My boyfriend is ignoring me

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, V_bx said:

 I don’t get why he won’t talk to me, he’s not even ended it properly 

Because he knows it was a fantasy to him.

Listen, l dated a man 5 months, he told me he loved me, got on a flight and never came back, never answered my calls, never replied my emails. Sh%t happens to good people all the time. What you should feel right now is anger, not sadness. He used you as a rebound, made promisses he never intended on keeping. 

Please notice he was all talk and not much actions. Five days face to face in 4 months is the bare minimum. He was into a fantasy, he enjoyed the rush of dopamine at the thought another woman wanted him but in terms of concrete actions to invest in this relationship he was weak.

[V_bx]

I know it’s because he worked away for 8 weeks which is why we didn’t see each other more but we spoke all the time whilst he was away. I’m just trying to get my head around it all as I really did think it was real. He even used to speak to my son on FaceTime and said he wanted to take us both to winter wonderland. [ ]  I’m starting to think I was just a rebound and I meant nothing to him

Edited November 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
armchair diagnosis

[Gaeta]

[ ] It's normal for a man recently out of a 16 years marriage to have ups & downs. Yes even when the love was gone. Divorce is much more devastating for men, they perceive it as a huge failure. 

Like l said he held it together for a few months because you generated a lot of dopamine in him. Now reality has hit, he's got 16 years down the drain, he's got to manage raising his kids as a divorced dad, he will have to split half his assets, pay child support, he's nowhere near ready to love again. 

[ ] he's going through the normal phases of a divorce. 

You need to withdraw yourself. 

 

Edited November 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, V_bx said:

I know lots of people who ended there marriage and gone on to have other relationships soon after, I didn’t think that was a problem. I doubt he’s back with her as I saw how angry she made him, she’s screwing him over with money 

Unfortunately, you thought wrong here. 

This was a man who was being sneaky with you during his marriage. I am quite astonished you didn't see what a red flag that was. I also would caution you not believe everything he's told you about her and their marriage. He sounds like exactly the type to twist the facts to suit his agenda. You don't know him as well as you think, and I bet you have been fed half-truths all along. You've barely spent any time together in person, so it would be incredibly easy for him to lie to you. 

I think you were the filler while he was off with this wife again, sadly. Be prepared to hear that he's back with her. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[V_bx]

Hey! Guys I really need your help. I’m looking in to getting therapy at the moment as I know I need it. 
mots beeb a month now since he didn’t show up and he’s still on my life. 
He’s like a drug, every time I speak to him I feel amazing and then he goes quiet and I feel awful again yet I’m still chasing him.

Please don’t tell me I need to respect myself as I already know I do. I have no idea why this man has such a hold on me, I just miss him being there I dont understand how he can go from calling me all the time, caring about me and being so in to me to treating me like a piece of s***. 
 

he FaceTimed me every day last week whilst he was away, I loved it as it was like old times except the conversation was all about him and his adhd. He then went to london for the weekend and I left him to it I didn’t reach out at all. He then FaceTimed me on Monday and I was working so I called him back after and he was sooo lovely he actually asked how I was, how my son was and asked about my weekend etc. He said he was in a good place and it was lovely to hear. We had a great conversation and he mentioned meeting up next week, saying it’ll be nice to see me. He told me he didn’t want me to trade him in, he’s getting help for his adhd and appreciates me being there for him. 
He then called me later without me asking him to and again was lovely. Tuesday I didn’t hear anything, I text him and he ignored me all day so I panicked thinking he’s ghosting me again and text  him saying please FaceTime me, I just want to know you’re ok. I called him s few times and nothing. He then FaceTimed me in the evening and said in s jokey way what’s  up with you I’ve just been busy? I said I was just worried and I apologised for being crazy. He told me to chill and stop worrying so I did. We never spoke Wednesday and yesterday I text him just once asking how he was and again apologising for over texting & calling him on Tuesday. He read it and didn’t reply. I now feel s*** as I feel like he ignored me, sent me crazy and now I’ve lost him but I know he’s not treating me fairly. If he doesn’t want anything to do with me I don’t know why he doesn’t just say. 
I wish I had the strength to block him and move on but I really do love him and want to be there for him. He’s told me he’s not wired properly, sometimes he’s so lovely and it’s like that’s what im clinging on to. He’s messed up and I want to help him, it’s making me feel like maybe I am crazy?  Any advice would be appreciated but please be kind. Thank you   

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, V_bx said:

Any advice would be appreciated but please be kind.

You already know what you need to do here. 

We can't really offer much advice beyond what we've already suggested. It's up to you to do the hard work. If you don't, it will devastate you when he pulls the plug for good and you stop hearing from him completely. Because that's where this is going. It's going to end, one way or another. It just depends on how long you want to prolong your agony. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, V_bx said:

  He’s messed up and I want to help him, it’s making me feel like maybe I am crazy?  

Focus on yourself and your child. Those are the only two people who you need to take care of. He has his own local friends, family and healthcare.

Perhaps stop and reflect why you feel so anxious about him. If you free yourself from this you'll have the time and energy to focus on local men who want what you want.

[NuevoYorko]

Someday  I trust you'll come to the point where you will have had enough of this BS.  I hope it's soon, because you're doing yourself, and your child, wrong by spending time and energy on this.   It's literally a guy using you for a "feel good" fix whenever he gets a notion. And you're going through emotional contortions over it. 

 I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be taking it personally.  This is easy for him to do and he gets the payback he wants from it.   Facetiming and texting to you if he happens to be in the mood and wants some attention is absolutely no skin off his back, especially since you're always down for it even when he disappears on you for periods.  It's not about any feelings he has for you, though.  

And talk about bread crumbs; this made you so happy:

10 hours ago, V_bx said:

he actually asked how I was,

 He doesn't need to tell you anything, he owes you nothing,  he's doing what feels good for himself.  Either he'll finally fade away for some reason - gets back with wife, gets a girlfriend,  finds some other person who will pump him up when he's looking for it, or - and this is my hope - you will wake up and stop being available for this. You'll move on and in your future you'll look back at your younger, more foolish self and feel happy that you would not do this to yourself every again.

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, V_bx said:

he FaceTimed me every day last week whilst he was away, I loved it as it was like old times except the conversation was all about him and his adhd. He then went to london for the weekend and I left him to it I didn’t reach out at all. He then FaceTimed me on Monday and I was working so I called him back after and he was sooo lovely he actually asked how I was, how my son was and asked about my weekend etc. He said he was in a good place and it was lovely to hear. We had a great conversation and he mentioned meeting up next week, saying it’ll be nice to see me. He told me he didn’t want me to trade him in, he’s getting help for his adhd and appreciates me being there for him. 
He then called me later without me asking him to and again was lovely. Tuesday I didn’t hear anything, I text him and he ignored me all day so I panicked thinking he’s ghosting me again and text  him saying please FaceTime me, I just want to know you’re ok. I called him a few times and nothing. He then FaceTimed me in the evening and said in s jokey way what’s  up with you I’ve just been busy? I said I was just worried and I apologised for being crazy.

@V_bx, with respect to bolded (and underscored), allow me to be frank.   Girl, you NEED to learn impulse control and to manage your emotions a bit better.  No make that A LOT better.   I cannot stress this enough!

If I may ask, you had a couple of lovely conversations, he expressed interest in seeing you, asked you to not trade him in, why couldn't you just let that sit for awhile and LET HIM BE?  

Why on earth did you "panic" when not hearing from him the following day, it was ONE day!  And then proceed to bombard him with needy messages asking him to text and when you didn't hear back (understandably imo), you still couldn't let him be and proceeded to call ad nauseum.

Do you not understand how needy that is and what a turn off it is?    Was this a pattern in your relationship?  Because if so, it explains a lot, imo.

It's suffocating and has the power to turn an interested man right off, which is what I suspect happened here (or part of it) without knowing your history.

Please take steps to get a handle on your anxiety and manage your emotions otherwise the same will happen with every man you date, driving them away. 

Again, may be too late with this guy, but for the next guy. 

All the best moving forward. 

 

 

Edited November 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[V_bx]

I totally get what you’re saying, I think it’s because we used to speak so much! He told me he’d call me Monday night and he didn’t so I text him before I went to bed and he ignored it and then ignored me the next day too. He was online when I text him and then went off line without replying and it just sent my anxiety sky high so I went a little crazy. 
i have been crazy with messages to him when he’s ghosted me before and he’s still come back so I might still here from him but I just can’t keep being picked up and dropped it’s not fair. He’s so confusing. 
I’ve been researching adhd as he has it and hyper focusing is s thing which is why he loved bombed me at the start, then the hyper focus stopped and I’d already fallen for him. It’s just hit me hard but I am going to get therapy

[ExpatInItaly]

ADHD isn't the cause of  his poor treatment of you, OP. Don't waste your time researching it. 

It's time to invest more in yourself and figure out why you are insisting on staying involved with such a dead-end situation. 

[V_bx]

Yeah I understand what you’re saying. I think it’s because how quickly we fell for each other (he was probably pretending) he would say we were meant to be together and I’m his girl forever, he made out this was it for him and I believed it. 
he would message every morning saying how lucky he is to have me and how he can’t wait to see me etc. he was looking in to a holiday for us and he wanted to take me to winter wonderland. All these fake things made me fall for him quickly, he was everything I wanted. I fancied him, he was caring, funny and we had incredibly chemistry. I’m just struggling to believe it was all a lie, I’ve never been hurt like this before and I miss what we had so much. Sounds daft as it was mainly FaceTime but the days we spent together were as if we’d always known each other. I do feel stupid believe me I’m just so gullible and I can’t understand why he’d sieve so much money on me in london if it was all just fake. Just really hurting, I miss the man I thought he was.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, V_bx said:

 I can’t understand why he’d sieve so much money on me in london if it was all just fake. 

It wasn't "fake", just superficial and fleeting. 

It's fine to have a nice fling with someone. That doesn't make anyone a dummy. 

It's easy to be charming. It's much harder to have integrity, and this is where he fell short, such as standing you and your child up with a lame excuse.

Overall you dodged a bullet. Charming is fine but without integrity it's just heartaches.

[V_bx]

Thank you so much I’m just struggling as he made me believe it was so much more than it was. Especially as he told his mum about me. I think because I’d never treat someone like that I can’t understand how others can be so cruel. I don’t know how I’d ever trust anyone again. I’ve blocked him as I know if he calls I’d answer and I just can’t put myself through it anymore  He blames his adhd which is the toughest thing and that’s why I’ve been there for him.

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, V_bx said:

Thank you so much I’m just struggling as he made me believe it was so much more than it was. Especially as he told his mum about me. I think because I’d never treat someone like that I can’t understand how others can be so cruel. I don’t know how I’d ever trust anyone again. I’ve blocked him as I know if he calls I’d answer and I just can’t put myself through it anymore  He blames his adhd which is the toughest thing and that’s why I’ve been there for him.

Good for you for blocking him.   

At this point it's all about you and not about him.  When you started this thread, you'd spent 5 days total with him and then he blatantly stood you up while you were waiting for him.  After that you've received plenty of information regarding what this guy is all about.  At this juncture you have absolute proof that he is unreliable and doesn't care about you at all except insofar as you can help him have good feelings if he needs or wants that.  The 5 "fairytale" days in London were ... a fairytale.  

You can get over this fast if you will allow yourself to do that.  

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, V_bx said:

 he would say we were meant to be together and I’m his girl forever, he made out this was it for him and I believed it. 

When you have only spent a few days together in person, you need to take this with a giant boulder of salt. 

 

[Calmandfocused]

On 11/5/2022 at 9:10 PM, V_bx said:

I know it’s because he worked away for 8 weeks which is why we didn’t see each other more but we spoke all the time whilst he was away. I’m just trying to get my head around it all as I really did think it was real. He even used to speak to my son on FaceTime and said he wanted to take us both to winter wonderland. [ ]  I’m starting to think I was just a rebound and I meant nothing to him

And this is a massive mistake on your part Op. 

Why are you involving your child in this? Allowing your son to hear false promises from a man who you’ve only seen for 5 days? 
 

If he can break his promises to you, he can break his promises to your son.  Guaranteed. 
 

My first piece of advice is please leave your son out of this. He doesn’t and shouldn’t need to be involved. Protect his innocence first and foremost. 
 

Reading your update it appears to me that you do need help. You’re doing the exact opposite of everything you should be doing to help yourself. Your level of attachment to this guy is over riding all logical thought and you are acting against your best interests. 
 

Like Poppy my worry is that your level of attachment/ investment in this relationship is significantly disproportionate to the reality. However you are blinded, very confused and are trapped in a fantasy that is not real and will not materialise. 
 

My view is that you’ve got unresolved Trauma from past relationships which is probably what this is really about.
 

You’re in the U.K. right? Start with Women’s Aid and go from there. 
 

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

You should stop going down the "he was pretending" and "it was all a lie" rabbit holes.  

He was indulging in a fantasy and reality butted in very quickly.   

For your part, you as well were indulging in a fantasy.  Going forward in your life, NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.  You won't meet a man online, FaceTime a bunch, and have it turn out to be a blissful fairytale lifelong relationship.  This is just not real life.  So if you get into a romantic situation like that again, and you want to throw yourself into it (I hope you won't), you need to know right from the start that this is not how real, lasting relationships come about.

Sure you might meet someone and be swept off your feet, and ultimately be a lifelong couple.  But things like "you're forever my one and only" after just meeting someone for 5 days?  Not reality.

This is not all about a guy leading you on - it's mainly about your willingness to put reality to the side and buy into an unrealistic fantasy.  So please learn and save yourself another heartache like this in your future.

[basil67]

21 hours ago, V_bx said:

Especially as he told his mum about me. 

Oh honey    Sending you a bit of truth....I've heard about all the guys who my daughter has gone on more than one date with.  I've heard about the guys who had relationship potential and I've heard about the ones who were good for hookups but dumb as two planks of wood..   The only thing that telling his mum means is that he he has a sharing kind of relationship with his mum. 

And all that stuff he said - he probably meant it at the time.  And then he changed his mind.  If someone comes on too intense too quickly, I agree that you need to take it with a huge boulder of salt.  

[V_bx]

I know I sound so crazy after only 5 days with him but it’s been a year of chatting then 4 intense months of being in contact a lot. I’ve been so hurt on my past, I’ve got an anxious attachment style and I did fall for him really quickly and he told me he’d fallen for me too. I honestly thought I’d found my soul mate. He’s not even sorry for how he’s treated me and I know I deserve better it’s just so hard but I’m looking forward to starting therapy and getting myself sorted and in a good place. I’ve never been in a relationship without getting hurt, I let men walk all over me and I need to change this. 
He’s blocked but not blocked on WhatsApp and not spoke to me since Tuesday. I didn’t want to believe that he doesn’t care about me but he really doesn’t does he? It’s so s*** I’ve been nothing but good to him. I really appreciate all your comments it really has helped me, I feel so stupid 😢

[Stret]

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to wake up and face the truth. I got mentally tired just reading your posts in this thread. Same thing over and over and over again. This is you preventing yourself from moving on and your addiction to playing victim. Yes, you're addicted to him not because he is a good person or because he treated you well (he is neither) but because you have an underlying issue you need to address. You've playing victim and it seems it is not the first time. You've immersed yourself in that role so much that you're making it out what it's not - and what it's not is love. He doesn't love you and he never did and you know what - you don't love him either. Chemical addiction is not love. You think you do love him, but you really don't. It's just your nervous system that was built many years ago, in your childhood. So deal with the real problem and with the root of the issue. Find a way to develop psychologically and move forward. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, V_bx said:

 I’m looking forward to starting therapy and getting myself sorted and in a good place. I’ve never been in a relationship without getting hurt.

It's great you are getting therapy. It's never too late to change course. You can examine a lot of things and with therapy be able to replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and healthful thoughts and actions. 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. You need to take the torn out of your side before you can begin healing.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, V_bx said:

I didn’t want to believe that he doesn’t care about me but he really doesn’t does he?

No, he doesn't. 

You're not stupid. But you've got some significant work to do on yourself. You're not in an emotionally-healthy place if this is the sort of fantasy situation you involve yourself in. It can get better for you, but not until you start making better choices for yourself and learning what a healthy relationship is. Therapy can help you with that.

Until then, if you refuse to block him, you are continuing to stand in your own way. And nobody can make that better for you. 

[Alpacalia]

He drew you in with his attention and affection.

The fact that you have not heard from him for a day after he stood you up last minute and ignored you thereafter did not constitute "space" on your part. He needed to be terminated from your life.

Don't punish yourself if you feel this way. That image was sold to you. In his actions and words, he intended to evoke a feeling, and then he disappeared. It's not crazy to feel something, and it's not crazy to feel something really intense. It was an extraordinary presentation of himself he made.

I think this applies to people who you've been with for nine months or a year, or anyone who's in a honeymoon phase of the relationship. And then they left.

Be wary of anyone giving you undeserved love, attention, or compliments, or making promises that seem unearned. It doesn't mean someone doesn't mean them. It just means that those things are very much unproven right now. The person might turn out to be real and that's the one you end up with. Even if others are trying to go at this rapid pace, and even if we enjoy it, we need to at least modify our expectations until time proves those things.

Delivering on those intentions over time lends gravitas to those early compliments and promises.

Maintaining a healthy sense of self, as distinct from the one shared with the next man, will hopefully enable you to see clearly through the facade of good intentions.

Feel better!

[NuevoYorko]

Why haven't you blocked him on WhatsApp?  

I doubt this is the last you'll hear from him.   Since you're so available, if he wants a "feel good" fix of connecting with a person who worships him, he knows where to get it.  

When / if that happens, please don't go back to talking about how wrong he's doing you.  You know exactly what his patterns are; if you choose to buy in any further, you need to hold only yourself accountable for any further pain you experience associated with this person.