chickendinner12 Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) A hookup I saw off and on for five years recently came back into my life in September. We just ran into each other at the local fair and hooked up a few more times before deciding to become exclusive fairly quickly. There were always strong feelings in the past. It was at this time I learned from him that he's kinda down on his luck. He had a roommate who turned abusive so he decided to take all his things and leave there, he said, and was basically living out of his car. I care about him so I said he could stay with me in my house until he gets back on his feet. The first few weeks things were great but lately things have started to slip and I don't think I'm very happy in my relationship honestly. I'm constantly stressed because he tells me he loves me and that he wants to be with me, but I feel like he spends way more time with his friends than he does with me, and that causes me a lot of mental and emotional stress. If I'm being honest with myself. I think I would feel better if we had a set night of the week where it's just "us" time, but he's terrible about committing to/scheduling plans. I never know when I'm going to see him from day to day. I don't know where he is at this moment. I don't know if where's going to be sleeping. He's been having these panic attacks the last couple weeks which makes him even more unreliable. He's against the idea of getting medication for the issue, and insists on using breathing exercises to control it. We hardly have sex that much because the stress of his circumstances effects his performance, and I have a pretty extreme sex drive myself already. Yes, he's a mess. But I love this dude way more than anybody I've ever met, and I know I will be extremely depressed if we lose touch again. But I don't know if I can keep doing this. My needs aren't being met sexually or emotionally. I flew out Monday for work, came back Thursday. He cleaned up my house and decluttered it a ton and took care of my pets. But I have only seen him once for a couple hours before he went out to a halloween party after work and then spent the next day with friends again. I dunno what this emotion is (it's not jealously, it's more like feeling lonely in this relationship) but it doesn't feel good. I feel lonelier in this relationship than I did when I was single. I've never thought of myself as a clingy person, but is this really a healthy relationship if he's spending more time with friends, going to clubs etc than around me?I was tossing and turning all night and wrote all this up. My friends I've poured my guts out to say, give it time. He's been going through some life changes, maybe he'll settle down. But I'm at the end of my emotional rope, the idea of riding it out for even one more day sounds exhausting. Part of me wants to get off this roller coaster. The other part loves him very much and knows I worry about what would happen if I asked him to go. I think about him whenever we aren't together. But then again, we're barely seen much of each other the last week between my traveling and his socializing. I'm torn between giving it a little more time in the hope that things will get better or just ending it. Right now he feels more like a roommate than my boyfriend. Maybe it feels that way because I've been out of town nearly a week, I dunno. Edited November 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 9 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: I feel lonelier in this relationship than I did when I was single. OK, what are you getting out of this so-called relationship? To be totally honest here, this guy is a hot mess. He has a lot of demons that he has to slay on his own before even considering getting serious with anybody. I suppose, the best you can do is to try to convince him to get some medical help for his depression and anxiety. But the rest is up to him. 14 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: My friends I've poured my guts out to say, give it time. He's been going through some life changes, maybe he'll settle down. Sure, speaking theoretically, some time down the road he could be the best husband and a father on this planet. But that could take years and years. The question to ask yourself is how long are you willing to put your life on hold for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chickendinner12 Posted October 30, 2022 Author Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Alvi said: OK, what are you getting out of this so-called relationship? Lately not much. We talk on the phone/text every day but I didn't sign up for a long distance relationship. This is a good question on another point too: what kind of partner does it sound like I need? What am I looking for? Quote I suppose, the best you can do is to try to convince him to get some medical help for his depression and anxiety. But the rest is up to him. Yeah, I told him in bed the other night that that's a lot to try to handle on his own and it doesn't sound like this is well controlled but he says doesn't want to be on drugs the rest of his life. I'm sure my mom doesn't want to take arthritis medication forever, but that's just the way it goes. Quote The question to ask yourself is how long are you willing to put your life on hold for him. What if I ask him to leave and and am racked with regret and miss him. On the other hand, suppose I did decide to end it. How would I start that conversation? What would I say? Edited October 30, 2022 by chickendinner12 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. It's almost as if he's using you for a place to stay but telling you he loves you, yet won't spend time with you. I would just tell him you love him but you feel it would be best if he moved out. Tell him you aren't compatible and this isn't working for you. Give him 2 weeks to leave. He should be able to stay with one of his friends he spends so much time with. May I ask why you don't go to these parties, clubs etc., with him? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: I'm at the end of my emotional rope, the idea of riding it out for even one more day sounds exhausting. I would end it. Full stop. Quote I never know when I'm going to see him from day to day. I don't know where he is at this moment. I don't know if where's going to be sleeping. How do you have relationship with this? I mean, a casual acquaintance is more considerate than this. This is terrible, not acceptable from a relationship partner. Edited October 30, 2022 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chickendinner12 Posted October 30, 2022 Author Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) 26 minutes ago, stillafool said: May I ask why you don't go to these parties, clubs etc., with him? I admit I'm too much of a homebody and I need to get out more. But I hesitate to go to the clubs with him because I'm worried about him getting drunk. And also sometimes when he's invited me it's bad timing. Like if I got up for work at 6am, I'm probably not gonna feel like going to the club at 10 or 11 that night. Often those invites are just on a whim with no planning ahead of time. Edited October 30, 2022 by chickendinner12 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 39 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: I'm sure my mom doesn't want to take arthritis medication forever, but that's just the way it goes. Same with my mom. She hates her arthritis meds but she takes them twice a day. It is what it is. Nothing much you can do about your guy except wishing him well and moving on with your life. 42 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: What if I ask him to leave and and am racked with regret and miss him. On the other hand, suppose I did decide to end it. How would I start that conversation? What would I say? Not going to be easy for you but once you reach the point of no return (where you are finally to let him go) tell him that this is not working out for you and give him few weeks to move out. Be firm in your decision and don't let him to sway you away. If he has any family member that you know about, maybe you could contact them and let them know what is going on with him. Really, there is nothing much you can do for him. He is a grown up. He somehow survived without you and pretty sure he is going to do just fine once you end things with him. I know this sounds incredibly selfish but your responsibility is to take the best possible care of yourself. You are not responsible for him or any of him decisions. Sometimes you have to let go of some of your friends, lovers and family members that drag you down. I know, you care about him but please put yourself first. 5 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: But I hesitate to go to the clubs with him because I'm worried about him getting drunk. And also sometimes when he's invited me it's bad timing. Like if I got up for work at 6am, I'm probably not gonna feel like going to the club at 10 or 11 that night. Often those invites are just on a whim with no planning ahead of time. Talk about incompatible lifestyles. You should be more pickier about people that you choose to associate with. Be it your friends or a boyfriend. Have you heard a term hobosexual? If not, Google it and see if he fits that description. I am almost sure that he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: What if I ask him to leave and and am racked with regret and miss him. Possibly. But he is not a last man on this planet. Why not make a good profile on a reputable dating site and start meeting men? This guy is going to become a distant memory to you once you find someone who is more compatible. Edited October 30, 2022 by Alvi Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 23 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: I hesitate to go to the clubs with him because I'm worried about him getting drunk. Another red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 is he working very hard to get back on his feet? or leeching off you for a home base when he's not out partying or doing whatever he wants? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chickendinner12 Posted October 30, 2022 Author Share Posted October 30, 2022 8 minutes ago, ccas93 said: is he working very hard to get back on his feet? or leeching off you for a home base when he's not out partying or doing whatever he wants? He has a busy schedule working these events, but he's been applying for full time work because it's harder to get an apartment with that type of sporadic paycheck he gets. He gets paid per event, not a regular salary. I think that if he did apartment I would probably see even less of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 How old is this guy? What are we talking about here? Your profile says that you are between 35-44 years old. I assume that he is around the same age as you are. Don't you think that he is too old for this type of lifestyle? If he hasn't got his crap together by this age, when do you think it is going to happen? Curious, does he pay for anything or you let him live for free at your place? You should not play a role of his savior. There are better guys out there, believe it or not. 32 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: but he's been applying for full time work because it's harder to get an apartment with that type of sporadic paycheck he gets. Thinking realistically, do you think that he is going to actually stick for a while with a full time work even if he manages to find a workplace? Or is he going to quit it because He might find it hard to work scheduled full-time It may interfere with his lifestyle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: I think that if he did apartment I would probably see even less of him. That tells you something, doesn’t it? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 Down on his luck? Is this the nonsense you told yourself. You date someone who is living out of a car. You let them get into a decent living situation and then you perhaps begin to consider dating them. Terrible decision to invite this person in. Terrible. You never want to go into a relationship helping someone. As a teacher of mine once said, there are people in the world who are black holes: they will suck up every bit of life and energy you give to them. You get serious in a relationship only because the person is highly capable right now, right this moment--without one eye to potential. But this is the kind of terrible decision you can learn from. And you got a lot of learning to do. After helping this person, you are now feeling neglected and ignored and you are only tentatively asking whether something is not right. Fix this thinking. Your brain and body ought to be SCREAMING that this relationship is terrible right now and you ought have kicked this person out. Please do some googling and reading on boundaries in relationships. Yours are way too weak and that's the reason you're in this situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 You made a huge, huge mistake letting this guy move in with you. "Down on his luck"? I'm sorry but that is a load of BS. He is a mess of a person who has made a lot of bad decisions and still doesn't seem to have the skills to manage his life. Now he is making his problems your problems. He is obviously using you for a place to stay. You need to inform this guy that he needs to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: he decided to take all his things and leave there, he said, and was basically living out of his car. I care about him so I said he could stay with me in my house until he gets back on his feet. It would be best to give him adequate legal notice to move out. You're not a homeless shelter or welfare department. He's not offering you the relationship you're looking for. Free yourself from this. That way you can move forward to find a more compatible man and balanced situation. Edited October 30, 2022 by Wiseman2 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 Does he pay any bills? You’re both completely incompatible. I understand you’re trying to be kind/empathetic but have some boundaries. Just because you’ve known him for awhile doesn’t mean all that goes out the window. It was poor judgment on your part letting him into your home and a huge red flag that he continues to assume he’s welcome there. How do you not know if there are drugs involved or if he has a substance abuse issue? I’m assuming you didn’t get this job you wake up for at 6am because you wanted it and it isn’t always easy. It’s hard work and you put that time in to get the steady pay check you do in order to have a roof over your head. You expect that from yourself so why don’t you expect the same from a partner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 I wouldn’t feel badly either - home of his drinking buddies can put him up for a while. No doubt, they have a sofa he can sleep on… unless, he moved to your place because they had already kicked him out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 I almost can't believe you have any question about this. All the answers you want are in your original post. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 The way he disappears for long periods of time, and you often don't know where he is...... that is really suspicious of drug use. Something about this whole situation seems really sketchy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 17 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: But I love this dude way more than anybody I've ever met OP, it's sadly quite obvious that this feeling isn't mutual. He's using you for a place to live. It was a mistake to move him into your house to begin with, but it's beyond time to end it. This guy sounds very shady and full of ulterior motives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 I know I’m probably a lot older than you and times have changed so much in regards to hookups and sex. One thing that hasn’t changed though is female feelings. Unless you are in a committed relationship with someone who is on the same page with you, hooking up will usually lead to feeling empty and alone. And I sense thats how you feel from your post. I guess I don’t understand what the benefit is that a woman gets when she gives of herself sexually without receiving anything in return. Ok, an orgasm ? Big deal. Think about that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chickendinner12 Posted October 31, 2022 Author Share Posted October 31, 2022 (edited) Today my boyfriend moved out. I asked him to leave because although I loved him unconditionally, his lifestyle was causing me too much stress so I needed to separate myself from it. He has a drinking problem and he only sometimes does he seem aware of it. You have no idea how stressful it is lying awake in bed at 2 or 3 in the morning and stressing about where he is, who he was with, whether he got into another fight or crashed his car or fell and broke his neck all because he was drunk. I couldn't live with that kind of stress anymore. That's why I did this. I hope he understands. He seemed to get it yesterday, but today when he got his things he was really upset. He told me he doubts we'll ever speak again because he doesn't have the desire to. I just kept telling him I love him and look forward to being friends if that's what he wants. So that's where I'm at. Today I lost my best friend, and I have to face life without him. I truly have lost everything. I asked my best friend to leave. Will I regret this for the rest of my life? Edited October 31, 2022 by chickendinner12 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 1, 2022 Share Posted November 1, 2022 (edited) He wasn't treating you like his girlfriend or best friend but more like a roommate. He was hardly there. You will be okay. Look forward to meeting a man who will take you out or who likes to stay in and watch movies the way you do. Someone who doesn't have a drinking problem. Your ex is just mad because now he's got to stop loafing and do something about his life. His friends aren't going to coddle him the way you do. Maybe now he will look for a full time job and do the other one on weekends. This will be good for him in the long run. Edited November 1, 2022 by stillafool 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted November 1, 2022 Share Posted November 1, 2022 You did the right thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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