LostGirl1010 Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) I'm so confused about my relationship. I've been with my bf for over a year. Early in our relationship he said he wanted to marry me some day. For me marriage is an important point for the future. I know not everyone wants or believe in marriage but it is important to me so this is one of the reasons our relationship lasted so long. I love him obviously and believing marriage was on the cards in the future that gave me more reason to want our relationship to work. We've reached other important milestones and our relationship is good but now he says he never wants to get married. Apparently marriage ruins relationships and it's something he will never want. Now I'm so confused. I love him and want to be with him but I also want the future he had me believe was possible before. It has left me questioning our relationship, my own worth, and his love for me. I'm not sure how to go forward with our relationship without this damaging it. Edited October 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Clarify title Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 There is no going forward if you're are not getting your heart's desire. You need to find the strength to say goodbye and find a guy who wants the same things you do and stop wasting your time with this one. You will resent him if you stay. How old are you two? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostGirl1010 Posted October 30, 2022 Author Share Posted October 30, 2022 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: There is no going forward if you're are not getting your heart's desire. You need to find the strength to say goodbye and find a guy who wants the same things you do and stop wasting your time with this one. You will resent him if you stay. How old are you two? We're both in our 30's. I wasn't expecting marriage soon but he always lead me to believe some day it would happen. Now I'm wondering if he's always known it wasn't an option but said it to string me along. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 34 minutes ago, LostGirl1010 said: We've reached other important milestones and our relationship is good but now he says he never wants to get married. Apparently marriage ruins relationships and it's something he will never want. Now I'm so confused. I love him and want to be with him but I also want the future he had me believe was possible before. It has left me questioning our relationship, my own worth, and his love for me. I'm not sure how to go forward with our relationship without this damaging it. Sorry this is happening. When did his turnabout happen? A year is a good time to see if you're a good fit, unfortunately he was talking the talk but now won't walk the walk. Do you feel like it's a bait-and-switch after you've become invested? What milestones? Living together? Reflect if someone insincere or who says things merely as means to an end is someone you could trust. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 10 minutes ago, LostGirl1010 said: We're both in our 30's. I wasn't expecting marriage soon but he always lead me to believe some day it would happen. Now I'm wondering if he's always known it wasn't an option but said it to string me along. It's doubtful he was lying when he told you he wanted marriage but time goes so fast and as it progressed he realizes he doesn't really want that. It's okay to change his mind but you haven't changed yours about wanting marriage so now you're no longer compatible. Are you willing to give up what you want in order to keep him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 If you have your heart set on marriage, and aren't willing to compromise on that, then you'll have to walk away from this relationship. It's weird that he said he wanted to get married, but now has changed his mind. It makes me wonder if his feelings for you have changed and he's not as into this relationship as he was in the beginning. I would consider that. And that would be all the more reason to walk away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 30, 2022 Share Posted October 30, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, LostGirl1010 said: Apparently marriage ruins relationships and it's something he will never want. It’s over a year of dating. Do you live together? What milestones did you cross? What he said, quoted above, makes no sense. Marriage doesn’t ruin relationships. Poor decisions, lack of respect, not enough consideration, thoughtlessness, duplicity and incompatible people result in dysfunctional relationships. Ironically he’s perpetuating those things by shooting out shoddy logic without having a decent heart to heart or figuring out what’s really eating at him. Is he aware that he hurt you and you’re rethinking the relationship? Is someone he knows going through a marriage breakdown? Are you both still in school/college? Have there been any life changes recently? He’s entitled to changing his mind but not without at least some respect to you. What do you think changed his mind? I hope he’s not assuming you’d stay if this isn’t what you want? Edited October 30, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 Ouch this is so sad. I really feel for you. ‘Love is complicated. If marriage is very important to you then you need to stick to your guns and leave him. Be honest with him why you are leaving. ‘Do not take him back if he changes his “mind”. So many women get strung along only to find out too late that they have wasted child bearing years. ‘there are plenty of men out there looking to marry and have a family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 I'm sorry this has happened, OP. I don't see how you two can move forward together when your future goals are fundamentally incompatible. How did it come out that he doesn't want to get married anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 (edited) Unfortunately, people can and do change their minds. We all have that freedom. I'm sorry though. I hope you will break up and move on. One of my close friends was in a relationship with a great women during our 20's. He did love her but did not want to marry; in fact he had already been divorced. His gf kept pressing about the marriage and hung in there for years. He did not want to break up, as he was happy the way things were. Finally she got her way. They got married. Very unhappily. He now felt like he'd been untrue to himself (he had) and was much less able to give of himself to that relationship than he'd been prior to the marriage. Both of them were very good people and they did share a love, but it went bad and a lot of avoidable pain happened. Ultimately they divorced. His ex was devastated and it took her years to get back to a good place. He ended up meeting the true love of his life on the street in San Francisco and they ended up marrying (they both wanted to) and having a wonderful life. Sadly, he died from cancer 2 years ago. His widow still misses him every day. His ex wife? She spent YEARS of low self esteem and bad choices. Finally, though, over 10 years ago she met the true love of HER life. They both are having a wonderful time sharing life together. Edited October 31, 2022 by NuevoYorko Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 7, 2022 Share Posted November 7, 2022 (edited) On 10/30/2022 at 3:52 PM, LostGirl1010 said: We're both in our 30's. I wasn't expecting marriage soon but he always lead me to believe some day it would happen. Now I'm wondering if he's always known it wasn't an option but said it to string me along. Maybe he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear? I have been in a relationship with a commitment-phobe for 5 years and several years ago we would talk about marriage and living together. But looking at it in hindsight it was me bringing those convos up and him answering so he may have just been saying that because he felt pressured or its what I wanted to hear. Now he doesnt talk about it at all but says marriage and even living together scares him. Not sure if these guys mean to be stringers (even though thats technically what they are) but I think they are hoping that maybe they will somehow “get over it” rather then risk losing us. If you are in your 30’s then yes, get out now. Edited November 8, 2022 by Lauriebell82 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted November 8, 2022 Share Posted November 8, 2022 OP, I am sorry to say but you are going to waste your time (and your youth) if you decide to stay with this guy. Two separate dating coaches told that it takes a guy one years to make up his mind weather or not he sees a woman that he is dating as a marriage material. In other words, it takes guys one year to make up his mind if he wants to marry you or not. Or so I was told. And it seems to be just a case with you and this guy. He told you that he doesn't want to marry you so do a right thing for yourself by not prolonging this anymore. The longer you stay, the harder it is going to be for you. P.S. Don't be surprised if you find out one day he got married to someone else after a relatively short time of dating. Let's just say the rest is the history once he meets a woman that he totally feels that she is the "one" for him. On 10/30/2022 at 1:26 PM, LostGirl1010 said: It has left me questioning our relationship, my own worth, and his love for me. Oh, this is not good at all. Get out before you start feeling completely broken. You worth a lot more than just a status of your relationship. On 10/30/2022 at 1:26 PM, LostGirl1010 said: I'm not sure how to go forward with our relationship without this damaging it. Do you think there is anything left in this relationship or it has reached out it's logical conclusion? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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