Runninggirl Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 Hello! Ive gotten many good advice on here for my personal experiences, but this time my best friend is in trouble, and Im consoling, but also curious about what you guys think about the situation. She was together with a guy for 5 years, they broke up during covid and got back together this january. They had been going strong since january, and everyone around her - including me, really thought they were meant to be. He seemed so head over heels for her. She told me he started a new job in august, and that he started to become a bit distant. Suddenly he started pulling away from her, but she thought they were solid and didnt do much, just gave him space. Suddenly he broke up "out of the blue" and with no good reason. The same weekend he started partying hard, and did so two weekends in a row with his co workers. She was home devastated and I told her he would soon regret it, this is just a phase. She suspected he had started talking to this girl from work, and rightfully so the weekend after (this weekend) she saw he spent the night there two nights in a row. Not going out, just at her place twice. they still had each other on social media, so she could see it on snap map. she is devastated, and Im appalled that someone could do that after such a long relationship. To me it seems like an obvious case of grass is greener-syndrome, and I suspect he will regret it. My friend is lovely, and they never really had any big issues, and were talking about moving in together right before he started his new job. She thinks all hope is lost, and feels absolutely horrible. It doesn't help for me to tell her that there will be other guys, she can't imagine being with someone else. I tried telling her that rebounds rarely last. He did text her once out of the blue and she didnt respond, which I think means he def miss her a bit too. I told her to go ice cold no contact and do nothing. but I dont know anything about rebounds. All the dating coaches online come with all these "stages of a rebound relationship", but I dont know if I buy into that. What are your experiences? Right now this rebound fling seemed based off of going out together and drinking, and a few home dates. How long does rebounds lasts? I think its based off on initial attraction or excitement, and that now that he got to lay his co worker it will gradually pass. Unless he really tries to make it work ofc. What are your thoughts and experiences? How long until they start comparing and become uncertain if they made the right move? I obviously dont think she should take him back after that, but I think she would feel a lot better if this didnt work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 1 hour ago, Runninggirl said: she saw he spent the night there two nights in a row. Not going out, just at her place twice. She thinks all hope is lost, and feels absolutely horrible. It doesn't help for me to tell her that there will be other guys, she can't imagine being with someone else. I tried telling her that rebounds rarely last. It may be best not to give her false hope so she hangs onto a dead situation. She will heal faster when she accepts it's over and blocks and deletes him. Expecting his return because of grass-is-greener will hurt her more. So will taking back someone who threw their relationship away for someone else.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 31, 2022 Author Share Posted October 31, 2022 @Wiseman2 NOT gonna try to give her false hope. I told her to delete him so she can't see that he's with her. Im asking because the situation made me curious, Ive never really been in any similar situations, but you hear about it all the time. So I was wondering how the rebound works. I know it sometimes turns into relationships, but i has to be something in it when people say rebounds never last. I read an article that said that positive rebounds will make the dumper feel better, but an unrewarding rebound will make the dumper feels worse. Im just curious how long those scenarios typically last Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 1 hour ago, Runninggirl said: She was home devastated and I told her he would soon regret it, this is just a phase. The thing is? He might never regret it, and it might not be a phase. It's not exactly a rebound if he is the who ended it. He isn't nursing his wounds with this new woman, the way those on the rebound do. He's just out there having fun (much as it understandably hurts your friend) I get that you were trying to comfort your friend and that your heart was in the right place. However, it is not great to tell a dumpee things like this because it gives them false hope. There is no way to tell if he will ever be back. Even if things fizzle with his new woman, that doesn't mean he will try to get your friend back. He was clearly not fully-invested anymore if he decided to take another woman for a test-drive. It hurts, but things were evidently not as great as they seemed. This is the second time they have broken up now, which means they aren't going to work out anymore. As such, it doesn't matter if his new fling lasts or not. It is not going to help her to try to determine when (or if) he might compare the two women. He has apparently lost interest in your friend and wants something different now. Instead, it would be best to help her heal and accept that this relationship is over and she will move on to better things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 We can’t predict if they fall flat or will break up. The best thing you can do is be there for your friend and tell her it’s over. In living be sure you’re not living off vengeance and the ill outcome and through ill will to others. Encourage your friend to focus on HER not her ex. Her ex deserves to move on fully without her. He was a part of her and anything negative or hurtful towards him will come back to hurt her. The wound is still fresh too. The most important thing is she has to let go. What she has to do is heal and be at peace with the break up, pull up her bootstraps and get going, learn to love and trust again with someone else. Her ability to move on no matter what happens with him is independent of her and you can give her courage to do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 31, 2022 Author Share Posted October 31, 2022 Im not intending to give her false hope, or do anything but support her to move on, the topic is purely out of curiosity! Just because you always read that rebounds never lasts etc. I was wondering what the normal was, or personal experiences Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 There is no "normal" when it comes to things like this. And this isn't a rebound. A rebound is when the broken-hearted seek solace too soon in another person, in an attempt to get over their ex. That isn't what's happening here. That's not to say this will go the distance, but reading about rebounds isn't useful because he's not the one trying to get over his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 2 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Suddenly he broke up "out of the blue" and with no good reason. The same weekend he started partying hard, and did so two weekends in a row with his co workers. Not going out, just at her place twice. to me it seems like an obvious case of grass is greener-syndrome, and I suspect he will regret it. It doesn't sound like grass is greener or a rebound situation. It sounds like he had this woman lined up at the tail end of their relationship. Nothing is "out of the blue". Unfortunately your friend was just the last to know that their relationship was over because someone else was on the scene. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 30 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: Just because you always read that rebounds never lasts etc. I was wondering what the normal was, or personal experiences Then this post/thread isn’t about your friend? The emphasis is always on self-focus, focus on you and healing. Rebounds are just one way a person copes and it’s different for everyone. Some rebounds work, others don’t. The issue boils down to whether a person is open and honest with the next partner, self-aware and available - emotionally and so on. Most people aren’t right after a break up. They’re thinking about the person they were last with, have a twinge of guilt here and there. Break ups shift our reality. He may or may not be using her as a rebound. Quick romances like this rarely last long term but it’d be foolish to focus on this especially where it concerns accepting a relationship is over. The focus needs to be on letting go and accepting that it’s time to move on. Remember that he walked out of the relationship. Focus on that. Not on the woman he’s with now. His actions show low level commitment and desire to be with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 (edited) In my experience a rebound happens when someone breaks up with you and you then go to someone else to get over them. That hardly works because most times the dumpee is still in love with the dumper. So the dumpee feels a bit of joy when first entering the rebound relationship; but this is short lived because their real feelings for the dumper return and they end up feeling empty again. Edited October 31, 2022 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 This is not a rebound. He broke up with her and to her it seemed “out of the blue” but it likely was something he had been thinking about for awhile. Perhaps the interest in the coworker was what incentivized him to finally pull the trigger. But it’s not a rebound. Honestly I did something very similar with my first relationship of six years. Was wanting to break up for about a year prior, but was afraid to pull the trigger and just do it. Until I met a girl that I wanted to ask out. I didn’t want to cheat or do anything inappropriate so finally broke up with my long term girlfriend and started dating the new girl. She wasn’t a rebound. My ex girlfriend however did start dating guys casually and having casual encounters. Those guys were rebounds as she was just using them to numb the pain of the breakup. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 31, 2022 Share Posted October 31, 2022 I'm afraid that it wasn't out of the blue - the sign was that he was pulling away. And the fact that he didn't give a good reason doesn't mean that he didn't have a good reason. And if in fact his reason was that he wanted the new woman more than your friend, this was a very good reason to end it. Regarding rebounds, I'm also going to say this isn't a rebound. This was a calculated choice on his part. I highly doubt he will return....and if he does, your friend should reject him. I hope she's blocked him on all platforms now Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted November 1, 2022 Share Posted November 1, 2022 So just to answer for your curiosity sake. My best friend met her husband online and they both rebounded with each from their respective exes. They dated for about 5 or 6 years and have been married for almost a decade with 2 kids now. I also know of another classmate who is now happily married with 2 kids to his rebound. There were also a handful of rebounds that turned into long term relationships but didn't end up working out in the end in my social circle. I think as long as the people are willing to give it a decent shot afterwards, relationships that started out as a rebound can have a decent shot at working out too. It really depends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted November 1, 2022 Share Posted November 1, 2022 adding opinion too, not a rebound. this guy left your friend because he wanted to date other people, as evident by him spending so much time with this other girl. Link to post Share on other sites
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