Would you believe or would you not?

[Welldone1]

 My Story is , Your newly married for less than 6 months. You wife that had been your steady girlfriend  had been out on a date with your best friend before you married her/and the best friend  ended up being the best man at your wedding day when you were married to your steady girlfriend. Your wife and the best friend never knew or told of the date/dates they were on before you were married to her. By those past actions you knew your your wife liked your best friend unbeknown to her you knew. Your away shortly after the few months of marriage and after returning you learn thru rumors of a friends you knew your wife had been seen out with your best friend. So in a non con-frontal way you ask your wife if she was out with your best friend while you was away for some time? She denied it says never happened at all. So when out with your best friend some time later you decide to ask the best friend who also says no it never happened nor would he even think about it.So you dismiss it as rumors and forget about it. 

As more time passes a family member you like very much tells you one night that your wife had been with your best friend while you was away and she seen them several times having drinks and he had picked her up sometimes in the car and they were out late hours before him dropping her back off!  So when asking the wife again some time later at the right time non-confrontal way,  was she sure had not went out with my best friend and she then says yes but it was only one time and we only had a drink that was it nothing else ever took place. I began to get really suspicious. So I went back to the family member one night picked her up ( Her Sister) and we talked some more  to find out they had dated before we was married when her and I was steady Boy friend and Girl friend as well. She asked me never to give her up as the one who told me as it would cause great pains with her Sister I promised I would not mention her. Some time passed her Sister passed away, I asked her again one time how many times did you go out with my best friend? She then said she never knew how many times it was! I asked why She lied about it? She said i would get mad if she told me!! I said mad about what I already knew? You already told me some time back it was just one time you went out with him, I never got mad then. SO why now? What did you guys do so many times out with each other? I know you was out for many hours at at a time. All she would do is sob.

 

She yells at me while sobbing she never had sex!!! It was not what I thought!! So she still denies having any sex to this day or as to why she went out or why she lied about it. She denied she is attracted ti him in any way or has any feelings for him in any way. What is your opinion? Did she care for this guy? Is She still seeing him? Did she see him for years? Did she date him when she did me? Is there more than him in her life? I gave her no reasons to never went with any one else ever. I have made no threats to her what so ever about any thing to deny or fear the truth,

[glows]

Do some soul searching and whether this marriage is for you. You’ve gone to great lengths to contact a family member, her sister, and she’s gone. This is years in the making - of suspicion and unending dread, distrust and dysfunction. 

How many more years do you want to keep spending like this?

Edited October 28, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Welldone1 said:

So she still denies having any sex to this day or as to why she went out or why she lied about it. 

How long have you been married? How long ago did all this happen? Are you otherwise happily married?

[petee]

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but unusually not here, mate. She's not been honest and is showing low values, in fact I think you are being used nicely. Do you earn significantly more? If not I can't fathom it out with these scant details, but it is time to give her the ultimatum...'I know more but I want you to tell me, right here right now, one last chance.'

It's a bad time of the year to break up for you, as you will probably have a rubbish Xmas. For her not so, as you know, if you are honest, exactly where she will spend it.

[salparadise]

Agree with @petee. She has been extremely deceptive all along, and then when you're onto it she trickle truths. Do you really believe that she's been dating this friend of yours all of this time without ever having sex? My bet is that it's all about the sex. 

From a purely practical perspective you already know enough to make a decision. You know that she's been two-timing you for a very long time, and that you can't believe a word that she says. That's all you really need, however, we all know that there is a strong desire to know the full and complete story. If you must know I think you should schedule a polygraph (and be serious about it) and you will either get a parking lot confession or the test will indicate if she's lying. That is a pretty extreme measure, but it sounds like you really need to know and I don['t think she's ever going to admit to anything you can't prove.

I'm sorry, man. I know this is hard. There was a time when I'd have needed to know, but with age and experience I think I'd just cut her loose based on the fact that she lies and you can't believe a word she says (and just assume she's been having sex with him).

[Welldone1]

I appreciate the responses from all totally different people who I do not know that have no gains or interest in my story what so ever. I always wanted to believe her to be honest ,but I always thought she most likely lied to me the first time even though I let the first rumor go and done nothing. Then after I found more rumors  from friends with one from her Sister and one from my own family member that she had been out with my best friend while I was away with her Sister saying she went out at least once for sure when the guy picked her up she knew of and maybe a few more times even after that it was what it was. My wife must be the best lair ever. She was so convincing and had answers for each one I pinned her very softly with. After the first denials and keeping it secret (Which I knew keeping it secret was so telling) and I pinned her down with why secret of innocent and just a friend and one time with no sex? The answer was I would be mad...lol.

The next pin down later on was you told me it was more than just one time you went out with him later on I never got mad. Then it was she never really had any friends only my friends. So when I agreed she had my friends and had been with a couple of them I knew about and I was not present no one hid or kept them a secret? All I got in response was Its not what you think I never has sex with him or Screwed him while crying uncontrollably! Then hit me with a gilt trip and asked my why do you like to make me cry and hurt me? Then I say I was not the one out behind your back and lied to you and if you never had sex like you say why did you go out with him and why did you lie about it ,hide it, deny it? I explained in calm I'm not mad I just want to know why? I get no answer just the same response I never had sex with him!

I think she has and did for quit some time and later found out she went with him just before we was married and told her I knew it and asked what they did and why she went with him then and no big deal we was not married then? She said it was only to get him to take her out to see where I was and what I was doing and again she never had any sex with him!  I never knew what to say.......lost for words.

[Welldone1]

On 10/28/2022 at 5:34 PM, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been married? How long ago did all this happen? Are you otherwise happily married?

Not to be obstinate or indifferent,but what difference does time play in it? What I seek is the opinions of did she have sex? How long did it go on if she did?Could they still be? Is that the reason for the secrecy still? Of course the big one is why? What is she hiding if she did?

Edited November 2, 2022 by Welldone1

[Welldone1]

On 10/29/2022 at 8:44 AM, petee said:

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but unusually not here, mate. She's not been honest and is showing low values, in fact I think you are being used nicely. Do you earn significantly more? If not I can't fathom it out with these scant details, but it is time to give her the ultimatum...'I know more but I want you to tell me, right here right now, one last chance.'

It's a bad time of the year to break up for you, as you will probably have a rubbish Xmas. For her not so, as you know, if you are honest, exactly where she will spend it.

Oh she stays close in,never gone for the Holidays ever! Cannot really get any more details from her! She claims the nothing happened only what I caught her at that I revealed but had an answer or lie for each one. There another episode or two but not the same person as my story is posted currently....lol.

[Welldone1]

On 10/29/2022 at 11:38 AM, salparadise said:

Agree with @petee. She has been extremely deceptive all along, and then when you're onto it she trickle truths. Do you really believe that she's been dating this friend of yours all of this time without ever having sex? My bet is that it's all about the sex. 

From a purely practical perspective you already know enough to make a decision. You know that she's been two-timing you for a very long time, and that you can't believe a word that she says. That's all you really need, however, we all know that there is a strong desire to know the full and complete story. If you must know I think you should schedule a polygraph (and be serious about it) and you will either get a parking lot confession or the test will indicate if she's lying. That is a pretty extreme measure, but it sounds like you really need to know and I don['t think she's ever going to admit to anything you can't prove.

I'm sorry, man. I know this is hard. There was a time when I'd have needed to know, but with age and experience I think I'd just cut her loose based on the fact that she lies and you can't believe a word she says (and just assume she's been having sex with him).

Well I have your opinion and I have to say I agree with most of it. I most certainly have never thought of suggesting to her of lets take a polygraph since your so sure of your honesty and I would just like to verify it! Very good idea! I really like that idea very much so.

[glows]

It’s more eye-opening to reread all the things both of you are doing to each other instead of putting yourselves through a lie detector test. There’s a lot of broken trust and finger pointing that no amount of testing can ever overcome. 

Wiseman’s questions were important and a timeline is helpful as it gives the reader some perspective about just how long these deep rooted suspicions have been going on and how long that trust is completely obliterated and undermined - months? Decades? What is left of your marriage?

I suspect she may be drawn to him and it’s self-perpetuating because your marriage itself is so toxic and hair-raising/stressful. This keeps repeating itself until one of you decides to file for divorce.

Edited November 2, 2022 by glows

[GoldenR]

Adults sneak around to have sex. 

They don't sneak around to hang out or eat or watch a movie. 

They sneak around to have sex. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Welldone1 said:

, what difference does time play in it? What I seek is the opinions of did she have sex? 

It makes all the difference. Peoples recollection of events fade over time. Even courts recognize this and why there's a statute of limitations on things.

Also if you have been together for decades for example since then, why is this still concerning you? If it happened a few weeks or months ago then that's a different situation entirely.

[Welldone1]

So again time makes it better or worse? Statues of Limitations are for legal proceedings for monetary recoveries measured by depths of importance for punitive damages unless its murder. Most likely the reason murder has no limitations. I can relate to time importance it would not matter if she did it 10 days ago or 10 years ago or 10 years ago or 50 year ago it would still be as clear in my mind as it was the most important event I remember. I can say being younger helps to put it to the side a little easier if its not ever in your face or mentioned any longer by people you know coming up to you.

Time may very well allow her memory to fade but I would think she knows rather she had sex with him on a one time or multiple time basis or a one time outing with no sex that turned in to multiple times out with no sexual contact what so ever or rather she cared for him or attracted to him the times she went with him would have no bearing on. (I can you she was 18 year old and had high sex drive and would turn the heads and was just 17 at the time it started and the date time before we was married he was 16 she was 17 ) maybe a few years later when I brought up what all did they do,she may have had some memory fade yes but that would not be the big deal so to speak.Time can go clear to death and even in divorce I would still wonder did she do it, Why did she do it? Did she have feelings for this guy I never seen? And last but not least the big one too what was she hiding?  When you love some one very much you would like very much not to see the end if one can endure the pain.

As Golden said above adults and pre-adults at that age and a few years after those ages do not sneak out in secrecy for no one to know about it unless it would be for sex is a good point I don't think many could argue with! They were hiding something I think more than just the sex,why would she still deny it after what I produced in proof and told I was not mad just wanted to know why she did it and how long?

Another oddity is this guy was single when he went out with my wife before we were married and neither of them told me.....He then got married about three years after we did  I was best man at his wedding.....He divorced seven years later.....He was single again for two years or maybe closer to three and married again....my kids were teenagers when he was single the 2nd time and my wife never left me nor did any rumors of her being out with him at those days ever come up but I was always working very hard long hours and many times over night my work required many meetings....  He married again moved out of state very little contact but did stop by our house from time to time and would mostly talk to my wife and I CUT HIS ASS OFF!

Edited November 2, 2022 by Welldone1

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, would your wife believe such stories that she expects you to believe. She has continued to disrespect you and your marriage time and again. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Welldone1]

1 hour ago, Bryanp said:

If the roles were reversed, would your wife believe such stories that she expects you to believe. She has continued to disrespect you and your marriage time and again. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

What a great question. I did in fact ask her that question when she made me feel like a very bad person because I made her cry by asking her like the third time why she went out on me. The answer i got from her rather shocked me! She said no she would not have believed me had it been me out on her.  I had never went out on her on a date of any kind ever. To this day I have still not. To expand a little more on the subject she had never asked me ever if I had went out on her or been with any one else! It is like she knew i had not with out ever asking me. My best friend one night after my wife I was married had two nice looking single Chics back stage with his band one night between sets they both wanted to stay at the hotel with us that night after the band stopped playing and party more that my best friend has set up. ( My wife was working could not go that Saturday night) I turned it down went home instead of going to motel after the band finished playing that night. He told me later the next week I missed a really good night of parting at the motel! 

[Bryanp]

Your wife does not deserve you.

 

[Welldone1]

2 hours ago, Bryanp said:

Your wife does not deserve you.

 

Thank you. Not sure I ever had any one to ever say such a respectful thing to me as such. I have only brought this story up in several places being mostly on the QT about it for quite some time with some responses wanting to make me feel as if its my fault for not not going in to a rage or revenge mode. Not really searching for fault but would be very interested to know if I thought it was my fault or what I may have done to produce it.

 On the other hand oddly enough, I have been very lucky to have her for a wife in many respects as well. She has never treated me bad at all, I always come first in many or near all her thoughts putting herself second  out side the infidelity issues. I have had so many compliments and envies of other guys over the years telling me they wish they had a wife like mine!  When you really deeply care for some one the initial punch in the gut knocks you flat with rage at first before the actual pain and hurt sets in!