I found out my parents cheated on each other and feel disgusted

[SarahJones97]

They're both 50. They got 3 kids; me (24 F) and my 19 year-old twin sisters. One sister is 7 months pregnant. They're going to be grandparents soon.  

Growing up I've always thought my parents had the nearly perfect marriage. Nothing was ever missing, they rarely argued and we were always closed and sat together at the dining table. We were one big, happy family. Well that's what I thought until I found dad's old private journal 3 months ago. I read it and was disgusted. This is what I found out:

My parents started dating when they 17 year-olds. Then when mom was 20, my dad caught her cheating with his best friend (literally in the act). It happened in his own house, on the couch. Dad fights/punches the friend and breaks up. Mom starts begging, crying, promising not to ever cheat again, how she loves him, etc. He takes her back months later, they go to couple therapy and worked it out. They get married at age 24 and I'm born 2 years later. Dad still had his doubts (didn't fully trusted her yet) and took a paternity test twice. Twice it was 99.99 positive. He put his distrust at rest but his ego was still hurt. He has a brief revenge affair for a couple weeks but then feels guilt, ends it and confesses. I was just a toddler when dad cheated back. Mom forgives him too, they go to marriage counseling and since he confessed, the R process is quicker. They apologized to each other, promised no more cheating and that's how things have been like since.

I didn't tell my parents nor anyone about this but I'm disgusted. How can they hurt (mom mainly, she started it) each other like that and still love each other? Then everything they ever taught me, love, morals, values now seems hypocritical. They never told me this. My image of them is shattered. I had them on a pedestal, not anymore.

Is it normal for me to be disgusted???

[SarahJones97]

My sisters and everyone else still has that intact, perfect image of them. I'm sick to my stomach after finding that out.

My man just recently proposed two weeks ago and neither of us ever cheated. I would never take back a cheater and I can't ever imagine hurting someone like that. How on earth can you love someone you cheated on? And how can you still continue a relationship or stay married to a cheater??? Yuck

Edited October 28, 2022 by SarahJones97

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

 Then everything they ever taught me, love, morals, values now seems hypocritical. 

It's unfortunate that you read his private journal. It may seem like a shock to you, but you were a tot when all this happened. Either way their troubles were not your concern. Once you get over the shock, you'll realize they came to terms with things decades ago and proceeded to raise all of you in a stable loving home. It's a poignant story of endurance, but one never intended for your eyes. People are human and parents are flawed. They're not hypocrites, they appropriately sorted things out without damaging their kids in the process.

[denwickdroylsden]

I've kept journals all my life.  When my daughter was in her early teens she found one of them (snooping in my office) and read it.  There was nothing incriminating in there because at that time I was on the straight and narrow.  Even so I became more careful.  Everything went electronic, and 20 years ago I destroyed all the hard copy journals.

Now they are digital.  I actually have two.  One is an innocent one that is only lightly secure and has nothing in it I would not share with others.  The other is deeply locked down / encrypted / secure and that's where all the dirt goes.  (In all honesty, there are events I would not dare to write down even in there.)

For me, the benefits of keeping these things outweigh the negatives.  It's my own private space and the the innocent one serves as a helpful reference source.  But there are negatives.  1) Certain tragic events in my life I do not care to "relive" by reading what I wrote about them at the time.  It's too vivid and immediate.  2) Even the "innocent" one is something I really don't want others rooting through; I would feel violated.  3) The "dirt" one of course relates things that would devastate others, so security is always a concern.

These days I am 100% honest with those around me, if not 100% open. I don't think it's dishonest to be selective about what I share with others. If my kid found a journal from 20 years ago and vilified me for things I did 20 years ago and have long since recovered from, that is, I guess, part of the price for doing the bad things I did.  Just have to accept it.  And while I would regret the impact on my kid, she'd just have to accept it, too.

[glows]

What they choose for themselves is their choice. They chose to work through it and reconcile. You can feel however you feel about it but don’t let it stop you from living your life. 

[SarahJones97]

Wiseman2

I suppose some time will be needed for this shock to go away. Honestly now I wish I had never read his journal but curiosity got the best of me. Hence the old saying that goes "curiosity killed the cat".

I've always thought intimacy and love was a sacred and special bond in a committed relationship. If there is another party involved (cheating) then there is nothing left anymore. At least to me. If someone has been with others while in a relationship then how can you ever reclaim that bond, that connection? It doesn't make sense.

denwickdroyIsden

I agree it's a smarter option to transfer it all electronically. I wish I had never read my dad's journal. I don't plan on telling anyone about it. After all this is their own secret. Dad never told anyone (not even his parents) what mom did and vice-versa too. We all got along with both sets of grandparents. Then again my dad's parents would've hated mom if he has told them. 

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

I'm sick to my stomach after finding that out.

Since clearly they reconciled and are happy together, you should take a step back and reflect that the real "problem" here is with you, not them.

Hopefully you can come to grips with their decision. If you find you cannot, long-term, consider seeing a therapist.

[spiritedaway2003]

No one is perfect. They were young then. And they made the decision to move forward.    You learn things as you live through life.   Not an excuse for cheating but once the shock wears off, maybe that will help you to see the situation. It’s their life and their marriage and their decision, it’s something they had to process and work through and it seems like they’ve made peace.  The problem isn’t with them anymore, though it may take you a little time to process it.  

If the world always in operate that matches our own ideals, then you wouldn’t have found the journal and you wouldn’t have read what is not meant for you to read, knowing at the onset that it’s a “private” journal.  See what I mean? 

[SarahJones97]

glows

I'll eventually get over this shock. It's just that all those times my parents went into storytelling mode, they only included the good parts. They omitted their cheating history. They omitted something significant. Cheating with your man's best friend is a big deal and so is a revenge affair. If my fiance had sex with my friend, there is no way I would ever take him back. Wow.

I just don't understanding the logic of cheating. Apparently my parents' bad choices made them better, faithful people. But still do you really have to hurt others and undergo endless R sessions to know cheating is devastating? I don't think so. You can be a good, loyal partner from the beginning.

[SarahJones97]

17 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

If the world always in operate that matches our own ideals, then you wouldn’t have found the journal and you wouldn’t have read what is not meant for you to read, knowing at the onset that it’s a “private” journal.  See what I mean? 

But there wouldn't be anymore infidelity. Cheating itself is a selfish choice, not really a mistake. People would value commitment and love from the start. People would know what really loving someone and putting their partner's feelings above their needs is. 

mark clemson

I think I'll get over it eventually, hopefully. I'm taking some time for this shock to subside. I guess this is what happens for thinking so highly of them and placing them on a pedestal. Ironically the one with strict curfews (when my sisters and I were minors and got invited to a friend's house or a party) was mom, lol. Even if dad said I could go to the party, mom had the final word. If it was no then it was no. Weird isn't it?

One thing for sure, I would never hurt my fiance like that. I still believe that if you love someone you don't cheat on them.

Edited October 28, 2022 by SarahJones97

[FMW]

You found out what we all eventually do - your parents are human.  I assume since you have a close family that your parents have been loving and forgiving of things you've done along the way.  Try to give them the same in return.  It's part of growing up and being a mature adult - realizing that we're all imperfect. 

Although I'm sure you can't imagine you would ever do anything you judge to be as bad as infidelity, there might come a time when you will be on the receiving end of someone else's judgment.  Life throws some unexpected things at you along the way and you might not always respond in the way you think or hope you would.  You can't expect grace from others if you can't or won't give it yourself.  

 

[ShyViolet]

You had a very unrealistic and child-like view of them..... thinking that they were "perfect" and "on a pedistal".  You are now learning that real life isn't like that, and no one is perfect.  Life is messy.  Stuff happens.  Your reaction to this feels a little immature. 

It sounds like this happened a very long time ago, years ago, and they actually worked through it, went to marriage counseling, and are in a better place now.  

Their personal issues that happened between them, that they chose not to share with you, are frankly none of your business and not something that you need to worry about.  Detach from this and focus on your own life.

Edited October 28, 2022 by ShyViolet

[S2B]

It’s their history and their choices to stay together.

you read something you weren’t supposed to read.

you will see when you are 50 - there is stuff that happens between two people that’s meant to stay between the two people. They worked on it and decided to stay together.

thinking any relationship doesn’t have its ups and downs is naive. 

leave them to their own private stuff - now that you know - that’s the reality of some marriages. It’s hard - you try to work through the hard parts.

now you know a bit more about “real life”.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

I've always thought intimacy and love was a sacred and special bond in a committed relationship. If there is another party involved (cheating) then there is nothing left anymore. At least to me.

It is a special bond between two people in a relationship. It’s ok for you to feel the way that you do about infidelity - but those are your own feeling about marriage and infidelity. 

That said, as you mature and experience life you will learn that people and relationships are complex. It’s common in childhood and young adulthood to see the world as black and white - that perspective is likely to change and grow as you move through your life.

I’m sorry this has happened, it certainly will change the way that you look at your parents and your family for the rest of your life. That said, you can chose to look at the negative or you can chose to look at the good things - the fact that they have loved each other and raised a beautiful family together. And whatever has happened between them in their marriage is between them. 

Edited October 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

4 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

glows

I'll eventually get over this shock. It's just that all those times my parents went into storytelling mode, they only included the good parts. They omitted their cheating history. They omitted something significant. Cheating with your man's best friend is a big deal and so is a revenge affair. If my fiance had sex with my friend, there is no way I would ever take him back. Wow.

I just don't understanding the logic of cheating. Apparently my parents' bad choices made them better, faithful people. But still do you really have to hurt others and undergo endless R sessions to know cheating is devastating? I don't think so. You can be a good, loyal partner from the beginning.

You don’t have to understand something to disagree with it. All you know is that it’s not for you, period. This still doesn’t mean that any relationship you’re in is failproof. 

There’s no reason for them to tell you anything they choose not to. It’s none of your concern as what goes on in their relationship is between them. It has nothing to do with you. Try focusing on them as parents instead of judging the relationship they have regarding each other.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

Wiseman2

I suppose some time will be needed for this shock to go away. Honestly now I wish I had never read his journal but curiosity got the best of me. Hence the old saying that goes "curiosity killed the cat".

That's ok. You can't unsee it now that Pandora's box was opened. Things will soften and sort out in time. When someone's image or construct of something (your parents/their marriage) is upturned, there is a period of cognitive dissonance to square away what this former image was with what your new view is. That your parents had some issues, are flawed humans who tried their best to hold it together so that you and your siblings would have a good life.

[heartwhole2]

I'm sure my kids (tween/teen) would be really upset to learn their dad had an affair when they were younger. I mean, I'm still upset when I think about it, and I'm a grown person. But also, life is about learning from your mistakes. I disagree that love is protection against cheating. Cheating doesn't happen because of a lack of love. It happens because of a lack of honesty with oneself, a lack of self-awareness. Any of us could find ourselves at a low point and connecting with an attractive stranger. Just like I've never tried heroin because I don't want to become a drug addict, I have protections against getting too close and tempted with a person I might want to cheat with. Heroin feels good. Cheating feels good. But they both destroy lives, so it's better to avoid ever being tempted to try them.

I'm sure I would be devastated to find out something like this about my parents too. But now that I'm in my 40s with my own water under the bridge, I would understand. Any relationship that lasts for decades is going to have its share of sorrows and struggles. If two people manage to overcome infidelity and find their way back to each other and they rebuild on a firmer foundation, that's a beautiful thing. Sometimes what you have with a person is worth trying to save, even when they've cut you to the bone. I'm sure your parents are so grateful for the beautiful daughters they got to have because they didn't give up on each other. My husband's affair was a make or break moment for us where we realized that we couldn't coast on mutual affection and good feelings forever and we had to put in work to be self-actualized, empathetic, resilient, etc. Sometimes I have to laugh in my head at how good we are at "adulting" now. Like all of our conversations are like, "I see your perspective too, let me gently share my perspective, ah now I see your perspective, let us come up with a good compromise, and by the way kudos to you for how well you are handling all this stress, no thank you for noticing," etc.

It's totally understandable that you have big feelings about this, and you might seek a counselor to help you process them. I'll just encourage you that maybe it's a good thing for you to see your parents as humans who are flawed but who still managed to love each other and create something beautiful over many decades. That's something to celebrate. And for your own relationship, understand that there will be hard times. Talk about how you two will handle times of stress, how you will handle difficult conversations. Understand that "you can't cheat on someone if you love them" is a trap. It won't serve you. It will make you internalize it if your partner cheats on you, and it will make you blame your partner if you're ever tempted to cheat on them. Well, if our marriage were better, I wouldn't want to do this, so it must be OK . . . Your mom cheated because she was young and immature and selfish. And let's be honest, most 20 year olds are young and immature and selfish. That's not to excuse her, but to give important context.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're 24. Trust me: by the time you're 50, this information will not seem all that shocking. Over time as we get older, if we mature, we start to see our parents as the wonderful and flawed people that they are. Your parents were not born to this world to be your parents. They were young people with sex drives and desire and hormones and and youthful escapades like everyone else.  Be care about asexualizing your parents. They did not start dating because they looked at each other and said, "you'll make a great mom!" and "you'll make a great dad!" They were full of hormones like everyone else, just as much as you are. 

Frankly, this early history of their relationship is not really your business. You telling your sex life to them? You want them to think about it and discuss it? If you do want to make this your business, then your job is to be mature about this. Being mature means you accept that mom and dad are flawed like everyone else. And there are far worse flaws than the actions you report here.  And to be mature, you accept that they were highly sexual in their young years just as young people are now. 

I'm worried that you are naive about marriage in the old days. 

You've probably heard of the term "shotgun marriage." It's a term from the old days when an unmarried woman got pregnant. As legend (and some reality) goes: the father of the women would pull out a shotgun and said to the impregnating man, "You're going to marry my daughter." 

A huge number of marriages in the 1940s and 1950s were shotgun marriages with the woman already pregnant. This is before the pill. People recount these stories to capture how different the world and expectations were back then. Well, there's an aspect of shotgun marriages (which often lasted) that people leave out of the story. The truth is some of these marriages, maybe a lot of these pregnancies and marriages, weren't between people who were seriously dating. A lot of these marriages were based on what we today would describe as "booty calls." People married sometimes based on casual encounters. And then felt too ashamed to talk about it. 

Your parents are no less loving to you, no less honorable, no less wonderful based on their behaviors in their early 20s. 

Edited October 28, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[SarahJones97]

14 hours ago, FMW said:

Although I'm sure you can't imagine you would ever do anything you judge to be as bad as infidelity, there might come a time when you will be on the receiving end of someone else's judgment.  Life throws some unexpected things at you along the way and you might not always respond in the way you think or hope you would.  You can't expect grace from others if you can't or won't give it yourself.  

I would like to think that I'll be prepared for whatever life throws me later on. I can't think of a time I've ever mistreated or betrayed someone in any way. 

ShyViolet

Yes it was a long time ago. It's been now 30 years since my mom cheated (they were bf and gf at the time) and 22 years ago since dad cheated back. Even though at the end of his journal (dated shortly after my sisters were born), he ended up describing my mom as his best ally and how she transformed into a beautiful soul, I can't help but sometimes think that getting cheated on must still sting a bit from time to time. Sure the pain goes away eventually but I'm assuming there must be triggers once in a while. Or maybe not. I don't know. I've never been in their position.

heartwhole2

I'm sorry to hear about your husband having an affair. You're right about the fact your children are going to hate it. It sets a bad example of how a healthy relationship with love, respect and trust is suppose to be like. I hope things get solved. I wish you luck.

In regards to my mom, I do agree with all that. I think I must be in the minority of 20 year-olds. I've never acted like that. I think the most I ever did once on my 21st b-day was drink more than usual and accidentally broke a glass of wine. That was enough for me to never get drunk again. I can't imagine making the same bad choice over and over until getting caught or getting the same results.

Lotsgoingon

I must be an exception to the rule of just dating to date and crazy hormones. As a kid I used to play with my dollhouse and imagine getting married one day, having a great marriage like my parents (before I found out about it) and being the best mother. I've been with my now fiance for 3 years and he's the only one I'll ever be with. I'm actually a virgin. I'm waiting till marriage. Do I get sexual desires? Yes but it's all about self control. I won't end up like my pregnant younger sister that's just living together with her bf. There are some young people that are serious about what they want from an early age. When we started dating, I was honest from the start about wanting marriage and kids. 

Everyone else

Thank you for the different angles and perspective regarding my parents relationship. Perhaps my lifestyle (waiting till marriage and always as a dedicated, serious family-oriented girl) is so different from their story and what other young people my age are doing.

Edited October 29, 2022 by SarahJones97

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

Yes it was a long time ago. It's been now 30 years since my mom cheated (they were bf and gf at the time) and 22 years ago since dad cheated back.

 

30 years and 22 years ago!!  I didn't even realize it was that long ago.  No one is the same person they were 22 or 30 years ago!  I'm sure they have moved on from this.  For all we know, they probably don't even think about it much anymore.  It's time for you to let this go.

[heartwhole2]

I can definitely relate Sarah. I was a very serious young woman too. I waited 3 years to have sex with my husband as well (though my views began to change in my early 20s and we didn't wait until marriage), and we were each other's only partners until my husband's affair. I have always been a very principled person and making moral choices has never been hard for me. What's been harder has been what you're grappling with here . . . accepting that other people don't think and make decisions the same way that I do and honoring their humanity anyway. People like you and me are at one one end of the spectrum; most people are somewhere in the middle. In your posts I see an undercurrent of really wanting to protect yourself from bad outcomes . . . from winding up pregnant at 20 like your sister, from being hurt like your father and then your mother were by infidelity. That's very natural, but the truth is that loving other humans leaves us vulnerable to hurt; it's the price of love. What you CAN trust is that you will get through whatever life throws your way.

To be clear, my husband's affair was 8 years ago. It's in the rear view mirror now. It's a deep cut that will always smart from time to time, but it spurred a lot of personal growth for both of us, and especially for my husband. He was always a good person with admirable qualities, but he'd never really taken the time to understand and work on his weaknesses. He's spent the last 7 years in counseling and has grown immensely. I think both of us just assumed that once you hit a certain age you're a fully formed adult who doesn't need to work to be self-aware, selfless, etc., but that's simply not the case. We're all works in progress and there is always more to learn at any age.

For example, I didn't realize how our contrasting communication styles created issues. I would always address my issues immediately, as soon as they bothered me. My husband would consider it a favor not to tell me (as though peace is simply not bringing up conflict) and would let his build up and fester. Then when I said, "Oh hey, this bothered me," he would unleash his long list of unspoken grievances. That giant dumping would overwhelm me and I'd be like, hey, this isn't fair, we were talking about one thing, my thing, that just happened, and you want to talk about how I didn't show interest in something you cared about six months ago?

Of course, in my mind, saying your piece immediately is the "right way" to address conflict. But I was failing to understand how my husband's childhood with a volatile parent made him view conflict as something to avoid at all costs. So if there's something to address, I honor him by waiting until a calm, appropriate moment to bring it up. On his end, he's worked on his impulse to avoid conflict and tries to bring things up in a more timely manner. So we're meeting more in the middle. This isn't a matter of right and wrong necessarily, just two different people with different styles and backgrounds. Moral certitude is no substitute for curiosity about what makes other humans tick. I think if you work on figuring out what is behind your fear of winding up like your sister or parents (Is your self-esteem based on your good deeds? Are you over-burdened by shame? Do you fear that you could be so hurt by someone you love that you'd never recover?) you will be able to view these things with more detachment and less judgment.

[glows]

As you say there’s some shock there. Your marriage may not work regardless of how serious you are or the best of intentions between your spouse and yourself. Was your sister’s baby unplanned? Would you take an interest in your niece/nephew regardless of your sister’s choices or circumstances? My point is that life does go on and it does not always go to plan. 

I don’t think it’s fair to say that your sister’s decisions or decisions of your parents weren’t serious either. We don’t know the context of your parents’ relationship at the time or whether their relationship was on the rocks. It’s clear that your mother wasn’t as committed but you don’t know the reasons why. Your father cheated out of revenge later and your mother forgave him. You only see the words in a journal written by one side of the story.

The key is being more focused on yourself and enjoying/being grateful for what you do have and all the big and little blessings whether it’s your partner, your family, the baby on the way and your sister’s decision to keep it. We can choose to be open to new plans or insist our way is always right. We won’t really learn anything in the process.

And for the record, I suspect I’d be deeply hurt just as you were when you found out about your parents history a long time ago. It wouldn’t prevent me from realizing all the blessings that did come out of them choosing to reconcile and forgive each other and the way life moved on.

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

It sets a bad example of how a healthy relationship with love, respect and trust is suppose to be like.

Sarah, is it possible that Heartwhole’s decision to reconcile and the commitment and devotion that they have demonstrated to each other in the time since the affair actually sets an excellent example of love, respect, and trust. I can think of no other thing that exemplifies this more than the decision to trust in your spouse, forgive and heal the marriage after such a betrayal - 

9 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

Perhaps my lifestyle (waiting till marriage and always as a dedicated, serious family-oriented girl) is so different from their story and what other young people my age are doing.

With respect, the decision to keep a baby as a single parent is a very serious decision, it takes a dedication and a strength that you have yet to experience or understand in your young life. Let’s not dismiss or diminish that kind of love or commitment.

What’s more, your parents decision to forgive and commit to the family that they built together is another very serious decision - one that I’m quite sure they did not take lightly. They chose you and they chose your family above their own hurt and anger. The easy decision would have been to leave - they chose to stay and work it out. If that a isn’t “serious family-oriented” decision, I don’t know what is. 

I have never been in the position that your parents or Heartwhole have found themselves, so I don’t know how I would respond. Like you, I tend to be a little black/while and right/and wrong with my thinking sometimes. Depending on the circumstance, I think I would be inclined to file for divorce first and forgive later. I don’t know that I would have the strength or the ability to forgive that your parents and Heartwhole have shown. I have much respect for those that do.

You are understandably hurt, and it will take time for you to come to terms with this information. Again, as you will mature you will come to understand that rigid beliefs don’t serve us well as people are complex and life takes unexpected and hard turns sometimes. I hope you are able to find a way to move past this  - it would be a really shame if your judgment and resentment cause you to miss out on the joy of having a little niece or nephew. I hope in time you will again be grateful for all that your parents have given you because most people are not so fortunate as to come from a loving home with two parents who love them in the way your parents have done. 

 

Edited October 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[SarahJones97]

4 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

For example, I didn't realize how our contrasting communication styles created issues. I would always address my issues immediately, as soon as they bothered me. My husband would consider it a favor not to tell me (as though peace is simply not bringing up conflict) and would let his build up and fester. Then when I said, "Oh hey, this bothered me," he would unleash his long list of unspoken grievances. That giant dumping would overwhelm me and I'd be like, hey, this isn't fair, we were talking about one thing, my thing, that just happened, and you want to talk about how I didn't show interest in something you cared about six months ago?

This part is similar in my relationship. When it comes to an issue, I want to talk about it and come to an agreement on that very same day but my fiance prefers processing things for days or a week at most. Then when he's ready to discuss the matter, he will informs me. It seems that generally more men like taking a time-out first and then talking about it, the complete opposite of what we do. I think that since you found out about your husband's affair and he didn't come forward, that probably slows down the R process. I'm not sure how R works but I assume if more someone confesses without any trickle truth like what my father did when he cheated back, the healing process must be faster vs getting caught in the act or finding out in other ways. Continue healing.

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, SarahJones97 said:

It seems that generally more men like taking a time-out first and then talking about it, the complete opposite of what we do.

I am a woman and I prefer to take a time out, gather myself, and then talk about the issue when I’m calmer. I have always been this way, even as a child - when I am emotional, I can’t talk. I was out last night with a friend who was talking about the same thing - her preference is to avoid talking about issues and her husband is always encouraging her to talk and work it out. 

18 minutes ago, SarahJones97 said:

I assume if more someone confesses without any trickle truth like what my father did when he cheated back, the healing process must be faster vs getting caught in the act or finding out in other ways.

I would agree. For me, it comes down to that old childhood lesson - my parents always told us that if we didn’t something we knew was wrong, they would rather hear it from us than learned about it another way. It tends to go better when one takes accountability for their actions, accepts responsibility, and works to make amends… That said, reconciliation is possible regardless of how the truth comes out. 

Edited October 29, 2022 by BaileyB