Husband bought one ticket to an event and I'm suspicious

[mimt]

Hi. I'm looking for unbiased opinions here.

Today I happened to see my husband bought a ticket to an upcoming social event. It's something he knows I'd also be interested in, but he only bought one ticket. It's also the same evening he had plans elsewhere. So he switched up his plans I guess. The previous event will be running at the same time and is a more formal thing. So I know almost 100% it's nothing related to that and he's not attending there now.  He also bought a new jacket and said nothing about it. I'm usually a trusting person, but have a bad feeling about this and think it's odd? Any thoughts and opinions on how to handle this?

[Brian1223]

Ask him.

[mimt]

5 minutes ago, Brian1223 said:

Ask him.

I know that sounds like the obvious answer, but he's already being secretive. 

[Brian1223]

Just now, mimt said:

I know that sounds like the obvious answer, but he's already being secretive. 

Makes sense. Could you hint and try to bring it up in a round about manner to gauge his response regarding this event? 

[basil67]

I'd tell him that you would have been interested in going and are hurt that he didn't invite you.  See what he says

Edited October 25, 2022 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, mimt said:

I know that sounds like the obvious answer, but he's already being secretive. 

Are you snooping amongst his personal stuff to discover these things?  His being secretive is not a reason for you not to ask him what he's up to.   Obviously he is trying to keep it from you, but it's necessary to get things out in the open.    

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, mimt said:

I know that sounds like the obvious answer, but he's already being secretive. 

Well, if you're too scared to communicate with your own husband, which may be the bigger problem, pack a bag and tell him you're gonna go visit your mum or a friend for awhile. 😳

Yeah, something is definitely off about this and you know that. 

I would not care how secretive he's being, if me I would confront him.

Since you're unable to, my suggestion is look within to determine why you're afraid to.

Again, THAT is the bigger problem and may even be the reason he's off on this little excursion without you and lying about it.

Cause and effect. 

EDIT:  How long have you been married?

Edited October 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

If he’s unfaithful he also appears as careless as can be. Can you describe what has led you to become suspicious of him? 

As I mention each and every time there’s an issue of cheating or infidelity, focus on your marriage and whether it’s functional or a sham. If you’re both only living as roommates or out of convenience the marriage is long over. 

Look at the marriage. Try not to spiral out into these details. You could potentially get lost in them indefinitely and spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder when the giant picture overhead is screaming at you that it’s already over.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, mimt said:

, but he's already being secretive. 

In what sense? 

[mimt]

7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Are you snooping amongst his personal stuff to discover these things?  

Nope. I've never done anything like that. This is all making me wonder if I should.

 

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Well, if you're too scared to communicate with your own husband, which may be the bigger problem, pack a bag and tell him you're gonna go visit your mum or a friend for awhile. 😳

Yeah, something is definitely off about this and you know that. 

I would not care how secretive he's being, if me I would confront him.

Since you're unable to, my suggestion is look within to determine why you're afraid to.

Again, THAT is the bigger problem and may even be the reason he's off on this little excursion without you and lying about it.

Cause and effect. 

EDIT:  How long have you been married?

I'm not scared to communicate or of him at all. I guess I'm just trying to work out the best way to approach it. I tend to be an over thinker and think before I act. 

We have been married for three years. Together for six years. 

6 hours ago, glows said:

If he’s unfaithful he also appears as careless as can be. Can you describe what has led you to become suspicious of him? 

As I mention each and every time there’s an issue of cheating or infidelity, focus on your marriage and whether it’s functional or a sham. If you’re both only living as roommates or out of convenience the marriage is long over. 

Look at the marriage. Try not to spiral out into these details. You could potentially get lost in them indefinitely and spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder when the giant picture overhead is screaming at you that it’s already over.

Absolutely no suspicion until I accidently read he has bought this ticket. We have a very good relationship as far as I'm concerned. I can't see any reason why he wouldn't be happy or hiding things. 

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In what sense? 

 Why one ticket to this event? Why switch up his plans? Why isn't he communicating it with his wife?

Thanks everyone for the replies. If I decide to take some action after work, I have a few hours to think that through. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, mimt said:

I know that sounds like the obvious answer, but he's already being secretive. 

 How old is he? How long have you been married? Has he cheated before?

How do you know he bought tickets if he's being secretive? Are you thinking he's meeting a mistress at this event?

If you have access to his plans and purchases how is it secret? Are the tickets for himself or a gift for someone?

[glows]

3 hours ago, mimt said:

I'm not scared to communicate or of him at all. I guess I'm just trying to work out the best way to approach it. I tend to be an over thinker and think before I act. 

We have been married for three years. Together for six years. 

Absolutely no suspicion until I accidently read he has bought this ticket. We have a very good relationship as far as I'm concerned. I can't see any reason why he wouldn't be happy or hiding things. 

 Why one ticket to this event? Why switch up his plans? Why isn't he communicating it with his wife?

I’d ask casually and try not to overthink it in the meantime. I see where you’re going with this though and why it may appear out of character or strange considering he already had plans for another event. You say you’ve been together for six years and married for three. You may know his comings and goings better than most. If this puzzles you, ask and be open with one another.

What does seem odd is that he hasn’t mentioned any of this in passing to you. How often do you see each other or have dinner together at home for ie? 

[mark clemson]

Yes, communicate about this. It does seem odd that he's (apparently) getting dressed up to go by himself to an event that he'd normally attend with you. It seems odd that there's an event he's going to (as far as your concerned) but in reality he's going to something else, by himself, and not telling you about it. Almost like a "cover story".

It's possible this is all nothing and he's just not bothering to communicate about everything fully. Keep that in mind. It's ALSO possible it's "something" OR that by broaching this you're heading off whatever this might be before it can escalate too far.

It's possible he's less happy in the marriage than he lets on. That may be something to figure out and do something about as well. But first see how the current issue plays out.

[flitzanu]

simplest answer would be that maybe he doesn't want to go with you and wants to go alone.

[mimt]

I asked him if he knew about this event. I worked it into the conversation so that it wouldn't seem out of place. Along the lines of "oh! Did you know X was happening?" He mumbled that he had seen it somewhere, walked out and got busy in the next room. A little later I said how it's a shame he's not free to go that evening. Nothing. Silence. I didn't want to make him suspicious, so I didn't say any more about it. But what the hell right?

[poppyfields]

May I ask how you found the ticket if you didn't go snooping? 

If it was in plain sight for you to find, I don't understand why you couldn't simply tell him you found the ticket? 

And ask him why he didn't tell you about it, why he told you he was going someplace else, and what's up with the new jacket?

You didn't have to ask these questions in an b*tchy accusatory manner, you're simply inquiring about something that is confusing and makes no sense and seeking clarification.

By trying to be coy about it the way you did, you made things worse.  It's actually quite manipulative and disingenuous.

I don't even know what to suggest now, the entire situation sounds suspicious and just off from the both of you.

Not sure how you intend to have a happy successful marriage if you both can't be honest with each other.

P.S.  JMO but I suspect he's cheating or about to.

 

 

Edited October 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, mimt said:

I didn't want to make him suspicious, so I didn't say any more about it. But what the hell right?

Since you say you weren't snooping when you found the ticket why didn't you just come right out and ask why is there only 1 ticket?   He can't be secretive about it with you holding the ticket in your hand.  

Edited October 25, 2022 by stillafool

[mimt]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

May I ask how you found the ticket if you didn't go snooping? 

If it was in plain sight for you to find, I don't understand why you couldn't simply tell him you found the ticket? 

And ask him why he didn't tell you about it, why he told you he was going someplace else, and what's up with the new jacket?

You didn't have to ask these questions in an b*tchy accusatory manner, you're simply inquiring about something that is confusing and makes no sense and seeking clarification.

By trying to be coy about it the way you did, you made things worse.  It's actually quite manipulative and disingenuous.

I don't even know what to suggest now, the entire situation sounds suspicious and just off from the both of you.

Not sure how you intend to have a happy successful marriage if you both can't be honest with each other.

P.S.  JMO but I suspect he's cheating or about to.

 

 

It was in a confirmation email. He left his emails window up on the shared computer. The subject line and email preview gave most of the details already. I did google the event and read that it's on that day and time. I realize it may look like snooping to him but really wasn't intentional. I didn't even open the email. I think he probably left it up by mistake, because he clearly didn't want to inform me. But you're right, I need to just tell him the truth. I apologize for being long winded about it and thank you. Maybe a part of me is afraid of opening this up and just want to bury my head in the sand. Just in case it's the worst-case scenario. But I'm not going to. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, mimt said:

I worked it into the conversation so that it wouldn't seem out of place. Along the lines of "oh! Did you know X was happening?" He mumbled that he had seen it somewhere, walked out and got busy in the next room. A little later I said how it's a shame he's not free to go that evening. Nothing. Silence. 

Unfortunately tiptoeing around with innuendo and not being forthcoming indicates communication issues. Make him suspicious of what? That you are suspicious? You need to be  more honest with each other . You're in a danger zone of tiptoeing around in the dark like this and drifting apart from cloak and dagger games rather than being frank and asking him straight up about it. You're his wife. You share a computer. You two should be able to talk. Do you think he's  cheating by buying one ticket or are you upset he is not taking you?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, mimt said:

Maybe a part of me is afraid of opening this up and just want to bury my head in the sand. Just in case it's the worst-case scenario. But I'm not going to. 

If you trust your husband you would not be afraid to ask him a question like this that might lead to the worst case scenario.  You should have asked him hours ago and then maybe this would no longer be on your mind.

[mimt]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you think he's  cheating by buying one ticket or are you upset he is not taking you?

I was mostly confused and concerned why none of this was communicated with me. I don't want to assume cheating obviously but don't understand the secrecy.

I told him calmly I know about the ticket and how. I asked why he didn't tell me. He said he isn't sure if he's going there or not. Said he didn't mention it because he didn't think it was a big deal or that he needed to. I then asked why only one ticket? Not only did he not ask me along but not even with a friend or anything? He said I won't be at the formal event with him, so he just got one ticket in case he wanted to leave early and go straight there.

I still have a really bad feeling and it's unlike me. I'm not an untrusting person by nature. He's free to do his own thing, we have our own hobbies etc. I don't snoop on him or "nag" but none of this is sitting right with me. He ended it with he doesn't understand why I'm making it into a big deal and it's stressing him out. So what now?

[mark clemson]

IMO let it drop, but also keep an eye out for any other stuff that doesn't add up.

It's not crazy for him to get a bit defensive if you "make a big deal out of" what is in his mind nothing. However, it's also not crazy for him to get defensive IF he's up to something like cheating and you are "on to him". 

So, the situation continues to be ambiguous, unfortunately. "Gut senses" sometimes are dead on but sometimes way off. You are right IMO to be wondering, but don't jump to worst-case-scenario conclusions unless you find actual hard evidence that something negative is actually happening.

Spend more time together as well, and try to increase or at least maintain your "bond". This might feel hard right now, but IMO the last thing you want to do is drive someone away/damage your marriage over something that turns out to be, essentially, nothing at all. AND keep eye out while you do that. That's easier said than done, I get it, but IMO an ambiguous situation requires a course of action that encompasses the uncertainty, until the uncertainty is reasonably resolved.

Edited October 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

I am very sorry this is happening.

Either way, you have his answer and it’s up to you to accept it. You can keep going at this for a long time questioning what he does as now that trust is tainted. Something tells me there’s a lot under the surface in your relationship. 

Both of you need a heart to heart without all this between you. Tell him what you feel and you’re sorry for invading his privacy or doubting him. Things like these are not easily forgotten. That trust between the both of you needs to be repaired. Right now this relationship is fractured and going downhill. 

If you keep feeling a pervasive need to look over your shoulder going forward, the marriage won’t work. 

I agree with Mark about rebuilding your bond.

[Alvi]

How do you think that your marriage been lately, good, bad?  Is there something else going on that you are not writing on this forum? Are there any outside stressors, such as work, family, etc..? How is the intimacy part? How open have the two of you been in the past with each other, how is the communication?

Could you just confront him directly and see what he says? Say that you have not been snooping but that you have discovered the e-mail that he has left open and you want to talk about it to him. Hopefully he is not going to shut you down. Don't know what else to suggest. Try talking to him honestly about your feeling regarding this.

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

P.S.  JMO but I suspect he's cheating or about to.

Hate to say, but it is a very strong possibly. Let's hope this didn't go that far yet. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, mimt said:

Said he didn't mention it because he didn't think it was a big deal or that he needed to.

This is a load of crap, OP. 

You brought it up before and he pretended to know nothing about it. That was his chance to say, "hey, I actually got myself a ticket for that, think I might go." Instead, he lied by omission and danced around it. 

He's not being honest and you both know it. Something is wrong in your marriage and this was Life tapping you on the shoulder to clue you in.