Did I deserve to get stood up here?

[ccas93]

I (29) texting and making plans with this girl (24) for the last week. She said was very attracted to me and really wanted to hang out and had a good conversation going, and actually came back and asked me out again when we fell out of contact for a few days. Last night we talked on the phone for an hour, and there was definitely some chemistry. Told me she was super excited to hang out. So we had plans for tonight to meet at 8:30 tonight. So I leave and get there at 8:25, a little early, and text asking if if she is going to still be there at 8:30, since I realized we hadn't texted that we were heading to the venue. I don't get a response for like 15 min, and then she calls me and says "I'm heading there now - I'll be there in 20 min" I wasn't super impressed by her lack of punctuality combined with the bad communication esp on week night, and just said "OK" flatly a few times and asked her ETA, but figured 20 min wasn't too bad to hang out. 

This was on top of some botched communication over the weekend on her part about possibly hanging out on Sunday. She got drunk watching football with her friends when we agreed to hang out that evening, she said she was going to sober up and hang out, and I told her no pressure but if she wants to hang out, lmk by 6 PM or so. Heard nothing until 8 pm when she wrote said she fell asleep. I was sort of annoyed then too, but mostly understanding. She was super defensive and wrote me paragraphs defending herself when I wasn't even all that mad about it. 

so by 9:05 she still hasn't arrived and I texted her that I was going home. That's when I noticed that she deleted me off the app and blocked my phone number. Somehow on Bumble she is not even in my deleted matches section, so I can't report her. 

[glows]

No one deserves to get stood up. She came on quite strong there. Did that not raise a few alarm bells? I’m assuming you both have not met. How would she know if she’s very attracted to you if she’s never met you? It’s not something I would say until months down the line after some time getting to know someone.

The Sunday not working out sounds disrespectful of your time. I’m sorry about this one. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

She got drunk watching football with her friends when we agreed to hang out that evening, she said she was going to sober up and hang out, and I told her no pressure but if she wants to hang out, lmk by 6 PM or so. Heard nothing until 8 pm when she wrote said she fell asleep.

Next time, let this be the red flag that tells you not to bother with someone. 

She is flaky and unreliable. You are well rid of her. 

[ccas93]

38 minutes ago, glows said:

No one deserves to get stood up. She came on quite strong there. Did that not raise a few alarm bells? I’m assuming you both have not met. How would she know if she’s very attracted to you if she’s never met you? It’s not something I would say until months down the line after some time getting to know someone.

The Sunday not working out sounds disrespectful of your time. I’m sorry about this one. 

I sent her some pictures of myself so that what I mean by she was attracted to me. So yeah physically attracted to my pics, and I do look like my pics, which is superficial but a motivating factor in meeting someone off the app I'd say. It wasn't all we talked about, we definitely got to know each other as people as well, and it seemed to be going well

Yeah it was a bit! It's OK I just wasn't expecting to get stood up by her. Like most people are decent enough people not to do this, even if they are not the best communicators or the most punctual.

[ccas93]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Next time, let this be the red flag that tells you not to bother with someone. 

She is flaky and unreliable. You are well rid of her. 

Yeah. it was a red flag.  I figured it could be an issue at some point but not to this magnitude this quickly. I guess I was hoping that the first time it was a bad day. I sent her a text at 9:05-9:10 that I was going home and also saying it does't matter if we go on the date because this sort of thing is a deal breaker for me. but she blocked my number. 

Edited October 26, 2022 by ccas93

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ccas93 said:

. She got drunk watching football with her friends when we agreed to hang out that evening, That's when I noticed that she deleted me off the app and blocked my phone number. 

Sorry this happened. It sounds like you dodged major bullet. The "got too drunk and maybe if I sober up we'll hang out" part was the time to delete and block her and move on to someone more reliable and enthusiastic.

[basil67]

Nobody deserves to be stood up.  It takes but one message to say that you've changed your mind or can't attend the date

[bene]

Answering your question — no, you did not deserve to be stood up. Just showing up in a certain time and place is bare minimum for a decent person unless there is an emergency. 

However she doesn’t sound too excited to meet you to be honest so there’s probably nothing lost. Don’t wait around for someone to sober up to hang out with you. This is just disrespectful and shows you how low priority you were for her.   Also, hanging out sounds really vague and non-committal to me. Don’t make plans to “hang out” with women but ask them to a date.

[glows]

7 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I sent her some pictures of myself so that what I mean by she was attracted to me. So yeah physically attracted to my pics, and I do look like my pics, which is superficial but a motivating factor in meeting someone off the app I'd say. It wasn't all we talked about, we definitely got to know each other as people as well, and it seemed to be going well

Yeah it was a bit! It's OK I just wasn't expecting to get stood up by her. Like most people are decent enough people not to do this, even if they are not the best communicators or the most punctual.

I agree. Id hold off sending any photos to a stranger you haven’t met yet. The dating apps are designed to match individuals and display a few photos on each profile. The reason I say this is you went beyond what you needed to do before having met anyone for the first time, investing a little too much into this. 

The second mistake was not letting her go after she slept through Sunday. This wasn’t an emergency and she wasn’t taken ill. The situation could have been well avoided if she didn’t drink or didn’t plan to meet you that day. The suggestion for her to sober up the same day to meet you doesn’t really sound like someone with a good grasp of themselves. Things get out of hand with her and don’t go to plan. She got defensive because she knew she made a mistake. 

I think you were kind but you don’t need to be too obliging this early. Try not to invest too much sending photos personally without having met someone. Everything should be self-explanatory on your profile. 

[flaxcapacitor]

I feel like being stood up is becoming the norm with online dating, it depends on the person of course, but for some people now it's almost too easy to get dates and even once they've made plans it's only a possibility rather than a certainty of the date going ahead.

[smackie9]

Some people are narcissistic and it’s all about them. Since you never met she felt she owed you nothing. When you call out their behaviour, even in the slightest way, they get extremely defensive and seek out revenge of some kind. She did just that. You dodged a bullet. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Nothing you did wrong except giving her a pass on the drunken night. Anyone who basically tells you about getting drunk (and using getting drunk as a valid excuse for change plans) is trouble.

She was probably drunk again yesterday. 

 

[ccas93]

100% agree. The "I got drunk" excuse was very sophomoric and a red flag - though I guess I let that slide bc I know how football sundays can be for some people. and then when I was just mildly annoyed she said I was being passive aggressive and started writing the defensive paragraphs. But she was also very apologetic at the same time and seemed like she felt really bad. So I saw the defensiveness just as some insecurity. I just saw her as an internet stranger so I didn't let the behavior bother me too much, which is why I didn't get too mad and just said we can reschedule to tuesday. 

Just even meeting people has been super difficult the last few years - so I wanted to say at least I was chill and gave her a chance.

I guess I need to go back to being cutthroat and not make excuses for anyone.

Edited October 26, 2022 by ccas93

[salparadise]

17 hours ago, ccas93 said:

I (29) texting and making plans with this girl (24) for the last week.

If I were your age I'd be concentrating on women a bit older. The difference in maturity between 30+ vs. < 25 will be night and day. That'snot to say there aren't exceptions on both sides, but generally speaking it's the difference between dealing with a child vs. an adult. And I get that sometimes you just play the cards that are dealt, but it sounds like you were getting yourself invested before even meeting. I'm sure we all have different things we focus on, but for me reliability and willingness to meet me half way are imperatives. I think you should just forget about this episode (other than filing it in lessons learned once) and go for Women, with a capital W. And not even a hint of obsequiousness. 

[ccas93]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

If I were your age I'd be concentrating on women a bit older. The difference in maturity between 30+ vs. < 25 will be night and day. That'snot to say there aren't exceptions on both sides, but generally speaking it's the difference between dealing with a child vs. an adult. And I get that sometimes you just play the cards that are dealt, but it sounds like you were getting yourself invested before even meeting. I'm sure we all have different things we focus on, but for me reliability and willingness to meet me half way are imperatives. I think you should just forget about this episode (other than filing it in lessons learned once) and go for Women, with a capital W. And not even a hint of obsequiousness. 

As far as for the investment on my part, not terribly, I didn't have any strong expectations for this other than getting to know her on our date. If anything I felt like she was getting invested in me. If we had met and it didn't go anywhere, that would have been fine, it happens.  However, I do totally agree with you about dating Women with a captial W. Signs of immaturity like "oh i got drunk" are deal breakers now. I've only been stood up one other time and I don't remember how old she was.

 Generally I'm an absolutely no BS guy when it comes to dating, but I thought I'd change my approach a little this time and let a little slide. Didn't work.

She also unblocked my number today and wrote me "lol who is this?" so I told her what I thought of her behavior and blocked her number. 

Edited October 27, 2022 by ccas93

[BrinnM]

6 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

She also unblocked my number today and wrote me "lol who is this?" so I told her what I thought of her behavior and blocked

Omg how lame. 🙄

Good riddance!

[glows]

11 hours ago, ccas93 said:

Signs of immaturity like "oh i got drunk" are deal breakers now. I've only been stood up one other time and I don't remember how old she was.

If you would not do it to someone else, there’s no reason to accept it when done to you. That’s a simple approach to remember.

[flaxcapacitor]

12 hours ago, ccas93 said:

She also unblocked my number today and wrote me "lol who is this?" so I told her what I thought of her behavior and blocked her number. 

Hah, that's funny. I've had that happen before... back in my teenage years, where a girl who I was talking to online, presumably having cooled off on the idea of meeting me tried to pretend she had no idea who I was when I messaged her one day.

I don't think it's necessarily an age thing, last time I was stood up for a silly reason, the woman was in her 40s.

[Acacia98]

She sounds very childish. You're well rid of her.