Feelings for my cousin's husband

[gbadboy]

@stillafool  just to be clear, he does reply to my messages - always ...it's just that I find since the fight in August, when I came back to Canada, I would have to be the one to initiate the conversations. And when I do - yes he replies back and we make jokes and he sends pix etc.  But after the convo ends, I won't hear from him unless I send him another fresh new text.

Our last convos (which I initiated) was for his bday , end of September. I sent him bday wishes ,  and tried to make some small talk about I dunno, he was polite and all and he def replied but yea since then I haven't heard a peep from him (mind you he messages my brothers often and they painfully and innocently remind me of this whenever we hang out. Which adds salt to the wound).

 

 

[glows]

Hi OP, there are a couple of things that stood out to me. It was your read or interpretation that Miles was upset with you for leaving the house. He may have been disappointed but it’s difficult to say whether he was upset. You sound upset because he didn’t reply to first message. Silence can be interpreted in different ways. 

The nature of your relationship may have changed for good/permanently and that’s part of letting go and accepting someone else’s decision to stay away or opt out of a situation that makes a person uncomfortable.

The key is respecting someone else’s wishes even if it’s very hard to do and silence is all you’ve got. Miles seems to respond to you out of politeness but nothing more and I’m sure you sense that in the coolness of his last messages around his bday. I mean this kindly: the 3 messages around his bday was a bit too much. It’s very likely he senses you want to keep in touch but isn’t comfortable making too much small talk with you. 

If he’s not initiating anything take the cue. Spend more time in person and focus less on the texts. There’s a void where this crush was active and ongoing and taking up your time/space in your life. Now it’s a void. You will have to find better ways to fill that rather than seeking validation from Miles in terms of friendship. I don’t believe it’s appropriate and some may argue it’s no longer appropriate anymore. 

I’m sure he’ll respond and wish you back a happy new year when it comes around if you send him a message. Yet what does that accomplish? He may respond with a short response being polite but you may still be hanging on his every word. It’s not fixing the problem of that void you’re experiencing.

It may sound trite and annoying but I encourage you to start distancing from that need to hear back from him. You both are family so he’s not going anywhere. Give yourself a chance to move on and not live off of his texts or what he says or doesn’t say. Breaking away from that need is something you’ll have to find the courage to do. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op 

I can truly sense your suffering and I’m sorry to hear that. 
 

I’m still of the position that you should have no contact with Miles for your own benefit. 
 

Please stop fixating on getting your relationship with Miles back to where it was. It can’t happen and you need to accept that. What’s done is done, what’s said is said and you can’t undo any of it. 
 

Nobody should expect to drop a bomb and then expect everything to be normal. How can it be? The bomb creates consequences. Therefore it cannot stay the same. You need to accept that. 
 

It’s not to say that this relationship can never be rebuilt. It probably can in time. However it will never be like it was. They’ll be new boundaries based on the lessons learnt, something that you and Miles both agree on. 

Edited November 1, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, gbadboy said:

I would argue this is no different from 2 best friends

It is absolutely different from 2 best friends, for the 2 obvious reasons:

1) He is married 

2) He is family

It is best that he doesn't message you right now. You need to let go of him and let your feelings fade. You would not be able to do so if you were still in close contact with him.  Maybe someday you two could have a closer friendship again, but I would not expect that to happen for a long time. It would need to be when he is comfortable, and you need to understand it might never get back to what it was. The goalposts changed when you developed a crush and confessed your feelings. 

 

 

[gbadboy]

@glows I suppose his replies are out of kindness. I just don't understand how 1 mishap in the span of a 14 year cousin relationship, would amount to him avoiding me permanently like I have the plague now.  People are allowed to make mistakes as long as we learn from them. It's strike 1, not strike 3 after all.

Question: Miles usually comes to visit Canada every year and he always stays at my place.   What if he comes next summer let's say and:

1) We still haven't messaged each other since

2) He doesn't inform me of his coming to Canada

3) He breaks tradition and stays at my brother's place instead

...my question is....do I still go over to see them? I know my brother will invite me to come over, but should I go over and see them, if he does the above? Part of me feels if he does the above, it means he truly wants nothing to do with me, so why go?  Whereas another part of me says to be the bigger person and go and smile and be normal and show him I'm not a threat anymore.

1,2&3 are hypothetical, I don't know if he would actually do that....I don't think he would  b/c that would be borderline cruel now -  but who the heck knows, with my bad luck these days , anything seems possible.

 

 

Edited November 2, 2022 by gbadboy

[basil67]

1 hour ago, gbadboy said:

@glows I suppose his replies are out of kindness. I just don't understand how 1 mishap in the span of a 14 year cousin relationship, would amount to him avoiding me permanently like I have the plague now.  People are allowed to make mistakes as long as we learn from them. It's strike 1, not strike 3 after all.  

<snip>

1,2&3 are hypothetical, I don't know if he would actually do that....I don't think he would  b/c that would be borderline cruel now -  but who the heck knows, with my bad luck these days , anything seems possible.

Where did you get the idea that people deserve three chances?  This isn't a classroom with remiders being doled out.  In the real world, people are also allowed to remove someone from their lives for a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all.  I've written people off over one bout of really appalling behaviour before.  

It's not cruel to drop someone from your life their behaviour warrants it.  And this wasn't "bad luck" is was bad choices on your part.  

Edited November 2, 2022 by basil67

[glows]

I would behave as expected and keep a distance at family gatherings. You’ll also have the opportunity to mingle with others not just Miles. 

This isn’t bad luck. You brought this on yourself each step of the way. There were opportunities to control yourself and not fly away with the fantasy of a crush. It was your choice getting physically close to Miles in Portland. You had a choice between bringing yourself back to earth and getting jealous or reacting to Miles interacting with Alan when Alan was invited out with you as a group. It was your choice when you stormed out of the bar. It was your choice when you got too close physically when drunk or when Miles was drunk. It’s important you don’t see this as a series of unfortunate events or portray yourself as a victim. Each step of the way you played an active role in leading you to exactly the position you’re in now.

1) If Miles comes to Canada and he’s still not initiating any messages or doesn’t want to make small talk or the cousin friendship isn’t the same, then you’ll have to accept it for what it is and stop forcing something that you played an active role in dismantling. The alarming issue is I don’t sense that you have any remorse about the way your actions have affected others or your situation and are still expecting a most unlikely and inappropriate outcome.

2) This is about acceptance and again not forcing someone to do as you wish. If he doesn’t want to let you know he’s in Canada let it be. Don’t hold grudges, carry on living your life. You were wrong for ever believing that a married man was available. He doesn’t even owe you a friendship after this.

It’s not to say he was completely innocent either. I think he toed the line and participated in some very inappropriate situations with you like the one in Portland and I’m not sure how many other situations. Both of you are equally responsible but you’re the one here asking for help. You can’t make someone want a friendship with you again or expect things to go back to normal the way they were. Maybe this is a very hard lesson for you in learning limits to your behaviour and the resulting outcomes.

3) Also a matter of peace and acceptance. It’s not always about what you want when you want it. Remember that Miles or anyone even if you are related owes you absolutely nothing. I understand this may be terrifying if you’ve only ever done or known something a certain way. 

If you value all your other family relationships it’s unlikely for a person to forfeit family gatherings just because of one person. Don’t isolate yourself. At the same time it doesn’t mean you have to be present for everything. Find something that works for you. Maybe you decide to join them for dinner but are not able to make it during some event during the day. 

Other members did mention joining queer, gay groups or finding your crowd, being more involved, finding your chosen family. It’s time to let go of this idea that you need Miles. You can’t stand behind the idea of him forever. Like I said he may be there but his importance needs to go back to someone you can live without because he’s not yours to have. I do think that this will take a long time to blow over and it’s a matter of being mature at those family gatherings and swallowing your pride, stop reacting to jealousy and your emotions in the moment. People eventually become drained around that kind of constant struggle. 

Get to a place too where you feel good and confident about yourself and surround yourself with other friends and loved ones. You are not a terrible person for this if you learn from it and grow. Find new people and grow, try new things. Focus on your life in Canada and not on Miles and the texts. 

[gbadboy]

@basil67 I suppose I didn't mean that 3 strikes in the literal sense that everyone needs 3 chances. More so, it spoke to 14 years of good times, versus 1 mishap, misjudgement on my part. While it does warrant him being upset - and keeping distance, I would hope it wouldn't equate to something permanent on his end. My good out weights immensely , my "bad".  And I did leave his house for good out of respect and b/c I knew it was the right thing to do after confessing.  He wanted me to stay, but out of respect for his family, I left.   If I had bad intentions, I would have stayed back the extra 2 nights and possibly hope to see if something would happen. I tried to do the right thing and give him space.   

Thank you for your feedback.

[basil67]

At the end of the day, it's his prerogative to decide if and when to have you back in his life. 

[gbadboy]

@glows  What's interesting is that I have a HUGE social network, I have lots of gay friends (and str8 friends) who are all very close to me and very supportive. Every weekend there's an event happening. I say this not to show off but because if one were to say I needed a distraction and to get out and meet people - believe me - I know a lot of people. The problem is I am fixated and trying to fix something that I broke.

I know I can never have him, I don't even want that frankly with him. I just want our cousin friendship back - that's really all. I'm not about getting jealous or anything...he's not mine to have as you said.   

What's hurting is I feel I lost my cousin/friend and I wish for that to come back.

I've been  No Contact now with him for over a month....my hope is that with more distance and time and respect for his space our friendship may return. I can only hope b/c he knows deep down I am good guy - we've had a good history together except for 1 mishap out of 14 years of good times.

If he does come to Canada without telling me, stays at my brother's place, I guess I would go over still to see them - and I would put on the bravest face in an effort to show him I'm no longer a threat.

I very much appreciate your replies and feedback!

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't worry about what may or may not happen next summer, OP. 

Cross that bridge when you come to it. You have no idea what could happen between now and then, so it's futile to fret about it and try to plan for it now. All you can do is accept whatever relationship he is comfortable with at present.  And yes, it might remain much more distant. That is his choice. 

This wasn't a mishap. It was a series of intentional decisions on your part, so you still have a long way to go in taking accounability for your role in this. You don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation. 

[glows]

8 hours ago, gbadboy said:

The problem is I am fixated and trying to fix something that I broke.

I know I can never have him, I don't even want that frankly with him. I just want our cousin friendship back - that's really all.

It’s time to stop with the fixation or responding to that compulsive need. 

The cousin friendship was a lie. You are still believing it was a “friendship” but it wasn’t. I think you’re not recognizing this. For a long time that friendship meant something more to you and it was a massive crush that went so out of control. His wife is aware of you. 

What you want - the cousin friendship - was the thing that sent this spiralling. It wasn’t good for you and you may also want to rethink this man’s (Miles’) influence in your life. It went completely sour and I’m saying this not to hurt you but to help you see that you don’t actually need him. What was happening before is likely not going to happen again. He said just as much by telling you he has also learnt his lesson.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, gbadboy said:

I just want our cousin friendship back - that's really all.

But you really weren't looking at him as a "cousin" but a love interest who you have a severe crush on.   If you were acting like a cousin this never would have happened.  So to say you want your cousin/friendship back is not quite accurate.  What about his wife, your real cousin?  Are you concerned with repairing what you've done to her?

[Weezy1973]

@gbadboy Your cousin doesn’t trust that you can handle a friendship with him without having romantic feelings for him. And rightfully so, as this thread attests to. He is likely distancing himself as much for your sake as  it is for his and his family. Don’t push anything. It’s possible that when you get into a serious relationship with another man, he may let his guard down as he’ll know you’ve really moved on. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/30/2022 at 8:08 PM, gbadboy said:

Miles SNAPPPED He became extremely furious at me and told me to get [ ] out of his house"   ....Miles also said "I am not GAY!"....

I apologized to him for my behaviour and my outbursts. I told him how I have developed feelings for him and its turned me into this monster , snapping and getting jealous at him. 

You need to step back and let the dust settle. Clearly coming on to a straight man who is married and an in-law was out-of-place. You apologized but it's up to him to decide if he feels comfortable around you.

[gbadboy]

@ExpatInItaly Since his birthday (end of September), I sent him those bday messages and he did reply and they were short and cordial........ since then, I have not bothered him (nor has he messaged me) and I also came off Facebook and Instagram , and haven't been on since - because I'm trying indeed to keep my distance from him (he's on my Facebook and Instagram accounts).      Perhaps this means I'm starting to take accountability.    I hope one day he sees I'm not a bad person and he can trust me again - bc I've learnt my lesson-  all this pain isn't worth it.  If we were to connect again, I know my boundaries now and would never cross them - it's worth it.

[gbadboy]

@glows Yea - I admit, the last 3-4 years (out of the 14 years of knowing him) yea I developed feelings.

I wanted to mention something else to..

The reason why I professed my feelings to him was not to try to get him or seduce him (as I know I can never have him and it would never work).....I told him how I felt b/c he was confused why I got upset at the Bar on the Thursday night and then upset again at the after-party at house on the Friday.    He even said I wasn't behaving like the person he knows.

So I answered his question. I explained to him WHY I got upset those 2 times....it's because I have feelings.

I never told him my feelings to try and sway him......that wasn't my goal.

Also, I told him how I felt so I could begin to DESTROY these feelings.  For me, the best way to stop these feelings is to have him tell me "No, this is wrong - we family and I'm not gay".    I needed to hear him tell me that, so I could begin to resolve these feelings. He did tell me this and it began to help me.

So just an FYI, that was my motivation for telling him how I felt. It was for good intentions (i.e. to start to destroy my feelings for him and put me back on a cousin path).

Mind you - what I am saying here I never told him and in retrospect I should have told him .......as he took instead that  I was telling him this to try and ask him out  and I wasn't!   It was just a lot of pressure on me to speak and I was super nervous.   Anyway....point is yes - I professed how I felt.

 

Like I said, I upon my return to Canada I sent him a long text apologizing to him and letting him know that there are things I need to work on.    So my question then is,  IF the opportunity arises down the road and he does actually contact me, do you think I should apologize again and be more in-depth and advise him how I'm "over him" (assuming I am)...............OR is best to just talk normal with him, make small talk and don't even bring this stuff up?  In other words, show him that I'm over him versus telling him.

 

Edited November 2, 2022 by gbadboy

[gbadboy]

@stillafool While it is speculative if she truly knows the details - I can't say for sure. I don't know if he would tell her, b/c doing that would pretty much severe the relationship in the family.  I don't' know.    It's possible she may have picked up on some hints, but what I can say for sure is -  during our meeting with her him and I in the living room that Thurs night , I positioned it as I am upset that they also invited Alan (which is the truth) and that Alan has a tendency of liking to "take over the show" ...he's a player, a big mouth, all talk, arrogant, talks about all the $$ he makes etc.   I basically told them that I find him extremely annoying and why do I have to spend my 9 days with this dude? That was never our plan. Our plan was to hang out- me and you guys for 9 days b/c its been 3 years since we all met up (due to Covid19 restrictions I was unable to visit USA).  Instead its become a trip with Alan tagging along talking about his girlfriends and my cousin was also trying to hook Alan up with her cousin (the girl) that was also staying there for the week.

  It was like the Alan/girl show and Alan has already visited them - a  month prior!  So now this was my first time in their new house and I haven't been in over 3 years -  can I not have a private moment with my family for a change?   I don't come to US often, so when I do - like c'mon man.     So yea I never positioned to her that my disappointment was due to my feelings over Miles (I left that part out obviously as I could not tell her that

I am not saying I am innocent here. But I'm also not the monster people may think I am.  After professing my feelings, I had the opportunity to spend out the remaining 2/3 days at their home - but out of respect for my cousin and her husband , I didn't feel right staying in the home knowing that he now knows. I thought it the right thing to do was to leave and I left!   If I was selfish or a monster, I would have stayed the extra 2/3 days and try to get more close.       So I left instead.   Not knowing that me leaving got Miles upset - he was angry I left and didn't say bye to me, nor replied to my text the next day - nor followed up with me to see if I got back to Canada safe.  

I wish I could go back in time and fix things.

[gbadboy]

@Weezy1973 Yea I suspect that's why he's avoiding me. I can respect that.  And you'll recall it's been just over a month now and I've remained NO Contact with him. The last message exchanges we had was for his birthday at end of September....to which I initiated those texts and he replied. It was cordial but short.    And I haven't bothered him since and nor has he messaged me.

So technically we are not arguing or on bad terms. Never did we engage in any finger pointing.   Just after getting back from America after the incidents  (aug 13 time)- I sent my apology note and he replied and he agreed there were lessons learnt  for both of us and he said to me that he was willing to move forward only IF I was willing to do the same. And he also said hanging out with his Canadian fam has always been a blast and he hopes  that continues to be the same. 

....and we then resumed messaging back and forth for a few weeks, - pauses here and there. I would initiate the texts though. My final messages to him occured end of Sept. I sent 3 bday messages over the span of 3 days. One was  a bday wish,  the next day was a song he liked and 3rd day I simply asked how the bday was.   He replied and I haven't reached out since.

He does message my brothers often though - a point that bothers me but I have to roll with it.

I def will not message him for the rest of the year, but when I began this thread my thought was to send him at message on New Years day -  but now after reading these replies from posters - I don't know if I should.

The fact that I've done 1 month no contact, I hope shows him that I am trying to give him that space he requires. 

And perhaps yes - if he finds out I am dating someone he will back off.

The other thing I could do is, when I see him next time, I'll tell him that he is no longer attractive anymore. I'll tell him that he USED to look good but now he doesn't and that he's not my type!   That will get him angry I bet!  hahah. Just a joke.

Edited November 2, 2022 by gbadboy

[gbadboy]

@Wiseman2 In fairness, when he snapped and I left his house (after he asked me to) he caught his senses the next morning when he sober'd up and immediately began phoning my other cousin who I stayed by and asked him to bring me back. He even phoned me personally to tell me to come back.  He apologized for what he did....he said he should have just told me to go to bed or something. I told him I was not upset at him snapping - he was right to do what he had to. 

I've been no contact with him for 1 month now and I don't plan to message him for the remainder of the year.....I hope this will allow the dust to indeed settle.

Aside from all the nonsense that occurred this summer, he is very close to my brothers and I - we have a close cousin relationship and I would take that over any type of fling with him. I don't want him as a lover anymore...I never could of had him anyway, but now I know it's not worth it.  If I can just hear from him a few times a year, I'm cool with that - that's all I ask. 

I hope with time passing, his frustrations (if he still has them)  his possible distrust will fade with time and he'll instead remember all the good times we had and hopefully on his terms of course we could rebuild the cousin-friendship with strong boundaries in place. That's my sincere hope.

 

Appreciate your feedback.

Edited November 2, 2022 by gbadboy

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, gbadboy said:

@stillafool While it is speculative if she truly knows the details - I can't say for sure. I don't know if he would tell her, b/c doing that would pretty much severe the relationship in the family.  I don't' know.    It's possible she may have picked up on some hints, but what I can say for sure is -  during our meeting with her him and I in the living room that Thurs night , I positioned it as I am upset that they also invited Alan (which is the truth) and that Alan has a tendency of liking to "take over the show" ...he's a player, a big mouth, all talk, arrogant, talks about all the $$ he makes etc.   I basically told them that I find him extremely annoying and why do I have to spend my 9 days with this dude? That was never our plan. Our plan was to hang out- me and you guys for 9 days b/c its been 3 years since we all met up (due to Covid19 restrictions I was unable to visit USA).  Instead its become a trip with Alan tagging along talking about his girlfriends and my cousin was also trying to hook Alan up with her cousin (the girl) that was also staying there for the week.

  It was like the Alan/girl show and Alan has already visited them - a  month prior!  So now this was my first time in their new house and I haven't been in over 3 years -  can I not have a private moment with my family for a change?   I don't come to US often, so when I do - like c'mon man.     So yea I never positioned to her that my disappointment was due to my feelings over Miles (I left that part out obviously as I could not tell her that

Oy my goodness!    The drama!  The entitlement!   

To be clear, did this get said before you left the house?  If so, Miles wasn't mad because you left the house - he would have been mad at how rude you were in delivering this.  And let's be clear, we now know that this wasn't just one mistake of hitting on him.  This was another massively inappropriate and selfish action on your part.  

Yes, I get that it was disappointing that they invited Alan.  After the event, you could discreetly say that you'd prefer to be given a head's up if he's invited so that you could reconsider your own attendance.  But you are not entitled to have a say in who they invite, let alone have a hissy fit about it. 

 I hate to say it, but I think they are done with you.

Edited November 2, 2022 by basil67

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, gbadboy said:

Quote

It was like the Alan/girl show and Alan has already visited them - a  month prior!  So now this was my first time in their new house and I haven't been in over 3 years -  can I not have a private moment with my family for a change?   I don't come to US often, so when I do - like c'mon man.     So yea I never positioned to her that my disappointment was due to my feelings over Miles (I left that part out obviously as I could not tell her that

This too was rude of you because it's their home and they can invite whomever they chose.  If you wanted a private moment with the family you could still do that even with Alan there.  You were jealous of the attention Alan was getting from Miles.  You weren't worried about any attention your female cousin was giving to him. If you wanted a private moment with your cousin (her) you could have gone to the store together while on a ride.  You wanted private, alone time with Miles.

Quote

I am not saying I am innocent here. But I'm also not the monster people may think I am.  After professing my feelings, I had the opportunity to spend out the remaining 2/3 days at their home - but out of respect for my cousin and her husband , I didn't feel right staying in the home knowing that he now knows. I thought it the right thing to do was to leave and I left!   If I was selfish or a monster, I would have stayed the extra 2/3 days and try to get more close.       So I left instead.   Not knowing that me leaving got Miles upset - he was angry I left and didn't say bye to me, nor replied to my text the next day - nor followed up with me to see if I got back to Canada safe.  

You left, as you should have, because Miles yelled at you and you felt uncomfortable.  It had nothing to do with your female cousin.  Who has said on her you're a monster?  Don't put words in our mouth.  Miles was not upset that you left.  I'm sure he told her what went on between you and was trying to handle it in a mature manner.  Did you apologize to both of them when you returned?

I agree with the Poster who said Miles will feel comfortable with you again when you get a boyfriend you're serious about.  Then he'll know you're over him.

 

[gbadboy]

@basil67  Alan has a history of hurting another girl in our family. He swoops in, the girl goes "goo goo ga ga"  and he plays them and hurts them. I know what he's all about as I known  him since 2014. I know him more than Miles and his wife do (they are just meeting him recently) - hence my reservations towards him as I know what he gives.   I worry Alan will end up hurting their cousin whom they are trying to hook him up with. Well that's their business I guess, but as a cousin who knows what Alan gives, I did express my dislike of him being there and I had good reason to do so.

That said, its their right to invite who they want. Had I known he was coming, I would have changed my plans, but now I was stuck with 9 days with this man I cannot stand. Mind you I was cordial with him at all times, but kept my distance. 

I confessed my feelings to Miles because I wanted to let him know what motivated my outbursts  - it was due to my feelings over him that I couldn't control.   I never told him how I felt in an effort to sway him - not at all..I have no chance of swaying him.  I did however want to explain to him why I acted the way I did.

It doesn't excuse the way I acted, but at least it shows him WHY I acted this way.

I said this in another post but I also confessed my feelings to Miles (though he doesn't know this part) so that I could begin to destroy those feelings. I needed him to hear it and tell me its wrong so that it would register in me and allow me to start moving on from it.   I know I don't need him to tell me its wrong, but its more powerful when the source tells me its wrong. 

And my hope is, as I resolve these inappropriate feelings I have towards him in time - my hope is that he will see this was a phase I went through and that he measures this incident against the 13 other years we had of good times- never once an argument. .......and hopefully he will want to re-build a cousin friendship with new boundaries.

 

 

 

[gbadboy]

@stillafool  Yes you're right.....I was jealous of the attention Miles was giving Alan.  I wasn't jealous of any attention Miles' wife (my blood cousin) was giving Alan , so yes - with that, you can isolate that my issue was with Miles's attention on Alan.   This is why I professed my feelings to Miles shortly after, because I wanted to explain to him (not justify to him) WHY I was behaving the way I was. These feelings got a hold of me and turned me into something I am not proud of......... I told Miles how I felt not to sway him my way but to show him why I got upset. I am the first to admit I allowed these feelings to fester and it caused me to lash out.

As a side note though and  I said in another post,  Alan has a history of hurting people and has already hurt another girl in our family.  I know what he gives , I known him since 2014 so part of my upset was I know how Alan operates. 

But yes it is their home and their right to have whom they want to have. I admit I could of handled it better. 

Yes I did apologize to both of them separately when I returned home. With Miles I was more candid obviously as the issues were mostly between him and I.

I've done 1 month of No Contact with Miles because I am trying to give him that space he needs.....and I need space to continue working on resolving these feelings.   What I know for sure is , I would never cross that line with him again - it's not worth it. 

I am sort of chatting to a guy right now, but nothing serious as of yet.......

In the 14 years of knowing Miles, we've had great times with no issues or arguments.   This past summer we had this incident yes - but I acknowledged it, owned up to it and I'm trying to be better.  My hope is my good out weights my bad.

I hope this space between Miles and I will eventually help re-build a cousin friendship in the future.

I appreciate your comments and feedback.

Edited November 2, 2022 by gbadboy

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, gbadboy said:

@basil67  Alan has a history of hurting another girl in our family. He swoops in, the girl goes "goo goo ga ga"  and he plays them and hurts them. I know what he's all about as I known  him since 2014. I know him more than Miles and his wife do (they are just meeting him recently) - hence my reservations towards him as I know what he gives.   I worry Alan will end up hurting their cousin whom they are trying to hook him up with. Well that's their business I guess, but as a cousin who knows what Alan gives, I did express my dislike of him being there and I had good reason to do so.

Are you trying to justify your outburst?   Because I'm seeing not one jot of remorse for your behaviour here.

24 minutes ago, gbadboy said:

I said this in another post but I also confessed my feelings to Miles (though he doesn't know this part) so that I could begin to destroy those feelings. I needed him to hear it and tell me its wrong so that it would register in me and allow me to start moving on from it.   I know I don't need him to tell me its wrong, but its more powerful when the source tells me its wrong. 

So you chose to make him feel awkward because it would benefit you.  

24 minutes ago, gbadboy said:

And my hope is, as I resolve these inappropriate feelings I have towards him in time - my hope is that he will see this was a phase I went through and that he measures this incident against the 13 other years we had of good times- never once an argument. .......and hopefully he will want to re-build a cousin friendship with new boundaries.

These TWO incidents.  Making Miles feel awkward to benefit yourself.  And behaving so terribly about Alan.   They have just seen another side to you and they may choose to not have you back.