Played by my Neighbor!

[Hopeful714]

Hi, Almost exactly a year ago, I created a post titled “chased but never caught “. It was about a neighbor in an adjacent condo building who kept in touch with me for 18 years and I thought he liked me. He didn’t. Please reread my original post for more background. Sorry this is so long.

Many of you replied to me that my neighbor was just looking for sex. I liked him so I didn’t want to believe that. But I now know you were all correct.

To bring you up to date, after getting ghosted last Nov. sans our small make out session he eventually began sporadically texting me again. Wished me merry Christmas, then sent nonsense hello texts where he would  make small talk and flirt. I responded but never really flirted back. We tried to get together one time in Winter but he wouldn’t commit to a plan. So I blew him off when he contacted me last minute and I didn’t hear from him again for another 2 months. With the warmer weather of spring, he started again. Noticing me out with my flowers, he teased with telling me how “cute” and “gorgeous” I was. This went on all summer long (without a date of course) although he seemed to want to see me again.

One night he texted and I invited him by for a beer to just hang and catch up. I mentioned I was a bit tired from the day to which he replied “no energy to fool around with your cute neighbor? “ And continued “ I can’t behave around you, you’re so gorgeous.”  I knew I was being played but had him over anyway with the intention of finally calling him out which I did. I brought up how he breadcrumbed me, how this has been going on for years, and how he had been leading me on with his flirtations and fake compliments. I confessed that at one point I liked him and always found him attractive but I wanted a boyfriend not [casual sex] (I never slept with him…thank goodness). I told him I don’t sleep around. He then said “we’re friends!” and that he flirted for “fun” [guess he loves the attention?] and he didn’t want the “hassle “ of a girlfriend to which I told him if he didn’t have good intentions towards me what he was doing was inappropriate (it was) and I didn’t need it. At that point he became upset , asked if I invited him over for that purpose of telling him that and then said snotty “I’ll never contact you again “  before walking out the door. That was 3 months ago. Good riddance!

yes, I felt very hurt that all he ever saw in me all these years was a piece of a** and although he always claimed we were friends, I see now we never were. I feel/felt embarrassed I confessed my feelings and got rejected, yet I’m proud I called him out and stuck up for myself because he was trying to take advantage of me. He never apologized to me although he tries to come off as Mr nice, responsible dad guy. He’s not.

My purpose for posting today is he has been outside lately in front of my place playing with his kid. Also he has befriended a young hot girl with a kid (think she has a boyfriend but their kids are friends) and now I am being treated to this show of all of them playing together, or just him and his kid regularly right outside my window. I don’t foresee this getting any better. I’m still healing from being played and feeling like a complete fool. I’m also very sensitive and feeling  insecure that he may like this young girl although he obviously never liked me. I feel like he’s rubbing himself and maybe this girl in my face. Or, in in the event he isn’t, is completely insensitive to what he did to me and my feelings. it’s keeping me from going outside as usual and living normally and enjoying my home. He has more friends here than I do and I feel like a huge fool.  I’m all alone here. I can’t move from here right now. Also I never blocked him but I’m thinking I should. I don’t think I ever want to speak to him again but I don’t want to appear hurt. I hate this uncomfortable feeling but obviously he doesn’t even feel uncomfortable at all! 
What do you make of this and what can I do to feel normal again?  I kinda feel I was preyed upon. 

Edited November 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Alvi]

45 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

yes, I felt very hurt that all he ever saw in me all these years was a piece of a** a

OP, I am sorry that you have wasted almost 20 years on this nonsense. You should have spoken up a lot sooner to put the end to it. To be fair, I don't think that he ever considered you anything, not even a hook-up. For him it was just flirting and kissing you (once or was it more?) and that's about it. He had almost two decades to ask you out if he ever wanted to. But he never did so. I think that you have let your imagination run away imagining that there could be something more. Well, no point blocking him since he is living right under your nose. Just ignore all his nonsense if he ever starts flirting with you again. If you see him outside, wave hello and keep going. Don't ever invite him to your place. And most importantly, date other people.

 

45 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

because he was trying to take advantage of me

In what way do you think that he took advantage of you? Or was it a wishful thinking on your part thinking that there could be more? He was complimenting you, so what? Unless he declared his undying love for you or something like that and then kept ignoring you. 

 

45 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

I invited him by for a beer to just hang and catch up.

Why invite him in you are not looking for a hook-up? 

45 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

Also he has befriended a young hot girl with a kid (think she has a boyfriend but their kids are friends) and now I am being treated to this show of all of them playing together, or just him and his kid regularly right outside my window. I don’t foresee this getting any better.

Think about it this way: At least he is out of your way and not bothering you now with anything. He is someone else's problem now.  And that gives you a perfect opportunity to move on and find a great guy that is out there.

Flirting is just flirting. There is a guy at my workplace, who flirts outrageously with women (myself included). But the point is that nobody takes him seriously. Sometimes we flirt back but none of us think that he wants anything more. I am definitely not wasting any of my time on this guy. Sorry you have wasted your time on him but let him go now.

Edited October 31, 2022 by Alvi

[Hopeful714]

Thanks for the responses. I really didn’t waste 20 years on him. Our lives kept going when we weren’t in touch and we dated others,  but somehow he always ended up getting back in contact with me and we’d get together and talk about what we’ve done and where we’ve been.. We enjoyed each other’s company. The overt flirting and texting was basically new. Within the last 2 years he came on strong however sporadically. He was reaching out again seemed interested this time, asked what I was looking for in a partner , asked if I found him attractive and liked him. Told me he liked me. He wanted me to like him and I finally did. But I couldn’t just jump in bed with him and I knew he wanted that. I guess maybe in my mind I thought it might be our time. But I was wrong.

One can flirt for fun but I feel it’s crossing a line when you know that the other person has feelings. This wasn’t fun bs flirting. I’ve fun flirted before. Also I have many male friends and can honestly say they never flirted with me the way he did or ever made sexual passes at me. My male friends are real friends, this felt different. There was always an attraction with me and the neighbor.

I feel that he wanted me sexually and that was it. It hurts me that he saw me as nothing more then a sperm receptical after all this time of knowing me. If I allowed, he would have slept with me and dumped me. A friend wouldn’t do that. He would have taken advantage of me. And it hurts because I liked him. 

Now, it’s awkward. And I feel like a fool. And I have to see him right in my face. At my home. Friends or normal neighbors don’t do this. I swear I never went after him. I was just nice. Thought he was cute. He kept coming for me. So naturally, I thought it was genuine. But it wasn’t. And now it sucks.

 

 

[Alvi]

I am sorry. He did play yo-yo with your feelings. Except that for him it was all fun and games and for you it was all serious. He does not has a good character. You are right, good people don't use their friends that way. They don't try to use them for sex and discard them afterwards. But I don't believe that just being friends is possible between a man and a woman, Things like that are bound to happen. 

Could you move to another place? If not, just ignore him. Say a quick hello and keep going. Close the window curtains if you see him outside. And, of course, never find yourself in a situation where it is just the two of you. What I mean is do not invite him to your place for anything. Nor ever go to him place, especially alone. It is going to seem like you are looking for sex in him mind. I know, I know, it shouldn't but it is going to. But above all, make a good dating profile on a reputable dating site and start meeting new men. 

[Hopeful714]

Thanks. I know he won’t be contacting, and I won’t be contacting. Unless he is outside and chases me as I walk to my car (which he won’t) there won’t be contact again. And, in the  very remote chance there is, I will never have him over again. But do understand we spent plenty times together at my place or his over the years where nothing happened because once upon a time,  we really were just friends. 

There’s no way for me to move right now so I just have to deal. It’s horrible.
 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

  I never blocked him but I’m thinking I should.

Sorry this is happening. You don't have to move, you can ignore him. Yes. Start by deleting and blocking him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. You'll feel better knowing he doesn't have a window into your private life.

[Weezy1973]

It’s okay and understandable to feel hurt. The best thing you can do is just live your life like normal. Fake it until you make it. Soon enough the hurt will disappear. 

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

feel that he wanted me sexually and that was it. It hurts me that he saw me as nothing more then a sperm receptical after all this time of knowing me. If I allowed, he would have slept with me and dumped me. A friend wouldn’t do that. He would have taken advantage of me. And it hurts because I liked him. 

Did he actually come right out and ask you for sex?  Did he ever ask you out on a date and did you go?

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry you're feeling badly about this, but please don't give this acquaintance so much power in your life.  I think you have been holding onto a hopeful fantasy for years, which would never be wise,  and hopefully you won't do that again.  That said, there are people with whom some of us  maintain flirtations that never go anywhere for long periods of time.  It doesn't have to be a huge deal or to mean that one sees the other as nothing more than a "piece of a**."  It means that there is some attraction and chemistry there which is probably never going any further.  That sounds like you and your neighbor.

Let it go.  You'll be okay.  Really.

[glows]

All you’ve got to do is find the focus and spend more time on you and focus less on him or what he’s doing. He’s been taking up a lot of your attention and time and what seems impossible to do now, will be easier once you begin shifting your focus to your friends, family and dating local guys in your area. 

He may be your neighbour but he’s not your boyfriend. He lives next door, not in your house. You can wake up and do as you please, as and when you like. 

It may sting now but it’ll wear off quickly enough the less weight you give him. Shift that focus to you.

[stillafool]

You should throw a party at your house and invite your friends over.  That will send the message you are over it and moved on with your life.  Also it will make you feel good.

[smackie9]

How can he be this way? because he was never invested, in fact he doesn't or ever will be invested in anyone. You were just someone he knew. Any woman that is near him is an opportunity in his eyes that is how he rolls. The reality is, you are not on his mind, he's not purposely rubbing anything in your face...he's just carrying on being the perv that he is, setting up opportunities. 

[Hopeful714]

Never really came out and asked for sex, but always turned the convo sexual when he texted and flirted. in hindsight, it was rude. Again what kind of friend or neighbor does that? It’s Disrespectful and it began to make me feel cheap that he saw me that way. Keep in mind, me and him are not young.  We’re old! I’m talking around 50’s old so you would think he’d know a bit better?  Also, although I keep busy, this age is not very conducive to dating. Seriously I could care less but it bothers me now.

Also worth noting is our places are facing each other, separated by a grassy area. Prob less than 500 feet apart. I get home and cook dinner and I can see right in his place cuz he doesn’t close the blinds or curtains and has all the lights on and it’s dark out . So, I have to close all my stuff fully and feel like I live in a cave. Sunbathing on my patio? Can’t do that anymore. Hang on my deck alone and watch the sunset? Nope, I’m completely on display and don’t want him to think I’m trying to entice him.

Im sooo pissed. Actually I moved to this condo 3 yrs ago because I had a nut neighbor where I used to live several buildings down. But that’s another story. It was a miracle I found this place because it was affordable and completely redone/new.  I was sooooo happy. It didn’t even occur to me this could be an issue w this guy because we hadn’t been in touch for a couple years and he never was really an issue before. But like I said it all started up again pretty heavy after 1 year of me being here. So, the peace I so strived for has now been ruined and there is absolutely no way I can move again right now.

lastly I want you all to know I never sat around waiting on this guy or hoping for anything. And I really don’t think think I made anything up in my head. Any girl who had a guy come on to her like this, and kinda was interested, would have questioned his intentions to see if they were genuine or not.  He wanted to see if he could get me. Then when he found out he could, it was game over. 

 

 

[Hopeful714]

He even told me once I should have bought the place next to him so we could knock out a wall and have one big place. Ending w a smiley emoji blowing hearts kisses. Nice huh?

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

He even told me once I should have bought the place next to him so we could knock out a wall and have one big place. Ending w a smiley emoji blowing hearts kisses. Nice huh?

I would find that creepy coming from someone I was not dating. 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Hopeful714 said:

He even told me once I should have bought the place next to him so we could knock out a wall and have one big place. Ending w a smiley emoji blowing hearts kisses. Nice huh?

This just sounds like a line to me.  Are you sure he wasn't just joking.  It sounds like it to me.

[Hopeful714]

Well, it most likely was. But combine that with all the other texts, complements, convo’s, and short make out session that occurred over 2 years, plus follow up to our visits saying he had a nice time, (not to mention staying in touch for 18 yrs) and you get a girl who thought just maybe someone was interested in her. In person, he was never flirty.  Actually he was always soft spoken and seemed kind. Guess you just can’t trust in anyone these days.

[glows]

Are you attracted to someone who flirts for attention or seems unavailable? It’s difficult when you’re stuck in this train of thought but it doesn’t sound like he was much of a catch. 

It’s your patio so when you’re feeling better, enjoy it. I don’t see why you need to hole yourself up as if in a cave. I think you care too much what he thinks.

[NuevoYorko]

I agree with the above.  And I don't think you got played, or that he  sees you as "just a piece of a**."  There are lots of people who are very flirty, and some who are  free spirited sexually and up for that kind of activity for fun if opportunities arise.  He seems to be one of them.  

I'm sorry that you've been carrying a torch for this frivolous fellow for almost 2 decades and can sure understand why your realization that the two of you won't ever have a romantic long term relationship stings.  But please stop caring about what he thinks or any of that.  He doesn't have a low opinion of you.  He just thought, from time to time over the years, that having sex might be fun for both of you.  He was wrong about that, but it should not affect how you live your life

[Hopeful714]

Why is nobody understanding me? I didn’t carry a torch for this guy for 2 decades!!!!! I didn’t even really start liking him till I moved to my new condo and he started flirting with me. Also by the nature of his flirting I thought he liked me. Wouldn’t anyone think the same if someone told you they liked you and flirted for 2 years ? Sorry I’m old school. Back in my day if someone acted like the liked you they did. I feel like everyone is putting this on me. Ok! I’m a big huge fool then.   But now I’m in so much pain.  This is my home and I’m so uncomfortable here now!

I just got home from work and him his kid and this young chick with her kid who apparently seems to be his new gf now (cuz she’s walking in and out of his place like she is) are right out there playing in my face. And  Im all alone here on love shack.  I feel so uncomfortable and crying because all my happiness of my new place is gone. I can’t even get a date lest a bf and now I have to watch this new budding romance happen right in front of my place? Ok, so I closed my blinds again. Another night in the cave.

 

 

 

[Fox Sake]

There’s only one thing left for you to do now. Live your best life and show him what he’s missed!
Why be embarrassed and feel mortified, when you can feel empowered because he didn’t know a good thing. 
 

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I promise at some point the scales are going tip past centre and it’ll be in your favour. You’ll feel empowered by it. Either way- it’s his loss.

Walk out of your house with your head held high. And in your mind - your middle fingers even higher. 

Edited November 1, 2022 by Fox Sake
Autocorrect

[salparadise]

Sounds like a case of unmatched expectations to me. The flirting worked in that it caused you to start catching feelings and you even made out with him. But with feelings came expectations and you wanted him to switch gears and start pursuing a serious relationship, whereas he just kept up the the innuendo thinking that you'd eventually relent. But you grew so frustrated with him that you popped!

You were playing along with the flirting and all up to a point, so I don't think he was wrong per se, he just wasn't courting you the way you wished, or at all. And even if he was wanting sex (so what, we all want sex), that doesn't make him a bad person, and it doesn't mean he only sees you as a piece of ass. People have sex all the time, and I bet a lot happens just the way you've described your interactions. I bet he left shaking his head and wondering what just hit him. I bet that if you had played things differently there's a good chance that he might have actually wanted to date.

Edited November 2, 2022 by salparadise

[Hopeful714]

Thank you Fox Sake, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I agree that at some point he will be sorry and tides will shift.  This chick who is now in the scene is 17 yrs younger than him and notorious around my neighborhood for being a gold digger and causing some issues. Something will brew sooner or later with this pairing. It’s inevitable I would think.Or, maybe they will get married and move.
 

Salparadise I agree with you. Your assessment is spot on. And I did get frustrated. I often thought where this would have went had I slept with him (and I wanted to really bad) but considering he never  asked me on a date ever (heck just take a walk or go grab a beer somewhere) and because he lived sooo close I just couldn’t go there because I was too afraid of catching feelings and getting burned. How could I sleep with a guy who put in such minimal effort? It seemed so lazy. And, Truthfully, if he really did like me he would have told me that night when I asked him what he wanted from me. But he couldn’t state any intentions and said nothing so I’m glad I never went there …..or I’d be feeling 1000x worse than I do now.
 

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Why is nobody understanding me? I didn’t carry a torch for this guy for 2 decades!!!!! I didn’t even really start liking him till I moved to my new condo and he started flirting with me. Also by the nature of his flirting I thought he liked me. Wouldn’t anyone think the same if someone told you they liked you and flirted for 2 years ? Sorry I’m old school. Back in my day if someone acted like the liked you they did. I feel like everyone is putting this on me. Ok! I’m a big huge fool then.   But now I’m in so much pain.  This is my home and I’m so uncomfortable here now!

I'm old school too, similar age to you.  We knew that if a guy was romantically interested, they'd take us on dates, hang out with us, do nice things with us and yes, flirt and have sex.  But we also knew that if they that if they only wanted sex, they'd behave as this guy did.

Flirting, innuendo and suggestive comments alone do not suggest a romantic interest.  

[Hopeful714]

Yes Basil And I knew that deep down inside my gut. And someone his age should know that too. So shame on him for trying to schmooze sex from his neighbor. Creep.