I'm feeling haunted

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

I work 5 days a week and have weekends off. That's the only time I can spend with my husband, so it's hard to get away

Preparing for an exit from your marriage will involve you redirecting your time away from your husband and towards people and activities that belong to the “post-marriage you”.

I sense some reluctance.

What’s holding you back? Are you afraid of being alone, or ending up alone? Are yoh afraid of consequences in terms of finances, living arrangements etc?Are you afraid of your husband’s reaction? Are you still hopeful for the marriage to take a better turn?

[lftbehind]

22 hours ago, glows said:

When starved of affection or feeling helpless, experiencing loss of control in some way it’s not unusual to feel strong emotions like this or long for the brief moments of affection that someone else has shown you. 

Keep working on figuring out how you want to proceed with your marriage and caring for yourself. Your husband isn’t doing that. Neither is the AP. He’s moved on. You take care of you.

I do miss him some, but I try to think logically about things. What we had needed to end, even though we really enjoyed being together. I do sometimes wonder if it could have worked if I was single. I'm not sure that he was single, like he said he was. I think he might have had someone back home. 

Thanks, I'll try to take care of myself and figure out what to do about my marriage. 

[lftbehind]

21 hours ago, Will am I said:

Preparing for an exit from your marriage will involve you redirecting your time away from your husband and towards people and activities that belong to the “post-marriage you”.

I sense some reluctance.

What’s holding you back? Are you afraid of being alone, or ending up alone? Are yoh afraid of consequences in terms of finances, living arrangements etc?Are you afraid of your husband’s reaction? Are you still hopeful for the marriage to take a better turn?

You're right, it would be good to try and get a network before I left. 

I'm afraid of being alone and I don't think that I could afford to live on my own. The cost of everything has gone up and I don't think that I would have a good place to live. I'm afraid of his reaction, too. I think he cares about me, even though he mistreats me some. I would like the marriage to get better, but it's been the same for a while. It's not bad enough to leave, but I'm not happy. After the way that he's treated me, I don't feel connected to him. 

[Will am I]

May I call you out @lftbehind?

You seem to agree with a lot of advice that people give you, but often through indirect statements that start with "I should", or in this case "It would be good". Even your choise of tenses reflects the ongoing doubt. "before I left" does not sound nearly as strong as "before I leave".

In my business persona I always tell people: "I should" means "I won't". Because the word "should" does not speak of internal motivation; it reflects a sense of obligation and not a desire or sense of purpose.

Please don't take offense in me calling you out. I care about your situation, I sympathize with you and understand that it's not so easy. But for your own benefit you need to more bold.

 

About building a network: you don't only need that if you leave a marriage, you also need that when you're in a marriage. Without any friendships or other close personal ties, you're prone to putting too much pressure on your spouse's shoulders and making yourself too dependent of your spouse. Also, close friendships or family ties may provide a compass for what are normal and healthy patterns in marriages. Abuse victims often yield a lot to their partner's erratic demands and start believing that the situation is still somewhat normal. Why do you think abusers always want to isolate their victims?

 

About financial concerns: this is where you ask yourself how motivated you truly are. When someone really wants to leave their marriage, all these concerns about how they will make ends meet and in which neighbourhood they will end living, it all starts to fade. Priotity one becomes: OUT. Rebuilding a life out of the ashes is priority two.

 

All in all you seem to be right on the edge. Apparently your marriage is too bad [unsatisfactory, unsafe, abusive, bad for your self esteem] to make you happy, but at the same time too good [familiar, comfortable, even "safe" in other senses] to run away from it.

 

Maybe we should take a small step back from our focus on leaving the marriage. Let's explore what excactly makes you unhappy. How things would be if you and your spouse could resolve these matters. And how realistic those ideas are.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, lftbehind said:

You're right, it would be good to try and get a network before I left. 

I'm afraid of being alone and I don't think that I could afford to live on my own. The cost of everything has gone up and I don't think that I would have a good place to live. I'm afraid of his reaction, too. I think he cares about me, even though he mistreats me some. I would like the marriage to get better, but it's been the same for a while. It's not bad enough to leave, but I'm not happy. After the way that he's treated me, I don't feel connected to him. 

Okay you're not going to leave him so what solution are you thinking about to make this better?  If you do nothing, nothing will change.  What are you planning to do?

[lftbehind]

21 hours ago, Will am I said:

May I call you out @lftbehind?

You seem to agree with a lot of advice that people give you, but often through indirect statements that start with "I should", or in this case "It would be good". Even your choise of tenses reflects the ongoing doubt. "before I left" does not sound nearly as strong as "before I leave".

In my business persona I always tell people: "I should" means "I won't". Because the word "should" does not speak of internal motivation; it reflects a sense of obligation and not a desire or sense of purpose.

Please don't take offense in me calling you out. I care about your situation, I sympathize with you and understand that it's not so easy. But for your own benefit you need to more bold.

 

About building a network: you don't only need that if you leave a marriage, you also need that when you're in a marriage. Without any friendships or other close personal ties, you're prone to putting too much pressure on your spouse's shoulders and making yourself too dependent of your spouse. Also, close friendships or family ties may provide a compass for what are normal and healthy patterns in marriages. Abuse victims often yield a lot to their partner's erratic demands and start believing that the situation is still somewhat normal. Why do you think abusers always want to isolate their victims?

 

About financial concerns: this is where you ask yourself how motivated you truly are. When someone really wants to leave their marriage, all these concerns about how they will make ends meet and in which neighbourhood they will end living, it all starts to fade. Priotity one becomes: OUT. Rebuilding a life out of the ashes is priority two.

 

All in all you seem to be right on the edge. Apparently your marriage is too bad [unsatisfactory, unsafe, abusive, bad for your self esteem] to make you happy, but at the same time too good [familiar, comfortable, even "safe" in other senses] to run away from it.

 

Maybe we should take a small step back from our focus on leaving the marriage. Let's explore what excactly makes you unhappy. How things would be if you and your spouse could resolve these matters. And how realistic those ideas are.

It's okay to call me out, I know that you're trying to help me and I appreciate it. I sound unsure, because I'm not ready to leave my marriage yet. I have a lot to work out before I could. 

It is good for everyone to have a network. I don't think that I'm too dependent on him, I like to be by myself a lot and I feel on edge being around him. 

I will be poor if I leave him and he probably won't want to help me, if the divorce is my idea. I have nowhere to go. The only thing that I could afford is to rent a room in a strangers house and I can hardly afford that. I did that before and it's not good. I also don't sleep well and I've had health problems come up recently. He pays for the health insurance. I think some of my health and sleep problems are stress related. I'm also helping my mom, too. I think that I would break me to try and move out right now, but it's breaking me staying with him. 

He has been getting mad at me more recently and screaming at me and cursing. He gets mad fast. We just got a puppy a few months ago and I told him that I wasn't ready and didn't have much time to spend with her. He said that it was okay. She's not totally potty trained and she is chewing things all the time. I don't like to let her upstairs, where the bedroom is, so I put up a baby gate. He had her upstairs and I told him that I wanted for her to stay downstairs. He got furious with me and said that he didn't like her being in the cage so much and I said that I only keep her in there, because  she's not trained. He cursed at me and said that he didn't want to talk, then he slammed the door. I left without saying goodbye. He acts like a jerk and I can't even talk to him or reason with him. 

Another thing that he got furious about was the temperature was a degree warmer than he wanted at night. He came downstairs and screamed and cursed at me for that. He never apologizes when he does this. Then he makes comments about how I work at night and I'm never around. Why would I want to be home dealing with him? I don't know if it's enough to leave a marriage over, but it makes my life unpleasant. I can't see him changing and I don't think that he thinks that he has a problem. He acts like I drive him to act the way that he does, it's my fault. 

[lftbehind]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

Okay you're not going to leave him so what solution are you thinking about to make this better?  If you do nothing, nothing will change.  What are you planning to do?

That's a good question. I have to walk on eggshells a lot to deal with him and a lot of times I can't talk to him or reason with him. I'll have to tough it out with him until I'm able to leave, but it's taking a toll on me. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

 He acts like a jerk and I can't even talk to him or reason with him. 

 

That's ok. Don't try to talk to or reason with him. Keep it functional and bland until you get accurate information about division of assets, alimony, child support and health insurance from an attorney.

You seem to be working yourself up about finances when what you need is information. You don't want to stay but you don't want to divorce.

He's an abusive alcoholic but unfortunately it's your job to protect yourself your kids and your health.

Information is your friend. Research as much as you can about divorce in your jurisdiction. Then an attorney can give you specifics on what to expect.

The best thing to do is stop talking at him hoping he becomes a sober reasonable loving husband.

You have a lot of options. 

[lftbehind]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. Don't try to talk to or reason with him. Keep it functional and bland until you get accurate information about division of assets, alimony, child support and health insurance from an attorney.

You seem to be working yourself up about finances when what you need is information. You don't want to stay but you don't want to divorce.

He's an abusive alcoholic but unfortunately it's your job to protect yourself your kids and your health.

Information is your friend. Research as much as you can about divorce in your jurisdiction. Then an attorney can give you specifics on what to expect.

The best thing to do is stop talking at him hoping he becomes a sober reasonable loving husband.

You have a lot of options. 

I try to keep in functional, but stuff comes up that he gets mad at me about. 

I know that I will need a lot of money to make it on my own. 

Luckily my daughter is grown and living on her own. 

I'll get information about divorce. 

He doesn't always act like that, but he acts like that too much. 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

I will be poor if I leave him and he probably won't want to help me, if the divorce is my idea. I have nowhere to go. The only thing that I could afford is to rent a room in a strangers house and I can hardly afford that. I did that before and it's not good. I also don't sleep well and I've had health problems come up recently. He pays for the health insurance. I think some of my health and sleep problems are stress related. I'm also helping my mom, too. I think that I would break me to try and move out right now, but it's breaking me staying with him. 

This is your dilemma in a few sentences.

Taking on life alone is a little bit more than you feel you can handle right now. But staying where you are is also eating you up inside.

The big question is: how long until the slow pain will outweigh the fast pain? 

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

[...]He acts like a jerk and I can't even talk to him or reason with him. 

This is how people can get if they do not feel heard or seen. 

I could add, this is how immature people can get if they do not feel heard or seen. Because he's showing a very immature side of himself. But my point is not about his level of maturity, it's about what feelings may trigger his behaviour.

 

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

Another thing that he got furious about was the temperature was a degree warmer than he wanted at night. He came downstairs and screamed and cursed at me for that. He never apologizes when he does this. Then he makes comments about how I work at night and I'm never around. Why would I want to be home dealing with him? I don't know if it's enough to leave a marriage over, but it makes my life unpleasant. I can't see him changing and I don't think that he thinks that he has a problem. He acts like I drive him to act the way that he does, it's my fault. 

Our counselor would say: women want to be loved (and respected). Men want to be respected (and loved).

May I add a male perspective?

I don't think your husband feels respected. From your posts I get the idea that you're staying with him out of convenience or necessity, not because you want to be with him.

To a man that feels like rejection. Like he's only wanted for his income and not for who he is as a person. That though is really hard to swallow.

Now this situation where you have been checked out from the marriage, it has existed for at least a couple of years. I imagine that could cause a man to become cynical, nasty, b---ing about everything and maybe also trigger him to seek relief in alcohol or drugs.

 

I'm not excusing his behaviour. He responds in a very immature way. A more mature man might have chosen to work on himself and his marriage, a more mature man might have chosen to end the marriage on his initiative if his efforts were not fruitful enough.

But I am somewhat understanding towards him. 

 

The million dollar question for you is: are you still willing to tear down these walls of current and past things that stand behind you, to drop all your resentment, to commit to your husband again, to be as pleasant company as you can be, to even be sexually inviting to him?  

If you are, you can take there steps and talk and wait and see of he will also drop some anger and resentment and step in your direction.

If you are not, then I think you should get rid of all your financial and material concerns and just jump ship. Your overty won't last because you have money coming in. Maybe enough to own your own home within a fee years. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

 He doesn't always act like that, but he acts like that too much. 

Perhaps research "abusive relationships", it's never "always". Keep in mind the drinking won't get better either.

 His abuse and alcoholism is not your fault.  It's his choice. He's also not being used for financial support. As long as you're married your money is a joint unit.

You're not ready to divorce. It's that simple. You had your support through your affair to help you cope and deny how bad it is.

Now that that's over, the awfulness of the marriage is more acute. When you're ready you'll speak to an attorney.

Right now you're still in "my spouse is a monster" mode so common in affairs. Talking about how awful things are but not ready to take action.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

That's a good question. I have to walk on eggshells a lot to deal with him and a lot of times I can't talk to him or reason with him. I'll have to tough it out with him until I'm able to leave, but it's taking a toll on me. 

When do you see yourself being able to leave is the question?  Again, you do nothing and nothing will change.  Do you have women friends?  What do they advise?

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Luckily my daughter is grown and living on her own. 

Why can't you move in with your daughter and work from there to get yourself together with a better job and your own place.  I'm sorry your husband is verbally abusive to you but you are also abusive to him by being in an affair with another man.   I really do think your husband has a woman on the side too that you don't know about.  Everything you've said about his behavior towards you points to it.  I'm sure you don't care considering how you feel about him so chances are you aren't the only one who is cheating.

[lftbehind]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

This is your dilemma in a few sentences.

Taking on life alone is a little bit more than you feel you can handle right now. But staying where you are is also eating you up inside.

The big question is: how long until the slow pain will outweigh the fast pain? 

This is how people can get if they do not feel heard or seen. 

I could add, this is how immature people can get if they do not feel heard or seen. Because he's showing a very immature side of himself. But my point is not about his level of maturity, it's about what feelings may trigger his behaviour.

 

Our counselor would say: women want to be loved (and respected). Men want to be respected (and loved).

May I add a male perspective?

I don't think your husband feels respected. From your posts I get the idea that you're staying with him out of convenience or necessity, not because you want to be with him.

To a man that feels like rejection. Like he's only wanted for his income and not for who he is as a person. That though is really hard to swallow.

Now this situation where you have been checked out from the marriage, it has existed for at least a couple of years. I imagine that could cause a man to become cynical, nasty, b---ing about everything and maybe also trigger him to seek relief in alcohol or drugs.

 

I'm not excusing his behaviour. He responds in a very immature way. A more mature man might have chosen to work on himself and his marriage, a more mature man might have chosen to end the marriage on his initiative if his efforts were not fruitful enough.

But I am somewhat understanding towards him. 

 

The million dollar question for you is: are you still willing to tear down these walls of current and past things that stand behind you, to drop all your resentment, to commit to your husband again, to be as pleasant company as you can be, to even be sexually inviting to him?  

If you are, you can take there steps and talk and wait and see of he will also drop some anger and resentment and step in your direction.

If you are not, then I think you should get rid of all your financial and material concerns and just jump ship. Your overty won't last because you have money coming in. Maybe enough to own your own home within a fee years. 

Yes, it is my dilemma. Do you mean that he's acting the way that he is, because he doesn't feel seen or heard?

He had said that he thinks that I might be staying with him for his income. I have checked out of the marriage, but he has treated me this way for a while, before I checked out. He has also been drinking and doing other substances, too. It's hard to even like him as a person, the way that he acts. He acts like I'm nothing. 

I try to be good company to him, but then he acts like he does. I am pretty laid back, but I don't want to be treated like the way he does. That's why I suggested couples counseling to him, I thought that it would help us talk things out. He doesn't want to go, though. 

[lftbehind]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps research "abusive relationships", it's never "always". Keep in mind the drinking won't get better either.

 His abuse and alcoholism is not your fault.  It's his choice. He's also not being used for financial support. As long as you're married your money is a joint unit.

You're not ready to divorce. It's that simple. You had your support through your affair to help you cope and deny how bad it is.

Now that that's over, the awfulness of the marriage is more acute. When you're ready you'll speak to an attorney.

Right now you're still in "my spouse is a monster" mode so common in affairs. Talking about how awful things are but not ready to take action.

He has cut back on drinking, but there's another substance, too. He uses it a lot. 

Thanks for saying that I'm not using him for financial support. I put almost all of my paycheck in our account. 

I'm not quite ready to go on my own. 

I'm not saying that he's a monster, but he acts pretty bad sometimes. 

[lftbehind]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

When do you see yourself being able to leave is the question?  Again, you do nothing and nothing will change.  Do you have women friends?  What do they advise?

When I can afford it. I don't have close friends. 

[lftbehind]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why can't you move in with your daughter and work from there to get yourself together with a better job and your own place.  I'm sorry your husband is verbally abusive to you but you are also abusive to him by being in an affair with another man.   I really do think your husband has a woman on the side too that you don't know about.  Everything you've said about his behavior towards you points to it.  I'm sure you don't care considering how you feel about him so chances are you aren't the only one who is cheating.

I don't have contact with my daughter. Husband alienated her from me. I would probably have to move out of this area, it's extremely expensive. I can see how it looks like he might be having an affair, I don't know. I want to feel better about him. Sometimes I do and then he'll go off on me again. 

[Will am I]

51 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

Yes, it is my dilemma. Do you mean that he's acting the way that he is, because he doesn't feel seen or heard?

I think: in part, yes. Doesn't feel appreciated, wanted, desired, seen, heard.

Not to excuse the kind of nasty passive-aggressive and even abusive behaviour he's been showing, but I think does partially explain.

 

51 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

He had said that he thinks that I might be staying with him for his income. I have checked out of the marriage, but he has treated me this way for a while, before I checked out. He has also been drinking and doing other substances, too. It's hard to even like him as a person, the way that he acts. He acts like I'm nothing. 

There seems to be a horrible dynamic in your marriage. He's drinking and being a less than nice person,  you're checking out, geting lonely and vulnerable until eventually finding love in other places, he's feeling that you're only with him for the money (which is actually true to a certain extent) and he starts getting nastier and nastier, causing you to withdraw more.

I have conflicting feelings on this. 

The good news: there still is a dynamic, even after these years of misery.

The bad news: the dynamic is toxic.

 

As long as there is a heartbeat between you two, there may be a chance of restoring the marriage. If you both want to, and if you both have or acquire the skills to do so.

 

I'm a little bit puzzled about your husband. From your stories he doesn't seem interested in putting any effort in improving the marriage. Yet at the same time he hasn't ended the marriage either. So basically he is opting for the third option, that is to let things continue as they are now. Which must be an unhappy situation for him. It feels strange to see a person opting for an unhappy life.

I think he's been self medicating to avoid the tough questions. Wonder what he would do if he would see clearly: divorce or attempt to fix.

 

51 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I try to be good company to him, but then he acts like he does. I am pretty laid back, but I don't want to be treated like the way he does. That's why I suggested couples counseling to him, I thought that it would help us talk things out. He doesn't want to go, though. 

Given the fact that he doesn't take any initiative regarding your marriage, you have to be the initiator. My strategy would be to force it into a T-junction. Left for divorce, right for therapy and a joint effort to improve. No straight ahead as that is probably the most painful option in the long run. This situation is slowly killing you both.

My advice is to come clean about everything. Your hurt and lonely feelings, your vulnerable state, your mistakes. And to express your love, to emphasize how much you really want to be with him but in a better marriage.

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I don't have contact with my daughter. Husband alienated her from me.

Can't you sneak and contact your daughter.  How long have you been estranged from her?  If you can sneak to see MM why can't you sneak and see/talk to her?

Edited November 3, 2022 by stillafool

[lftbehind]

13 hours ago, Will am I said:

I think: in part, yes. Doesn't feel appreciated, wanted, desired, seen, heard.

Not to excuse the kind of nasty passive-aggressive and even abusive behaviour he's been showing, but I think does partially explain.

 

There seems to be a horrible dynamic in your marriage. He's drinking and being a less than nice person,  you're checking out, geting lonely and vulnerable until eventually finding love in other places, he's feeling that you're only with him for the money (which is actually true to a certain extent) and he starts getting nastier and nastier, causing you to withdraw more.

I have conflicting feelings on this. 

The good news: there still is a dynamic, even after these years of misery.

The bad news: the dynamic is toxic.

 

As long as there is a heartbeat between you two, there may be a chance of restoring the marriage. If you both want to, and if you both have or acquire the skills to do so.

 

I'm a little bit puzzled about your husband. From your stories he doesn't seem interested in putting any effort in improving the marriage. Yet at the same time he hasn't ended the marriage either. So basically he is opting for the third option, that is to let things continue as they are now. Which must be an unhappy situation for him. It feels strange to see a person opting for an unhappy life.

I think he's been self medicating to avoid the tough questions. Wonder what he would do if he would see clearly: divorce or attempt to fix.

 

Given the fact that he doesn't take any initiative regarding your marriage, you have to be the initiator. My strategy would be to force it into a T-junction. Left for divorce, right for therapy and a joint effort to improve. No straight ahead as that is probably the most painful option in the long run. This situation is slowly killing you both.

My advice is to come clean about everything. Your hurt and lonely feelings, your vulnerable state, your mistakes. And to express your love, to emphasize how much you really want to be with him but in a better marriage.

 

I feel not appreciated, wanted, respected, seen or heard. I've wondered if he's staying with me, because he knows that I'm going to inheirit money. He's talked some about when I get it. 

There is a bad dynamic in the marriage that is toxic. 

He has drank and used substances most of his life, I'm not the cause of it. I don't know why he keeps acting in a way that makes me not want to be around him. I guess that he just doesn't care. Right now I feel like I don't want anything to do with him. I'm so tired of his continued mistreatment. He knows the effect that is has on me. 

What if he won't go to counseling? He didn't want to go before. Straight ahead is painful. 

I've told him that I've been lonely and feel like I can't talk to him and I don't feel like he's there for me. He didn't say much. I don't think that thinks that he does anything wrong in our relationship, he never apologizes. He acts like I'm the problem and I'm making him act the way that he does. 

[lftbehind]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

Can't you sneak and contact your daughter.  How long have you been estranged from her?  If you can sneak to see MM why can't you sneak and see/talk to her?

I don't have to sneak to contact my daughter. We have been estranged for a while. 

[Will am I]

2 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I feel not appreciated, wanted, respected, seen or heard. I've wondered if he's staying with me, because he knows that I'm going to inheirit money. He's talked some about when I get it. 

There is a bad dynamic in the marriage that is toxic. 

He has drank and used substances most of his life, I'm not the cause of it. I don't know why he keeps acting in a way that makes me not want to be around him. I guess that he just doesn't care. Right now I feel like I don't want anything to do with him. I'm so tired of his continued mistreatment. He knows the effect that is has on me. 

You married a man with some issues. 

Yet, even with the issues that were predating your relationship, there must have been some good sides to him? Please share a little bit about that?

 

2 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

What if he won't go to counseling? He didn't want to go before. Straight ahead is painful. 

I wonder: did he ever recognize that you will actually leave him if he doesn't get his act together?

Or were you too desperate to be in a relationship, causing him to think he can get away with anything? 

Or does he really not care about you or the marriage?

 

Either way, you need to toughen up girl.

 

2 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I've told him that I've been lonely and feel like I can't talk to him and I don't feel like he's there for me. He didn't say much.

My first feeeling with this is: he probably doesn't feel comfortable around these emotional talks and didn't know how to respond. If he's a stereotypical alcoholic, moments like these will primarily make him think about his next drink.

Something like: "wife is being emotional, this feels awkward., this is stressing me out, she wants to talk, I don't know how to handle these talks and I'm scared to get it out wrong, man I need a drink". (see how it starts with your emotions but turns into his stress level in a second? that's stereotypical for users, they make everything about themselves).

2 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I don't think that thinks that he does anything wrong in our relationship, he never apologizes. He acts like I'm the problem and I'm making him act the way that he does. 

Either he has serious limitations or a very bad mentality.

I wonder about his past relationships.

 

[lftbehind]

On 11/4/2022 at 2:54 AM, Will am I said:

You married a man with some issues. 

Yet, even with the issues that were predating your relationship, there must have been some good sides to him? Please share a little bit about that?

 

I wonder: did he ever recognize that you will actually leave him if he doesn't get his act together?

Or were you too desperate to be in a relationship, causing him to think he can get away with anything? 

Or does he really not care about you or the marriage?

 

Either way, you need to toughen up girl.

 

My first feeeling with this is: he probably doesn't feel comfortable around these emotional talks and didn't know how to respond. If he's a stereotypical alcoholic, moments like these will primarily make him think about his next drink.

Something like: "wife is being emotional, this feels awkward., this is stressing me out, she wants to talk, I don't know how to handle these talks and I'm scared to get it out wrong, man I need a drink". (see how it starts with your emotions but turns into his stress level in a second? that's stereotypical for users, they make everything about themselves).

Either he has serious limitations or a very bad mentality.

I wonder about his past relationships.

 

I wrote earlier, but I guess it didn't post  

He has a good sense of humor, he's smart, attractive and seems to care about me. He tries to be a good provider, too. 

I don't know if he thinks that I might leave. I am financially dependent, though. I think that he thinks that he can get away with anything, sometimes.

I think he cares about me and the marriage. 

He does feel uncomfortable with emotional talks. I don't talk about that kind of thing with him too much. He does make everything about himself at times. 

I think that he has a bad mentality when he gets upset. 

He drank and did substances with them, too. He was married before and it doesn't sound like it was romantic, more like a partnership. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/3/2022 at 11:16 AM, lftbehind said:

. I want to feel better about him. Sometimes I do and then he'll go off on me again. 

Have you read up on "abuse cycles"? Have you started getting support from Al-Anon? 

Have you seen a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Have you gotten a referral to a qualified therapist?

You seem to be hoping he changes into something he's not. 

Have you spoken to an attorney for an accurate assessment of your situation in the event of divorce?

Does your estrangement from family coincidence with being married to an abusive alcoholic?

These are questions to reflect on rather than if having an affair to run away from problems was a good idea or not.

These are things that could help your situation and dispell your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I wrote earlier, but I guess it didn't post  

He has a good sense of humor, he's smart, attractive and seems to care about me. He tries to be a good provider, too. 

The tragic about your marriage is that it doesn’t seem to be a clear “stay” or a clear “go”.

On the one hand, you’re desperate. And you present a situation that contains more than enough red flags to end a marriage over.

But then you write this and there really is a spark between you two.

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

 I think that he thinks that he can get away with anything, sometimes.

I think he cares about me and the marriage. 

Here’s your ambivalence perfectly captured in two conservative lines.

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

He does feel uncomfortable with emotional talks. I don't talk about that kind of thing with him too much. He does make everything about himself at times. 

The picture is one of emotional illiteracy, fleeing into substances to numb emotions, being unable to face the emotions let alone talk about them openly with hus wife.

My biggest fear would be that he might be genuinely unable to meet your emotional needs.

Unable is both better and worse than unwilling. Better because it’s no malicous intent, worse because it may be harder to change.

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I think that he has a bad mentality when he gets upset. 

I challenge that. I think it’s bad mentality where he allows himself to get in that angry and mean state. Once in that state, it’s more impulsive.

Maybe it’s not even bad mentality, but the lack of emotional skills to recognize rising levels of irritation before he derails.

5 hours ago, lftbehind said:

He drank and did substances with them, too. He was married before and it doesn't sound like it was romantic, more like a partnership. 

Frequent use of substances, especially use of substances as a coping mechanism to deal with emotions, stands in the way of emotional growth.