NuevoYorko Posted October 27, 2022 Share Posted October 27, 2022 14 minutes ago, mimt said: I'm not invited. No fault of his. What kind of a formal event is it? It seems unusual that a wife would not be included in that type of thing. Do you think so? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimt Posted October 27, 2022 Author Share Posted October 27, 2022 12 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: What kind of a formal event is it? It seems unusual that a wife would not be included in that type of thing. Do you think so? Actually I don't think that's unusual. It's a dinner with a few people who could help him make connections in his career. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimt Posted October 27, 2022 Author Share Posted October 27, 2022 Him missing it for a comedy club, that is unusual to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 i kinda think the "formal-dinner-for connections" is a cover story which probably isn't scheduled to take place at all. why would someone duck out of something like that early? doesn't that somewhat defeat the purpose? and just for the sake of going to a comedy club, by himself no less? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 On 10/26/2022 at 7:33 PM, mimt said: So this morning he was extra sweet to me. Full of compliments etc. and made me the best breakfast. He's usually a sweet person anyway. But it was like he was doing his best to show me care and undivided attention. You do know that this is a big sign of cheating right? Spouses become suddenly very attentive to their SO due to guilt. He is 100% up to something. Sorry to be so blunt but he is expressing classic signs. He bought 1 ticket and a new jacket because he is obviously meeting someone there. The only way you are going to find out the truth and put your mind at rest is if you go there yourself and see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 (edited) Snooping isn’t necessary when there’s trust. You don’t trust him all of a sudden. And I can write a book on trust in a marriage. Snooping? Been there, done that. Was it agony? Yes. Was it worth it? No. Did it change my decision to divorce? No. He’s on the alert if you’ve already brought up this formal or this particular evening. Going to the event would likely reveal nothing if he is doing something behind your back. He’s already covering his tracks if he isn’t doing something he should. Hire a PI indefinitely to canvas all his comings and goings especially NOT this event if you’re so concerned. I think it’s more beneficial to ask yourself why you’re choosing to go down this path at all. You’ll have to eventually decide if this relationship, marriage or not, is worth the headache and going around and around in circles. I could never tolerate suspicion of myself by someone else or suspicion of something duplicitous and deceitful in a partner so there’s no way I’d seek to continue this based on pure instinct and thought, the way I wish to live or what life means to me. If you feel he’s not the one for you you need to do what’s right for yourself without hanging in limbo waiting for the other shoe to drop or for another sign. I do wonder how much of this is coming from unhappiness overall and not just within your marriage. Edited October 28, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 19 hours ago, IrinaM said: i kinda think the "formal-dinner-for connections" is a cover story which probably isn't scheduled to take place at all. why would someone duck out of something like that early? doesn't that somewhat defeat the purpose? and just for the sake of going to a comedy club, by himself no less? That is what I wanted to suggest as well. OP, ask him to show you the proof of that formal work dinner being scheduled. He might have just wanted an excuse to be away from home that evening when he was going to the comedy club...in his new jacket. It does not add up that he would buy ONE ticket for a comedy event with the whole package, drinks afterwards, etc. Who goes to comedy club alone 1. while married to someone who would be interested in coming along with him 2. while having another important work event scheduled that same evening? He was overly attentive after you confronted him. It can be a sign he feels guilty. OP, being overly suspicious is wrong, but being not suspicious at all and accepting any explanation that he gives (what was it, BTW) is equally wrong. You know yourself better - will it eat you up slowly? Ask for the proof, ask to see his phone... It is not nicest thing that you can do, but neither is the situation in which you find yourself. He should understand and be supportive. It is reasonable request under the circumstances. If roles were reversed and you had nothing to hide, wouldn't you want to put him at ease and prove to him that everything is ok? I sure wouldn't have any issue if under the described circumstances my partner asked me if I could show him the proof of a work dinner, for example. I'd do it gladly. The only time where I would go all "don't you trust me? It is ridiculous and I am not going to prove anything to you, I am mad now because you don't just trust me" and guilt tripping my partner is if I had something to find. Same goes if he starts with "but I deleted the email with invitation to dinner"... etc. If he wants to prove something and help you ease your mind, he can do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimt Posted October 28, 2022 Author Share Posted October 28, 2022 I tried to do it the “right” way and he kept shutting me down. So I recovered his texts. Thousands of them between him and his ex. They have been talking off and on for half of our relationship. Friendly chat escalated to more deeper conversations. They even talked about their past relationship, what went wrong and apologies. He even reassured her that he did love her (past tense), and he didn’t leave her due to lack of love. Prompted by her, she wants my husband’s reassurance. She is clearly in love with him and didn’t get over him. She admitted her feelings. I believe he was her first love. She knows about me but doesn’t ask much and he doesn’t tell much. He transferred her a little bit of money. It wasn’t much but it was money. More recently they have started sexting. Remembering their past sex life and imagining what they would be doing if together. Helping each other get off. He mentions this comedy club and she says she wants to go and so should he. He decides he wants to go there too, and they both then buy a ticket. I believe from the texts, they haven’t met up in all of these years. I confronted him. He admits he’s wrong for the sexting and is very sorry. Says they never made plans to meet at the club. Which is true they didn’t say let’s meet. But there is a good chance they would see each other there. Then what? Does it make a difference they didn’t plan a meet? He also harped on about how he told her he only wanted friendship. But that was before the deeper conversations and the sexting. Literally a few years ago. I don’t think it’s truly hit me yet as I feel numb and not sure what to think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 Your husband has been cheating on you. Do not allow him to gaslight you any further, stop engaging with him completely. His spiel about how they didn't "explicitly agree" to meet up or whatever is ridiculous!! This man obviously does not respect you to try and feed you a lie like that. He never had a business dinner, he had a rendevouz with his ex. I'm so sorry this must be shocking. Go see an attorney, and do not tell him about that. He's been stacking cards and making plans behind your back, so now it's time for you to look out for you. I'm glad you trusted your instincts and found out the truth. He was never going to admit to anything. (And there is likely even more you don't know about yet, because there always is.) 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 Do you know what you are going to do now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimt Posted October 28, 2022 Author Share Posted October 28, 2022 I don't know what to do. Why didn't they arrange to actually meet? Does he have feelings for her? How do I ever get the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 I believe they have agreed to meet. She said I am going here, you should go and he purchased one ticket. Sorry that you are in this position. I read this entire thread and agree with others that his behavior is suspicious, dishonest (gaslighting you) and very troubling. Been in your position and it sucks. Eyes wide open and really think about what you want and how to get it. Your marriage seems to be in deep trouble based on what you have shared. Be strong and don’t accept lies and rug sweeping. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 28, 2022 Share Posted October 28, 2022 42 minutes ago, mimt said: I don't know what to do. Why didn't they arrange to actually meet? Does he have feelings for her? How do I ever get the truth? This is emotional cheating even if they never met or had physical sex. He was confiding in her and sharing intimate feelings/sexts and so on. You’ll have to decide whether your marriage is worth staying for. Given that he kept this up during most of your marriage, this is normal to him. I doubt he sees any of this out of the ordinary. He’s only sorry he was caught. The mentality that “she came first” this must be okay and we’ve known each other longer than my wife and I have been married is often justification enough for some. It’s the same for her - “I came first in his life or he knew me first”. If he doesn’t make it explicit that he’s faithful to you only as his wife that alone is a green light for some individuals to cross boundaries and assume a married man/person is free for the taking. Either way they both paid little to no attention to you as his partner. Maybe think on these things a little and make up your mind from here. I suggest speaking with a lawyer in private and assessing your options privately. Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 5 hours ago, mimt said: He mentions this comedy club and she says she wants to go and so should he. He decides he wants to go there too, and they both then buy a ticket. OP, I am very sorry that you are in this position. So it appears that your husband has been living a double life thought your entire marriage. How do you not see that they made plans to meet? She mentioned that she wants to go to that comedy club and said that he should go there as well. And they both purchased their tickets so they could meet there. Since he actually purchased his ticked, yes, a million yesses, to him wanting to meet her there. If that's not wanting to meet, don't know what is. You can connect the dots and guess what would be the end-result of that meeting. His behavior is very disgusting. I think he was having an emotional affair with her for years and was on a verge of starting a physical affair with her. Do you have kids or mortgage or business together? Do you depend on him financially or in any other ways? If not, I think it is a good idea to go see a divorce attorney as soon as possible to find out your options (don't tell him about your plans). 5 hours ago, mimt said: He transferred her a little bit of money. It wasn’t much but it was money. Oh, she could be scamming him for money. If your husband really that gullible that he would take money that could go to your family and give it to this woman? Never mind, you should not trust him. If you have joint finances, please consider un-jointing them since you don't want to lose own money to her scams. 4 hours ago, mimt said: Does he have feelings for her? How do I ever get the truth? Yeah, sorry to say but he more than likely has feeling for her. Otherwise, he would not be texting her, nor would he be apologizing to her. He would definitely not be sexting her or giving her any money. You might never get the entire truth but I think that you know enough of what is going on. Whatever you do, please, don't believe anything he says. He might try to minimize the entire affair with this woman or he might gaslight you. Or he might make you think that this is all your fault that he went down that road. Maybe, just maybe, if he goes completely no contact with this woman and agrees to counselling, there might be some hope for your marriage. But even then, this is very iffy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 3 hours ago, glows said: The mentality that “she came first” this must be okay and we’ve known each other longer than my wife and I have been married is often justification enough for some. It’s the same for her - “I came first in his life or he knew me first”. What a twisted mentality that is. Who cares who came first? His wife needs to always come first, no ifs buts or maybes. Unfortunately, this guy might never see it this way. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Alvi said: What a twisted mentality that is. Who cares who came first? His wife needs to always come first, no ifs buts or maybes. Unfortunately, this guy might never see it this way. Exactly. His wife comes first in theory as well as in an ideal world but this is clearly not the case in the OP’s situation. Edited October 29, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 6 hours ago, mimt said: Says they never made plans to meet at the club. BS. Now you know the real reason he played dumb about the club. He had definitely planned to meet her there. 5 hours ago, mimt said: Does he have feelings for her? 6 hours ago, mimt said: Does it make a difference they didn’t plan a meet? Mint, they did plan a meet. You just happened to find out about it beforehand. And yes, it is quite clear he does have feelings for her. These two are not just friends and he's not the man you thought he was. His heart isn't with you anymore. I would be speaking to an attorney today. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 of course he planned to meet her at the club! that's why he concealed the purchase of the ticket and made up a cover story about "networking dinner." He had every intention of meeting up with his ex that night. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 Now you know you can’t trust him. He cheats. He’s a liar. what do you plan to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, mimt said: He mentions this comedy club and she says she wants to go and so should he. He decides he wants to go there too, and they both then buy a ticket. Sorry this is happening. Now that the truth is out, you'll have to decide if you want to go to marriage therapy to sort things out. Perhaps this is the first time they're meeting up, perhaps not. Unfortunately he may deny everything and play it down, so this may be difficult to navigate without the help of a neutral professional. Edited October 29, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stret Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 I'm sorry. You must be in shock and it all must seem surreal. As time goes by, the picture will clear up for you. It was obvious that there was someone else, as it is now obvious he did plan to meet her. Why else would he buy a ticket? Whether he has feelings for her or not is a secondary thing IMO. The biggest issue is how deceptive he was and still is. He lied, shut you down, and continues to lie now that he's been caught. It's called trickle truth and it's devastating for the one in relationship with a person doing this to them. Not sure what kind of person you are - are you someone willing to try and live with this man? Would you ever be able to trust him again knowing what he's capable of and how he treated you? After this, is the marriage worth trying to save or would that be a waste of time? I would get a divorce lawyer, take what I can, and leave as soon as I can. If this is how the relative start of the marriage looks like, imagine 15-20 years down the road. It is not about you, or you not being enough, but about him being immature, dishonest and selfish. He might now end up begging and saying he's sorry, he loves you, etc. But it is likely a childish love and just a way to keep status quo till he figures out what he really wants and needs and till he gets it. He'll be more careful with getting caught. Sorry about my negative view of the things. But it is just me. You might be able and willing to invest into your marriage and you might be able to forgive and forget. Do what feels right for you, when you've had a bit time to think. But do give yourself some distance from him, confide in friends and family and figure things out. But I'm afraid that as soon as you leave, he'll be confiding in her and meeting up with her... She probably already knows he's been caught. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 One thing almost for certain: If you want to stay married and have it be a decent life together, you need to go to counseling together. Your trust is broken. A marriage with no trust is awful. You'd need help to rebuild the capacity to trust him. At this point you don't even know how invested he is in remaining married. He might have one foot out the door. I'm very sorry you're going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 29, 2022 Share Posted October 29, 2022 If the roles were reversed, how do you think he would be reacting? He clearly has been disrespecting you. If you don't respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 Really unfortunate turn of events. Guess you'll have to decide what you want to do about this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted November 2, 2022 Share Posted November 2, 2022 Have you checked his calls? Outgoing and incoming? They may have arranged to meet over the phone and not in texts. I think this marriage is over. Tell him to leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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