Where do I go next?

[beatrix_xx]

Hi all,

I'm new to here, but I am in desperate need of some help, advice, another pair of eyes to see this situation.

I (31 yo) have been in an enjoyable 7 month affair with my boss, who is 15 years my senior. We get on incredibly well, speak most days over messenger outside of work, and definitely have a connection, although we have both agreed it wouldn't progress to anything more. We are both attached to other people - I have a partner who I have been with for 7 years, and I am mostly happy. He has 3 children with a woman he has been with for 13 years. Although he is attached, he hasn't had sex with his partner for almost 4 years; they are living together, but he describes them as "housemates with kids". It's important to note that I am the only person who knows their physical situation. We have discussed it at length, 

Two days ago, I had a message from him saying he was having a really bad moment, but he didn't feel he had the right to. Essentially, he found out that his partner was messaging other men on Facebook. He was talking to me about it because he didn't feel like there was anybody else. Since he found these messages, he has confronted her about them, and they have made the decision to separate. He is devastated - he's described himself as emotionally broken, hurting and trying to keep it together.

My thoughts are all over the place. I am barely sleeping, this has been all I have thought about. There is a constant tightness in my stomach and at times I just want to cry. I don't know why I am feeling this way... whether it's knowing the pain he is going through and not being able to do anything to help, being the only person who knows and the only one he can talk to about it, the fact he is shutting me off? I don't know if it's because I am guilt ridden, whether I am devastated this could mean it would all come to an end?

The worst thing is I am unable to talk to anybody about his situation, or my own feelings, because it's all underpinned by our secret affair. I feel so alone with this.

I am unclear of what the best direction is for me to take now. I desperately want to be there for him and support him, but I am struggling. He has said a couple of times that I am not the person for him to talk to about this, yet he won't open up to anybody else, and he continues to tell me how upset and hurt he feels. 

Any help would be so appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, beatrix_xx said:

  He has said a couple of times that I am not the person for him to talk to about this, 

Sorry this is happening. Focus on yourself and your own relationship. There's no need to help him. That's for him and his partner to work through.

You can talk to someone privately and confidentiality about your distress both with the affair and your own relationship. Get a referral to a qualified therapist to unpack and sort all this out and for ongoing support.

Don't be his therapist or attorney. He and his partner need to work out what to do with their situation and children. 

Step far away and don't be a shoulder to cry on. The roommates story is a typical one. Don't get involved further.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

He has said a couple of times that I am not the person for him to talk to about this

This is correct, you are his employee - not his counsellor, or his wife, or his friend. 

He is a grown man, he will deal with his own life. He is very capable of finding a counsellor, or seeking support from friends and family. If he is not talking about his personal problems with any of your coworkers, he shouldn’t be talking about this with you. 

You should be focused on your own relationship, your own children, your own career. You need to take a BIG step back - lest you find yourself unemployed, looking for work, and divorced. 

I’m sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear but you have become way too involved in your bosses personal life. It’s time for a reality check - it’s time to step back. Good luck.

Edited October 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

Direct him gently to a counsellor trained to deal with separation and relationship breakdown. His priorities are successful coparenting with his partner regardless of their relationship and acknowledging that his relationship is over. 

If you believe for one second any of this has to do with you, pause and bring yourself down to earth. You weren’t the cause of his break up but you are in the crosshairs because of your emotions. This man has a long, long, long road of recovery and healing. 

What’s going on in your relationship where you’re continuing to stay with a man whom you don’t respect or can’t be honest with?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

I don't know if it's because I am guilt ridden, whether I am devastated this could mean it would all come to an end?

I think some of your distress comes from the fact that you're seeing he actually really wants to be with his wife. He doesn't want to be without her. Even though he has been sleeping with you, he evidently is still very much attached to her and it's her that has his heart. Not you. He is not so checked out of his marriage that he doesn't fear losing her. As you can see, the very thought of losing her is devastating. 

3 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

He has said a couple of times that I am not the person for him to talk to about this

He is right - you aren't.  He will find someone else to talk to, so don't try to position yourself as his support system. 

Edited October 30, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think some of your distress comes from the fact that you're seeing he actually really wants to be with his wife.

Either that, or they will separate and he won’t need a supportive ‘friend’ at work anymore.

It’s highly unlikely that he will be interested in bringing this relationship into the light and legitimizing it - that’s a difficult position for him, as your boss. I wouldn’t allow myself to think for a moment that this would become an actual relationship with the man. If anything, this is likely the beginning of the end of your ‘enjoyable’ workplace affair. 

Edited October 30, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

If I were you I would ask him why is he upset that his wife has been plotting to see another man when he has you?  It would seem that he should be happy to know that another guy will be taking care of her sexual needs so he can devote more time to having sex with you.  Ask him why he considers this a problem rather than a blessing.

[Luna66star]

I'm sorry you are in this situation and hurting. Naturally you want to help as it sounds like you are very empathetic and caring.

This man is in a mess and his marriage is in peril.  I would steer him to a Counsellor and refrain from getting your helping hand involved.  He should have kept your relationship strictly professional & kept personal things to himself.  Draw a boundary here and say to him you hope he can work it out.  Then distance yourself politely.  Unfortunately he will still likely call you in distress.  Be strong and firm.  He's lucky he hasn't been in the dog house with HR.

 

 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

Overall I'd agree  that the best course of action is probably to leave him in peace and let him get his life in order. Divorce is a big deal.

It seems you're taking a lot of risks here, given that this is a work supervisor + you aren't going to have him unless you leave your own partner. Whether you want to continue to do that is up to you, although going NC can sometimes be easier said than done.

On 10/30/2022 at 3:06 AM, beatrix_xx said:

My thoughts are all over the place. I am barely sleeping, this has been all I have thought about. There is a constant tightness in my stomach and at times I just want to cry. I don't know why I am feeling this way...

Any help would be so appreciated.

If your thoughts feel constant and "intrusive" you may have developed limerence for him. I believe dysfunctional/"can't have" situations sometimes trigger/intensify it.

IF that's the case, it's unfortunately a neurological change (with some similarities to addiction and OCD), and there is little one can do except wait it out (generally several months to a few years). I think you may be in for a rough 2023, unfortunately.

Making it essentially impossible to see him might "shut it off" mostly but that might not be feasible with a co-worker (unless you are willing to change jobs). Otherwise there's little one can do except stay distracted and continue to engage in normal life without the person.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[Whaatamidoing]

I am aware that I could be sounding bitter (I'm working on myself).

I was involved with someone older. It may or may not be the case but I can see massive amounts of manipulation in what you write. 

All men looking for an affair say they are not physical with their wives. I understand that in some relationships it does happen, but not many. It might not be as wild and fun as when they first met but most people in relationships have sex. He is telling you this to justify his affair with you and you believe it because why would he lie to you, right?

He is confiding in you about his wife messaging other people because it paints him as a victim in his relationship. So what we now have is poor powerful man (Boss) who doesn't have an intimate relationship with his wife and is now the victim of her messaging other men. It is all designed, perhaps not on purpose but to reel you in, to make you think poor him, he deserves to have an affair with me because of all the trauma he is going through.

Lets be realistic, who is he to talk to you about how upset he is by this situation when he has been doing exactly the same behind her back and worse.

I know you may choose not to take in what I have written but your story is so similar to so many other women who have been manipulated by men to think their relationship is special and that he is a victim in his own life.

Please do some Googling and you will see how this happens to people time and time again, its almost textbook. Please also use it as an opportunity to break things off before you have no job and a broken heart, trust me I have been there.

 

[stillafool]

Even if his wife has taken an interest in another man why should you be his crutch while he deals with it?  You give him sex, a listening ear, compliments which helps to keep his ego high so he doesn't feel like such a loser whose wife now desires other men.  She probably isn't giving him sex anymore.

[beatrix_xx]

Thank you all for your replies, it’s really kind for you to take the time out to read and help me.

Unfortunately, I am still struggling. Probably moreso.

An update: they are “separating” but still living together. He wants to have a conversation with her to try and sort it “for the kids”.

I really feel used…affairs often involve being used anyway.. but this feels heavier. He says his ego is bruised, and he talks about her still a lot - the fact she’s still playing happy families hurts him, that she doesn’t care where he is going out to and who with, that she hasn’t spoken to him about their relationship since he confronted her and he feels she doesn’t intend to…

I am trying to still be a friend and support him, but the other day, he moved in to kiss me. We did, very passionately, and it led to other things. Afterwards I just felt so terrible, because he started talking about her again.

I am at a huge loss of what to do. Something needs to change and I know I need to act now.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, beatrix_xx said:

An update: they are “separating” but still living together. He wants to have a conversation with her to try and sort it “for the kids”.

In other words, they are still married and living together. Full stop. 

1 hour ago, beatrix_xx said:

I am trying to still be a friend and support him

My best advice, save yourself a lot of time and trouble and stop trying to be his friend. You can’t be his friend when you have romantic feelings for the man. What’s more, you are not his wife. You are not his girlfriend. Why are you offering your love and support to a man who is married to another woman and clearly, still very much focused on his marriage? Why are you trying to give to him, at your own expense? 

Even if he was to file for divorce and move out tomorrow, it would be a really long time before he’s ready to be in a relationship with you. Really long. Read that again - even if he was to file for divorce, it will take him years to get his divorce settled, establish his own residence, settle into a new normal with his kids… 

And at this moment, he has yet to file for divorce. Or leave the marital home. 

1 hour ago, beatrix_xx said:

I am at a huge loss of what to do. Something needs to change and I know I need to act now.

No, you know exactly what you have to do, you just don’t want to do it. You know it’s time to let go and put some distance between you. That’s what that feeling was when you had sex with the man and he started talking to you about his wife before he even had his clothes on. Let him sort out his marriage and if/when he comes looking for you with divorce papers in hand, then you talk. Until then, you gather up your self respect and your dignity and find the courage to let this go. Love yourself more than that you love this man.

Edited November 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

I am trying to still be a friend and support him

Why?

You cannot be his friend, and should not support him. You really need to start working on your self-resepct and boundaries, because he's completely taking advantage of the fact you lack both. 

This was going to end sooner or later betwee you. Now is going to be that time. He's hung up on his wife and you're filling the void for him. 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

Thank you all for your replies, it’s really kind for you to take the time out to read and help me.

Unfortunately, I am still struggling. Probably moreso.

An update: they are “separating” but still living together. He wants to have a conversation with her to try and sort it “for the kids”.

I really feel used…affairs often involve being used anyway.. but this feels heavier. He says his ego is bruised, and he talks about her still a lot - the fact she’s still playing happy families hurts him, that she doesn’t care where he is going out to and who with, that she hasn’t spoken to him about their relationship since he confronted her and he feels she doesn’t intend to…

I am trying to still be a friend and support him, but the other day, he moved in to kiss me. We did, very passionately, and it led to other things. Afterwards I just felt so terrible, because he started talking about her again.

I am at a huge loss of what to do. Something needs to change and I know I need to act now.

She's making it clear to him she doesn't care where he goes or who he sees and it's eating him alive.  She definitely doesn't want sex with him so he's using you for that but still obsessed with her.  How long are you going to allow that?  He's never going to want you the way you want him to.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He's never going to want you the way you want him to.

If he did, he could move out this week and file for divorce. His wife apparently doesn’t care. The children will deal - they won’t be the first in their class to be from a divorced family. But no, he is focused on his wife because he doesn’t want to leave - he wants her to invest and the fact that she isn’t is really troubling him…

You’ve scratched his itch for another week or two - now that this is done, he is again focused on his wife and his family. That must not feel good for you at all… how many times are you prepared to repeat the pattern…

Edited November 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

An update: they are “separating” but still living together. He wants to have a conversation with her to try and sort it “for the kids”.

He means he wants to continue begging her not to leave him and he will try to guilt trip her by using the kids to stop the separation.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

I really feel used… the other day, he moved in to kiss me. We did, very passionately, and it led to other things. Afterwards I just felt so terrible, because he started talking about her again.

Try to avoid him. Don't be his friend. Don't allow yourself to be his therapist or sexual outlet while he pines for her.

[Will am I]

18 hours ago, beatrix_xx said:

An update: they are “separating” but still living together. He wants to have a conversation with her to try and sort it “for the kids”.

Don't buy that. This kind of talk "I'm so unhappy in my marriage / the marriage is over except for the legal formalities / I'm only in the home for the kids" can stretch on for years. If he's really divircing, he will. Or probably would have already. But don't let him keep you on a leash like that.

[spiritedaway2003]

I've learned a lot from my own saga, so my advice for you:

1) You're not his friend nor his support for his marital issues.  Divorce is a big deal for most people and that will take time to sort through - often years.  He needs to figure out his marriage on his own - that is between him and his wife, no one else.   Choose NOT to engage.  There is empathy and there is not getting involved in something that would add significant complications to your life.  If he needs support, refer him to a trained professional.  You need to guard your boundaries.  It's your only fail-safe in this situation.  It will be a big lesson to learn down the line if you don't pay heed. 

2) You have both already put your jobs at risk.  If he chooses to not keep it professional, you can also threaten him to report to HR.  That should give him pause, at a minimum.  And there is a power differential in play.  Are you uncomfortable saying no?  If you care about your job or your sanity with your job, also consider looking elsewhere.  You will not be able to go NC or disengage when you work and see each other frequently. 

3) Don't settle for any he's in the "process of separating" or "will take time to separate".  Either they are- specifically, someone makes a move to "physically" separate.  Or they aren't.  Full stop.  Don't make excuses for yourself or him.  When you see things as they are, you'll be able to to make better decisions for yourself.

Edited November 7, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[basil67]

Further to not giving him support....when you support him, you're enabling him to stay in the situation.  Thing is, each time he vents to you, he feels better afterwards.  And if he's feeling better, then he's less likely to do anything about it.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Further to not giving him support....when you support him, you're enabling him to stay in the situation.  Thing is, each time he vents to you, he feels better afterwards.  And if he's feeling better, then he's less likely to do anything about it.

It goes without saying, the same can be said about sex. 

[Will am I]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The children will deal - they won’t be the first in their class to be from a divorced family.

https://risingphoenixpodcast.com/

Episode 84, around 54 minutes in. A therapist speaks about the impact of divorce on children.

When we truly have our children in mind, we don't postpone the divorce.

 

[glows]

On 11/5/2022 at 6:42 PM, beatrix_xx said:

I am trying to still be a friend and support him, but the other day, he moved in to kiss me. We did, very passionately, and it led to other things. Afterwards I just felt so terrible, because he started talking about her again.

I am at a huge loss of what to do. Something needs to change and I know I need to act now.

No real friend would do that - sleep with you while moaning about someone else. He’s completely lost it and broken about his marriage and using the nearest person who cares. I am sorry but this is something you’ll have to pull yourself out of and learn not to accept when it comes to romance. The longer you stay the more it will hurt you.

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by glows

[mark clemson]

You are his confidante, so now he (somewhat understandably) seems to be letting you slip into the role of therapist as well.

Since it's (again understandably) distressing you, ask the he save this stuff for a real therapist. That real therapist might help him sort out what he actually wants WRT you as well.

I should warn you that, from what I read around here, men who have a lot of options tend to not end up with their OW. There are exceptions, but the % may be on the order of 5% or less. So if you're hoping to "win him in the end" suggest you try to be realistic about your chances.