Feelings for my cousin's husband

[gbadboy]

[ ] 

Let me begin by saying I 100% understand I am wrong here. The purpose of this post is to seek advice on what to do next.

I'm a male early 40s and gay (not 100% out but pretty much it's known in the family). I've known my cousin's husband (LET'S CALL HIM "Miles". Miles is in his late 30s )   for almost 14 years now (they've been married for 12 ish years). As I consider him my own cousin, we would message each other often (as cousins) and built a nice cousin relationship. He would often invite me to come spend time at their place and always stayed by my place whenever they were in town. I live in Canada and they are in the US. He would also often invite me to family trips abroad with them etc. - all in the name of "cousin hood" of course.

However, in the last 4 years or so, I began to develop feelings for Miles. It began with infatuation and grew into something more. I should have put a stop to these feelings, but you like who you like and I couldn't control what I was feeling.  

Miles is straight of course but knows I am gay and has embraced that. He often asks me questions about my life etc. and when we drink and hang out he will often make gay jokes about me (which I am 100% OK with b/c it's funny!)....sometimes the gay jokes confuse me though as I wonder if he's flirting with me - hard to say.

This year I took it a step further and started to now make more direct flirting jokes with him, some of them were very overt - and he would laugh it off.

In March this year we attended a bachelor party in Portland, and on 3 occasions he came and sat beside me on the couch, put his arm around me and I would kinda embrace that....and kinda tickle his leg -  very minor flirting - he never pulled away though, which I thought was weird.    However nothing more happened, except we did have deeper conversations about my lifestyle - more sexual in nature, what I'm into etc. etc.    But that was it......nothing "happend".

Fast forward to this summer and this is where all hell breaks loose....

Miles invited me to come spend a week at him and his wife's (my cousin) home.....they have 3 small kids.   So I went as its been 3 years since I visited them ( Covid restrictions had closed the border for a few years). He said he would throw me a pool party on Saturday and we would invite all of our other cousins and some friends to it.   When I arrived, Miles also mentioned that a family friend ( a guy named Alan) would also be coming to stay at their place for a few days and how Alan would also attend the pool party.

To be honest, I was upset that Miles invited Alan to also come spend time at the house....and while I've known Alan for many years [Alan is good friends with my brother and we introduced him into the family. So my cousins got to know Alan through my brother and I]     and they cool - I didn't want my time with Miles to be share with this guy. Yes I sound quite selfish  - I'm not proud of it.

I bit my lip, said nothing, but it was boiling in me.   During my stay there it seemed like the trip's focus was now on Alan and not me. Alan is nice BUT is quite arrogant and enjoys talking about himself and how much money he makes.  I found most of our nights were spent with Miles and I discussing with Alan, his life and his relationship etc. All our convo's seemed to revolve around Alan and the girls he dating, not dating etc. etc.  I felt like an outsider. 

 Alan brought up a girl  to also come spend time with him  at Mile's house......(the girl is a family member of Miles and my cousin).   So now, every outting Miles and I went to, Alan and the girl would tag alone.  Again everyone was nice to me, but had I known Miles would of had other guests coming to stay there, I wouldn't have come.  To be fair, any plans we made during the trip  Miles made with me and no one else - Miles would ask me what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go , etc.  So you could argue that no, Miles still made the trip indeed about me.  

One night, Miles, me , Alan and Alan's "girl" went to a bar.   Alan was going on about how lots of girls like to "watch him". Miles made a slight joke in front of everyone about how he (Miles) watches Alan too - and Miles and him and the girl laughed.  When I heard this, I snapped at the bar .....I got up and said to Miles,  "wait, what did you say? You watch Alan?, what? What about me?"    Miles then joked how he doesn't pay attention to me.......and laughed it off.

I  left the bar, - I said I'm leaving. I was really hurt.  I realize in retrospect I was wrong, but these feelings of mine were getting a hold of me and turning me into monster.

Miles ran outside and asked me what's wrong. I explained to him that that comment he made about Alan hurt me. Miles replied that he was just joking around and how I should know that he is joking because he is always the type to make jokes (in fairness, Miles is very very comedic in our family, he always makes jokes - inappropriate ones too....he is like a court jester and doesn't take life serious).

I was still upset and the 4 of us went home.  Miles then brought his wife into the living room and her, Miles and I had  a chat.  I explained to Miles and his wife that I didn't appreciate them inviting Alan to also come spend time at the house as that was not our original plan.   They responded that they thought I would have been ok with it because I know Alan longer than them and how Alan adds fun to the experience - and they wanted to ensure I wouldn't have been bored.  I argued with Miles and blamed him for putting this guy over me nonetheless.    They asked me if I wanted to have Alan leave,  I  said No - I can't ask you to do that.  I will leave instead.

Of course I didn't leave....I went to bed and tried to cool off.

Next morning, I was outside by the pool, Miles came over and brought me breakfast - it was very sweet and  played music for me.  We didn't discuss anything about the fight but we pretty much spent the day together, going shopping for the upcoming party.  We went for a drive.  I wanted to bring stuff up but I was too nervous to... so I left it.

Later that night (this is Friday), some other cousins came over and all of us - went to a club , including Alan and "his girl". The night went well for the most part.....

After the club, we came  home and had an after party in the basement.....well up to 4am, it was  Miles, Alan and myself who were awake to the end.......   We drank a lot of booze - we were all drunk etc...and at one point Miles took his shirt off and I kinda made a comment to him about how he is probably taking his shirt off for Alan ........(it's possible I also slightly may have touched Mile's chest but very very slightly)

...and...that is when Miles SNAPPPED He became extremely furious at me and told me to get [ ] out of his house"   ....Miles also said "I am not GAY!"...... Miles didn't hit me but he aggressively came up to my face and told me to get out of his house.   I was shocked, so I went upstairs, and woke another cousin up and collected my luggage and left for a 2hr trip to go stay at my other cousin's house.  

The next morning (the day of the pool party), Miles called that cousin and told the cousin to bring me back....my cousin said he would bring me back only if I wanted to go back.   Miles's wife texted me and asked me why I left,   I obviously didn't go into details but told her that her husband told me to leave , that's why I left. She said to come back.  Miles than called me himself and told me to come back.....I asked him why did he throw me out last night!  He said we will discuss 1 on 1 when I come back.  I said fine.

So I re-packed my bags and went back to Miles house , for the pool party.   When I got there, Miles and I went to go talk in private.  And that is when I decided to come clean!

I apologized to him for my behaviour and my outbursts. I told him how I have developed feelings for him and its turned me into this monster , snapping and getting jealous at him.  I told him the comment at the bar he made towards "Watching Alan" hurt me.  Miles repeated that he was "just making a joke and how he enjoys making jokes".     I told him I was wrong and I need to stop this - and that I will get the help I need to stop this.

Miles repeated he is not gay and that yes I need to stop these feelings and how we are family.  I agreed.  He apologized for asking me to leave the night prior and said he should have never done that....I told him it's cool, we were drunk and I know he didn't mean it.   He asked me a few times if we cool now and I said yes. He asked me if I left my bags at my cousins house or if I brought them back. I told them I brought them back.

We went back to the party and Miles acted normal,  we were drinking - he would make his jokes at me.......and was entertaining his guests. I noticed Alan was there  and as the night progressed I saw Miles rest his elbow and Alan's shoulder (but in more like  in a"bro's" way) as they would talk about girls.       Once again I got jealous but smiled and said nothing.

When the party was over, I decided to leave Miles house and go spend the remaining 2 days of my vacation with my cousin. It was so hard being in Miles home after coming clean to him. Emotions were strong.  I thought it was the right thing to do, given I couldn't control my feelings and knowing these feelings were wrong, its probably best I leave their home out of respect for him, his wife and his family.

 I went to say goodbye to Miles and he was upset that I was leaving. I shook his hand good bye but Miles didn't even look at me.   

I went back to my other cousins house and the next day - feeling bad, I texted Miles to see if him and the family were willing to come down to meet me and the others at a restaurant , how it would be nice to see them before I left for Canada.

Miles IGNORED my message and did NOT reply.   This was a first....as he always replies to my message.    Anyway I flew back to Canada and Miles never reached out to see if I got home safe etc.   So I knew he was upset that I left his home for good.

I let a few days past and then I sent Miles a very long text , thanking him for all he did, apologizing for leaving his house, telling him that there are things I need to work on to get over these feelings etc. ..I told him he's always been my favourite cousin but I understand if he doesn't want to speak to me anymore , to not reply back to this message and how I will respect that and back off.

I honestly didn't think Miles would respond to my text having already ignored my previous text.   I braced myself.  A few hours later Miles replied and thanked me for coming....he said "The trip didn't go according to plan but that we BOTH learnt a lesson". He also said he was "very sorry we didn't get to complete the week planned but that he believes everything happens for a reason".  He said he is "willing to move forward AS LONG AS I was willing to do the same"       He said "Life happens and we learnt and move on!"

He acknowledged him being my favourite cousin and he said how he always enjoys spending time with his Canadian family and hope that never changes.   I responded to him that yes I am willing to move forward as I don't wanna lose our connection.  After that we would text normally, normal chat like before, making jokes etc. But I found that I was always the one initiating the texts. 

His birthday was the end of September....I sent him 3 bday texts (once just after midnight, a second one later that day - sending him a song he likes and a third one the following day asking him how his bday was).  He replied with 4 words that it was great and for me to enjoy the weekend........I replied "Thanks very much!"

That was the end of this September..............and since then I have not texted him and nor has he. It hurts that it's been over a month and he hasn't texted me to say wassup.   (Before all this drama, we would text each other now and then, with jokes, video's , make chit chat etc). But over a month has passed and its been radio silence.  I do not know what to do. I feel like texting him but the last few interactions we had it was me the initiating the convo.  I wish he could initiate a message (like he used to).

To be clear, I am no longer pursuing him in that way- that is not my goal. Yes it is 100% wrong to act on those feelings, and I've been working on resolving those and have made great progress.   My goal is to simply have my cousin relationship back with him. I have no intention and or desire for anything else but a cousin family relationship.

It hurts me though b/c he will often text my brothers but he won't text me and I feel completely left out. I will be hanging with my brothers and Miles will text them and send them videos, but doesn't sends me anything - I'm excluded and it appears he has stopped messaging me. Very hurtful.

What do I do? Should I sent him a message asking him what's going on? Or do I leave him alone until he reaches out? 

Mind you our last communications I put on  a brave face, so he probably thinks I am OK, but I AM NOT.....this is killing me inside and hurting me a lot that he is "ignoring me".

If you've made it this far- I appreciate you taking the time to read this. Again , I am 100% wrong and I am not proud of my behaviour. When jealousy gets a hold of you, it makes you do stupid things....but I've acknowledge it and will do better going forward.

Please help!

 

Edited October 31, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language/formatting

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, gbadboy said:

Should I sent him a message asking him what's going on?

No. You need to stop, and start respecting your cousin's marriage. 

You are treating this as though you're dating the man. You are not, and he's drawn a boundary with you. You were wrong and quite entitled and inappropriate to flirt with your cousin's husband in the first place, and now you see why it has changed the dynamic of your relationship with them. I am actually quite amazed that your only priority seems to be getting this man to pay attention to you when you have crossed a serious line. Of course he's keeping his distance, OP.  He is married to your cousin and doesn't have a romantic interest in you. It won't go back to the way it was now. He's doing the right thing in distancing himself from you. 

Have you apologized to your cousin for behaving this way with her husband? I don't see anywhere where you have any sense of respect for her or regret for trying to interfere in her marriage and play footsie with her husband. 

Edited October 31, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

You told him how you felt about him and because he isn't gay and he's married to your cousin he feels the best thing to do is stop communicating with you.  I agree with him.  This will give you a chance to get over him.

[gbadboy]

Hey, no I haven't told her (my cousin) about the flirting (which I felt was a 2 way street btw when he was drinking). Nonetheless, I agree it wasn't right and I am not proud of myself for doing it.   Me telling her would just cause disruptions in the family.

It's better I take steps to do better in the future and respect boundaries and learn from my mistake?

This is why after the pool party, after I came clean to him on how I felt - I left their home completely. I did it out of respect for them. I didn't feel right staying there knowing I had these feelings for him. Wasn't that the right respectable thing to do? It was I think.    

I am not trying to pursue him anymore. Those feelings are wrong indeed.

All I would hope is that him and I have our cousin relationship back -that's it . A few hi's and hello's - that's it.

But his complete dead silence since September is quite hurtful.  Feelings aside, he was a cousin I was very close to - so cousin wise - it hurts I don't hear from him now....

I made a mistake, owned up to it - but I feel I lost my cousin now.

Edited October 31, 2022 by gbadboy

[gbadboy]

@stillafool Thank you. I hear you.  I've respected his space for over a month...haven't reached out to him whatsoever.    If I was still trying to pursue him I agree he should stop communicating with me. But I am no longer pursuing him.  I just hope to get my cousin relationship back with him.     So why stop communicating with me?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, gbadboy said:

 So why stop communicating with me?

Because he is probably uncomfortable with you now, knowing you have feelings for him. 

He's doing what is best for himself and his marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to be attracted to people. But in this case he's not available on many levels. Perhaps if you are not out yet you could privately start talking to and meeting men from apps such as Grindr. It's better than trying to pursue straight men or unavailable men.

[Calmandfocused]

You’d be doing yourself a favour if you actually embraced the fact that Miles is distancing himself away from you. You need to overcome this infatuation you have for  Miles and for that reason the less contact you have with him the better. 
 

You need to understand fully and completely that you cannot have him. Nothing will change that. Use this No contact period to get over him and set your sights on someone else who is available to you. 
 

As a final point I would strongly recommend that you do not build up romantic attachments to straight men. In the same way that nothing will make you straight, nothing is going to make them gay either. You need to respect that, in addition to respecting marriage when someone is already committed to another (gay or straight).
 

I know that the heart wants what it wants but in some cases it simply can’t have it. I’m sorry. 
 

Move on. It’s the best thing you can do. 

[Weezy1973]

Are you actively dating anyone now? It sounds to me like you still have feelings for him beyond just friendly cousins. And he doesn’t want to encourage that, so he’s stepped back a bit from normal interaction. 
 

I would say don’t push anything. You need to be fully over your romantic feelings for him, which will be harder the more contact you have. Dating, meeting new people etc. may expedite the process. 

[basil67]

You say you recognise that you were entirely in the wrong here.  But not accepting the consequence of your behaviour (losing his friendship) indicates that you really don't get it at a basic level.  

Likewise, you ,mentioned that you should have put a stop to your feelings, but you like who you like etc.  Honestly, the bit about liking who you like is just an excuse for bad choices on your part.  Thing is, even when we have feelings for another, if they are inappropriate due to them having a partner, or the person simply doesn't return our feelings, we do have the choice to create distance while we recover from those feelings.   You simply chose not to do this.  

I think that when you start to take full responsibility for your actions (no excuses, acceptance of consequences) you will start to recover more quickly. 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, gbadboy said:

@stillafool Thank you. I hear you.  I've respected his space for over a month...haven't reached out to him whatsoever.    If I was still trying to pursue him I agree he should stop communicating with me. But I am no longer pursuing him.  I just hope to get my cousin relationship back with him.     So why stop communicating with me?

No contact with you is not for him even if he prefers it.  It is a method used to get over a love interest.  This is what you need to put this crush behind you.  You can't do that if you're still communicating or seeing him.  That is why his not talking to you is what is best.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, gbadboy said:

Feelings aside, he was a cousin I was very close to - so cousin wise - it hurts I don't hear from him now....

I made a mistake, owned up to it - but I feel I lost my cousin now

He is an in law.  His wife is your blood cousin.  If you really love and respect your cousin (his wife) you will allow this distance and leave him alone.

[glows]

To answer your question in the OP and what next to do, do nothing. 

It may take years for the relationship to go back to platonic cousins-only.

In his last message to you he emphasized learning a lesson. This implies to me that he learnt his lesson with the jokes and that it may be taken out of context. He realizes where he went wrong being overly friendly. He was teasing you for being gay and using it as comedy but it was never reciprocated. He learnt his lesson means that he is not going to be too friendly with you again or will avoid humour like that in future. That’s why you don’t see the same texts or videos. 

Until Miles sees that he can be himself around you again, he just won’t. Being himself with his inappropriate jokes meant that you took them seriously at one point. 

You may get invites as a group once or twice a year, however often you go down to see the whole family and you’ll get a chance then to show him you don’t pose a threat to his family or won’t cause disruptions to his parties. It may be years before this is repaired. It’s not going to be instant because that trust is broken. I’m sorry but you had to have realized this when you were confessing your feelings. 

Let this go for now, date locally in Canada and be busy with your life. If the cousin relationship is repaired it will take time.

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, gbadboy said:

However, in the last 4 years or so, I began to develop feelings for Miles. It began with infatuation and grew into something more. I should have put a stop to these feelings, but you like who you like and I couldn't control what I was feeling. 

If these feelings are (or were) super-strong, uncontrollable, and "intrusive" it's possible you have limerence, which I believe can be intensified by "can't have" situations.

Your apparent flirting was consensual. However, if Miles no longer consents to a familial "relationship" with you, that is something you need to bite the bullet and respect. You are "in charge of" (and therefore responsible for) finding your own romantic partners.

Be aware that seeing him again at family events may re-trigger feelings you have, and you may wind up feeling that you have "undone progress" on the getting-over-him front. Something to consider if you found the "longing" to be distressing. We hear about this sort of thing a lot around here.

Here's a link on limerence in case it applies: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Edited October 31, 2022 by mark clemson

[gbadboy]

@Calmandfocused Thanks. I agree. I've come to terms with the fact that Miles is unavail and never will be....he's family, he's str8 and he's married.  I completely get that and I am no longer trying to pursue him. I've accepted the reality.

What I am  hoping for is that our cousin relationship return back.  Before all this mess, we use to message each other - he would send me music files, jokes, etc . He's the only cousin I felt comfortable "coming out to"....  and he always makes it a point to include me in all family events (the other cousins really don't).      So I feel like I've lost that now with him and that is what is hurting.  

 

What makes it worse is that he messages my 2 brothers often and they innocently will tell me they "chatted with  Miles the other day"...  and then it affects me, b/c I feel left out. It just hurts bc I use to also be included in those texts.   I obviously cannot tell my brothers what has transpired as they are his cousin also.   

 

Hard for me to move on, when he is part of the family - he's always going to be around. It hurts big time.

[gbadboy]

@Weezy1973  Hey, I'm not fully dating anyone yet. There are some guys I talk to yea and I do have a lot of gay friends - a strong support system and that is very helpful.   

Yes you are right, there are still feelings there for him but I know I cannot act on them at all and I wouldn't do so again.   I can control these feelings , but what is difficult for me is knowing I may  have lost him for good as a cousin.   I don't want him as a romantic partner anymore. I want him as my cousin again.....  He's the only member in my extended family that I use to have a connection to.  I feel I lost that now and that is what hurts me.

[gbadboy]

@stillafool  Yes, he is a cousin-in law technically. Him and I share no blood.  His wife is my blood cousin, who I love yes.   But over the past 14 years he's joined the family - we've all become close....I regard him as my own cousin now.    

No contact is right to help me get over my crush. I believe though that I am over it b/c I now see the light and know I cannot have him.

If him and I could just text every few weeks like we used to about random stuff, that's all I ask for. 

Are you saying I should never send him a message again even if I realize I cannot have him and have no desire to pursue him anymore?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, gbadboy said:

@stillafool  Yes, he is a cousin-in law technically. Him and I share no blood.  His wife is my blood cousin, who I love yes.   But over the past 14 years he's joined the family - we've all become close....I regard him as my own cousin now.    

No contact is right to help me get over my crush. I believe though that I am over it b/c I now see the light and know I cannot have him.

If him and I could just text every few weeks like we used to about random stuff, that's all I ask for. 

Are you saying I should never send him a message again even if I realize I cannot have him and have no desire to pursue him anymore?

You're still trying to maintain an emotional connection with him and you need to stop.  He's no longer interested in that and has probably told your cousin what transpired between you two.  This may be a joint decision they made as a couple.  Yes I am saying you should not send messages to him again unless he replies to you.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, gbadboy said:

He's the only cousin I felt comfortable "coming out to"....

This may be part of it. Try to be more open about who you are. Join some LGBT groups for support about this. Is there a reason you can't "come out" to people?

Let the  dust settle. He may want to pull back if things were crossing boundaries. Relax, be yourself more and he'll come around.

[glows]

It’s very likely this was a joint decision with his wife and she as well as Miles may have both suspected your crush for awhile. The invitation to Alan was to mitigate anything untoward or inappropriate having more people present but things happened as they did. 

It’s not a good idea to contact him again if he isn’t responding to you. This happened in Sept? Leave it for awhile at least till the new year. You’re feeling the loss of friendship too but make other friends.

[gbadboy]

@glows  Your post cut me deep but your words are wise.  I've been trying for so long to know for sure what he meant by learning a lesson, and I couldn't put my finger on it.  Here is exactly what he said when I returned home from Canada (after all that mess) and sent him a long apology note, his reply was:

 

"Hey, thanks for coming to visit. It didn't go as planned but I think we both learnt a lesson. I'm very sorry we didn't get to complete the week planned but I believe everything happens for a reason.  I am willing to move forward as long as you are willing to do the same. Life happens and we learnt and move on!..............Always a blast hanging with my Canadian family and I hope it continues to be the same.  Till next time, Miles aka the fav cousin!"

(In my previous message to him I had confessed to him that he's always been my favourite cousin out of the 30 I have)

You're right, its the family party invites that will be something I have to face eventually (their kids birthdays, weddings, funerals etc. etc.). There's no way he would invite my brothers and not me. He would have no choice but to invite me .....and then I would have to see if I would go. 

I definitely want to go back to show him that I pose no threat to him indeed........I wouldn't. Believe me I learnt my lesson. I realize my cousin relationship is more valuable to me than any type of fling.   I suppose yes me confessing to him changed hid dynamic.  But I wonder then after I confessed to him, why did he get upset at me when I decided to pack my bags and leave their house for good (and go stay with my other cousin. I did it out of respect for his family...but he was mad that I left, why?)

 

[gbadboy]

@mark clemson I've never heard that term. I will be sure to check it out - thank you.  

The thing is, he hasn't come out and explicitly said he wants me to keep away. Rather my last text to him was a birthday text end of September....to which he replied "Thanks"....and I asked him the next day how his bday was and he replied it was great and for me to enjoy the weekend.  That's it.  

And I haven't reached out since and nor as he.

Yet he often texts my brothers ....and when they innocently tell me , it stings me a lot. 

It's the next family gathering I am dreading - I don't know if by then things will be better, but last thing I want is to make him uncomfortable.

What is worse, is him and his family usually come to Canada to spend a week and they always stay at my place - it's tradition. I don't know what will happen now. I doubt he will wanna stay by me now.

 I do hope we can move pass this and get back to how things used to be.

Thank you for your comment.

[gbadboy]

@Wiseman2 In the past, it was tough to open up to my extended family about my lifestyle......mostly b/c most of my cousins are straight guys....and while I know they love me, it just something they probably aren't comfortable talking about. They 100% support me though b/c they are family.

It's just that with Miles, he was proactive and making me feel welcome...he would always make the effort to invite me down and invite me to their family trips....he really genuinely wanted me around and to be part of things. I think that's probably how my feelings began to develop (though it should have never come to that, I admit).  

As hard as it is for me not to message him (as a cousin), my hope yea is that my distance I am creating will maybe one day see I am  no longer a threat, and maybe he'll be open to rebuilding the "cousin relationship".

 

I would argue this is no different from 2 best friends....and one friend ends up developing feelings for the other and then confess their feelings , however its one sided. I can see the friendship not being the same....but with time, and acceptance that it will never be -  I would argue the friendship could come back to how it was before (as long as the parties no its strictly friendship).

 

With Miles I have accepted that I cannot have him the way I want- and that's OK. My cousin relationship is more important to me......with cousin/family I have them for life.........but I think I lost that now.

 

My hope  is your right,  let the dust will settle,  let time pass..... When I do see him, be friendly normal but don't crowd around him too much.  Be like the old person I use to be around him......and maybe yea he will slowly come around.   We have a 14 year history so I don't see why 1 incident has to erase all 14 years.

I appreciate your feedback

 

Edited November 1, 2022 by gbadboy

[gbadboy]

@glows  Someone also told me the push to bring Alan over was to also mitigate things and allow for "more people" to be around in the house during my stay.

My god, it makes me feel like I'm an obsessive stalker and I'm not (I'm not say you are saying this, I'm just saying the general idea has me thinking this - yikes I hope they didn't think that less of me! Your point is quite valid)   .  Had it just been me and his family there, I would have not made any advances at all towards him.  I would however have relished and enjoyed my time hanging with him.......but never would I do what I did in Portland that one time.

The incidents of the fight occurred in early August. I returned home to Canada August 9.  We had texted a bit (first I sent my long apology note) and then he replied with this:

"Hey, thanks for coming to visit. It didn't go as planned but I think we both learnt a lesson. I'm very sorry we didn't get to complete the week planned but I believe everything happens for a reason.  I am willing to move forward as long as you are willing to do the same. Life happens and we learnt and move on!..............Always a blast hanging with my Canadian family and I hope it continues to be the same.  Till next time, Miles aka the fav cousin!"

 

(FYI he said "fav cousin" in his handle b/c in my previous apology note I told him I have always regarded him as my fav cousin)

After his above reply, we we texted normal here and there - jokes/pictures etc.   but I was noticing that I was the one always initiating the convo.    Fast forward to Mid September, I actually had a family event to attend, and I went to the US and he was there.....he was shocked to see me.....however I kept it very short with him...I didn't hover around him......I stayed for a few hours and when I was leaving I went up to him to shake his hand good bye and he said he is going to play my favourite song for me (he is a DJ and he knows my favourite song).  So he played it for me before I left.     It's stuff like that that hurts me man.

I returned home to Canada and the following week was his birthday and thats when I sent him 3 bday messages:

1. 1 message was sent at 12:30am just after midnight...a simple "Happy Birthday Miles!".  And he replied immediately with a "Thanks man" and cheers Icon.

2. A few hours later around 9pm I sent him a music clip of his favourite song [ in the past we would send each other music files so I thought it would be OK to send him a music file}. he didnt reply to that.

3. The following day I sent him "Hey how was the bday? I ended up hanging out in Niagara Falls".  He replied "It was great....Nice enjoy!".  And I replied "Ahh ok cool...thx!"

And that has been our last communication. This is end of September time frame.....I haven't messaged him since and nor as he.  :

 

You're right , more than anything I am feeling the lost of a friend/cousin/companion.  I 100% realize I cannot be with him romantically and that is OK, I accept that...I can live with that.  What I can't deal with is not having him as a my friend/cousin. 

It's interesting you said New Years......I was thinking I would give it a few more months and then come January 1st...maybe send him a Happy New Years message- just wishing them all the best.  By then 3 months would have passed since our last message.  Is that a good idea?

 

[gbadboy]

@glows   to be clear, it's not that he isn't replying to me. If I send him a message he will 100% reply back to me.

It's just that after coming back to Canada in August after the incidents, we would message and have conversations (after my apology note of course), and he'd ask me how im doing and how things are etc.  The convo's were normal and we made jokes etc.  It's just that I found I would be the one to always have to initiate the convo.

 

In the past, he would send me messages on his own - especially after a month of no contact.

And where we are at today , it's been 1 month of no contact - so the fact that he hasn't message me , does really hurt.

Again, if I message him now, he will reply - 100%.     However, I shouldn't have to be the one to keep initiating the convo.....I'm trying to give him his space b/c I'm really trying to fix things. 

 

Edited November 1, 2022 by gbadboy