Played by my Neighbor!

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Also, next week I am picking up my Invisalign trays. I have a nice smile currently, but as we know things tend to move at this age and I wanted to straighten a few teeth and make the improvement. I’m thinking OMG how is this going to affect dating and trying to meet new potentials?  

Same...

I'm self-conscious about my crooked bottom teeth, so I considered braces to fix them. I was a bit nervous that guys might not take a shine to me because of my braces. I opted not to. I said no thanks to an everlasting retainer! 😬

Just think of this dude as a former crush. Sometimes having a crush can keep you from putting yourself out there and creating new relationships with people. Try to open yourself up and create connections with new people, even if you don't end up in a relationship.

Spending time doing activities you enjoy won’t wipe away your feelings of romance, but it can strengthen self-love and assurance, while also improving your outlook and overall happiness.

Rather than believing you can't be content without being in a pairing, try to appreciate being on your own as a journey towards a more perfect you. You don't have to give up on your search for the right partner, but nurturing yourself and engaging in enjoyable activities will help you develop a satisfying life in the meantime.

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

I will say however, if there is going to be ongoing noise regularly, people will be pissed because it’s generally very quiet here and there are many people older than myself in the near vicinity who like it that way.

Great, if noise is the real issue that is bothering you...you know it will only be a matter of time until they report it. Let them report it and get satisfaction about that from the sidelines...take the high road...you don't have to be on their side for making noise but if you aren't involved it's better...especially because you, internally, will understand your motivation for not liking the noise.  The actual noise is secondary (way secondary) to the fact that you don't like that they might be dating or he's moved on and you haven't.  Let the older neighbors complain about their noise--if it's that bad, it will take care of itself.

12 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

im trying to think of what else I can do. Weekend evenings if I’m home are the worst.

The obvious answer, is don't be at home on the weekend evenings. Make plans that are social. Even if they are just be yourself or sort of tame. I don't think you should hide at any time. It's your condo and common areas so live there as you please. I get that it will be awkward at first until you get more comfortable with being in the face of it and increase your confidence and your real world experiences. Any anxiety you feel is a sign to put yourself "in motion". 

12 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

At the gym today I saw this guy who seems interested in me. I think?

Dial it down in terms of what you believe the expectations are...not to put yourself out of the game but in order to get yourself IN THE GAME. If you just see it as being friendly, making a new gym friend or talking about something at the gym, being your more outgoing self, that's a start with anyone. You increase your social opportunities--including dating ones--when you adopt this sort of attitude. It's sort of the equivalent of "sitting on the couch" if you don't make a move to do anything with him or other potential guys. Do this: Talk to more people in general (men, women, of all ages without dating per se in mind).  That will make you more comfortable with doing it as well as people more comfortable approaching you. Also conversation will be easier. Lower the stakes. It's just a hello, how's it going. The GYM is a perfect example of how well this can go. You will undoubtedly see that guy again and possibly a friendship will grow--maybe even a flirty friendship--maybe he will have a girlfriend but one day his other gym buddy will also say hi to you guys and he will be interested in you. You never know. But it keeps you from sitting on the sidelines waiting for your life to happen!

I like that you got the invisiglin (can't spell it lol)...that means you are investing in and focusing on yourself. How long does it take 6 months? In reality that will pass by so fast and anyway you need to SIMULTANEOUSLY be doing stuff that moves you toward the life you want. Mentally, emotionally, personal growth, social connections, dating, hobbies. In a way, the best thing you can do is sort of IDGAF attitude about the invisalign....if you believe people will be less inclined to date you because of that, then just put yourself out there anyway. I have a friend who had those and she didn't let them slow her down ONE BIT. She is probably the top 5% extremely social people I've ever met in my life. Very pretty, fashionable--so you might think it would be hard to sort of have this now visible "blemish" rather than hide out for 6 months. Granted she is super outgoing but still she LIVED HER LIFE. That should be the goal for you. don't wait for life to happen TO you. Be who you are and live your life--go unapologetically after what you want. Conveying that you take care of yourself and put yourself first is highly attractive, meaning it could equally counteract whatever downgrade a guy might think for having the Invisalign...That is a good example but you could apply it to anything. An extra 15 pounds, a zit on your face, etc. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears for Years, He has been hitting on you for sex only.  Never intending to commit.  Your heart fell for him and even Now, Seeing him with someone else There, It is even more hurtful and you may even be feeling jealous and resentful.  Please, Focus on you and be glad you never slept with that player of a 🤕guy.  You would have ended up feeling more hurt than you do now and more humiliated.  The guy is looking to fool around with no strings attached.

Edited June 2, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Acacia98]

OP, I think your best bet is to find something to do that will keep you occupied, emotionally engaged, and possibly away from your home during those problematic hours. Is volunteering an option for you? You mentioned previously having a pet. Perhaps volunteering at an animal shelter is an option? Alternatively, a hobby that will introduce you to a new social circle might work. Personally, I'd join a bookclub or take up a sport. What might you do?

Wrt your low self-esteem, therapy would be great. But if that is not an option, try looking for material (articles, books, videos) on traumatic experiences you may have endured in earlier years that impacted how you perceive yourself. For instance (and this is just a random example), if you grew up with an alcoholic parent, look for materials on that. Learning about the subject from perspectives other than your own could help you deal with the pain and learn to appreciate yourself more.

[Hopeful714]

Hi-wanted to give an update on how it’s going if anyone cares. Please realize I post my worst feelings here to get them out. I will continue to update until I am over this. I’m also exhausted.
 

Ive been trying to keep busy as everyone has suggested. For the most part it’s working but I’m tired. . Last weekend was heaven. When the neighbor doesn’t have his kid he takes off somewhere for the weekend so he was GONE and it was beautiful and life was awesome. Then, he got home Tuesday w his kid and then there’s the noise and I see the chick and her kid leaving his place on Thursday because no matter how hard I try when I get home during the week I run into one of them.  MYOB walk to condo…rinse repeat. 
 

Today left work early, came home to a beautiful day and opened all my windows and blinds. Went to run errands and to the gym for a couple hours. I was exhausted and wanted to come home and enjoy my place but walk in and there we have it… neighbor dude outside playing big dad with his kid and hers outside my open windows. I wasn’t about to deal with this so I adopted the IDGAS attitude and shut all my windows, closed the blinds and put on my air conditioning. Sure he heard/saw all this but I didn’t slam anything just closed up the place because I wanted to shower, have dinner and relax finally . Funny, by the time I was out of the shower all the toys were gone and so were they. I was elated. Did little old me scare them away? Was he being polite finally realizing neighbors are arriving home for the evening and want some peace? Who knows or cares. Trying to figure out what I’ll do tomorrow to get away from here. Still burns my ass he acts like Mr dad family when in reality he’s a douche bag that tried to use me. I still laugh that the very last thing he texted me was an emoji blowing heart kisses. What a D.
 

Got my Invisalign trays on Wed. It’s a trip. Day 2 of 365. On the positive I can talk perfectly and nobody at work noticed. The people I told said they couldn’t even tell. The negative is it’s going to be a lot of work and I hope I don’t get wrinkled around my mouth pulling these things in and out. I am getting better at it though and I’m hoping for a million dollar smile when this is done. 
 

Saw my cute buddy at the gym today. I don’t care if he’s younger at this point I just want a date. Wish there was an easy way to break the ice. Funny, he parks his truck right next to my car more often than not. Coincidence? Lol. Had to laugh because I had a large package on my passenger seat today that if he’s the curious type could have looked right in my window and been privy to my name and address since it was basically there for the taking. Lol. If he suddenly loses interest I’ll assume he googled me and saw how old I am. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful714 said:

… neighbor dude outside playing big dad with his kid and hers outside my open windows. 

Are you on the ground floor?  Do you have curtains or air-conditioning? 

[Hopeful714]

No thank God. The buildings here are 2 floors and I am on top. He lives across the grassy courtyard facing me on the bottom floor. All our windows and patios face each other. I just have sheer curtains and blinds because I face west and get to enjoy pretty sunsets when I can these days. My air conditioning unit is on the ground next to the building… not in the window.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

. The buildings here are 2 floors and I am on top. He lives across the grassy courtyard facing me on the bottom floor. . I just have sheer curtains and blinds 

That's good news.  Because you can't really control the activities of other residents. All you can do is try to enjoy your unit and ignore and tune neighbors out as much as possible. Reflect and work on ways to increase your privacy and peace and quiet.  

[glows]

Well, back it up now. Why does it continue to bother you that he’s a loving or doting father? I can understand feeling bitter briefly but this kind of resentment is very unusual and going on too long. Frankly I’d seek help - speak to a professional and figure out why the sight of a man who isn’t interested in you but playing with his child is so aggravating. Or try figuring out why this is such a trigger for you. A person might feel a pang of regret but ultimately it’s quite touching and lovely to see a parent spend time with their child. Kids are completely new to the world and that’s a marvellous thing. 

That’s a good thing you’re meeting people should you choose to approach anyone else but if you’re going to seek romantic attention from someone be aware that flirting may or may not happen and it’s completely fine for someone to show disinterest or lack of interest pursuing a relationship. 

Edited June 10, 2023 by glows

[Versacehottie]

17 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Hi-wanted to give an update on how it’s going if anyone cares. Please realize I post my worst feelings here to get them out. I will continue to update until I am over this. I’m also exhausted.
 

Ive been trying to keep busy as everyone has suggested. For the most part it’s working but I’m tired. . Last weekend was heaven. When the neighbor doesn’t have his kid he takes off somewhere for the weekend so he was GONE and it was beautiful and life was awesome. Then, he got home Tuesday w his kid and then there’s the noise and I see the chick and her kid leaving his place on Thursday because no matter how hard I try when I get home during the week I run into one of them.  MYOB walk to condo…rinse repeat. 
 

Today left work early, came home to a beautiful day and opened all my windows and blinds. Went to run errands and to the gym for a couple hours. I was exhausted and wanted to come home and enjoy my place but walk in and there we have it… neighbor dude outside playing big dad with his kid and hers outside my open windows. I wasn’t about to deal with this so I adopted the IDGAS attitude and shut all my windows, closed the blinds and put on my air conditioning. Sure he heard/saw all this but I didn’t slam anything just closed up the place because I wanted to shower, have dinner and relax finally . Funny, by the time I was out of the shower all the toys were gone and so were they. I was elated. Did little old me scare them away? Was he being polite finally realizing neighbors are arriving home for the evening and want some peace? Who knows or cares. Trying to figure out what I’ll do tomorrow to get away from here. Still burns my ass he acts like Mr dad family when in reality he’s a douche bag that tried to use me. I still laugh that the very last thing he texted me was an emoji blowing heart kisses. What a D.
 

Got my Invisalign trays on Wed. It’s a trip. Day 2 of 365. On the positive I can talk perfectly and nobody at work noticed. The people I told said they couldn’t even tell. The negative is it’s going to be a lot of work and I hope I don’t get wrinkled around my mouth pulling these things in and out. I am getting better at it though and I’m hoping for a million dollar smile when this is done. 
 

Saw my cute buddy at the gym today. I don’t care if he’s younger at this point I just want a date. Wish there was an easy way to break the ice. Funny, he parks his truck right next to my car more often than not. Coincidence? Lol. Had to laugh because I had a large package on my passenger seat today that if he’s the curious type could have looked right in my window and been privy to my name and address since it was basically there for the taking. Lol. If he suddenly loses interest I’ll assume he googled me and saw how old I am. 

Ok I'm going to analyze what you are saying through your own words which represent (consciously or subconsciously or even unconsciously) what is going on with your thoughts and actions...There are definitely some things I think you should change, address.  Good that you are getting your worst thoughts out in a way and then in another way you need to be cautious. One thing about doing so is that you have to be careful about what narrative and story you are creating for yourself. Each of us will become sort of a slave to the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. The things I see that are written between the lines that are problematic overriding thoughts that would color almost every part of your life and definitely your romantic life are: making yourself a victim (vs the creator of your own life/choices): only addressing your negative feelings about the neighbor guy by hiding or getting lucky without having contact or seeing him; calling yourself old--which essentially translates to "too old".   I bolded above where you are giving clues that indicate how you feel deep down. In that these are at the base "negative" feelings, they present obstacles or challenges which you can address to have a more impactful change in your life. A change that is not reactionary or passive but proactive and of that of a creator of your own life. 

Taking the example of being glad if he goes away for the weekend or you happen NOT to bump into him....that still leaves him in the power seat of what goes on in your thoughts. It's an on/off switch. See him=BAD DAY.  Don't see him=GOOD DAY. That's only two options, both determined by his presence. You need to CREATE more options that are INDEPENDENT of his presence. Otherwise, it will probably continue to frustrate you as well as even worse when you feel like you see him in the common courtyard.  You are boiling down your happiness and choosing how you live your life based on what he does or doesn't do. I would recommend setting your criteria for a happy, blissful life on these things. You are in danger of focusing on the minutia and staying in this negative space, reactionary space if you do this. Nothing wrong with shutting the windows occasionally because you had no other plans and their presence is truly annoying to you. But I think you need to be VERY CAREFUL not to MAGNIFY how this affects you. I would challenge you next time to leave the window open as an experiment to test yourself.

The key is not to hide...the key is start LOVING the life you do have. So I think you need to be careful about how you interpret your choices surrounding these thoughts and actions. Right now in your writing, I hear hiding and avoiding. While those might have been fine steps in initially addressing this problem, now it's time to move to the next step. What are you doing to CREATE a life in which what he does has no bearing on it?

I agree with the person who said something to the effect that the guy/this guy/any guy is allowed to choose not to move forward with you (think it was glows--sorry if I'm wrong!). That is not "playing" you. You need to stop making yourself the VICTIM in any story but especially your romantic ones. (same goes for the age comments about yourself). He's allowed to go a different direction--same as you are. People put their best foot forward, until they are no longer interested in doing so. What is wrong with that?  If you look at the reasons that you can "take responsibility" for why this might have happened or why he lost interest, it's the fastest way to address those issues or decide they don't matter and it wasn't meant to be between you two or whatever. It counterintuitively is a way to take YOUR power back to think more like this. It doesn't necessarily mean rip yourself apart but you can look more objectively at the situation and decide what you could have done differently to change the outcome...and take that to your next dating opportunity if there is a lesson there for you. I'd be shocked if there wasn't. Tell us more about it and I'm sure I would be able to find some. This is not me "blaming" you--it just is that almost everyone has lessons they can take from every experience. 

Also stop making guys/this guy the enemy. That's gonna follow you into your next potential relationship again if you think like that. Somehow you need to empower yourself.

[glows]

Empower is the critical and key word. That’s exactly it. 

Hopefully what Versace said is empowering. It sure was for me when I read it. Encourage yourself not to hide and change the way you see yourself. 

Taking breaks is fine too but don’t let this push you into a corner or feel like your options are limited or restricted in the way you enjoy your home or the way you think of yourself. 

[Alpacalia]

It sounds like you're doing great by staying busy and trying to stay positive! You've already figured out that it really helps to get out of your house when you're feeling overwhelmed. That's really smart. Don't be too hard on yourself if you still have moments where you feel sad or anxious. Just keep up with the activities that make you feel better and give yourself permission to feel everything you're feeling without judgement.

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Did little old me scare them away? Was he being polite finally realizing neighbors are arriving home for the evening and want some peace?

No it's doubtful this man is even thinking about you.  He is enjoying his son and living his life.  If the neighbors are bothered they shouldn't have moved into a place that allows children.  It's very doubtful that they are bothered by a little kid playing with his father.

[Hopeful714]

I tend to agree and disagree with what some of you are saying but I guess this is why we are here. 
 

First I’d like to address the victim comments. Do I think I am a victim? No. However do i think what he did was crappy? Yes. Sure this guy or any guy can choose who they like or don’t like or want to be with. So can I. On the same note, I think its my right to form opinion’s of someone based on knowing them for 20 years and observing how they live their life as opposed to how I live mine and choosing if I want ever want to interact with them again or not. Obviously I felt it was in my best interest to cut ties. I think many look at him as he’s just a guy that was trying to bang me and didn’t really like me at all (true) and moved on to someone he liked better to have a relationship with. But I see him differently as a person who has had a life long history of taking advantage of several women. My money says if I didn’t end this he would have taken full advantage of my attention as well as the attention from girl next door ..and maybe more from others several buildings down. Sorry but a guy with good intentions this is not.
 

I am dealing the best I can with this situation. I have left windows and blinds open many times but yesterday I was tired from a full week and wanted to enjoy my place. I am doing my best to keep busy but there is only so much I can do. I can’t be on the go 24/7, and I don’t think all my problems will be solved by joining dating sites. I’m not hiding and just trying to live my life. I’m sure as Summer wears on I will continue to be desensitized to this. TBH a lot of this also has to do with me being tired of my living situation and being in such close proximity to people. I’m tired of it but it won’t change for a while yet. Also sure they can all play in the courtyard however I’m betting other neighbors here are wondering why this has to be a daily thing when there is a pool, lake, basketball & tennis court as well as a play area  for kids and grassy areas just a short walk down the sidewalk?

Off to the park to walk now..   

[basil67]

Yes, it's absolutely your right to form an opinion on him.  We all form opinions of those around us (people in real life/people in the media/people online)...good, bad or otherwise. 

However, there comes a point where ruminating over a person's perceived bad traits stops us from moving on.  Truly, you've made so many posts telling us how dreadful he is. Yes, he may well be the devil incarnate, but what is the point of trashing him over and over again?  Does it still serve some inner purpose for you?   

I would suggest that your focus should be in moving past this.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

I think many look at him as he’s just a guy that was trying to bang me and didn’t really like me at all (true) and moved on to someone he liked better to have a relationship with. But I see him differently as a person who has had a life long history of taking advantage of several women. 

We agreed with you in your first thread that this guy is a player who was out for just sex.  All of his talk to you included sexual innuendos so it was quite obvious.  Still, you chose to not block him; but left him open to text and then you invited him over.  It doesn't sound like you know enough about him from the time you've spent together to make assumptions about his history with women.  If you really felt like he's the type to take advantage of women why did you invite him over?

[Stret]

On 11/1/2022 at 4:49 PM, Hopeful714 said:

He even told me once I should have bought the place next to him so we could knock out a wall and have one big place. Ending w a smiley emoji blowing hearts kisses. Nice huh?

He will become irrelevant in time, when you find someone to fall in love with, or when that power he had over you fizzles out. In the meanwhile, your focus should not be on him and whomever he likes or is just trying to get into bed (poor woman in either case who will end up with him). 
Thank God every day that it wasn't you - and that you had enough wisdom to resist the temptation and not let him into your life. You are the winner here. You didn't fall for his manipulative stuff, you told him everything straight to his face, and then he reacted like a narcissistic child instead as an adult. You held a mirror up for him and he didn't want to look into it so it was easier to just get angry and walk away. His ego is hurt. So take that as a victory and strength of your character over his, rather than as something you lost. It was holding you back as you lived in some fantasy about him that you knew was fantasy. Even though you enjoyed that little game you played with him and now you lost that game, it was really nothing valuable you lost - it was a fantasy that you have now been given a chance to grow out of. Moving on... let him stay at the same immature level his whole life, if he keeps theatre with another woman knowing you can see him. Pathetic. 

For the future, when a man is full of compliments - run! Honest people are not full of BS, but are down to earth and relatable.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

Also sure they can all play in the courtyard however I’m betting other neighbors here are wondering why this has to be a daily thing when there is a pool, lake, basketball & tennis court as well as a play area  for kids and grassy areas just a short walk down the sidewalk?

Just as an aside, I suspect the other neighbours barely notice.  When we move into high density housing, accepting that there will be noise from others is part of the deal (of course, within limits as prescribed by the strata rules).  

I think that you're likely very sensitive to the noise because of the hurt and resentment you're holding towards him.   if they were kids belonging to another neighbour, you'd probably hardly notice.  

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Hopeful714 said:

But I see him differently as a person who has had a life long history of taking advantage of several women. 

This is a defense mechanism we see over and over again in posts here. I liked this guy, he didn’t want to have a relationship with me, therefore he’s an evil and terrible man. It’s indicative of your low self-worth. If you felt you were worthy of being loved, you’d barely notice him being outside and would have moved on.