Will we ever get back together?

[chlodian]

My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago.

we have have been together for 2 years. our story is a bit more different than the usual ones. we lived together for 1.2 years until he graduated and moved back to his home country which is a 40 minute flight and did long distance for a couple months. our relationship has been great but there were some flaws just like in any relationship.

Exactly a year ago he broke up with me because i was too jealous and putting too much pressure on him it wasn't healthy but it was different because we lived together still sleep in the same bed even tho this period was so toxic. after a 3 weeks we got back together and been great ever since.

a year later the same thing happens he breaks up with me again, yes ti was because of some same issues that came back from side but also he accumulated it and instead of talking about it to me he didnt communicate and just decided he had enough. ofc at first i begged for another chance but he didn't care.. i told him i respect it at the end and stopped texting hi.

after 2 days he made first contact and asked how i am doing and if we can catch up and if i think i am able to rebuild a friendship with him. in his point of view he doesnt want to commit but still have me in his life, he wants to be just friends see how it goes and "maybe" get back in the future.. the conversation was pretty dry i didnt let it continue for long.

after a few days i texted him and told him i dont see how this friendship is going to work because for me its either we are in a relationship or nothing as its kind of selfish from his side, he was very understanding but was leading the conversation asking how my week has been, i could not resist as i missed talking to him and it was the first time since we broke up where we had a proper catch up, good conversation.

i am very conflicted on what to do. my end goal is to get back with him i know its low of me but i am not willing to give up on this relationship even tho he is. i can tell there is something going on as hes been more shut than usual, always home barely hangs out with his friends. i dont know if i should completely stop talking to him and see if that helps him realise something and come back (i know there is a low chance but i am still hopeful) or i keep being a friend and prove him this way that i am actually working on my issues and becoming better.

Edited October 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BrinnM]

I would not do anything proactively right now. If he reaches out, you can reply politely, and make sure you keep it light & fluffy. Don’t start any fundamental relationship discussions. That’s the only way to get him interested again, because it’s the only way to not push him away further. So yes, stay friends, if you must, but even then, don’t initiate anything. Just react. 

Ideally, though, you should not talk to him at all, but I know that’s hard, if you still have feelings for him. The best thing, always, is to just respect his decision, and by doing that, you just cut all contact; that way, you can free your mind and heart for other things, such as healing and maybe, at some point, dating, and he, who ended the relationship, will feel what it’s like to lose you completely. It’s not supposed to be a punishment for the other person, though, but rather a chance for you to get over him.

And IF he experiences this loss, he MIGHT try to “get you back”. Is it likely? No, especially not in your case, because a) this is the 2nd time he has done this, and b) you guys are long-distance now, which means there are millions of distractions for him out there that he might utilize to get over you. And maybe, just maybe, he already has a different love interest which is why he broke up in the first place.

So it’s ultimately up to you, but IMO the “strategy” if you will is always pretty much the same: You want him back? Do nothing and show him very little. You want to forget about him? Same. Show him nothing to little. 

[chillii]

So you say it was the same things again , in other words you being jealous and putting pressure on him is that right , and probably a lot more than you realize or are saying l'd bet. That stuff can become a night mare coming at him all the time and you say it got pretty toxic why same reasons ?

Tbh , it sounds like it much more about you and your problem than him . lf you did get back together but you start all that again it will just end up the same place .

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, chlodian said:

After 2 days he made first contact and asked how i am doing and if we can catch up and if i think i am able to rebuild a friendship with him. in his point of view he doesnt want to commit but still have me in his life, 

Don't let him play with your heart and mind by essentially demoting you to FWB. Stop taking all the blame. Maybe some of your so-called issues were actually trying to deal with his head games and manipulativeness.

Just say no and walk away. Free yourself to date guys who respect you and won't play with your heart about faux reconciliation talk just to get a few more miles out of this for sex.

[FMW]

You can't change your feelings - if you aren't willing to be a casual option with the possibility of maybe getting fully back together in the future, just let it go and move on.  Don't let your fear of losing him completely from your life keep you in a situation that clearly is making you unhappy.  It will be hard for a little while, but you most certainly can move past this and be happy in the future without him. 

If you had/have jealousy problems, figure out whether they are (1) from your own insecurities or (2) brought about by his specific words or behavior.  If it's the first, then work on your self-confidence and handling insecurities.  This will help you with other people going forward.  If it's the second, he's just not the guy for you.  Don't hold on to someone who isn't going to give you what you need to feel safe within the relationship.