I found out my parents cheated on each other and feel disgusted

[SarahJones97]

4 hours ago, glows said:

As you say there’s some shock there. Your marriage may not work regardless of how serious you are or the best of intentions between your spouse and yourself. Was your sister’s baby unplanned? Would you take an interest in your niece/nephew regardless of your sister’s choices or circumstances? My point is that life does go on and it does not always go to plan. 

I don’t think it’s fair to say that your sister’s decisions or decisions of your parents weren’t serious either. We don’t know the context of your parents’ relationship at the time or whether their relationship was on the rocks. It’s clear that your mother wasn’t as committed but you don’t know the reasons why. Your father cheated out of revenge later and your mother forgave him. You only see the words in a journal written by one side of the story.

I would like to be optimistic that my marriage will work but yes nothing is 100% guarantee in life. I hope that whatever adversary I have to face in life, I'll be prepare for the outcome. My sister's baby was definitely unplanned and my parents weren't too happy about it at first. Then eventually we came to accept the situation and refer to the baby as a blessing in the family. It's a boy so I'm actually glad to meet my nephew. Her bf is in his early 20's and my sister had to quit college but she plans on getting back to school one day. Meanwhile our other sister (the other twin) is single, in college, goes to parties and doesn't want to get involved in any serious relationship yet. She has dated guys before but never makes any of them her bf. I find this interesting; we're siblings and yet our lives are so different. I'm engaged and waiting till marriage, one sister is having a baby with her bf and the other wants to have fun without committing to anyone. 

It's true that I've only read my dad's side of the story. It took me nearly a week to finish reading it all. Once I got a hold of it, I didn't stop till the end. I don't know the exact reason why my mother cheated nor is their relationship was on the rocks. He only explained that all her reasons were discussed with him and in the counselings sessions in details but he never stated on his journal what her reasons were, just that they were discussed. He had to also go to individual counseling himself to work on his trauma of what he saw that day in his house. He admitted that he initially had a hard time even kissing her. Then as time went by, he had less triggers and both worked on creating new memories. Later on at some point he thought that having a revenge affair would make him feel better, as a man again. It didn't. His revenge affair made him feel worse, as a hypocrite, as if he failed himself. He hated the man he had become; a cheater. He saw how my mother was putting all the hard work over the years, so dedicated, had changed for the better (was contrite over the years) that he ended up feeling guilt and confessed. After they worked out his cheating, he made a deal with her. The deal was that she wouldn't bring up his revenge affair and he would shut up about what she did; it was to be buried and dead and never mentioned to anyone, not even us. 

[SarahJones97]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I have never been in the position that your parents or Heartwhole have found themselves, so I don’t know how I would respond. Like you, I tend to be a little black/while and right/and wrong with my thinking sometimes. Depending on the circumstance, I think I would be inclined to file for divorce first and forgive later. I don’t know that I would have the strength or the ability to forgive that your parents and Heartwhole have shown. I have much respect for those that do.

You are understandably hurt, and it will take time for you to come to terms with this information. Again, as you will mature you will come to understand that rigid beliefs don’t serve us well as people are complex and life takes unexpected and hard turns sometimes. I hope you are able to find a way to move past this  

I hope I don't get cheated on. I try my best to be a great partner and our communication is overall good most of the times (except the few times he needed to take a time-out for a couple days) but yes nothing in life is 100% fail proof. I can only hope for the best outcome. 

I'll eventually (soon) come to terms with it. My sister is having a boy. I'm ready to greet and welcome my nephew. I love babies. Like mentioned before, we're 3 sisters and neither of us have the same life, not even close. I'm the engaged virgin waiting till marriage, one sister will be a mother soon and had to quit college and the other sister (other twin) doesn't care about commitment and dates without making any of those guys her bf. It's like fingers of the same hand but so complex and different. Yeah people are complex. 

[SarahJones97]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That said, reconciliation is possible regardless of how the truth comes out. 

Yeah. While the R process after mom cheated several years of hard work, it took a year when dad cheated. In the end, even if one took longer than the other, it resulted in the same outcome in the end: reconciliation. They're at a better place by now for the longest and happy together. Good point.

At this moment practically all their conversations have been on the new upcoming baby (my nephew) and my upcoming wedding held on March 20. Coincidentally I'll still be 24 when I get married, the same age my parents were when they got married. 

Edited October 29, 2022 by SarahJones97

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, SarahJones97 said:

Like mentioned before, we're 3 sisters and neither of us have the same life, not even close. I'm the engaged virgin waiting till marriage, one sister will be a mother soon and had to quit college and the other sister (other twin) doesn't care about commitment and dates without making any of those guys her bf. It's like fingers of the same hand but so complex and different.

That’s the amazing thing though - you are very different but bonded together in a way that can’t even begin to be described. I have a large group of close friends - we have moved to different countries, we have different jobs, some have children while others don’t - we’ve all made very different life choices. One of my friends is catholic and waited for marriage, I am living with my partner common law, another friend left her husband for another man. We still love and support each other. And when we get together, it’s like we were never apart. There are so many ways that people can live their lives - none of them especially right or wrong. And life changes you - I was single for a long time and thought I would never marry, am living in a beautiful home with the love of my life (we are not married). My tight knit family fell apart after the death of my mother and we have now found our way back together… I find it fascinating, the way people and life evolve over time in unpredictable and unexpected ways. 

Edited October 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[sedgwick]

First of all, you should never read anyone else's private journal. But since you did, I'll offer my perspective. I'm your parents' age.

My ex-husband is still my best friend. We broke up because of cheating. We were way too young to get married in the first place, only 24. The sex left our marriage pretty quickly, and ultimately, I cheated. I couldn't fathom being 25 years old and never having sex again.

So, we split up. But that cheating stuff from half a lifetime ago? Water under the bridge. We were young and didn't have much experience with relationships. We know a lot more now than we did then, and love each other more than ever. What we did decades ago just isn't important.

If they didn't tell you about it, that's because it's irrelevant now. Who you are at 24 and who you are at 50 are worlds apart. It's like talking about things that happened to somebody else instead of just talking about yourself, now, as you are.

Forgive them for what they did before you were born. They're not the same people anymore.

Edited October 29, 2022 by sedgwick

[basil67]

I'm in awe at your parents.  Yes, they made mistakes, but instead of throwing in the towel and walking away, they rebuilt the marriage.  The strength they showed in overcoming adversity and repairing the damage is worthy of respect.   I think this is what marriage vows are all about.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't think you even have to forgive them: I think you just need to accept them as flesh-and-blood, imperfect human beings.

The flip side of this imperfection (their humanity) is that the good things they've done are the result of real effort and will and determination.

OP, you might feel you have a clean slate in your own values when it comes to sex, but you are young.  But don't confuse sex with overal virtue. Sex is one realm of life, one real where we we show our values. There are many many many more. Some of the greatest humanitarians in history were people who had affairs and sometimes even neglected their children. 

You want to keep sex in its right-sized place. I know plenty of people who have had messy sex lives who helped others more, showed more overall goodness in the world and were more caring and loving than the people who had so-called clean sex lives. And I know people who at some point had affairs and yet they came to treat their spouses far better than some other people who didn't have affairs. There are batterers and beaters who inflicted devastating violence and cruelty on their spouses and children. Some cheated. Some didn't. 

There are many ways to be cruel to a partner in relationships and marriage. Sex cheating (especially early on my God)  is only one of these ways and not by any means the worst. You have take measure of the whole of things. 

 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

The deal was that she wouldn't bring up his revenge affair and he would shut up about what she did; it was to be buried and dead and never mentioned to anyone, not even us. 

Kindly, it's perfectly normal that they didn't disclose this to you or your siblings.  It's absolutely none of your business.

[Mrin]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm in awe at your parents.  Yes, they made mistakes, but instead of throwing in the towel and walking away, they rebuilt the marriage.  The strength they showed in overcoming adversity and repairing the damage is worthy of respect.   I think this is what marriage vows are all about.

Right??? 

OP: you are young and view this from the polarized perspective of youth. I just want you to try this on - but you will probably face all sorts of significant relationship challenges in your marriage. It might not be infidelity - but all marriages face challenges. Even if your marriage works out you will see many others in your friends group fail. Some will fail spectacularly. Some will just fall apart.

My guess is that in 10 to 15 years you will view your parents and in a completely different light. Gone will be the disgust and instead you will feel admiration and awe at what they were able to overcome and heal from. In fact I think you will probably draw strength from their experience - "if my parents were able to overcome THAT, we should be able to overcome whatever we are going through." I know it doesn't feel this way but stumbling upon his journal and having insight into this most personal area of their lives, is really a blessing. It's kind of weird to say this but now that you have the full picture, their role modeling is actually much more powerful than whatever facade you took as real before. 

Just store these words away and reflect back on them in the years to come. 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

Edited October 30, 2022 by Mrin

[SarahJones97]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I don't think you even have to forgive them: I think you just need to accept them as flesh-and-blood, imperfect human beings.

The flip side of this imperfection (their humanity) is that the good things they've done are the result of real effort and will and determination.

There are many ways to be cruel to a partner in relationships and marriage. Sex cheating (especially early on my God)  is only one of these ways and not by any means the worst. You have take measure of the whole of things. 

I've always thought the two relationship deal-breakers/killers were generally abuse and/or infidelity. They both cause (in different ways) trust issues, insecurity and trauma. There are others things that can cause problems too such as having a partner with jealousy issues, if have problems with your partner's parents hating you, if they steal money from you, etc but they're not as debilitating as those two. Abusers deserve jail time and a restraining order filed against them for sure.

I've been thinking of what all of you said. I guess if they're doing great, ok. Whatever suits them. If it took undergoing infidelity and its hardships, trust issues and drama from an early start to get to a place of happiness, trust regained (a miracle I would say) and no issues by now then yes I'm impressed. This year, they went on a 5 day vacation to revisit their honeymoon spot to celebrate their anniversary. Very few people would overcome such a major adversary like that. I wouldn't be able to. Perhaps I can overcome other things except infidelity, much less abuse.

[SarahJones97]

3 hours ago, Mrin said:

you will probably face all sorts of significant relationship challenges in your marriage. It might not be infidelity - but all marriages face challenges. Even if your marriage works out you will see many others in your friends group fail. Some will fail spectacularly. Some will just fall apart.

My guess is that in 10 to 15 years you will view your parents and in a completely different light. Gone will be the disgust and instead you will feel admiration and awe at what they were able to overcome and heal from. In fact I think you will probably draw strength from their experience - "if my parents were able to overcome THAT, we should be able to overcome whatever we are going through."

I'll keep that in mind. For the meantime, I think I'm handling well to not tell them what I know. I'll let them keep their secret. Thanksgiving Day is approaching. Next month is right around the corner, wow. We never miss that. It's always a large meal, we all helped each other in the kitchen and say everything we're thankful for. 

[Mrin]

16 minutes ago, SarahJones97 said:

Very few people would overcome such a major adversary like that. I wouldn't be able to. Perhaps I can overcome other things except infidelity, much less abuse.

Not to sound like an old fart here but: you are way stronger than you think you are. You are also much more fragile than you realize. Relationships are messy. Sticky. Organic. They smell. And despite that, they are the best things going by far.

I'm a very secure man. I go through life with a ton of confidence (probably too much). For all of that, every serious relationship I've been in has pushed me, in one way or another, well outside of my comfort zone. Where I didn't know up from down. Right from wrong. I have grown because of those moments. And become an infinitely better man because of them.

I suspect you will call upon the wisdom of your parents in the future and will only be able to because of your secret knowledge.

Best of luck to you. Hug your parents a little tighter at Thanksgiving. They deserve it.

 

 

Mrin 

Edited October 30, 2022 by Mrin

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, SarahJones97 said:

. I'll let them keep their secret. 

Yes. It's not worth telling them you read the journal. It's not a "secret" it's their private business  from long ago that is usually never discussed with kids anyway.

A marriage is private and existed before you. So you're right. Let them be them and you can figure out your own relationship and marriage for yourselves when you get there.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

I'll keep that in mind. For the meantime, I think I'm handling well to not tell them what I know. I'll let them keep their secret. 

You must keep this to yourself to protect your own dignity.   You have no right to sit in judgement of another when your knowledge of them came from your own underhand act. 

[glows]

17 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

I would like to be optimistic that my marriage will work but yes nothing is 100% guarantee in life. I hope that whatever adversary I have to face in life, I'll be prepare for the outcome. My sister's baby was definitely unplanned and my parents weren't too happy about it at first. Then eventually we came to accept the situation and refer to the baby as a blessing in the family. It's a boy so I'm actually glad to meet my nephew. Her bf is in his early 20's and my sister had to quit college but she plans on getting back to school one day. Meanwhile our other sister (the other twin) is single, in college, goes to parties and doesn't want to get involved in any serious relationship yet. She has dated guys before but never makes any of them her bf. I find this interesting; we're siblings and yet our lives are so different. I'm engaged and waiting till marriage, one sister is having a baby with her bf and the other wants to have fun without committing to anyone. 

It's true that I've only read my dad's side of the story. It took me nearly a week to finish reading it all. Once I got a hold of it, I didn't stop till the end. I don't know the exact reason why my mother cheated nor is their relationship was on the rocks. He only explained that all her reasons were discussed with him and in the counselings sessions in details but he never stated on his journal what her reasons were, just that they were discussed. He had to also go to individual counseling himself to work on his trauma of what he saw that day in his house. He admitted that he initially had a hard time even kissing her. Then as time went by, he had less triggers and both worked on creating new memories. Later on at some point he thought that having a revenge affair would make him feel better, as a man again. It didn't. His revenge affair made him feel worse, as a hypocrite, as if he failed himself. He hated the man he had become; a cheater. He saw how my mother was putting all the hard work over the years, so dedicated, had changed for the better (was contrite over the years) that he ended up feeling guilt and confessed. After they worked out his cheating, he made a deal with her. The deal was that she wouldn't bring up his revenge affair and he would shut up about what she did; it was to be buried and dead and never mentioned to anyone, not even us. 

This is what some cheating couples believe to be the antidote: an eye for an eye. You know better whether from yourself or their experience that it doesn’t always work.

It’s very rare that instances like this result in a successful relationship so don’t let the lesson here be “two wrongs make a right”. I don’t believe that’s what marriage is about. You certainly don’t have to accept a cheating spouse in order to live a life well. I’d have trouble respecting their choices but I’d also look to reconcile their roles as parents and their dedicated involvement in your lives(their kids). 

It’s been a few days. How are you feeling now?

 

Edited October 30, 2022 by glows

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, SarahJones97 said:

I've always thought the two relationship deal-breakers/killers were generally abuse and/or infidelity.

It’s not wrong to think these are absolute deal breakers - in many cases, they are/should be for many people. Your parents would not have been ‘wrong’ to end their relationship when your mother was first discovered. That is also why the fact that they stayed together and healed that pain is so remarkable - the strength and commitment that they have demonstrated is rather inspiring. 

It’a ok to be confused by this, you are starting your life and you still view the world with the idealism of youth. You will come to learn that people and the world are much more complex than you now know. What’s important is that you keep an open mind, don’t put your own judgment on your parents - they have their own lives, their marriage is between them, it does not include you. If anything, you should be very grateful for them because you have benefited from the fact that they found the strength and had the will not only to stay together, but to heal from this and raise a healthy, happy family. 

Edited October 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[SarahJones97]

15 hours ago, glows said:

This is what some cheating couples believe to be the antidote: an eye for an eye. You know better whether from yourself or their experience that it doesn’t always work.

It’s very rare that instances like this result in a successful relationship so don’t let the lesson here be “two wrongs make a right”. I don’t believe that’s what marriage is about. You certainly don’t have to accept a cheating spouse in order to live a life well. I’d have trouble respecting their choices but I’d also look to reconcile their roles as parents and their dedicated involvement in your lives(their kids). 

It’s been a few days. How are you feeling now?

The weird part is most of the times, the one doing a revenge affair ends up feeling like my father; that it accomplished absolutely nothing and you feel worse than before. I'm impressed that he actually chose to confess. If he wanted to, he could've been satisfied with his revenge, stop cheating but never tell and let my mom think she's the only one that cheated. Instead he got overwhelmed with guilt and chose to be fair. My mom got hurt too but she was more lenient with him, even blamed herself too. Dad still took reponsibility for his own action. 

I've just gotten back from a large family reunion. It was my paternal uncle's b-day and I'm very full right now. I'm doing better I guess. I'm slowly processing the information and will just be focusing on my own engagement. I guess just like my parents, everyone else's relationship must be unique in other ways. Maybe not all relationships and/or marriages have infidelity history but they're all different alright. 

[SarahJones97]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If anything, you should be very grateful for them because you have benefited from the fact that they found the strength and had the will not only to stay together, but to heal from this and raise a healthy, happy family. 

I'll look it that way instead. I have a couple friends who actually wished they had my happy family instead of their broken houses. I feel bad for them. 

On 10/29/2022 at 4:28 PM, sedgwick said:

So, we split up. But that cheating stuff from half a lifetime ago? Water under the bridge. We were young and didn't have much experience with relationships. We know a lot more now than we did then, and love each other more than ever. What we did decades ago just isn't important.

Interesting story. In the journal, dad explained about still loving mom even after he walked in on them. Then mom still loved him even after he hurt her back with the revenge affair. The end of his journal had a happy finishing. Just like what your last sentence said, they had a better understanding of each other, their love grew more and he felt their relationship got stronger than ever. 

Edited October 31, 2022 by SarahJones97

[glows]

Glad you’re doing a bit better and enjoyed the family time. I agree it’s better to focus on your engagement. 

Edited October 31, 2022 by glows

[mark clemson]

On 10/30/2022 at 9:38 PM, SarahJones97 said:

The weird part is most of the times, the one doing a revenge affair ends up feeling like my father; that it accomplished absolutely nothing and you feel worse than before.

Hmmm. I guess I wonder why you, who are young and apparently "morally set" against cheating and would never do it, think that you would know or understand what the majority of people having a revenge affair think.

I think a revenge affair is one of the few cases where having an affair actually IS a form of abuse, since it's done with the intent of hurting the spouse.

I suspect there will indeed be people who still love their partner and regret doing it, as seems to have happened with your father. (And even if they don't, they shouldn't be doing it, as it's deliberate abuse.)

However, there will no doubt be many folks who figure "they evened the score" or "my Ex had it coming," "an eye for an eye" or  similar and feel perfectly justified, "satisfied," or at least "neutral" about it. People sometimes "flip" after a breakup and some can become quite vindictive. Some who were actually good partners might turn against their former love and feel justified in doing things to hurt the other person (cheating involved in intitially triggering the breakup or no).

People are complicated, and there's a lot of variance. For better or worse, we are simply not as nice as many of us raised in good environments were taught and sheltered from as a child.

All that said, I think it's positive that you're processing what happened a bit more realistically and forgivingly. Imperfect as they may be, without your parents you wouldn't be here.

Edited November 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[Buckeye2]

It sounds as if your dad did your mom a huge favor by having a revenge affair and confessing.   I bet his affair wasn't that much fun for your dad even while it was going on.

[SarahJones97]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I suspect there will indeed be people who still love their partner and regret doing it, as seems to have happened with your father. (And even if they don't, they shouldn't be doing it, as it's deliberate abuse.)

However, there will no doubt be many folks who figure "they evened the score" or "my Ex had it coming," "an eye for an eye" or  similar and feel perfectly justified, "satisfied," or at least "neutral" about it. 

Yes he regretted it. He used the other woman (who was unaware) for revenge and sex, felt no feelings for her. Hence that's why he said in his journal he hated the man he became, a cheater, a liar, someone who no longer had the high ground, whom destroyed himself in the process. This might sound like an educated guess, but since their R process was much shorter in his case, I think it's possible he opted to end his affair and confess rather than continue with it until caught because he probably didn't want prolonged counseling sessions.  

People are complex alright. Millions of people on earth and we're all a total different world with varying ideas, though processes, reactions, etc. 

 

I must say you perfectly nailed it right there. I would've never been born if dad had remained broken up with mom (when they were bf and gf), never taken her back and never married her 4 years after her cheating. Then I would've never had 2 lovely sisters. The irony in life isn't it? Someone's decision creates life changing events. Dad's decision is indeed responsible for my own life, my own existence.

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Imperfect as they may be, without your parents you wouldn't be here.

Edited November 3, 2022 by SarahJones97

[SarahJones97]

5 hours ago, Buckeye2 said:

It sounds as if your dad did your mom a huge favor by having a revenge affair and confessing.   I bet his affair wasn't that much fun for your dad even while it was going on.

Yeah. Mom was hurt too but more lenient with him during that much shorter R process. Dad definitely didn't like it afterwards. He used the other woman for both revenge and sex. 

I don't remember anything from the 1st and 2nd year of my early life (the time they were still working on their issues) and by the time I was old enough to form memories, I only saw a stable, loving parents and close family; the ''perfect family'' version. That's all I ever knew. My sisters were already born with that good version. It's like rebuilding things from total ruins and debris of what was once a coliseum and transforming it into firm, larger, stronger skyscrapers. 

Edited November 3, 2022 by SarahJones97

[samsungxoxo]

On 10/28/2022 at 12:38 AM, SarahJones97 said:

 Then when mom was 20, my dad caught her cheating with his best friend (literally in the act). It happened in his own house, on the couch. Dad fights/punches the friend and breaks up.

This has got to be the worst way of discovering you got cheated on. The poor guy probably has permanent flashback and triggers about it even now. I can't imagine how anyone can recover from that enough to trust the partner again. At least the father confessed to his cheating and didn't put his wife through too much suffering.

I suppose if your parents were able to overcome such a difficult adversity and raised all 3 of you girls with love and stability, then they did a good job. The other option would've been them getting divorced, a broken home or your mother raising you as a single mom. Sounds like they put their feelings and hurt behind (esp the father) and put their children first. 

Edited November 3, 2022 by samsungxoxo

[Alpacalia]

There's so much detail here. If I were to read my parent's diary which I wouldn't even want to, I cannot imagine wanting to go over the details so much. While I am grateful that my parents did not cheat on each other, I can't imagine this is pleasant for you.

I hope that you can try to look forward to your future with your future husband and focus on the positives that you both share. 

Edited November 4, 2022 by Alpacalia