he keeps postponing me meeting his kids/telling them about me

[lillylola]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been in a relationship/dating a guy for about 7 to 8 months now. We are serious and we are in love. He tells me he's sure he wants a future with me and it's great being together. I see a future with him too. He has 2 kids, aged 5 and 7. He divorced about 3 years ago. His ex is still mad at him (he fell in love with someone else) and, in his words, isnt too stable so, for what I see, he is handling her extremely careful. 

 

So, we already met each others friends and parents. It was around this summer that he started bringing up that he might want me to meet his kids. Now I said; 'that would be wonderful, I would love that too, anytime they're ready for it'. 

So months passed and there was always another reason for him to not tell about me to his kids. At this moment, they do not know about me and that he is seeing mee. First he wanted them to settle at school after their holidays, then it was his ex having a lot of stress from her work and he was afraid that telling her that he wants the kids to see mee, would push her over the edge in a burn-out (she does already know that we are seeing each other). His ex is better now and the kids are settled. So then he told me last week again 'I would love you to meet my kids' and he told me that his ex is much more relaxed. So I than thought that he was about to plan something and I exitingly told my mother I am going to meet them. Yesterday, I told him that i exitingly told my mother that I am going to meet his kids in the nearby future and after that he sounded hesitant again. 

I asked him if he was hesitant and then he said 'yeah maybe I am. I don't exactly know why and it has absolutely nothing to do with you or us. I'm a bit anxious that they're going to be sad or angry, or that they will feel bad about it. It's an extra sign for them that me and their mother are not gonna come back together'. He told me that he does want to tell his kids about me, let them get used to the idea of him being in a relationship and then slowly work towards a meeting. This was new to me. And I am on the fence; on the one side I think it's absolutely amazing how he is careful with his children's feelings and not want to drag them into something. On the other side, it feels like he is postponing it and he is not all that enthusiastic about me being in his life or meeting his children, which I think is a bit hurftul. Since he made it such a thing, it almost feels like I'm considered a burden to him or them. 

What would you do?

Edited October 24, 2022 by lillylola

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, lillylola said:

His ex is still mad at him (he fell in love with someone else) and, in his words, isnt too stable so, for what I see, he is handling her extremely careful. 

Was that someone you and were you in an affair?  His kids have been through a great deal watching their parents break up and no longer having their father in the home.  They are hoping that their parents will get back together which is natural.  If he left to be with you I'm sure they probably do not want to meet or spend time with you.  He can't make them.  Why can't you just let them take the time they need to adjust to the situation.  So what if it's been 7-8 months.  

[BaileyB]

I think you are rushing it a little. Enjoy this time with your partner because things get infinitely more complicated once you meet his children. 

[lillylola]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Was that someone you and were you in an affair?  His kids have been through a great deal watching their parents break up and no longer having their father in the home.  They are hoping that their parents will get back together which is natural.  If he left to be with you I'm sure they probably do not want to meet or spend time with you.  He can't make them.  Why can't you just let them take the time they need to adjust to the situation.  So what if it's been 7-8 months.  

No, I am absolutely not that person he fell in love with/left for. He tried to have a relationship with that woman for a few weeks but it didnt work out. After that, he has just been dating for a couple of years until we met, 8 months ago. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, lillylola said:

No, I am absolutely not that person he fell in love with/left for. He tried to have a relationship with that woman for a few weeks but it didnt work out. After that, he has just been dating for a couple of years until we met, 8 months ago. 

Still, he feels his kids aren't ready to meet you yet.  He's their parent and knows what's best for them.  He knows them.  This isn't about you and him, it's about what's best for the kids.

[chillii]

Your actually being quite selfish putting yourself above two innocent young children only 5 and 7yrs old that are already going through a broken family and trying to comprehend what's happened to mum and dad. And making your bf feel guilty and pressured too when his concerns as their father are very very real and responsible. l only thank the Gods he is using his head and thinking of them rather than needing to prove something to you.

lf you two are truly what you both hope, then there's plenty of time to meet his children, relax and think of him and those two young kids, not yourself. When the time is right and you know for certain you will be in his life long term, very long term, at more likely 12 , 15 mths, not 7,  then one day , you will all meet.ln the meantime respect his call in this as their father.

Edited October 24, 2022 by chillii

[glows]

The problem isn’t actually not meeting the kids. It’s that he speaks about it and then keeps changing his mind. It appears to you that he’s fickle and unsure of what next to do. Eight months is still early. Some don’t introduce their kids until at least one year of dating depending on their ages and so on. 

I’m not sure why you’d tell your mother and then report back to him that you told your mother about the details around this knowing how sensitive it is. Your growing frustration is obvious and I’m sure you know pressuring him or trying to hold someone to their word isn’t going to work. Let it happen and this is a private occasion. Talk about it as a couple afterwards and make sure you’re on the same page. Your mother doesn’t have anything to do with this. 

My thoughts are he’s not over leaving his wife a breaking up his marriage and carries guilt. He’s projecting a lot of his guilt onto his kids. Did he ever go for counselling or therapy after the affair and divorce? If he’s been serially dating right after his divorce you know this man hasn’t had time to himself to process very much. You might want to rethink in terms of baggage. See how it goes until one year or so and if he keeps repeating old wounds and dragging you into him feeling sorry for himself or the kids you know this isn’t working out.

[Lauriebell82]

I was in your same situation. Except my boyfriend was very scared to meet MY kids (at that time they were 3 and 5). This was 5 years ago when we first got together. We waited 6 months for him to meet them and even that was hard. He kept changing his mind. We are both divorced and we both have difficult ex spouses. What I didnt realize  at the time was that he has serious committment issues. Not that he isnt committed to our relationship, it seems his “block” is trying to move the relationship forward. A lot of divorced men become commitment phobic so this is something to keep in mind. I stay with my boyfriend because I have my own fears to work through. My advice is be careful though…

[chillii]

Thing about some of that is that women don't realize what ex w's can be like and the trouble they can cause for a dad and his kids. She has her stress problems too so it's tricky timing even if she is in a better place right now, and for his kids too to start with. Even if he has zero interest in even getting back with her.

Him being fickle and unsure - his given you very legit reasons and he'd be going against his better judgement introing you so soon bc he knows damn well it's way too soon and bad timing too.  He's also feeling guilty though which is prob why he brought it up bc he felt pressure , even if you said nothing, so now his tossing and turning.

Edited October 24, 2022 by chillii

[Acacia98]

I agree that the kids' emotional well-being comes first. They shouldn't be rushed into meeting you. But, at the same time, he shouldn't keep telling you he's going to introduce you to them and then changing his mind about it. Being subjected to that can wear you down. I don't think someone who hasn't experienced it can imagine how difficult it can be to keep being given optimistic news then being let down. I think the one year mark is a good point for him to consider introducing you to the kids. If he starts to waver and feel uncertain at that point and you're still in the picture, then it's fair to ask yourself if you want to continue seeing him.

You see, it's possible that, even though you are in love, meeting the kids will change the dynamic of your relationship drastically. The kids might not like you. You might not like them. All sorts of complications could make your relationship difficult or impossible once you meet the kids. You probably don't want to sink 2+ years into the relationship before meeting the kids and finding out it's not gonna work. So you should also have a timeline for yourself. Decide for yourself how long you're willing to wait to meet the kids. And if he's still not ready to introduce you to them when that time is up, wish him well and end the relationship.

Edited October 24, 2022 by Acacia98

[Gaeta]

This man fell in love with another woman while married with 2 little kids 2 & 4 at the time. And that's the man you picked for yourself? He left his wife and 2 toddlers for an affair, and it failed after 8 months. Had he introduced his children to THAT woman?

Listen, this man has a HUGE lack of judgement & lack of loyalty. Instead of fixing whatever problem he had at home he put all his energy into seducing another woman. That's a clue on how your relationship together will end. 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, lillylola said:

No, I am absolutely not that person he fell in love with/left for. He tried to have a relationship with that woman for a few weeks but it didnt work out. After that, he has just been dating for a couple of years until we met, 8 months ago. 

The kids are still young.  You don’t want the kids to meet someone you aren’t serious about.

 

The general rule is to wait till 6 months.

 

there are a lot of uncertainty in how they will react.  Have you asked him if his ex is dating snd they met him?  If he talked to his kids about this and they said they met moms new br and had a negative reaction might concern him.

[smackie9]

Hey you can't help who you fall in love with right? BUT this guy has a bad situation on his hands. I don't blame his wife for being this way. The man cheated on her, left her to be a single mom, turning her world upside down along with their two young children. You are just going to have to accept the situation for now. You have only been dating for 8 months, that's hardly enough time to really know someone while you are both busy in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. A tip for you, what they tell you shouldn't be taken as a promise...at this stage of the game it's just talk. Step back, and let things move along at a slower pace, be watchful, observe, take notes. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, lillylola said:

I have been in a relationship/dating a guy for about 7 to 8 months now.  He has 2 kids, aged 5 and 7. He divorced about 3 years ago.

So months passed and there was always another reason for him to not tell about me to his kids. At this moment, they do not know about me and that he is seeing me

Sorry this is happening. Try not to fast forward the relationship. It's completely up to him to be responsible and shield them. He also needs to focus on co-parenting with their mother. He's right it has nothing to do with you or your  budding relationship. It has to do with his comfort level as a dating single parent and most of all  protecting his children from adult issues. Keep in mind his children are his priority and always will be important. So a young new relationship compared to their innocent 5 and 7 year old lives is important but not as important.. Try not to make his children a yardstick of his commitment.

Edited October 24, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

Also ask yourself are you reallly interested in meeting the kids because you have an interest in them or because of what that signifies to his ex wife.  That you two are a couple and moving forward with the kids approval.  He may feel it's the latter.

[NuevoYorko]

If you want to be with this man, you're going to have to step aside from his relationship with his children and their mother.   You are putting pressure on the situation right now and making it about yourself.  It's not about you.   

I understand that you both "see a future" but is this future planned? Are you engaged formally?   Do you live together?   If you are not at that point yet, I don't think that the kids need to know you right now.   This doesn't mean that your bf does not "see a future,"  but at this time, you are not in a position to play a role in his kids' lives.  Once you do, you will also have some kind of situation with his ex, and she with you.  That will likely have some fallout.  It's tricky.  Little kids don't need that.

Your bf screwed up pretty bad already in his family life, falling in love while he was still married.   He is probably being appropriately cautious.  

Just continue with your relationship and don't push the kid thing.  Let it grow naturally.   Your personal feelings of wanting to get involved with the kids because that carries an implication of the relationship taking an important step forward is not something you should be indulging in.    It will come between you and your boyfriend.  

[chillii]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This man fell in love with another woman while married with 2 little kids 2 & 4 at the time. And that's the man you picked for yourself? He left his wife and 2 toddlers for an affair, and it failed after 8 months. Had he introduced his children to THAT woman?

Listen, this man has a HUGE lack of judgement & lack of loyalty. Instead of fixing whatever problem he had at home he put all his energy into seducing another woman. That's a clue on how your relationship together will end. 

 

Yeah l mean that's a whole nother side but we dunno what the marriage was like or the ex w was like or any of it.  So for me , what's happening right now about this meeting his kids, is the important thing at hand right now.

But yeah,  whole nother side to it too op , depending.

 

 

 

Edited October 24, 2022 by chillii

[chillii]

42 minutes ago, Lauriebell82 said:

Yes, this is what I was getting at. My boyfriend has lots of great qualities that make him a great partner-but I also am not in a position to want a greater commitment then our existing relationship given all my divorce trauma. But I think thats mutual between us. 
 

Ahh , nice that your both in the same place about things then, good luck with everything.

Edited October 24, 2022 by chillii

[chillii]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you want to be with this man, you're going to have to step aside from his relationship with his children and their mother.   You are putting pressure on the situation right now and making it about yourself.  It's not about you.   

I understand that you both "see a future" but is this future planned? Are you engaged formally?   Do you live together?   If you are not at that point yet, I don't think that the kids need to know you right now.   This doesn't mean that your bf does not "see a future,"  but at this time, you are not in a position to play a role in his kids' lives.  Once you do, you will also have some kind of situation with his ex, and she with you.  That will likely have some fallout.  It's tricky.  Little kids don't need that.

Your bf screwed up pretty bad already in his family life, falling in love while he was still married.   He is probably being appropriately cautious.  

Just continue with your relationship and don't push the kid thing.  Let it grow naturally.   Your personal feelings of wanting to get involved with the kids because that carries an implication of the relationship taking an important step forward is not something you should be indulging in.    It will come between you and your boyfriend.  

 

Yep,fully agree , nicely explained, exactly what l was getting at .

 

 

[ShyViolet]

He is being a responsible parent.  If he feels that the kids aren't ready, then he has every right to make that decision.  This is not about you.  You really should back off this issue.  The respectful and mature thing to do is to let him introduce you to his kids when he is really good and ready, on his own time.  Don't put pressure on him about it.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, lillylola said:

, he has just been dating for a couple of years until we met, 8 months ago. 

That's exactly the point. He's protecting his children while he dates. You're hoping you are further along than you are, but you're not. And you seem to be hoping that your his last dating experience, but you're not. He just doesn't know, so doesn't want to drag his kids through that.