Lonely

[Zing24]

My friends all seem busy with their own lives. My husband would rather do anything else than spend time with me and on that front I just don't care anymore. I've always been really independent, but the loneliness is really starting to get to me. A hug or a kiss. Someone listening. Feeling safe emotionally. I just really miss all of that. 

[NuevoYorko]

How did you get to this point?

[Zing24]

Childhood trauma I suppose. Not fully trusting someone. Having a wall makes you lonely by nature.  I had one relationship I trusted completely and opened up to 100%. It didn't work out. I did a lot of work and introspection before my current marriage. To properly let someone in. He turned out to be a tool and a reminder of why the wall was necessary.  

[Zing24]

My cup just continually empties and I get so very little in return. 

[NuevoYorko]

So you chose a man who is emotionally unavailable to you because you have a wall up ... Not saying it's your fault that your h is a tool, it's not, but I think there is a reason why you selected him.

Are you planning to divorce?   I hope so, unless both of you agree to go to MC and equally work on your marriage together.  

[Zing24]

No, actually. He was very open when we got married. He either changed or revealed his ugly side as soon as I wasn't a convient partner. I was VERY careful and selective. 

[glows]

You say you have a wall up. Did you change as well or have you always been guarded? He may be exhausted trying to get through those walls. When you shared those vows it was likely with the assumption that you trust each other. Treating someone with distrust is contradictory and fosters no growth forwards. The marriage can’t grow. Your cup is empty but are you doing anything to fill his? What are you doing for each other?

Why do you call him a “tool”? That carries a great deal of contempt. Have both of you considered marriage counselling? Are you going for individual counselling? Is the marriage abusive in anyway - verbally or physically? You just called him something negative and derogatory. Does this go back and forth with name calling?

I went through your post history and it seems there’s a lot of distrust, cheating and lies. What is the reason for staying in a marriage like this especially if you were independent to start? What do you need him for?

Edited October 27, 2022 by glows

[Zing24]

I need nothing from him. My goal was never to NEED a partner but to want one. No I was not guarded. As previously stated I went through a lot of work prior to our relationship to make sure I was open to a relationship. I appreciate you are trying to help, but you are off base. I say tool because I have open honest conversations. He says the right things, but his actions are contradictory. I'm aware of why he is the way he is. He's autistic and self centered. That is just his personality and not my fault. It's not something I'm lacking or I was a bad wife who just pushed him away. I did not. He chose to disengage from our family and go do what he wanted. His things and lied. Treated us all like crap. Either by being rude or distant. He has since tried to be more involved with all of us however he's still hiding things. When the trust is broken you question everything. If someone lies about small things you wonder what big things they'll lie about. I'm not rude, I cook, clean, support his career, and work myself so I'm not a financial burden. I'm a legit good partner. That may sound conceited but then so be it. I don't think I'm unreasonable because I expect my partner to be a decent person. 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Zing24 said:

He's autistic. That is just his personality and not my fault.

No, but it’s also not going to change. Knowing that, you have some decisions to make. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Zing24 said:

I don't think I'm unreasonable because I expect my partner to be a decent person. 

You’ve established he’s not decent but haven’t answered my question. So why are you still with him? Have you seen a lawyer? 

[stillafool]

It seems you've been trying to make your marriage work for 3 years with no help from your husband.  He seems disengaged.  Is he involved with another woman?  His actions and lack of interest in you says he is.  Have you thought about divorce yet?

[Will am I]

Work on your friendships so you don't solely rely on your husband for emorional comfort, validation etc.

 And give some thought to the question whether this husband will be able to make you happy in the future. Is there still a point trying to improve things, or is it a lost cause?

[stillafool]

On 10/26/2022 at 10:22 AM, Zing24 said:

My friends all seem busy with their own lives. My husband would rather do anything else than spend time with me and on that front I just don't care anymore. I've always been really independent, but the loneliness is really starting to get to me. A hug or a kiss. Someone listening. Feeling safe emotionally. I just really miss all of that. 

But you do care or this thread and the others you've made about this issue wouldn't exist.  It's clear he doesn't care about you or this would have been worked out by now.  It's doubtful this he is going to change because he doesn't care how you feel.  It's time to talk to a divorce attorney.  I really think he's involved in an affair.  All of his actions point that way.

Edited November 2, 2022 by stillafool

[Zing24]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

Work on your friendships so you don't solely rely on your husband for emorional comfort, validation etc.

 And give some thought to the question whether this husband will be able to make you happy in the future. Is there still a point trying to improve things, or is it a lost cause?

Thankfully I have some truly amazing friends ❤️

[Zing24]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

But you do care or this thread and the others you've made about this issue wouldn't exist.  It's clear he doesn't care about you or this would have been worked out by now.  It's doubtful this he is going to change because he doesn't care how you feel.  It's time to talk to a divorce attorney.  I really think he's involved in an affair.  All of his actions point that way.

I don't think he's having an affair. I think he is just disengaged. He's autistic and that happens. It hard so he'd rather do something else. I'm not sure he doesn't care per say but he cares more about his needs/wants and they override mine. Even if it was something like a hard limit. I have considered divorce many times. I think I'm caught between what's being a selfish person and what is a product of autism for him. I'm having trouble deciphering if he's just a jerk or really sees things in a limited way. I've been married once before and tried so hard to make it work for 9 years.  Young and dumb lol this marriage we have 1 child together plus the previous 2. I don't want to put them through another divorce if I can avoid it. I don't want to be divorced again. I feel like a romantic failure.

[Zing24]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

Work on your friendships so you don't solely rely on your husband for emorional comfort, validation etc.

 And give some thought to the question whether this husband will be able to make you happy in the future. Is there still a point trying to improve things, or is it a lost cause?

That's the big question. Do I double down and try to move forward or walk away. It's a hard choice. 

[Zing24]

On 10/28/2022 at 8:50 AM, glows said:

You’ve established he’s not decent but haven’t answered my question. So why are you still with him? Have you seen a lawyer? 

My answer is complicated I guess. I'm still here because idk if a lot of it is due to him being autistic or just a jerk. It's clear he does not think like I do. I have not seen a lawyer. Even if we split I'd like to under better circumstances where I'm not upset at him. We have a daughter together so he will have to remain in my life. 

[glows]

I understand the empathy but he either is or he is not what you look for in a partner. He lies and is disengaged. Living with this much anger inside isn’t healthy for you as an individual or as a parent.

It’s very possible you will be waiting forever hoping on a more civil relationship. I get the sense you have some decisioning to do and that can take time but your life also matters. I’d also consider quality of life.

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, Zing24 said:

Thankfully I have some truly amazing friends ❤️

Voice your concerns. Ask them for their honest opinions. Maybe they will help you see new angles, maybe everything will be more clear.

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Zing24 said:

I have considered divorce many times. I think I'm caught between what's being a selfish person and what is a product of autism for him. I'm having trouble deciphering if he's just a jerk or really sees things in a limited way. 

When it comes to whether you should leave it stay, it doesn't actually matter why he's selfish. Even if it turns out it's 100% to do with his autism, the fact remains that you are dying a slow death on the inside. You will still be lonely and angry whatever the reasons for his behavior.

You say you don't want to leave because it'll make you a romantic failure. But let me ask you a question. Do you feel that, by staying, you are being a romantic success and that when your kids observe you, they are convinced that this is what a safe, loving relationship looks like?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Zing24 said:

My answer is complicated I guess. I'm still here because idk if a lot of it is due to him being autistic or just a jerk. It's clear he does not think like I do. I have not seen a lawyer. Even if we split I'd like to under better circumstances where I'm not upset at him. We have a daughter together so he will have to remain in my life. 

No, he will have to remain in her life.  Their relationship will always be there if they both love each other.  The courts will arrange child support and visitation until she turns 18.  Also by staying you are showing your daughter that it is fine to stay put in a marriage where you're unhappy and not getting your needs met.  Don't be like some women who feel that it's worth being miserable as long as you have a man in your life.