Taking it Slow ?

[macmillerpwnz]

I am going to try to keep this as bullet point as possible. Met this woman (33), I am (36). Started talking through text/phone (mainly text) for first week or less than. Asked her out to a date, she seemed busy and we could not connect for our first date I believe for maybe a week or two later. We continued to text everyday though. We finally met up for our first date, went very well, she ended up paying without me knowing, we laughed throughout and kissed at the end of the night. 

Went to set up a second date and couldn't connect with her for weeks later. I do not have the exact dates memorized and time span I just remember it being weeks before I could see her again. She ended up having to reschedule/cancel last minute due to a situation with her mom. So I rescheduled for the next week and then again the Mom interfered and had to reschedule again. Finally saw her for our 2nd date and it was better than the first, we were very physical and very much into each other and had a great time. She told me she wants to take it slow because she was hurt in the past. Tried to set up a 3rd date and again it was like weeks, she had to reschedule two more times, one being for a migraine she was complaining about her tooth leading up to this whole thing and then said she just has a really bad headache. The 2nd time she rescheduled she said she was exhausted from work. Finally met up with her on the 3rd date she invited me to her house, we chilled in her room on her bed, things got heavy, and she was really into it, then said I had to go and stopped it before it went further. I apologized for possibly going too far and she said that I did not. Tried to set up a 4th date and again there was more rescheduling I think she canceled once this time?, I go over her house again, this time I did not make a move on her because of last time. We cuddle and kiss often and you would think we were together officially if you saw us. Everything seems great when I am physically with her. I end up leaving that night on the 4th date and she text me after I leave asking if I find her sexually attractive as if she was expecting me to make a move. So then try to set up a 5th date we were supposed to go to a Halloween Party, she changed her mind and told me to just come over instead. I come over everything is great again physically and mentally emotionally etc.. I start making my move thinking I got the green light, she is all into it again and then stops me again saying she can't do it because her tooth is still bothering her and it wouldn't be able to enjoy it and that she apologizes and feels bad especially after asking me about it through text the other night. We have agreed to be exclusive and work towards a relationship. I find myself being more sentimental towards her than she is, at first I did not mind it and figured it would take her time to trust me given what she told me about her past relationship.

Sometimes she will initiate texts and sometimes she will not. I almost feel like though at this point I am starting to feel like I am initiating everything, even the kissing when I am there. I tell her sweet things like I miss you and call her babe, but she will only tell me she misses me if I say it first as well. I feel like on some days if I don't message her I probably will not hear from her. However to this day it has been 13 weeks since I first started talking to her, we have seen each other 5 times, and we have not went a single day without saying something to each other.

I guess I am just lost as if I am being strung along or if she really is interested. I am trying to be understanding of her taking it slow approach but just kinda feeling like the cancellations/rescheduling and me initiating and being more ready to be serious for commitment is starting to get to me and kinda lose my patience. I am careful about not looking like I am needy and constantly texting and what not and giving her space. I feel like I am chasing at this point and making me lose my value towards her by being so accommodating and available. At the same time I do not want to look like a dick or I am not interested. I thought about toning it down and matching her level but also not trying to play games but I am truly emotionally drained from all of this and within my heart kinda wanting to start to protect even my own feelings not knowing where this is going. The progression of the relationship just seems to be going so so so slow.

[salparadise]

I don't blame you for feeling like that. I wouldn't be able to put up with her continually rescheduling, as if her stuff is all that matters and your time is her's to kill. So far you're averaging 18 days between dates, and if my read is correct this is going to be the way goes. You've given her enough take-it-slow time, and if she's not ready to be reliable and enthusiastic I'd probably move on. She's exerting too much control. But since you like her otherwise and seem to click, I'd probably have a conversation and just lay it out... tell her you're spending entirely too many weekend nights alone when you'd like to have her company, and it's starting to wear on you (be nice but say what you have to say). It's a shame when we meet someone we'd like to be with and they hold you at arm's length. I've had that happen too and it sucks. I think you have to give it a try and then move on if they're not on the same wavelength. You need to click AND be compatible, and this is most definitely a compatibility mismatch.

[macmillerpwnz]

Some friends are telling me not to bring it up to her as if it's being too aggressive or needy 

[FMW]

She seems to be very focused on herself and isn't showing respect for your time, or even feelings.  

I'm not sure I would bother having a talk with her about it - either she naturally shows her interest in spending more time with you or she doesn't.  You don't have much foundation yet to have much to discuss.  Either she shows her interest or you move along.

I would suggest matching her efforts - meaning stop being the one to initiate most of the contact.  You're clearly (and understandably) not happy with the way things are going.  Don't allow things to keep limping along.  She needs to step up her efforts.  Decide how long you're willing to give it (another month maybe) and if nothing improves I would stop the effort completely.  

[glows]

Does she live with her parents or her mother? Is she supporting her mother or her primary caregiver? From the sounds of things she seems too preoccupied or may be on/off with the ex who hurt her. 

What are your thoughts on the above?

[ExpatInItaly]

She sounds lukewarm at best, OP. 

I personally would be looking for someone who isn't constantly rescheduling and retreating into her shell. The early stages are about assessing compatibility, not for having talks about whether the other person is even interested. An interested person will show you that through their actions, without any nudging from you. 

I don't think she is that person for you. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, macmillerpwnz said:

Some friends are telling me not to bring it up to her as if it's being too aggressive or needy 

Agree with your friends. She seems lukewarm at best. Perhaps she's on/off with someone or since it's just a few dates you're both still talking to and meeting others.

Either way she doesn't seem to enthusiastic if you are on the back burner like this.

It's not about what she wants, it's about what you want. Keep dating others. Having to pull teeth to get someone to go out with you isn't worth this type of aggravation.

 

[macmillerpwnz]

Appreciate everybody's response. I backed off last two days and this morning she text me inviting me to a concert this weekend. I accepted. Just updating. This is the first time I've had her initiate a date.

[glows]

That’s great to hear. Enjoy the concert!

[smackie9]

This seems like one big long $%^& test. 

[basil67]

22 hours ago, macmillerpwnz said:

She told me she wants to take it slow because she was hurt in the past.

"Taking it slow' means not rushing into some type of permanent relationship.  It doesn't mean ignoring and messing your date around.  

All in all, her behaviour should be completely unacceptable to you - I don't know why you haven't walked. 

[ShyViolet]

I would be losing patience very fast with someone who is so difficult to make plans with.  You've only hung out in person 5 times in 3 months.... that is not normal for dating.  She sounds very flaky.  Maybe she has some psychological issue where she is afraid to get close to anyone and so she keeps people at a distance.  I would not keep seeing her if I were you.

[Els]

Do you know what the situation is with her mom? Is she just living with the mom, or is the mom sick and she is the caregiver, etc?

Either way, it does sound like she has way too much on her plate to be able to contribute equally to a relationship right now, so you might want to reconsider things.

[Acacia98]

On 11/1/2022 at 5:45 PM, macmillerpwnz said:

Appreciate everybody's response. I backed off last two days and this morning she text me inviting me to a concert this weekend. I accepted. Just updating. This is the first time I've had her initiate a date.

This is great. But, at the same time, it bugs me that you had to essentially lose interest for her to step up. I wonder, is that going to be the dynamic going forward?

The best I can do is to advise you to always keep in mind what kind of relationship you want. As was mentioned earlier, the point of dating is to figure out whether you're a good match. You're not supposed to  twist yourself into all sorts of uncomfortable positions to accommodate the other person. If you find yourself doing that, you're not a good match. A good relationship is one that meets both your needs and the needs of the woman you're dating.

Remember, if you want to have more frequent dates, that's valid. If you want the progression to emotional intimacy to be more evident, that's valid. If she doesn't want those things, that's valid too. It just means you will both have to find whatever it is you want with different people. And that's perfectly okay.

[introverted1]

On 10/31/2022 at 6:43 PM, macmillerpwnz said:

She told me she wants to take it slow because she was hurt in the past.

Personally, I see statements like this as a red flag.  Not saying people should rush into relationships, of course, but when someone says they are going slow because of a past hurt, it suggests they are not over that past hurt.  Which typically means you'll see a lot of hot/cold, on/off behavior that may or may not ever settle down into something more promising.

On a more practical level, what's with her tooth?  How is it that it's been 13 weeks, she's in enough pain that it affects her daily life, yet she hasn't seen a dentist?

[Gaeta]

I had a few dating rules and one of them was to not date men 'wanting to take it slow'. It usually means they're waiting for an ex, they're seeing someone else, they're dealing with a break up. These people often run hot & cold. 

Why is she available so little? 

[macmillerpwnz]

She's already text me this morning complaining she don't feel good, so pretty sure canceled again. I think I am gonna walk away from this at this point.  Should I just ghost her or tell her?

 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, macmillerpwnz said:

She's already text me this morning complaining she don't feel good, so pretty sure canceled again. I think I am gonna walk away from this at this point.  Should I just ghost her or tell her?

My suggestion is to cancel the concert yourself, and then tell her this isn't something you'd like to pursue further and wish her well.

Be direct and clear, you're done. 

Then block her to avoid any residual drama. 

Fwiw, this girl is absolutely ridiculous, and you're doing the right thing. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, macmillerpwnz said:

She's already text me this morning complaining she don't feel good, so pretty sure canceled again. I think I am gonna walk away from this at this point.  Should I just ghost her or tell her?

I think it would do you some good to assert yourself and tell her this isn't working for you and you wish her well. Then block and move on.

Don't let things drag this long next time, you are responsible for your own frustration here, you're the one that spent way too much time waiting on her, technically she did nothing wrong she had warned you she wanted to go slow and that's what you got. Now you know 'going slow' isn't good enough for you. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, macmillerpwnz said:

She's already text me this morning complaining she don't feel good, so pretty sure canceled again. I think I am gonna walk away from this at this point.  Should I just ghost her or tell her?

Good call. Just tell her you're not a match then delete and block. She is too flaky and unreliable.

[Alvi]

It's totally ridiculous how she comes up with the excuse after excuse after excuse to cancel the dates. Interested people act interested. Period. And no, nobody is THAT busy if they meet someone that they like. Are you absolutely sure that she is actually single? Either she has someone else (perhaps her ex is still in the picture) or she is keeping her options wide open I would say.  You should've ended this a long time ago.  How much slower does she expects you to take this? It's not like the two of you are moving in together after a second date and getting hitched after a third date. Not saying that you need to move super fast, but come on, dating should not be one step forward and two steps backward either.

Anyway, ghosting  is rude in this case. Simply text her that you don't think that the two of you are a good match and wish her well. Two or three sentences max. Block her after that if you are ready to totally end this.

Next time, don't get caught up with someone who tells you that they want to be fiends first or they want to take it slow or any other nonsense. Whoever says such things is  not ready to date and to have a relationship for one reason or the another.

P.S. Don't be surprised if she reappears one day eager see you again. Just say no to that.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I would not ghost. I would put a simple, definitive end to it and tell her that this isn't a match for you. 

That way, you're not leaving yourself with any dangling loose ends.