How do you choose when you love 2 people?

[Beckybird]

I’ve got myself into a situation and I don’t know what to do.

I managed to land my dream job when I was only 20 and was being mentored by a woman who was 34. Part of our job meant we were away about 1 week per month. We became close and flirted quite a bit with each other but I never took it seriously because I had no idea she was bi and I certainly wasn’t. One day, this is about 3 years after I started she drunk kissed me when we were away. I was young and stupid and it lead to much more. The next day I was devastated that I had just cheated on my boyfriend. She didn’t care about her husband because apparently he lets her. The first thing I did when I got home was tell my boyfriend and he was understandably angry but we sorted it out and he said it was ok for us to continue. It wasn’t what I expected, it wasn’t even what I wanted, but that door was open and here I am 9 years later with a boyfriend and girlfriend.

I am honestly, deeply, in love with both of them. I have told them both exactly that. She separated from her husband a few years ago and now the talk is, from both her and my boyfriend that we should try polyamory. Now I know how incredibly selfish this sounds but the thought of them having sex disgusts me. It’s not the same for him, I don’t think it would be right of me to see another man and I don’t want him to see another woman.  It's different when it's the same sex.

The thing is that he has said that he wants to propose but has some conditions, that it’s either just the 2 of us, or we can include her, or if I want to keep seeing her that he must be allowed to see other people as well. I don’t think it’s fair that he’s putting this on me after so long. I can’t choose between them.  I want him to propose.  I want to say yes.  But I don't want them to be together and I don't want to lose her.

Is there anyone out there who has been in love with 2 people? How did you choose? Did you even choose? If you all became a throuple did it work out? I don’t know what I want, well I do know, I want it to stay as it is but I recognize the selfishness in that. Thanks.

[chillii]

l'm afraid it's only not fair to you bc it's not in your favor or to your approval where as what your doing now is doing exactly what you want and so according to you that is fair.

But it's all the same thing whether he be with a he or a she or her and you or whatever his preference. lt's exactly the same thing as what you've been doing all these yrs. You don't wanna give that up but you want separate rules for him, well, what's good for the goose though, yaknow !

Edited October 24, 2022 by chillii

[Beckybird]

38 minutes ago, chillii said:

l'm afraid it's only not fair to you bc it's not in your favor or to your approval where as what your doing now is doing exactly what you want and so according to you that is fair.

Yeah, I do get it looks bad, but he's all the man I need, I would like to think I'm all the woman he needs.  If he wanted to explore bisexuality and be with a man I would be ok with that. 

[chillii]

2 hours ago, Beckybird said:

Yeah, I do get it looks bad, but he's all the man I need, I would like to think I'm all the woman he needs.  If he wanted to explore bisexuality and be with a man I would be ok with that. 

Well , in a way l get it my ex w was bi , but at the same time once we were together- 26yrs, that was that, man or woman. We've all got temptations but for us being with someone was about loyalty and commitment, devotion,a life together- no third wheels just bc, and in our opinion if we couldn't or didn't want to do that then we shouldn't be together. Butttt, that was us. Same with an emotional affair or any other kind which there'd be some of that with her for you too.

Edited October 24, 2022 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

Since you and your BF are ok with an open relationship there's nothing to "choose". The only thing that stands out is your supervisor's predatory behavior.

It doesn't matter if you are bi or your BF is or you do threesomes polyamory or any other variation of open relationships. However distance yourself from this coworker as far as sexual behaviors and workplace issues.

[BaileyB]

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask you to stop sleeping with another woman if you want to get married.

You need to give something up here - either you give up your girlfriend or you open the relationship such that it’s fair to him. It’s very selfish of you to place restrictions on him while enjoying your own freedom. 

And yes, I think the predatory older coworker is a problem. But, at this point, nine years later it’s less of a concern than it would be initially. I would assume that your relationship is more equal now. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[Beckybird]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

However distance yourself from this coworker as far as sexual behaviors and workplace issues.

That was raised way back when and when our workplace found out I was pulled aside and grilled along those lines.  Maybe I'm naive but I don't feel like I was pressured into anything I didn't want. And now after so much time has passed she means just as much to me as my boyfriend. 

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Beckybird said:

It's different when it's the same sex.

No, it's not.  Monogamy is monogamy.  You are openly non-monogamous and your bf is entitled to the same option. It's up to him to choose whether he wants to explore other women or other men. (or both). 

As your case proves, it's possible to form romantic attachments to the people you have sex with, regardless of their gender. You sound like a cake-eater.

[Beckybird]

Just now, BaileyB said:

You need to give something up here - either you give up your girlfriend or you open the relationship such that it’s fair to him. It’s very selfish of you to want o restrict him while enjoying your own freedom. 

I am happy for him to have the same as what I have, the freedom to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.  I am not allowed to be with men, he shouldn't be allowed to be with women.  I see that as fair.  He doesn't.

[BaileyB]

Just now, Beckybird said:

I am happy for him to have the same as what I have, the freedom to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.  I am not allowed to be with men, he shouldn't be allowed to be with women.  I see that as fair.  He doesn't.

Perhaps he has no interest in having a same sex relationship. You don’t get to set the rules here and tell him with whom he can have sex. 

[Beckybird]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

You are openly non-monogamous and your bf is entitled to the same option. It's up to him to choose whether he wants to explore other women or other men. (or both). 

I get that my opinion is unpopular but I just can't see it that way.  Mt boyfriend is indeed entitled to the same option I have, that is to see someone of the same sex.  I cannot see other men, ie the opposite sex, so that should apply to him as well.  

[Beckybird]

Just now, BaileyB said:

You don’t get to set the rules here and tell him with whom he can have sex. 

Of course I do, well rather, we do.  He's been fine with out arrangement for 9 years and now he wants to change.  If he said at the start that he wanted to see other women if I continued what I had I would have stopped.  I don't want him to be with other women.  

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Beckybird said:

I get that my opinion is unpopular but I just can't see it that way.  Mt boyfriend is indeed entitled to the same option I have, that is to see someone of the same sex.  I cannot see other men, ie the opposite sex, so that should apply to him as well.  

That's not how it works.  You are bisexual; your bf is not. You are trying to create a rule that says, in essence, that people attracted to multiple genders get to have more concurrent partners than people only attracted to one gender.  It's inherently unfair and unreasonable. 

Every person is unique in their own way; perhaps your bf wants to explore women with a different body type than yours - how is that any less legitimate than you wanting to explore your female boss? It's not.

In any case, you don't seem able to convince your bf of the reasonableness of your rule any more  than you are convincing us here.  So what are you going to do?

[Beckybird]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.  I don't want to lose either.  If I stay with my boyfriend which I would choose if it came down to it then I lose my job.  There is no way we could keep working together.  I know I am wrong.  I know I am being unreasonable but it's just worked so well for so long it seems strange to want to ruin it all now.

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, Beckybird said:

I know I am being unreasonable

I'm glad you see this.

If you decide to choose your bf in this scenario, will you be able to give up your boss for good? What about other women in the future?

Personally, I think you are conflating bisexuality and monogamy.  Bisexual people are just as capable of monogamy as anyone else. You specifically are a person who is both bisexual and non-monogamous.  You do a disservice to the many bisexual people who are in committed relationships by assuming different rules should apply to you because of your bisexuality. It's your non-monogamy that is the issue, not your bisexuality.

[Beckybird]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

It's your non-monogamy that is the issue, not your bisexuality.

I don't have a problem with him being non-monogamous, just within the same rules I have, members of the same sex only.
I think the biggest issue I have is time, how long it's been, the deep love formed.  If the rules he wants now were the rules from the start I never would have pursued anything.  Now he's telling me I'm not enough woman for him and he needs another, if I wont allow that I have to give up the woman I'm in love with, a relationship that he approved of, that he encouraged.
It's more complicated that just I want my cake and eat it too.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

I don't have a problem with him being non-monogamous, just within the same rules I have, members of the same sex only.

Does he have any interest in a same sex relationship? If not, you need to quit with this because it’s very dismissive. It is your justification - he is welcome to go out and find his own same sex relationship. Except, if he likes women that is completely unreasonable and irrelevant. If you get another partner, he gets another partner - the partner of his choosing, not yours. 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

I think the biggest issue I have is time, how long it's been, the deep love formed.  If the rules he wants now were the rules from the start I never would have pursued anything.

People have the right to change their mind about anything at any point in the relationship. If you don’t like it, you always have the ability to end the relationship.

If he came to him after all this time and said, “I’m bored in our relationship. I would like to leave you or have sex with someone else…” that’s his prerogative. Lots of people do this - either overtly or covertly. If you don’t like it, you end the relationship.

Edited October 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

It's more complicated that just I want my cake and eat it too.

Not really. People change, relationships change, and relationships are always negotiated. Kindly, your rationale sound like the equivalent of a petulant child who is stomping her feet - “I want what I want, you said I could have it, and it’s not fair that you’ve changed your mind.” This is life. Deal with it. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

45 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

I get that my opinion is unpopular but I just can't see it that way.  Mt boyfriend is indeed entitled to the same option I have, that is to see someone of the same sex.  I cannot see other men, ie the opposite sex, so that should apply to him as well.  

You don't have to see it "that way."  Your bf, and pretty much everyone in this thread, recognize what you are proposing as a completely arbitrary rule.  Why should genitals determine whether you get to have multiple partners?  Why not height or hair color or breast/penis size or earnings or any other attribute that is completely irrelevant to monogamy?  You have decided that because you want to have sex with a man and a woman, this should be the only choice available to your bf.  It's like saying you had chocolate cake and apple pie for dessert but your bf can't decide he'd rather have two pieces of cake. 

You can argue here all you want, but you'd be better of putting your energy into deciding what kind of partnership you and your bf can have that will be mutually respectful and fulfilling.  The time to figure this out is before you get married, not after.

[glows]

59 minutes ago, Beckybird said:

I think the biggest issue I have is time, how long it's been, the deep love formed.  If the rules he wants now were the rules from the start I never would have pursued anything.  Now he's telling me I'm not enough woman for him and he needs another, if I wont allow that I have to give up the woman I'm in love with, a relationship that he approved of, that he encouraged..

Things are fine with your girlfriend? Perhaps it’s time to rethink your relationship with your boyfriend. It’s not working out with him if you disagree to such an extent and he wants something else outside of your comfort zone.

You may be stuck in the idea that you’ll marry one day and it’s a man you’re married to. Time changes people and he changed. You can move on and forget about marrying him or anyone else. Your goals may be outdated and they haven’t been revised for awhile. Get yourself out of that box thinking. 

Remember that we date to find compatibility. That may change over time. Move with it and adapt. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend and you are compatible.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Beckybird said:

I am happy for him to have the same as what I have, the freedom to have a relationship with someone of the same sex.  I am not allowed to be with men, he shouldn't be allowed to be with women.  I see that as fair.  He doesn't.

It sounds like you're happy for him to have that because you know he's not interested in men. So you get to have your cake and eat it while giving the impression of being generous to him. The situation is not fair to him at all. But he's a consenting adult and it's his life and he's choosing to spend it with you under these restrictive terms, so I'm not planning to lose any sleep over it. When he gets tired of it, he'll walk.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Beckybird said:

If I stay with my boyfriend which I would choose if it came down to it then I lose my job. 

Exactly. This woman is predatory and engaging in sexual harassment. Report her, you have already been pulled aside at work about this.

[stillafool]

It doesn't matter that it's a same sex affair cheating is cheating.  Yes it's selfish to think you can continue to carry on with this woman but expect your husband to sit on his hands and only have sex with you.  Who does that?  He is not a gay or bi man so to only give him permission to have sex with men is unfair.   Either drop your girlfriend or agree to let your husband date other women.  If you keep this up he's probably going to do it anyway - behind your back.

Edited October 24, 2022 by stillafool

[central]

You seem very selfish and unreasonable. You want it all your way, but aren't willing to compromise with what he wants. Either choose to willingly embrace his conditions, or break up with him. What does your girlfriend think of being part of a poly relationship? Or, would she just want to continue with you as you have before?