I'm feeling haunted

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

My husband has tried to be supportive and help me do things for her, but sometimes he has gotten frustrated and mad at her. He has been mean to her a few times [...]

I see your dilemma regarding your husband reflected in this sentence.

He shows good intentions, in supporting you, but at the same time he shows that he has real difficulty dealing with people. I mean, spending time with a person who suffers from dementia requires patience, tolerance and people skills. His frustration tells me that he gets involved personally and is unable to stay in his role. I think this is hard for him. And I wonder, maybe being in a marriage and deeply connecting to his wife is also hard for him?

If dealing with people is hard, having a drink and spending some time in your private alcohol and dopamine zone is relief. 

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

[...] and told her that he only has anything to do with her, because she is my mother.

Let's face it, this statement is factually correct.

But it is not a nice thing to say.

Knowing how to speak and when to be silent is also a people skill.

[lftbehind]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your mother seems well taken care of. Visit her on your own. Make the best of one-on-one time with her and seek support with dealing with cognitive disorders from the staff at the facility.

There's no need for your husband to tag along.

I take my husband to have a sense of family for everybody. We have had good times with my mom, too. I've been reading about dementia and reading stories by people that have had family members with it. I deal with my mom pretty well, but sometimes she is very hard to deal with. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, lftbehind said:

. We have had good times with my mom, too. 

Your mother is your family, not his. Since you claim he is "mean to her" and creates chaos on your visits with her it's better for everyone involved if you see your own mother one-on-one to avoid unnecessary stress and conflict for her, you or your husband.

However it's unclear what this issue has to do with your affair or if you want to divorce. Your mother is taken care of and seems fine.

Do you or your husband pay for her nursing home care or does it come from her own medicare or retirement funds? Is this the supposed inheritance you are expecting and apparently waiting for to see if you can afford divorce? 

Trying to tie in how your mother's nursing home care and visiting relates to your marriage.

 

[lftbehind]

19 hours ago, Will am I said:

I see your dilemma regarding your husband reflected in this sentence.

He shows good intentions, in supporting you, but at the same time he shows that he has real difficulty dealing with people. I mean, spending time with a person who suffers from dementia requires patience, tolerance and people skills. His frustration tells me that he gets involved personally and is unable to stay in his role. I think this is hard for him. And I wonder, maybe being in a marriage and deeply connecting to his wife is also hard for him?

If dealing with people is hard, having a drink and spending some time in your private alcohol and dopamine zone is relief. 

Let's face it, this statement is factually correct.

But it is not a nice thing to say.

Knowing how to speak and when to be silent is also a people skill.

He does have difficulty dealing with my mom sometimes. Once he gets mad, he doesn't control himself well. He does the same thing with me. It upsets me a lot when he acts like that with her. I would never treat a member of his family like that and I told him that. It's very disrespectful. It made me not want to be with him. Things with us will be going okay for a while and then he will act up again and I see why I don't feel emotionally safe with him. I don't know if I can. 

He generally is able to deal with people pretty well, but I think that the substances help him escape. 

I thought that he had good people skills. You would think that he would act better with family. 

[lftbehind]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your mother is your family, not his. Since you claim he is "mean to her" and creates chaos on your visits with her it's better for everyone involved if you see your own mother one-on-one to avoid unnecessary stress and conflict for her, you or your husband.

However it's unclear what this issue has to do with your affair or if you want to divorce. Your mother is taken care of and seems fine.

Do you or your husband pay for her nursing home care or does it come from her own medicare or retirement funds? Is this the supposed inheritance you are expecting and apparently waiting for to see if you can afford divorce? 

Trying to tie in how your mother's nursing home care and visiting relates to your marriage.

 

We get along most of the time when we visit her. I would think that we are all family. 

It doesn't have to do with the affair or divorce. 

It is paid for by her long-term care insurance and her funds. I'm not waiting for my inheritance, I hope that I don't get it for a while. 

 

[Will am I]

35 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

He does have difficulty dealing with my mom sometimes. […]It's very disrespectful.

I wonder how intentional this is.

It sounds like he interacts with her, she’ll be a handful (as dementia sufferers can be), he gets emotionally involved and snaps at her.

He should learn to recognize his rising level of irritation and step into another, less involved role.

To me this sounds primarily like a skills issue and only secondarily as a mentality issue.

35 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

It made me not want to be with him. Things with us will be going okay for a while and then he will act up again and I see why I don't feel emotionally safe with him. I don't know if I can. 

Understandable.

35 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

He generally is able to deal with people pretty well, but I think that the substances help him escape. 

I thought that he had good people skills. You would think that he would act better with family. 

I think he may have reasonably well developed people skills but poor emotional intelligence.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

We get along most of the time when we visit her. I would think that we are all family. 

It doesn't have to do with the affair or divorce. 

It is paid for by her long-term care insurance and her funds. I'm not waiting for my inheritance, I hope that I don't get it for a while. 

 

Ok. Your mother is well taken care of so that's an unrated issue. Don't bring your husband as it's unnecessary stress for everyone.

Focus on why you're unhappily married and if you can do something productive to change that. 

Perhaps be polite yet involved with him since you don't want to divorce and have to deal with him.

Find other outlets. Friends, family, sports, fitness, volunteering, a side job,  club and groups, classes or courses.

Stay very busy outside of the house. Consider some support groups for people dealing with dementia or some classes that are fun like yoga, etc. Depending on your husband too much when you claim he's angry and drinks, won't make you happy.

There's plenty of healthful productive things you can do, since you don't want divorce or therapy, that could improve the quality of your personal happiness.

 

Edited November 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[lftbehind]

8 hours ago, Will am I said:

I wonder how intentional this is.

It sounds like he interacts with her, she’ll be a handful (as dementia sufferers can be), he gets emotionally involved and snaps at her.

He should learn to recognize his rising level of irritation and step into another, less involved role.

To me this sounds primarily like a skills issue and only secondarily as a mentality issue.

Understandable.

I think he may have reasonably well developed people skills but poor emotional intelligence.

I think that he needs to control himself better. I've been doing most of the things that need to be done for her. I told him to just walk away from her or hang up the phone, before he gets to the point that he starts being mean to her. 

He may have skills issues, but his attitude can be bad, too. 

 

[lftbehind]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Your mother is well taken care of so that's an unrated issue. Don't bring your husband as it's unnecessary stress for everyone.

Focus on why you're unhappily married and if you can do something productive to change that. 

Perhaps be polite yet involved with him since you don't want to divorce and have to deal with him.

Find other outlets. Friends, family, sports, fitness, volunteering, a side job,  club and groups, classes or courses.

Stay very busy outside of the house. Consider some support groups for people dealing with dementia or some classes that are fun like yoga, etc. Depending on your husband too much when you claim he's angry and drinks, won't make you happy.

There's plenty of healthful productive things you can do, since you don't want divorce or therapy, that could improve the quality of your personal happiness.

 

I try to be polite with him and just get along. 

I work a lot, so I have little free time to do anything else. 

I'll look into some other things that I can do that are healthful and productive. I'm tired and feeling down a lot and it's hard. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I'm tired and feeling down a lot and it's hard. 

You complain about being tired a lot.  Maybe it's time for a check up.

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

I think that he needs to control himself better. I've been doing most of the things that need to be done for her.

Which is a logical task for you, being the daughter.

His task as the son in law is to support his wife when she’s emotionally burdained.

 

 

[lftbehind]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

You complain about being tired a lot.  Maybe it's time for a check up.

I've had check ups. 

[lftbehind]

13 hours ago, Will am I said:

Which is a logical task for you, being the daughter.

His task as the son in law is to support his wife when she’s emotionally burdained.

 

 

That's all true. 

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I've had check ups. 

You are struggling in a difficult marriage for years. That can drain energy.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I've had check ups. 

Oh, well if health is good try working out.  That helps to increase energy and helps with depression.

[lftbehind]

20 hours ago, Will am I said:

You are struggling in a difficult marriage for years. That can drain energy.

It sure can drain energy, that and working a lot. 

[lftbehind]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

Oh, well if health is good try working out.  That helps to increase energy and helps with depression.

I have a few health issues. I'm in pretty good shape, but could always get better. 

[Will am I]

35 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

It sure can drain energy, that and working a lot. 

I wonder: is your husband open to talking?

I mean, you do have a somewhat positive message for him. Even with all that's wrong and all that happened (and forgive me for being candid) even with the moments you derailed and found affection with other men, we read that you do want your husband. But at the same time you're desperate to receive more love.

Now if he is still into you, and you would plead that you love him and long for him to make you feel more love, he's bound to respond.  

[lftbehind]

On 11/14/2022 at 4:45 AM, Will am I said:

I wonder: is your husband open to talking?

I mean, you do have a somewhat positive message for him. Even with all that's wrong and all that happened (and forgive me for being candid) even with the moments you derailed and found affection with other men, we read that you do want your husband. But at the same time you're desperate to receive more love.

Now if he is still into you, and you would plead that you love him and long for him to make you feel more love, he's bound to respond.  

Maybe he's open to talking. I'm trying to see things from his viewpoint, thank you for helping me do that. We do say that we love each other regularly. 

When you're together with someone for awhile, a lot of time you lose romance and it can be hard to be romantic with them. I guess that I want more respect from him, sometimes I feel like he doesn't think much of me and he thinks that he can treat me however he wants to. I think that he tries to treat me well, but sometimes he slips. 

I'm not sure how to tell him that I need more love. He will probably want for me to tell him specifically what to do. 

[Will am I]

I’ll quote our couples counselor: 

“Women want to be loved (and respected); men want to be respected (and loved)”.

Essentially we all want the same two things, but the emphasis can be different.

About infidelity: don’t put all your cards on the table. For you to find love in your marriage and to break this habit of finding love with other men is the first step. Don’t confess things that may be ongoing (even though your AP moved out of state, the underlying pattern may not have been healed just yet). 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

I think that he tries to treat me well, but sometimes he slips. 

Are you affectionate towards him and do you tell him you love him?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

We do say that we love each other regularly. 

I see that you do.  Then build from there.  Do something romantic and see if he responds.  

[lftbehind]

14 hours ago, Will am I said:

I’ll quote our couples counselor: 

“Women want to be loved (and respected); men want to be respected (and loved)”.

Essentially we all want the same two things, but the emphasis can be different.

About infidelity: don’t put all your cards on the table. For you to find love in your marriage and to break this habit of finding love with other men is the first step. Don’t confess things that may be ongoing (even though your AP moved out of state, the underlying pattern may not have been healed just yet). 

I've heard that before. I want to feel like he has respect enough for me to treat me well, when he doesn't I feel helpless. 

I do need to break the habit of finding love with other men, it's very important. I feel bad about it. 

[lftbehind]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

I see that you do.  Then build from there.  Do something romantic and see if he responds.  

I will do something romantic and see if he responds. I would like to make things better with him. 

[pepperbird2]

On 11/13/2022 at 6:10 AM, lftbehind said:

I've had check ups. 

Op,

I’m married to a man with mental health issues, and it’s not always an easy road. Like your spouse, he can be extremely mean at times, and he’s not exactly what’d I’d call supportive all the time.

You sound like me,waiting and hoping things would get better. I figured if I could just be nice enough, good looking enough, was a good enough cook/ housekeeper, if I earned more at my work.

 

the truth as, there was nothing I could do. That’s. Because it wasn’t my problem. It was his. Until he wanted help, nothing would get any better. I eventually told him to either ge help Or I was leaving an taking our kids too. I loved him so much, but I was losing myself.

 

He got help, but it’s been a hard go. Hard for him and us as well.

 

tha’s what was so hard. I loved him so much, but that wasn’t enough. Just because you love your spouse , that doesn’t mean you can stay married to him. If he refuses counselling, how much does he really care?