Concerns about my new boyfriend [UPDATE: I ended it. Now working through emotions]

[CalipsoRose]

I have an iPhone and so does my boyfriend. So when we text each other, we can see the "..." indicator that lets you know the person is typing. Its Halloween night and I didnt hear from him for four hours tonight, I knew we were both staying in at our houses (we dont live together) so I thought hmm I wonder why I havent heard from him for a few hours. I sent him a goodnight text and he IMMEDIATELY replied Goodnight (with a kissy face emoji) I kept the chat box open at the time and did NOT see ANY dots indicating he actually wrote that. So it looked like it was copied and pasted. Then right after that, he sent me another text saying something else and that DID have the three dots showing he was typing.

Now I'm really nervous wondering if he just copied and pasted that to me and if so, that means that kissy face was meant for someone else. My friend gave me advice and said that sometimes there's a lag and they see that happen all the time in their conversations with friends. But its the first time Ive ever seen that from my boyfriend or even with my friends. Could he have been texting someone else goodnight with a kissy face and then just copied and pasted it to me when I texted him? 

Another friend said maybe he pre-wrote it for you and saved it to his own texts, but that seems a little far fetched. Do you think I'm freaking out for no reason or is this something that should cause alarm?

Edited November 17, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Alpacalia]

Most mobile phones have autofill/autocomplete feature. 

Maybe you just never noticed it before.

 

 

[CalipsoRose]

Well the goodnight had the kissy face emoji then a star emoji then the half moon emoji and other nights these emojis would all be in different spots. Like the moon would be first then the kissy emoji. I hope you're right though.

[basil67]

How long have you been with this guy for?  And why get concerned if you haven't heard from him in four hours?  

Either you're overthinking to the max or you have suspicions that he's cheating.   What's the background to your concerns?

[CalipsoRose]

No suspicions other than we are currently long distance until 2 months from now so..I havent seen any other signs other than he likes to take a lot of pictures of himself in the mirror and I hope that doesn't mean he has a big ego because that goes hand in hand with wanting lots of attention. I have been cheated on in every major relationship Ive ever had so yeah, overthinking is something I do that I'm trying to work on.

Been together for a few months. New relationship.

I guess I was concerned cuz its halloween night where everyone is partying

again my "Gut" is always telling me that I'm being cheated on because of my track record.

Edited November 1, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[basil67]

That's the thing with Halloween (or any other event) - if a person is partying, it's perfectly normal for them to not be messaging.   Try not to overthink that part.

Taking lots of selfies is either extreme vanity or attention seeking.  Neither being attractive traits.   Have you ever met him in person?   If so, how often have you spent time together?

I'm sorry you've been cheated on in every major relationship, but this has got to be more than bad luck.  Have you ever started looking for patterns in the similarities in the relationships where this happened?  If you can get better at recognising red flags, perhaps you'll be better at walking away when you see them.  

[CalipsoRose]

Yes we have been together in person Ive spent many days with him. Do you think the text thing tonight was suspicious though? Now I'm starting to doubt myself and whether or not I looked away from it for a moment which could have made me miss the dots but then again I cant remember now. 

[Mrin]

I think you're overthinking this 

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

Yes we have been together in person Ive spent many days with him. Do you think the text thing tonight was suspicious though? Now I'm starting to doubt myself and whether or not I looked away from it for a moment which could have made me miss the dots but then again I cant remember now. 

So is he vain or attention seeking in person?   What does he do with all these mirror selfies?  

Regarding the text response....from the angle of someone who's cheating, having a 'cut and paste' response to different women is fraught with danger.  It's only a matter of time before you send one person a text meant for another.  Perhaps he's really dumb and wouldn't think this through, but if I was cheating, I'd be way more careful.  And using this analysis, I wouldn't even think twice about the lack of lag time in a text response.  (And nor would I have noticed the little dots)

All in all though, you don't trust him.   So either he's not trustworthy....or you're not ready to be dating.

Edited November 1, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are micro-analyzing and over-thinking. I would never have even noticed whether the little dots appeared or not, but your level of alert indicates your're very anxious and fearful. 

Either you trust him, or you don't. And if you don't, there is no point continuing the relationship. It's terribly unhealthy to white-knuckle your way through a relationship. 

[CalipsoRose]

yes I actually have an anxiety disorder which I am being more open about in relationships

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

yes I actually have an anxiety disorder which I am being more open about in relationships

What sort of treatment are you receiving for this?

[glows]

I don’t think it means anything, re: lack of dots. Anxiety can be crippling. Are you seeing anyone or being treated? 

Relationships are difficult enough as it is at times, what more an ldr. Even when he comes back, you both won’t always be together. You’ve just started dating so put things in perspective too. This is all new. Try not to suffocate what you have or hurt yourself. 

Your partner may not know how to handle your anxiety. While it’s good you’re bringing awareness to it and speaking about it, also speak with your doctor and describe situations like these.

Edited November 1, 2022 by glows

[basil67]

 

57 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

yes I actually have an anxiety disorder which I am being more open about in relationships

It's good that you're open about it, and it would help that they know.   But in the long term, openness won't make it much easier for your partner.  If I was to date someone who had such anxieties, I would only continue if I knew they were in therapy and actively making progress.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

 we are currently long distance until 2 months from now so..Been together for a few months. New relationship.

I guess I was concerned cuz its halloween night where everyone is partying

 Why is it a distance situation? Jobs? College?  

How often do you see each other in person? When were you last together?

If you are interested in continuing, why not set up set times for videochats to avoid the overanalysis of every texting nuance?

Edited November 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

The "dots" don't show up as soon as someone starts typing. They may take 15 or 30 seconds to appear. It's very well possible to write one word (especially with autocomplete) and 1 smiley from the recently used ones within that timeframe.

I would not read anything into this. Like him copy/pasting a message from a different chat... no, that's way too far fetched.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Well the goodnight had the kissy face emoji then a star emoji then the half moon emoji and other nights these emojis would all be in different spots. Like the moon would be first then the kissy emoji. I hope you're right though.

It's fine OP.

Sometimes our minds like to throw us off or go into overdrive. During times of feeling overworked, I'll think I saw something out of the corner of my eye that I didn't. It's like I have to double-take!

Certainly, if you feel like there's another reason for concern, be mindful. A certain amount of anxiety and trepidation about infidelity is not necessarily a "terrible" thing. There is value to it when it is obvious that it is happening: it serves to protect you. I would only suggest that if there's no proof he's cheating and you notice that your worries and anxieties emerge or tend to hold on regardless of what he does, then our worries and anxieties are probably leading us in the wrong direction.

Edited November 1, 2022 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

 Do you think I'm freaking out for no reason or is this something that should cause alarm?

Just on this alone, yes, I think you're freaking out over nothing. Minor network lag could easily account for this.

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

So either he's not trustworthy....or you're not ready to be dating.

This. Either you need to cut him loose because you don't trust him, or you need to get yourself to a place where you are emotionally ready to date.

[Fox Sake]

What are the chances that he had already typed that to you and was waiting for you to say something so he could press send?  
 

I don’t think it’s anything to end your relationship over. God forbid any of us shouldn’t be perfect these days ….I know I’m not!  Maybe you would be wise to speak to him about those feelings you had tho. Cos I mean you recognise them, right? So why not discuss them with him? If he’s supportive and understanding then great, if he isn’t then you get a chance to work on yourself annnnd lose some dead emotional weight. The right person should make you feel happy and trust them without question, but they should also make you feel comfortable to talk about anything at all, with compassion and without judgment 

[smackie9]

11 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

yes I actually have an anxiety disorder which I am being more open about in relationships

have you had any coping training for this disorder? 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I have an iPhone and so does my boyfriend. So when we text each other, we can see the "..." indicator that lets you know the person is typing.

I would say when devices start dictating your relationship emotions, it's time to reflect and rethink what's going on.

[glows]

In regards to @Fox Sake’s proposition - I was with someone who pretyped his messages. The context was a busy schedule and limited time so he would type it when he had a moment and send it when he knew I’d be available. I must have mentioned something about it and he said he would type it earlier in the day. I took it as an endearing quirk on the thoughtful side as the messages were quite indepth and thoughtful.

In any case enjoy what you have and see where things go. I don’t think there’s any harm here. Hopefully you feel more confident working on that anxiety. 

[FelipeBleichvel]

Calipso, just being sincere here, that's imagination running wild if I ever saw it.

Highly likely nothing to be worried

Edited November 7, 2022 by FelipeBleichvel
grammar

[CalipsoRose]

I feel really embarrassed because I fell off the bed during sex for the first time ever in front of my new boyfriend of 2 months. Ive never done that before. It was a clumsy loud thud kind of fall too. I was trying to move my knee over him to reposition myself and somehow didnt notice there was only a half inch of bed left so my knee went over and so did the rest of my body. Narrowly missing the nightstand with my head and landing straight on my back with my entire body weight (he has a tall bed). My hair flew in front of my face and he looked over at me from up there and all I could do was say Ow and put my hands over my face. I was too embarrassed to laugh it off I just said omg I cant believe I just fell off the bed, why. He grabbed my arms and helped me back up. But he made a joke that said "What are you on drugs? You can tell me." I dont know if he was entirely joking or not because I had a shot of vodka prior so I guess thats what he meant. 

I just felt so stupid and awkward and it was hard to get back in the moment. Is this something that happens to people all the time or do you think he's like why did she do that, I wonder if she really is on drugs (no, I'm not).