I'm feeling haunted

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Thanks for thinking that I can make things better for myself

I don’t just think you can, I know you can. But you have to jump over your fear and embarrassment first, as these factors are holding you back. And that may require you to look at things from a different angle.

About the affairs: no judgement on you, no need to be ashamed. Drop the embarrassment. You must have been so desperate for affirmation and affection, it’s understandable how vulnerable you were. 

About the men in your affairs: maybe do put a little bit of judgement on them. Effectively they were taking advantage of your vulnerable state.

Decide that you deserve better. You are showing yourself as a kind and empathetic person and no doubt you bring more to the table when people actually get to know you. Don’t you think you deserve a friend who cares about you? Invest your time building frienships.

And sometimes you may be strict with yourself. The next guy who comes on your path and shows you romantic interest, remind yourself that you won’t be anyone’s side piece anymore. 

[lftbehind]

4 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

With your pattern of an unhappy marriage and affairs, I get the feeling that you’re waiting for an opportunity for an exit affair. If you met a man and had another affair, but he asked you to leave your husband and would be willing to support you financially, would you do it? 

Because your affairs all end eventually, and you still stay in your terrible marriage. So you are repeating the same thing for years now and your situation hasn’t changed. It wont change either unless you change it. 

Can you at least go see a lawyer and get a consultation and see if you’re entitled to alimony/child support so you are free to find your true love without cheating on your husband?

I guess maybe I have thought about an exit affair. I might leave my husband, but it would still be hard, because we've been together for a while and I care about him. 

It is embarrassing to me that I have had the same unhappy situation for years. It looks like I would be the only one to change it. 

I can see a lawyer and get a consultation. Luckily, my daughter is grown and on her own. I don't want to keep cheating on my husband. I guess that I get desperate for affection. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

 I can see a lawyer and get a consultation. 

This may alleviate a lot of your concerns. Being informed will help you make the right call. In the meantime get a referral to a qualified therapist to unpack and sort this out and ongoing support. You'll need someone you can talk to confidentiality and who can guide you through things.

[lftbehind]

3 hours ago, glows said:

There are feelings of failure and sometimes confusion, cognitive dissonance and up/down in regards to divorce and this is no small decision. Embarrassment is a common theme especially if you keep telling yourself you’re a failure or allow others to shame you for ending a marriage, whether it comes from society’s disdain or other unhappy individuals out of jealousy or anger, taking out their own issues on you while you work through or push past your own limits. 

That embarrassment you feel is very common but don’t shy away from the tough topics and asking yourself whether  you’ve outgrown this marriage. Weed is still weed. There no excuse to need weed to control temper. He’s self-medicating it seems instead of dealing with his mental health and anger issues. It sounds like you’ve normalized all of his behaviours.

Focus more on changing your situation if you want change. 

It is a huge decision to get a divorce. I've been with him for since 2006 and care about him. We do get along some and he's been there for me. He's also been very mean and made me feel very bad aIbout myself. I don't think that I will be able to support myself on my own, either. I can talk to a lawyer to find out more. I'm not afraid of the stigma of divorce. I've been divorced before. I was married to a man that was physically abusive. That's easy to leave, because you have to or you might die. 

I agree that he shouldn't have to self-medicate with weed. I think that doing it a lot is bad for you. I don't think that he thinks that he has any issues. I don't like him doing pot, but I guess that it's good if he is mellow. It's not real, though and I don't like being around someone that's high all the time. 

I think a change will have to happen for me to be happy. 

[lftbehind]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

I don’t just think you can, I know you can. But you have to jump over your fear and embarrassment first, as these factors are holding you back. And that may require you to look at things from a different angle.

About the affairs: no judgement on you, no need to be ashamed. Drop the embarrassment. You must have been so desperate for affirmation and affection, it’s understandable how vulnerable you were. 

About the men in your affairs: maybe do put a little bit of judgement on them. Effectively they were taking advantage of your vulnerable state.

Decide that you deserve better. You are showing yourself as a kind and empathetic person and no doubt you bring more to the table when people actually get to know you. Don’t you think you deserve a friend who cares about you? Invest your time building frienships.

And sometimes you may be strict with yourself. The next guy who comes on your path and shows you romantic interest, remind yourself that you won’t be anyone’s side piece anymore. 

Thank you for saying that I can. 

I do feel bad for the affairs, but I was desperate for affirmation and affection. 

I do think that the men took advantage of me. I think that there was some caring there, though. 

Thanks for the compliments. I'm not used to getting them. I try to be a good person I would like friends, but it's hard, because most of the people that I work with don't speak English and a lot of the ones that do are not fluent. 

I do need to not have another affair. I want to be a better person  Thanks for you empathy and advice, I really appreciate it. 

[Will am I]

8 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I do feel bad for the affairs, but I was desperate for affirmation and affection. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is OK to be having affairs because you don't get treated properly by your spouse. But I feel that feelings of shame and guilt are not helping you either. Shame, guilt, fear: these emotions have in common that they can hold you back from making better steps.

I don't think you should excuse [pardon, entitle, allow] yourself for having these affairs, but I do think you should forgive yourself [be at rest with what happened in the past, put it behind you, close the book]. Feeling bad about yourself is not helpful when you need to be establishing solid friendships. Mentally healthy and confident people establish the best relationships. That applies equally to friendships as it does to romantic relationships.

 

8 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I do think that the men took advantage of me. I think that there was some caring there, though. 

These things can indeed coexist. I really cared about "my" xOW too. I was genuinely in love and never set out to take advantage.

But at the same time, keeping her as a side piece was not giving her the respect and honor she deserves as a human being, as an individual, as a woman. And I believe that the reason she wanted to be an OW in the first place was because of nasty things that had happened in an earlier phase of her life. So effectively I was also taking advantage of her weakness.

 

8 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

Thanks for the compliments. I'm not used to getting them. I try to be a good person I would like friends, but it's hard, because most of the people that I work with don't speak English and a lot of the ones that do are not fluent. 

I understand cultural and language barriers can be a limiting factor in establishing deeper connections. But friendship does go deeper than these differences.

I have friends from different ages, ethnicities, cultural backgrounds and mother tongues. What helps is that I speak a lot of languages, but the deepest connections don't even need a lot of words. And: differences can also be areas of connection. 

Show interest in their background. Try to learn a little bit of their language, ask them to teach you some words and sentences. Congratulate them on holidays and events that are important in their culture. This kind of affirmation can be so important to a person who is a cultural minority, because it recognizes the fact that they also bring something to the table that is valued and appreciated.

And your social circle can be so much bigger than your work circle. Go to church, meet people there. Get involved in team sports. Find a hobby and connect to other women around that. You may not have a lot of things going on in your life now, but don't allow things to stay like that. Abusive men tend to isolate their partners, you had your share of that. Don't be isolated anymore. 

8 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I do need to not have another affair. I want to be a better person  Thanks for you empathy and advice, I really appreciate it. 

Work on your self confidence. I mean, you are a precious and lovely person right? A person who deserves more than to feed on scraps of affection from affair partners.

 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Another part is I'm supposed to inherit a lot of money eventually and that may be part of the reason that my husband wants to stay with me. He doesn't say much, but he's made a few comments about it. 

If this is the case you should leave before you inherit the money.  If you know this money is coming you can work 2 jobs until you get it.  It isn't fair to stay with your husband and continue to cheat on him just because you're too embarrassed to divorce.  How embarrassed will you feel when people find out you were cheating while married?  That's way more embarrassing and a strike against your character as well as your reputation.   A lot harder to recover from than a divorce.

[glows]

4 hours ago, lftbehind said:

It is a huge decision to get a divorce. I've been with him for since 2006 and care about him. We do get along some and he's been there for me. He's also been very mean and made me feel very bad aIbout myself. I don't think that I will be able to support myself on my own, either. I can talk to a lawyer to find out more. I'm not afraid of the stigma of divorce. I've been divorced before. I was married to a man that was physically abusive. That's easy to leave, because you have to or you might die. 

I agree that he shouldn't have to self-medicate with weed. I think that doing it a lot is bad for you. I don't think that he thinks that he has any issues. I don't like him doing pot, but I guess that it's good if he is mellow. It's not real, though and I don't like being around someone that's high all the time. 

I think a change will have to happen for me to be happy. 

Why not call it what it is? He isn’t mean. He’s abusive. I get the feeling you’re afraid of what you’re living with and skirting around the issue. Your husband is emotionally abusive and has a temper. You’ve got a history of living or or being involved with abusive partners and have to break out of this cycle. It seems all you’ve known is toxic and abusive relationships. 

I agree - speak with a lawyer before telling yourself you can or you can’t or what you have to do. You’ve been divorced before so this isn’t your first time. Take care of yourself. Whatever is happening now isn’t working. Find a new way to live and don’t slip into the same patterns dating abusive partners. Read up on breaking the cycle in abusive relationships, arm yourself with more knowledge and move on. Cheating is too easy. What you’re coming home to is the same mess day after day and feeling more helpless about your situation and worse about yourself.

Edited October 31, 2022 by glows

[lftbehind]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is OK to be having affairs because you don't get treated properly by your spouse. But I feel that feelings of shame and guilt are not helping you either. Shame, guilt, fear: these emotions have in common that they can hold you back from making better steps.

I don't think you should excuse [pardon, entitle, allow] yourself for having these affairs, but I do think you should forgive yourself [be at rest with what happened in the past, put it behind you, close the book]. Feeling bad about yourself is not helpful when you need to be establishing solid friendships. Mentally healthy and confident people establish the best relationships. That applies equally to friendships as it does to romantic relationships.

 

These things can indeed coexist. I really cared about "my" xOW too. I was genuinely in love and never set out to take advantage.

But at the same time, keeping her as a side piece was not giving her the respect and honor she deserves as a human being, as an individual, as a woman. And I believe that the reason she wanted to be an OW in the first place was because of nasty things that had happened in an earlier phase of her life. So effectively I was also taking advantage of her weakness.

 

I understand cultural and language barriers can be a limiting factor in establishing deeper connections. But friendship does go deeper than these differences.

I have friends from different ages, ethnicities, cultural backgrounds and mother tongues. What helps is that I speak a lot of languages, but the deepest connections don't even need a lot of words. And: differences can also be areas of connection. 

Show interest in their background. Try to learn a little bit of their language, ask them to teach you some words and sentences. Congratulate them on holidays and events that are important in their culture. This kind of affirmation can be so important to a person who is a cultural minority, because it recognizes the fact that they also bring something to the table that is valued and appreciated.

And your social circle can be so much bigger than your work circle. Go to church, meet people there. Get involved in team sports. Find a hobby and connect to other women around that. You may not have a lot of things going on in your life now, but don't allow things to stay like that. Abusive men tend to isolate their partners, you had your share of that. Don't be isolated anymore. 

Work on your self confidence. I mean, you are a precious and lovely person right? A person who deserves more than to feed on scraps of affection from affair partners.

 

You're right, shame and guilt can hold someone back from making better decisions. I sort of forgive myself, but I do feel bad about the affairs. I've never cheated in other relationships that I've had. It is good to be mentally healthy and confident. I have problems with my confidence and try to feel good about myself. 

It doesn't sound like you were taking advantage of OW. She cared about you and I'm sure that she got some positive things from your relationship, too. 

When you can't talk to someone because of different languages, you can't get to know them. They are talking to each other and I'm just sitting there. There are people from everywhere where I work and only a few Americans. 

That's good you speak different languages and can communicate with a lot of different people. 

I would like to get involved in other activities when I can. I work 3:30 PM to 12:00 AM now and I don't have time to do anything but work, hardly. I don't sleep well and I'm tired a lot. 

Thanks for the compliments, it's nice to hear good things about myself. I do deserve more than someones scraps. 

[lftbehind]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Why not call it what it is? He isn’t mean. He’s abusive. I get the feeling you’re afraid of what you’re living with and skirting around the issue. Your husband is emotionally abusive and has a temper. You’ve got a history of living or or being involved with abusive partners and have to break out of this cycle. It seems all you’ve known is toxic and abusive relationships. 

I agree - speak with a lawyer before telling yourself you can or you can’t or what you have to do. You’ve been divorced before so this isn’t your first time. Take care of yourself. Whatever is happening now isn’t working. Find a new way to live and don’t slip into the same patterns dating abusive partners. Read up on breaking the cycle in abusive relationships, arm yourself with more knowledge and move on. Cheating is too easy. What you’re coming home to is the same mess day after day and feeling more helpless about your situation and worse about yourself.

He is abusive. I seem to attract people that don't treat me well and a lot that drink. I don't know why. I try to be a good person and treat them well. I know the cheating is bad and have not cheated in other relationships. I do need to break the cycle. 

Thanks, I will try to take care of myself and see a lawyer. I've read about relationships, but still end up getting in abusive ones. I need to be more careful, I guess. The cheating doesn't solve anything and does make me feel worse about myself for doing it. I have been feeling helpless. Thanks for your good advice and understanding, I really appreciate it. 

 

[lftbehind]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

If this is the case you should leave before you inherit the money.  If you know this money is coming you can work 2 jobs until you get it.  It isn't fair to stay with your husband and continue to cheat on him just because you're too embarrassed to divorce.  How embarrassed will you feel when people find out you were cheating while married?  That's way more embarrassing and a strike against your character as well as your reputation.   A lot harder to recover from than a divorce.

It will be a while before I get the money, hopefully. I can't work 2 jobs. I don't sleep well and I'm tired and don't feel good a lot. I have a few health problems. I don't want to keep cheating. I'm not embarrassed to divorce, but not ready yet. You're right, cheating is a strike against your character and reputation. It's not excuse, but everyone makes mistakes. We need to learn from them. 

[LynneVicious]

You should call a lawyer right now and make a consultation appointment! No more fear! And call and make a therapist appointment. Even online therapy can help. There are a lot of options out there now. You have to take the first step rather than repeating the same pattern and behavior. The last thing you should do is have another affair. It’s not fair to anyone. Good luck to you!

Edited October 31, 2022 by LynneVicious

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

It will be a while before I get the money, hopefully. I can't work 2 jobs. I don't sleep well and I'm tired and don't feel good a lot. I have a few health problems. I don't want to keep cheating. I'm not embarrassed to divorce, but not ready yet. You're right, cheating is a strike against your character and reputation. It's not excuse, but everyone makes mistakes. We need to learn from them. 

But you have the energy to engage in an affair. You cheating on your husband is not a mistake but a choice you happily make.  What have you learned from your choices since 2015?  Everything seems to be the same with the same excuses.

[Will am I]

10 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I sort of forgive myself, but I do feel bad about the affairs. I've never cheated in other relationships that I've had. It is good to be mentally healthy and confident. I have problems with my confidence and try to feel good about myself. 

I guess that if a man spends long enough being harsh, mean and abusive to his woman, she will eventually yield to another man's attention if she feels that the other man does value her more.

Let's take the shame and embarrassment away from that. It was just something that was going to happen and I don't see this as a display of poor character on your side. Other women in your shoes would have also been prone to falling for other men.

The only moral flaw in your actions is that you didn't end your current relationship before getting into a new one. If you need to be embarrassed about something, I'd say your fear of leaving the marriage has been a bit of an embarrassment to you.

 

10 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

It doesn't sound like you were taking advantage of OW. She cared about you and I'm sure that she got some positive things from your relationship, too. 

My point is:  being in an affair is receiving substandard treatment, even if you do enjoy it yourself. You give an intimate part of you to someone who does not commit, I call that substandard.

You got something out of your affairs too. Maybe you liked the refuge from having to think about your struggling marriage. Maybe you enjoyed it when men would compliment you and call you cute, beautiful, or what words they'd use. Maybe there were gifts as tangiable tokens of their appreciation. And maybe the sex was exciting. But just because something is enjoyable does not mean it's good.

How to make this point? Imagine serving alcohol to a 14 year old, they'd probably enjoy it and like you for doing it. But that definitely does not mean you'd be treating the kid well.

 

10 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I would like to get involved in other activities when I can. I work 3:30 PM to 12:00 AM now and I don't have time to do anything but work, hardly. I don't sleep well and I'm tired a lot. 

How many days do you work? Do you have weekends off? There have to be times when you can do social things. Church services are usually in the mornings, why not take a shot at that?

 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

He is abusive. I seem to attract people that don't treat me well and a lot that drink. I don't know why

I think a physchologist can help you uncover these patterns and your underlying motives.

For this forum the question may be a bit too deep.

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

He is abusive. I seem to attract people that don't treat me well and a lot that drink. I don't know why. I try to be a good person and treat them well. I know the cheating is bad and have not cheated in other relationships. I do need to break the cycle. 

Thanks, I will try to take care of myself and see a lawyer. I've read about relationships, but still end up getting in abusive ones. I need to be more careful, I guess. The cheating doesn't solve anything and does make me feel worse about myself for doing it. I have been feeling helpless. Thanks for your good advice and understanding, I really appreciate it. 

 

It’s “I need to be more careful”, period. Not “I guess”. The intent here isn’t to be hard on you but encourage change.

It’s difficult dissociating from an abusive relationship. You may be numb from the constant abuse and put downs or attacking you or seeing your mother or family treated badly. Some of it you may see as your fault. 

Regarding the inheritance by the way, see a lawyer about protecting that asset or what your options are even if you choose not to divorce. The issue is not assuming you have or know all the answers and being proactive to get the professional help and advice to change what’s currently happening.

[Will am I]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s difficult dissociating from an abusive relationship. You may be numb from the constant abuse and put downs

This is such an important point. Domestic abuse is incapacitating its victims through constant and vicious undermining of their self esteem and isolation from their support networks.

I believe that friendships are the best antidote. They provide support, help the victim to feel appreciated, keep the victims self image in check with reality and indirectly make the abuser a bit more accountable for his actions.

[glows]

Friendships only go so far and friends are not trained professionals in regards to legal assistance and emotional counselling. It’s not fair to be loading this onto friends or loved ones and more important that you get the information directly from the professionals trained to give the appropriate information if you want to make changes.

[Will am I]

I think OP needs both professional help (legal, counseling) as well as friendships.

It’s not only about information or assistance, but also about moral support. About helping to overcome fear and validation despite  seemingly damaged self esteem.

Friendships make so much difference in these areas. Planning an exit from an abisive partner all alone, that sounds to scary.

[glows]

Friends are fine to a limited capacity but aren’t neutral enough when it comes to deciding whether to stay or leave, in my opinion. It may confuse the OP as well if her resolve isn’t there. Add religious or political beliefs into the mix and other opinions on marriage in general and you have a confused concoction of various ideals or “shoulds”, ie what a person should do.

At the end of the day everyone benefits from a strong support network. The key is maintaining boundaries and being selective. A person can spend their time with close friends and feel loved without replacing professional advice or mistaking that it’s in the place of professional advice. 

The danger is also not having close friends, period, due to an isolating and abusive relationship and turning to individuals who are less than trustworthy.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

He is abusive. I seem to attract people that don't treat me well and a lot that drink. I don't know why.

I will rephrase that for you - you  are attracted to men who don't treat you well and drink alot.  Most women are hit on by abusive drunks but they don't get involved with them.  You need to ask yourself why you are attracted to those type of men and get involved with them.  Also most abused women are too afraid to get involved in an affair.  They know they will get beat up or worse if caught.  It's amazing you have the courage to do that.

[lftbehind]

14 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

You should call a lawyer right now and make a consultation appointment! No more fear! And call and make a therapist appointment. Even online therapy can help. There are a lot of options out there now. You have to take the first step rather than repeating the same pattern and behavior. The last thing you should do is have another affair. It’s not fair to anyone. Good luck to you!

I can consult a lawyer. I tried therapy and I don't think that it helped me much. I do need to stop repeating the same patterns and behaviors that I've been doing. I don't want to have another affair. Thanks!

[lftbehind]

14 hours ago, Will am I said:

I guess that if a man spends long enough being harsh, mean and abusive to his woman, she will eventually yield to another man's attention if she feels that the other man does value her more.

Let's take the shame and embarrassment away from that. It was just something that was going to happen and I don't see this as a display of poor character on your side. Other women in your shoes would have also been prone to falling for other men.

The only moral flaw in your actions is that you didn't end your current relationship before getting into a new one. If you need to be embarrassed about something, I'd say your fear of leaving the marriage has been a bit of an embarrassment to you.

 

My point is:  being in an affair is receiving substandard treatment, even if you do enjoy it yourself. You give an intimate part of you to someone who does not commit, I call that substandard.

You got something out of your affairs too. Maybe you liked the refuge from having to think about your struggling marriage. Maybe you enjoyed it when men would compliment you and call you cute, beautiful, or what words they'd use. Maybe there were gifts as tangiable tokens of their appreciation. And maybe the sex was exciting. But just because something is enjoyable does not mean it's good.

How to make this point? Imagine serving alcohol to a 14 year old, they'd probably enjoy it and like you for doing it. But that definitely does not mean you'd be treating the kid well.

 

How many days do you work? Do you have weekends off? There have to be times when you can do social things. Church services are usually in the mornings, why not take a shot at that?

 

The AP did make me feel good sometimes. I agree that being in an affair is getting substandard treatment. I gave myself to AP and did feel like I loved him, but he didn't talk about his feelings. I know we had fun together. 

I liked the attention from AP and it was a temporary escape from the stresses of my marriage. It was nice to feel wanted and appreciated, but I had to go back to my real life afterwards. I know that it wasn't good   

I work 5 days a week and have weekends off. That's the only time I can spend with my husband, so it's hard to get away. Maybe church sometime. 

13 hours ago, glows said:

It’s “I need to be more careful”, period. Not “I guess”. The intent here isn’t to be hard on you but encourage change.

It’s difficult dissociating from an abusive relationship. You may be numb from the constant abuse and put downs or attacking you or seeing your mother or family treated badly. Some of it you may see as your fault. 

Regarding the inheritance by the way, see a lawyer about protecting that asset or what your options are even if you choose not to divorce. The issue is not assuming you have or know all the answers and being proactive to get the professional help and advice to change what’s currently happening.

Thanks, I do need to be more careful. 

The abuse does wear me out and I he tries to tell me that it's my fault that he treats me the way that he does  

I do need to see a lawyer. 

[lftbehind]

11 hours ago, S2B said:

Define “haunted” from your perspective.

I was missing the memory of what I had with AP. We had not talked in over 3 months,  just said hi once in a while  

[glows]

When starved of affection or feeling helpless, experiencing loss of control in some way it’s not unusual to feel strong emotions like this or long for the brief moments of affection that someone else has shown you. 

Keep working on figuring out how you want to proceed with your marriage and caring for yourself. Your husband isn’t doing that. Neither is the AP. He’s moved on. You take care of you.