Dating Someone of a Different Religion

[Alpacalia]

When dating someone who has a different religion, is it wrong to adopt another religion?

My guy recently asked me if I would ever consider Catholicism (his religion) down the road.

After an initial speed bump early on (I thought he had gotten a permanent tattoo with my initial, but it was Henna), we have moved past it and have grown closer since.

To me, the religion question was why he brought it up (which I asked him). His response is that he just thought of it as something he might want us to think about. 

I'm Christian so it's not a far leap. I am spiritual but I am not highly religious. He's Catholic and takes his religion a bit more seriously than I. I kind of feel like conversion comes from the inside out, personal conviction seals the deal, not from someone else. Not that he has suggested or asked that I convert in the least.

Thoughts?

Edited October 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

. He's Catholic and takes his religion a bit more seriously than I

It's neither right nor wrong. However in this case only do what's right for you. Since you are not getting married (in a Catholic church) there's zero reason for you to convert to anything for anyone. Never heard of changing religions for people you are just dating and particularly to a religion you would have to look into and do a lot to to try to get into. Have you even looked at the costs and hoops it would entail for you to do this? It's no simple task. Catholicism doesn't generally recruit new members so it's weird he'd bring it up.

[FMW]

Personally, I don't see that I would ever convert for anyone.  But everyone is different. If it's no big deal to you, then it's something you can consider if/when you marry.  

Becoming Catholic is a very structured process, I once worked for someone who converted from Southern Baptist to Catholic.  A lot of classes and ceremonies were involved. It was something she did on her own, not because of someone else, so she was committed to the process.  

We all practice and experience religion in different ways, so it would be a very personal decision based on what feels right to you.   

ETA - My former brother-in-law was Protestant and married a Catholic woman.  He did not convert, however part of the requirements of marrying in the Catholic Church was to raise any children of the marriage as Catholics.  

Edited October 23, 2022 by FMW

[Els]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

After an initial speed bump early on (I thought he had gotten a permanent tattoo with my initial, but it was Henna)

I'm a little curious how this happened, honestly. 😅 Did you ask if it was permanent or temporary?
 

Quote

My guy recently asked me if I would ever consider Catholicism (his religion) down the road.

Not that he has suggested or asked that I convert in the least.

Could you elaborate on this please? Did he ask or did he not?

Quote

I'm Christian so it's not a far leap. I am spiritual but I am not highly religious. He's Catholic and takes his religion a bit more seriously than I.

"A bit more seriously" is still a pretty huge spectrum. Are we just talking "goes to special events and the occasional Mass"... or are we talking anti-contraception, no sex before marriage, "men are the head of the house" etc?

Catholicism is inherently more "traditional"/conservative than Protestantism (a broad umbrella which, if you are Christian but not Catholic, you are probably part of), due to its history. Catholicism was the "original" religion of the Holy Roman Empire, and was the sole form of Christianity until the Protestant Reformation in the 15th century. However, of course it depends on the individual person, as to how closely they adhere to the original form of Catholicism. It's possible for a person to be nominally Catholic but less "religious" than an evangelist Protestant.

Anyhow, at this early stage, if you're not completely opposed to it, I think you can tell him honestly that you might consider it later, but you can't give any guarantees.

Edited October 23, 2022 by Elswyth

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

I'm a little curious how this happened, honestly. 😅 Did you ask if it was permanent or temporary?
 

Could you elaborate on this please? Did he ask or did he not?

"A bit more seriously" is still a pretty huge spectrum. Are we just talking "goes to special events and the occasional Mass"... or are we talking anti-contraception, no sex before marriage, "men are the head of the house" etc?

Anyhow, at this early stage, if you're not completely opposed to it, I think you can tell him honestly that you might consider it later, but you can't give any guarantees.

No, I didn't ask if it was permanent or Henna. I just assumed it was a perm tattoo. I have my airhead moments 😅

He thought it would be funny to see how I would react that's why he didn't tell me initially that it was Henna.

When I first saw it, I was just like "oh, that's nice." But then a few days later as I was thinking to myself I started wondering why he got it and got myself all in a tizzy.

On the religion thing. That's how he asked me. He said "would you ever consider Catholicism down the road." I asked if he meant would I convert? And he said yes. I told him I'd be open to it possibly but not something that I really ever gave much thought to.

He's not a bible thumper but he goes to Church often and does a lot of charity work, prays a lot, fasting, abstinence (on obligatory days). Whereas I'm a bit more lax with these things.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He said "would you ever consider Catholicism down the road." I asked if he meant would I convert? And he said yes. he goes to Church often.

Keep in mind, you can go to mass with him without becoming catholic. Will he pay for all the classes and fees involved? It's still unclear unless you are getting married in a  catholic church and starting a family why he would want this or why you would consider it.

[Els]

11 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

On the religion thing. That's how he asked me. He said "would you ever consider Catholicism down the road." I asked if he meant would I convert? And he said yes. I told him I'd be open to it possibly but not something that I really ever gave much thought to.

He's not a bible thumper but he goes to Church often and does a lot of charity work, prays a lot, fasting, abstinence (on obligatory days). Whereas I'm a bit more lax with these things.

Hmm. If I were you, I'd read up on Catholic doctrines, see if there are any that you strongly disagree with, then talk to him and see how he feels about those things. I dunno... if it were me, I would be less concerned about my own conversion, and more concerned about some of the policies that the Catholic church officially has (especially pertaining to women). If you and he can mostly see eye to eye on these important things, then I see no reason why you should preemptively decide to ditch due to religion.

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind, you can go to mass with him without becoming catholic. Will he pay for all the classes and fees involved? It's still unclear unless you are getting married in a  catholic church and starting a family why he would want this or why you would consider it.

I see your point and I agree.

There is no need for me to convert to attend church.

We haven't discussed marriage either or fees for the classes.

My comment about having not thought about the topic much sparked a sort of end to the conversation. Once that was done, he said we ought to consider it (mainly on my behalf) if things became more serious. I wonder if he is actually referring to his desire to marry only Catholic women as the reason he mentioned it. It's probably best if I ask him outright.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

he said we ought to consider it  if things became more serious. I wonder if he is actually referring to his desire to marry only Catholic women as the reason he mentioned it.

Yes, he may want to marry a catholic woman, marry in a catholic church and raise a family as Catholics if he is very religious and takes it seriously. But don't convert while dating. 

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When dating someone who has a different religion, is it wrong to adopt another religion?

My guy recently asked me if I would ever consider Catholicism (his religion) down the road.

After an initial speed bump early on (I thought he had gotten a permanent tattoo with my initial, but it was Henna), we have moved past it and have grown closer since.

To me, the religion question was why he brought it up (which I asked him). His response is that he just thought of it as something he might want us to think about. 

I'm Christian so it's not a far leap. I am spiritual but I am not highly religious. He's Catholic and takes his religion a bit more seriously than I. I kind of feel like conversion comes from the inside out, personal conviction seals the deal, not from someone else. Not that he has suggested or asked that I convert in the least.

Thoughts?

 

i was not brought up on religion.  If I was, it would have been catholic. Both sides of my family came from catholic background.

The crux is how religious is he and how does it affect his views.  Is he a regular church goer, does it affect his lifestyle such as lent and not eating red meat on Friday ( fish fry’s st restaurants were common where I grew up).

 

i recall early on talking to someone who was Jewish.  I asked thrm hoe important their faith was and they say it wasn’t. Later it comes out that her plan is to raise her kids as Jewish.  That’s being tied to religion and it’s a big part of your life.

 

if you had kids…baptism is a big deal in Catholic Church as are wedding ceremonies. They are much longer things.

Edited October 23, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[BaileyB]

I have a friend who converted to Catholicism for his wife - my best friend. He did it primarily because they were going to have children and it was important to her that their children be raised in the church. To each their own, they have done well together. 

[Alvi]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I wonder if he is actually referring to his desire to marry only Catholic women as the reason he mentioned it. It's probably best if I ask him outright.

This is something that needs to be discussed or touched on probably somewhere between date number 2-5. Way before becoming a committed couple or even way before catching feelings for each other.  No need to waste each other's time if two people have vast different ideas about marrying someone of different religion and/or different ethnic background or expect another person to convert. With the on-line dating, I would ask what the person's expectations are regarding this even before meeting in person. I know, I know, lol, way too soon but it saves me a lot of heartache later on. One super religious guy told me that he can date whoever but that he only will marry a person of his own religious background. Glad that I found out that tidbit before meeting him in person that out relationship would never be a forever one. 

And let's face it. This guy is just your boyfriend. Should you convert for just a boyfriend? It's up to you but I think that you should not. Should you convert for your husband? Again, probably not. This is a very serious matter and should not be taken lightly. And what is going to happen if you end up divorcing this guy (not saying that you will actually divorce him, but 50 percent of marriages end up in a divorce)? Are you going to convert back to your original religion again? 

Edited October 24, 2022 by Alvi

[Gaeta]

I am Catholic and dating a muslim man. We spoke about our religious expections on our very 1st meeting. I did not let any stone unturned. We know exactly where we stand.

How long have you 2 been dating? And why when he brought up the subject didn't you ask the hard questions?

No, l would not convert to any other religion. I'm a very mild catholic l would not even date a hard core Catholic. It's a 2000 year old religion that won't evolve.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

i was not brought up on religion.  If I was, it would have been catholic. Both sides of my family came from catholic background.

The crux is how religious is he and how does it affect his views.  Is he a regular church goer, does it affect his lifestyle such as lent and not eating red meat on Friday ( fish fry’s st restaurants were common where I grew up).

 

i recall early on talking to someone who was Jewish.  I asked thrm hoe important their faith was and they say it wasn’t. Later it comes out that her plan is to raise her kids as Jewish.  That’s being tied to religion and it’s a big part of your life.

 

if you had kids…baptism is a big deal in Catholic Church as are wedding ceremonies. They are much longer things.

Yes, same for me (not being brought up on religion).

My siblings and I were baptized and attended church and Sunday school. I still had a fairly secular upbringing, though. The other side of my family are devout Catholics. My uncle a Jesuit. It's just that the other side of my family (including myself) is a different denomination of Christianity and we don't routinely practice it's teachings. 

In terms of Bible devotion, he isn't fervent. He isn't preaching the gospel or anything like that. Attending church with him more often is something he would like for us to do. Among the things he does, such as lent, are a few I mentioned earlier.

Your female friend's experience is interesting. Thank you for sharing it.

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, Alvi said:

This is something that needs to be discussed or touched on probably somewhere between date number 2-5. Way before becoming a committed couple or even way before catching feelings for each other.  No need to waste each other's time if two people have vast different ideas about marrying someone of different religion and/or different ethnic background or expect another person to convert. With the on-line dating, I would ask what the person's expectations are regarding this even before meeting in person. I know, I know, lol, way too soon but it saves me a lot of heartache later on. One super religious guy told me that he can date whoever but that he only will marry a person of his own religious background. Glad that I found out that tidbit before meeting him in person that out relationship would never be a forever one. 

And let's face it. This guy is just your boyfriend. Should you convert for just a boyfriend? It's up to you but I think that you should not. Should you convert for your husband? Again, probably not. This is a very serious matter and should not be taken lightly. And what is going to happen if you end up divorcing this guy (not saying that you will actually divorce him, but 50 percent of marriages end up in a divorce)? Are you going to convert back to your original religion again? 

Thanks.

In hindsight you're probably right (discussing religion early on).

Religion has been a non-issue in past relationships, so perhaps it is because of this that I didn't think to touch on it as a discussion point early on? Most of the men I've dated have had similar religious backgrounds and lifestyles. Christian, just different denominations.

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am Catholic and dating a muslim man. We spoke about our religious expections on our very 1st meeting. I did not let any stone unturned. We know exactly where we stand.

How long have you 2 been dating? And why when he brought up the subject didn't you ask the hard questions?

No, l would not convert to any other religion. I'm a very mild catholic l would not even date a hard core Catholic. It's a 2000 year old religion that won't evolve.

Thank you, Gaeta.

As a Muslim, does he routinely practice Islam? I can see why you brought it up and it's good that you did! My Mother is Catholic and my Father was born/is from the Middle East and followed Islamic teachings growing up. 

It's been about seven months now. I think he was just trying to pick my brain on the Catholic thing. I just wish he brought it up sooner if it's something that he is absolutely adamant about.

 

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In terms of Bible devotion, he isn't fervent. He isn't preaching the gospel or anything like that. Attending church with him more often is something he would like for us to do. Among the things he does, such as lent, are a few I mentioned earlier.

You don't need to be catholic to go to our Churches. My ex-bf was very Catholic and l would go to Church with him *to be with him*. If he had asked me to observe lent l would have refused...and it's my own religion. 

You need to have a deep conversation with this man. He's not being very forward. It's like he's waiting for you to be deep into this relationship to then bring up his religious expectations.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

As a Muslim, does he routinely practice Islam? I can see why you brought it up and it's good that you did! My Mother is Catholic and my Father was born/is from the Middle East and followed Islamic teachings growing up. 

He does not practice strickly, he does not eat pork but he gladly cooks bacon for me. He goes to the Mosque but does not raise his daughters muslim. 

A muslim is allowed to marry a catholic woman. As a Catholic woman l cannot marry a non-Catholic. If ever one day we want to marry a civil marriage will do just fine. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, same for me (not being brought up on religion).

My siblings and I were baptized and attended church and Sunday school. I still had a fairly secular upbringing, though. The other side of my family are devout Catholics. My uncle a Jesuit. It's just that the other side of my family (including myself) is a different denomination of Christianity and we don't routinely practice it's teachings. 

In terms of Bible devotion, he isn't fervent. He isn't preaching the gospel or anything like that. Attending church with him more often is something he would like for us to do. Among the things he does, such as lent, are a few I mentioned earlier.

Your female friend's experience is interesting. Thank you for sharing it.

I dated someone 30 yrs ago I met through college…she was religious but not overtly but her parents were religious.  I think she was catholic but I can’t recall.  I just remember she talk  of religious days I didn’t know existed and talked of church on non sundays.

 

my mom had a very bad experience as a child. She was born catholic during WW2.  She as left handed.  I think an uncle or cousin of hers was catholic clergy..I think a senior member.  She was YouTubed being left handed and it was the sign of the devil.  My dads career was as a science teacher so he distanced himself from the church.  I don’t recall ever going to a church other than wedding or funeral.

I respect peoples religious views even though I’d call myself an atheist.  My approach to dating and religion has always been (1) don’t try to convert me or expect me to go to church with you on a weekly basis, (2) if it got serious we need to agree on how children were raised.

 

in my dating it’s bern something I didn’t talk about on the first fate but did in the first few dates or talking between dates to find out about the person.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks.

In hindsight you're probably right (discussing religion early on).

Religion has been a non-issue in past relationships, so perhaps it is because of this that I didn't think to touch on it as a discussion point early on? Most of the men I've dated have had similar religious backgrounds and lifestyles. Christian, just different denominations.

Thank you, Gaeta.

As a Muslim, does he routinely practice Islam? I can see why you brought it up and it's good that you did! My Mother is Catholic and my Father was born/is from the Middle East and followed Islamic teachings growing up. 

It's been about seven months now. I think he was just trying to pick my brain on the Catholic thing. I just wish he brought it up sooner if it's something that he is absolutely adamant about.

 

He brought it up now and that's soon enough. You could go to mass with him more often if it makes both of you happy. 

No religion is better than any other. This is who he is and feels devout about.

Unless you're engaged there's no reason for you to consider it. 

You may want to improve your communication such as asking him why it's important to him for you to consider converting. For example does his family pressure him to date catholic women in the event that he'll marry one day?  Or does he/his family feel premarital sex or "living in sin" is an issue?

[SingFish]

I'm Catholic @Alpacalia  but I rarely attend and the not ordaining women and the child abuse scandals mean I just don't approve of a lot of it. Some of the Papal writings are interesting. 

I go to a variety of churches and don't dig too deeply into any of them. The theologies never hold up rationally. I see religions more in terms of artistic representations of spirituality. 

For me it would be whether these types of conversation are 'permissible' and rational discussion, without someone coming unglued! 

 

[introverted1]

17 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

There is no need for me to convert to attend church.

True, but you can't take part in communion.  Not sure if that's important to you or him, but it will mark you as "other" if you do go to services with him.  Not saying this is a necessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of.

Personally, unless the plan is to have children and raise them Catholic, I don't understand the need for conversion, unless it is something you feel strongly about.  Otherwise, as you say, you can go to church with him and participate in many/most sacraments/activities.

[Alpacalia]

Thanks to everyone for their comments.

It is not in my nature to bombard someone with too many questions all at once. I like to get a feel for things first. Initially, we discussed the topic; it was a pleasant exchange, and we agreed to revisit it as I know he had to be up super early the next day.

In our conversation last night, I asked him where this question was coming from for him.

He said that it would not matter to him what religion I was if we were to get married, and he doesn't need to marry a Catholic woman. Perhaps at one time he may have felt that way, he said, but not now after meeting me.

In explaining my respect for his religion to him, I said that he must respect mine as well. That I don't intend to convert at the moment, if at all. Being able to hear about some aspects of his religion from him is significant to me, and I understand that this is an intrinsic part of who he is.

While I knew I wouldn't be attending church every Sunday, I would like to become more involved in his religion as a matter of importance to him.

I'm glad we had this conversation, and I feel pretty satisfied with it.

[mortensorchid]

This is a very tricky topic with people.  In your case, it doesn't seem like a very serious matter.  It is, however, a very serious matter when you are going to convert to a religion that is completely different from yours (ex. Catholic to Jewish or vice versa), or you are an atheist and your partner wants you to convert to their faith (no matter what that is).  Make sure it's the right thing for the both of you if and when you do so.  

But some words of caution : This is a VERY big deal that you have to consider.  If someone asks you to convert, and you agree, then they have to be happy that you have done so.  [ ] 

Edited October 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't relate to conversion

[Will am I]

religion is the outside: the protocols, the habits, the rituals, the religious institutions and communities.

faith is the inside: the spiritual truth in your heart.

 

I believe that faith will not be altered by your partner, it will find its own path.

What remains is this question: is your partner’s religion compatible with your faith?

 

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

faith is the inside: the spiritual truth in your heart.

 

I believe that faith will not be altered by your partner, it will find its own path.

What remains is this question: is your partner’s religion compatible with your faith?

 

 

Pretty much my sentiments (faith is the inside: the spiritual truth in your heart).

So, I'm Lutheran and our religion shares a lot of similarities. We just go about it differently in terms of practice and workings.