ctwatlanta Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 Hi. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. I'm not sure where to go or who to turn to so hoping the collective minds and wisdom here can help this old dad out... I'm a single +50 yr old dad that raised my daughter almost entirely alone. Mom ran off 17 years ago with a psychopath drug user she met in the gym. She has somewhat remained in daughter's life but only in the physical sense...never done anything for her or been involved in any way. Mom and psychopath had 3 boys together; however, he's now in Federal Penitentiary for drugs and beating mom to a pulp..."again". He's been in/out of jail for same offense 3 times in 17 yrs. Over the years the mom has been unable to maintain a stable job due to drinking and drugs. Fast forward and I helped my daughter get into a college 2 hours away to keep her away from mom's influence. Unfortunately, my daughter has very low self-esteem, is naïve and easily manipulated by mom. Mom makes her feel guilty for not being there for her and her half-brothers. Example - Mom guilt trips daughter and says she can't afford groceries for boys to eat so she "borrows" money from daughter who works part time at Chick Fil A earning $11 an hour. Over the last year or two I've noticed that when daughter comes home for visits from college that something was just off. Became more reclusive and virtually no social life. Yesterday, daughter called me crying and wanting to make a confession. She said she wants to come home to "help her mom" and she wants to quit school. Mind you, she's in 3rd yr of college focused on nursing. What I also learned is that 2 yrs ago mom and criminal stepdad introduced daughter to weed and got her high. Over the last 2 yrs mom and stepdad (before going to prison again) had continually provided daughter drugs and encouraged usage...even going so far as to get high with her at their house and provide her with LSD and cocaine. They all hid it from me. Daughter now has a problem that I was completely oblivious to. I thought I knew her so well... I never thought I'd be the parent that would allow something like this to happen right under my nose. I'm devastated because I know that her quitting college and moving home to "care for her mom" is the worst thing in the world for her. I've reached out to worthless mom multiple times, but she's avoiding me like the plague. Mom knows the cat is out of the bag and that daughter has confessed everything to me. I'm seriously considering calling DFCS and trying to get mom arrested and thrown in jail. This means the 3 boys will go to foster home though... Mom does currently have a job so I may go to her place of work and let them know...and she might get fired. I don't know if that will do more harm than good though because daughter may feel even more compelled to care for broke, unemployed addict mom and half-bro's. I can't do anything about the stepdad because he's currently serving time but he will get out some time next yr. I may go to his probation officer when he gets out and tell him what he had been doing. I wish they would keep him locked up forever. Daughter is legally an adult at 19 yrs of age so I can't force her to do anything. I'm losing my mind as I feel I'm losing my little girl and watching her destroy her life. So, what do I do??? Thank you for reading and helping me and my little girl.
NuevoYorko Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 Do you think your daughter has a drug problem?
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 6 minutes ago, ctwatlanta said: I helped my daughter get into a college 2 hours away to keep her away from mom's influence. She said she wants to come home to "help her mom" and she wants to quit school. Daughter is legally an adult at 19 yrs of age so I can't force her to do anything Sorry this is happening. Since she is over 18, the mother is not your problem, so stop focusing on the mother. Focus on being there for your daughter and helping her with whatever issues she is having. I would advise to to cease attacking the mother, since you had 50/50 custody for a long time and your daughter has a right to have a relationship with the mother, no matter what you think of her or her activities. Focus on your daughter, not her mother.
ShyViolet Posted October 27, 2022 Posted October 27, 2022 Getting the mom in legal trouble actually doesn't do much to solve the situation. Your daughter will just find another way to get mixed up in drugs and bad decisions, unless SHE develops better decision-making and responsibility. Get your daughter into therapy and some kind of drug counseling if she is actually doing drugs. Focus on that. Your daughter needs to learn to say no to these things. Simply going after the mom teaches your daughter absolutely nothing that will help her live a better life going forward. You get more bees with honey than lemons. Don't approach your daughter all angry, aggressive or with a controlling tone. Have a sincere heart-to-heart with her and try to instill wisdom and good advice in a loving way. That is more likely to get through. 2 1
mark clemson Posted October 28, 2022 Posted October 28, 2022 (edited) Unfortunately, highly dysfunctional people can have a real draw for some young people (and even older ones). Consider asking your daughter if she'll see a therapist, and explain to the therapist what's doing on with her. Your daughter may be trying to "win back" the love of her mom - someone who's not in a place where they can be an effective parent. Whatever she does will not be enough, because of her mom's problems, so there will always be a void to fill. And unfortunately she may work harder and harder to fill it. So, maybe she can be helped to see that she is attempting to "fill that void," that it isn't going to work, and that she shouldn't make incorrect decisions in an effort to do so. Consider explaining that she's making a mistake, because her mom and half-brothers are NOT her responsibility, and any "help" she gives is likely to be undone and turned to ruin/further problems by the criminal step-dad as soon as he steps back into their lives. You might also explain that she is self-sabotaging and would be able to help her mother more by finishing nursing school and getting a good job. Hopefully that buys her time to take a step back and realize the mistake she would be making here. Edited October 28, 2022 by mark clemson 2
glows Posted October 28, 2022 Posted October 28, 2022 I don’t think the loss or void of not having or living with a mother present (fully present) will ever go away. That’s something inside her she will carry and I agree she would benefit from therapy. It won’t take that pain or void away but it will help her to make better decisions. This is completely her battle to fight and nothing to do with you or your worth as a father. Keep being there for her and suggest she see a therapist and rehab to get off those drugs. Avoid calling anyone on her mother’s side (convicted partner included) any names as it throws fuel on the fire. You may not know you’re making it worse as by creating that animosity and anger towards her mother, you’re driving her away from you. She has to decide to move on if she wants a better life for herself. You can show her how to do that and focus on your relationship - plan vacations, do something special on her birthday, encourage her with school and finding mentors in healthcare, etc. Keep talking with her and making time for her. 1
spiderowl Posted November 3, 2022 Posted November 3, 2022 (edited) Oh gosh, I have every sympathy with you! I can imagine how frustrating it must be to see your daughter apparently falling under the spell of someone who is likely to lead her into harm. But, if you do anything to affect or impact on her mother's life, your daughter will become more protective of her mother and it would be very self-defeating on your part. Do you know if your daughter is hooked on any drugs? If she is, you have a big problem to deal with. You can only point her in the direction of drug counselling programmes or get her to a counsellor yourself. If she isn't into drugs, counselling/therapy would still be a good idea, if your daughter is willing. I would offer it as an option, if you can afford it, to help her to work through 'anything that is worrying her' in confidence, then leave her a while to think about it. No pressure means she will feel SHE is making the choice. As others have said, a heart-to-heart talk is a good idea. Please do not denigrate her mother or the criminal partner - tempting though it is and honest though it may be, your daughter will try to protect them. I would just give her the facts. Mom is addicted to drugs. She has not made good choices in life because of that and so is always trying to get help from others. Daughter has a great career ahead of her if she could just stick it out. Nursing is a fantastic career. Your daughter could get work anywhere in the world. I would also ask her to look into 'co-dependency'. It seems that, even if she sees her mother is struggling and needs support, she is not aware of what co-dependency is and how it can draw people in when the better option might be 'tough love'. Have you asked your daughter why she feels that she should give up her course now to look after her mother and step-siblings? What has changed that means it is necessary now? I am wondering if she has witnessed something or your ex has said something that you are unaware of that is panicking your daughter into giving up her course. She must be aware that her mother's partner will be out soon and, presumably, he can 'look after' her, so why does daughter need to help now at this crucial stage in her studies? Is your daughter having problems with her studies? She might not want to tell you if she is struggling with something. She might just need the confidence to pursue her course and overcome any difficulties. Most universities have student counselling services who will discuss anything with your daughter - could your daughter access this? I would not do anything to get her mother or partner into trouble. They will sink themselves in their own way. It seems to me your daughter needs counselling therapy to work out why she is thinking of making this change now and why she feels so responsible for her mother. Unless she gets this insight herself, you are going to be struggling to influence things. Just ask her what changed. Good luck! I can totally appreciate your worries and desire to protect your daughter. Edited November 3, 2022 by spiderowl
Noproblem Posted November 12, 2022 Posted November 12, 2022 (edited) I think the best solution would be to convince her that being a nurse will help her mom more financially then being a drop out with no job or anything. why did you stay in the same area, you should have moved / Another thing to do is to travel with your daughter around the world, stay away from mom and her bad influence to clear her mind. Another thing to do is offer this to your daughter: baby girl you don't have to quit school, I'll help mom and brothers with groceries. and start contributing a little ( you don't have to do that at all, but consider it a way to help your daughter and the kids) Honestly try to do all these three things.. Edited November 12, 2022 by Noproblem
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