Where do I go next?

[glows]

On 11/5/2022 at 6:42 PM, beatrix_xx said:

I am trying to still be a friend and support him, but the other day, he moved in to kiss me. We did, very passionately, and it led to other things. Afterwards I just felt so terrible, because he started talking about her again.

I am at a huge loss of what to do. Something needs to change and I know I need to act now.

No real friend would do that - sleep with you while moaning about someone else. He’s completely lost it and broken about his marriage and using the nearest person who cares. I am sorry but this is something you’ll have to pull yourself out of and learn not to accept when it comes to romance. The longer you stay the more it will hurt you.

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by glows

[mark clemson]

You are his confidante, so now he (somewhat understandably) seems to be letting you slip into the role of therapist as well.

Since it's (again understandably) distressing you, ask the he save this stuff for a real therapist. That real therapist might help him sort out what he actually wants WRT you as well.

I should warn you that, from what I read around here, men who have a lot of options tend to not end up with their OW. There are exceptions, but the % may be on the order of 5% or less. So if you're hoping to "win him in the end" suggest you try to be realistic about your chances.

[S2B]

Get some professional help. Especially help with boundaries and issues with codependency.

think about this - he’s sleeping with you while he’s telling you he wants his wife to stay with him.

That is just icky 

[pepperbird2]

On 11/5/2022 at 10:42 PM, beatrix_xx said:

Thank you all for your replies, it’s really kind for you to take the time out to read and help me.

Unfortunately, I am still struggling. Probably moreso.

An update: they are “separating” but still living together. He wants to have a conversation with her to try and sort it “for the kids”.

I really feel used…affairs often involve being used anyway.. but this feels heavier. He says his ego is bruised, and he talks about her still a lot - the fact she’s still playing happy families hurts him, that she doesn’t care where he is going out to and who with, that she hasn’t spoken to him about their relationship since he confronted her and he feels she doesn’t intend to…

I am trying to still be a friend and support him, but the other day, he moved in to kiss me. We did, very passionately, and it led to other things. Afterwards I just felt so terrible, because he started talking about her again.

I am at a huge loss of what to do. Something needs to change and I know I need to act now.

You’re not his friend. If you were , you would never have gotten involved with him romantically because of the risk he could get hurt. 

At best, right now, you are a combination  therapist and emotional dumping ground. He  is drowning is the mess he made of his life, and he will pull you under too if you let him. 

[pepperbird2]

On 11/7/2022 at 11:22 AM, glows said:

No real friend would do that - sleep with you while moaning about someone else. He’s completely lost it and broken about his marriage and using the nearest person who cares. I am sorry but this is something you’ll have to pull yourself out of and learn not to accept when it comes to romance. The longer you stay the more it will hurt you.

 

It really makes me wonder what’s going on with his wife. I wonder if his story of her seeking other men is even true, or if it’s just more “ poor me” .

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Here’s the deal. The man she’s married to is the exact same man you are involved with. Seeking attention from other women while then complaining that she would dare do the same. Many MM get away with it because some how they convince the OW that it’s because the OW is his savior. He’s only acting like this because the wife is .. awful… cheating… lazy… insert what ever excuse here. Truth be told, he’s doing what he wants, what he’s led to do… that’s who HE is and not because of who he’s with. Not because of who she is or who you are. He’s being manipulative and very, very selfish. It’s seems understandable when you’re on the side of awesome savior but it won’t when you’re on the receiving end. 
 

Your gut is telling you what your heart doesn’t want to hear. You’re experiencing psychological stress known as cognitive dissonance. It will eat you up and affect your health. Trust your gut on this one so you don’t get hurt any further.