Concerns about my new boyfriend [UPDATE: I ended it. Now working through emotions]

[Els]

14 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

He lied to you about this.  He has a tattoo of a woman's name on himself and he doesn't expect others to ask him who she is?!?!?!! 

Right. There's so much that doesn't add up here... I wouldn't even be surprised if the name wasn't even his daughter's, considering his track record.

[CalipsoRose]

I broke up with my long distance boyfriend of 3 months today because he was acting really distant for the last few days and when I visited him last week for 5 days things seemed off. I wrote other posts about him but I want to get clarity on this part. During the 5 days I was there, I honestly felt a bit uncomfortable because even though he was my bf we were still new AND long distance so this was our second time seeing each other (we saw each other for 4 days the other time). I know all of you are going to be like ok get over it it was only 3 months. Please dont. Thats insensitive and easy for everyone else to say. This guy actually meant something to me. 

I tried to relax and get comfortable but I guess we were both distant or uncomfortable or whatever because during the break up conversation (after I went home) he said I was a "ghost mentally" but I felt that he was acting the exact same way - vacant. Its not an ideal situation to throw two new people together for five straight days and it not be awkward, I get it. Looking back, he didnt show me a lot of physical affection and I just felt like I was kind of alone. At one point he went into his room for 4 hours to take a nap and I just sat on his couch watching tv. He seemed to kind of avoid me and its not because we weren't attracted to each other, we were. 

He said during sex I seemed to not enjoy myself which wasn't true at all, but then I remembered - did he even deeply kiss me? No. Did he do any foreplay for me? Nope. He was in and out. Only for himself. He didnt even try to make me feel good.

He said it seemed like I was just going through the motions, that I was a ghost mentally and he didnt know what was going on - ok, so then why didnt he sit down and look me in the eyes at the time and say hey honey is everything ok? But no he didnt. He just stood in his kitchen the whole time while I watched a movie, he wouldn't sit next to me. He would wander around his house. He wouldnt engage with me on a deep emotional level. I was the guest, I was already feeling uncomfortable but I guess so was he. 

I'm just so upset about this whole thing. I originally thought things went ok, but looking back..no...it wasn't. Something was off. When I got back home I noticed he had been talking to girls on instagram for at least 2 weeks prior. Something in my gut was saying it felt off but I didnt know what. Now I know.

It just bothers me that he blames me for being the distant one when he didnt even try to make me feel loved, appreciated or comfortable in his home. Maybe he thinks he did? And now he's off talking to other women like I never existed. Because when I broke up with him he said ok I understand, I dont know what I want, I need to focus on myself right now...then that was it. No sorry, no nothing. 

I have this empty feeling in my chest. I really liked this guy and I feel like the last visit was such a wash of anxiety for me. I went out of my way to travel to him. It also makes me feel bad that maybe I should have been the one to open him up or something. I have no idea how to feel right now other than sad and confused. I looked back at our old texts and he was so loving and affectionate and I looked at our recent texts and theres a clear difference. I just wish there was something else I could have done for a different outcome and I cant help but feel like its my fault.

Edited November 17, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[NuevoYorko]

Look.  I'm sorry you're feeling badly. 

I don't know how to put this in a way that's not going to sound harsh, but  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?  I am not able to wrap my mind around how you determined that you and he were boyfriend and girlfriend.   You probably exchanged some words that indicated this.  But, just saying the words does not mean that a relationship had developed.

In reality you saw each other twice and it sounds like it was beyond horrible. 

Napping by himself for 4 hours while you sat on the couch?

Stood in the kitchen by himself the entire length of a movie you watched by yourself?

Would not sit next to you?  Instead, wandered around his home?

Little physical affection. NO foreplay?

All of this describes your times together - yet, you make posts here concerned about his texting, how he said he didn't have kids, and his collection of hot followers on IG (or he's following.  I forget.)

Who cares about any of that stuff if your interactions in real life were so abysmal?  

Dear CalypsoRose, this was obviously a failed attempt at a relationship.  You two were absolutely not happening.  He was not going to sit down and say anything like "hey honey is everything okay" because the two of you had never even gotten to the point of a relationship where people would speak to each other like that (though I must ask you:  Why didn't you check in to see if HE was okay, when he was wandering in his own home for the duration of an entire movie??)   You were virtually strangers and behaved like strangers who were having depressing sex.

Do you understand what I'm saying?  I hope so.  It seems like you got a bunch of "false intimacy" through your texting / face time or whatever you were doing before your first meeting of 4 days together,  and between then and your second meeting of 5 days.  The false intimacy of an online romance did not hold up at all for either of you once you got face to face.  

I'm very surprised you went to see him a second time; honestly having trouble understanding how and why YOU didn't comprehend that this was not working out.   

The more I hang around here, the more horrified I become at the state of affairs between people who have "built a relationship" online.  

Edited November 17, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but this is for the best.   There were so many red flags

25 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

I tried to relax and get comfortable but I guess we were both distant or uncomfortable or whatever because during the break up conversation (after I went home) he said I was a "ghost mentally" but I felt that he was acting the exact same way - vacant. Its not an ideal situation to throw two new people together for five straight days and it not be awkward, I get it. Looking back, he didnt show me a lot of physical affection and I just felt like I was kind of alone. At one point he went into his room for 4 hours to take a nap and I just sat on his couch watching tv. He seemed to kind of avoid me and its not because we weren't attracted to each other, we were. 

It sounds like you outstayed your welcome.  I'm not blaming you and it's hard to manage in a situation such as this,(especially if you had a prior agreement to stay for X amount of time) but if your host is taking breaks and is distant, it's time to leave.  And I disagree that it's bound to be awkward staying with a lover you're just getting to know.  When you meet The One, it won't be awkward.

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He said during sex I seemed to not enjoy myself which wasn't true at all, but then I remembered - did he even deeply kiss me? No. Did he do any foreplay for me? Nope. He was in and out. Only for himself. He didnt even try to make me feel good.

You're lying to yourself in the bolded.  The rest of what you write shows him to be a lousy lover.  How could you have enjoyed yourself?  

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He said it seemed like I was just going through the motions, that I was a ghost mentally and he didnt know what was going on - ok, so then why didnt he sit down and look me in the eyes at the time and say hey honey is everything ok? But no he didnt. He just stood in his kitchen the whole time while I watched a movie, he wouldn't sit next to me. He would wander around his house. He wouldnt engage with me on a deep emotional level. I was the guest, I was already feeling uncomfortable but I guess so was he. 

A whole lot of this is the outstaying your welcome thing again.   But may I point out that you didn't ask him what was going on either?   Why does it have to be the guy who does the probing for problems?  I mean, I'm glad you've ended it, but if he'd been a good guy, then it's also up to you to communicate

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I'm just so upset about this whole thing. I originally thought things went ok, but looking back..no...it wasn't. Something was off. When I got back home I noticed he had been talking to girls on instagram for at least 2 weeks prior. Something in my gut was saying it felt off but I didnt know what. Now I know.

Hon, you've made all these posts about him.  Things were NOT OK

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It just bothers me that he blames me for being the distant one when he didnt even try to make me feel loved, appreciated or comfortable in his home. Maybe he thinks he did? And now he's off talking to other women like I never existed. Because when I broke up with him he said ok I understand, I dont know what I want, I need to focus on myself right now...then that was it. No sorry, no nothing. 

To be fair, you have said that you're matching his distance, so he's correct that you're being distant.  But honestly, when you were in his home, he was clearly uncomfortable too.  He could have made you feel loved, appreciated and comfortable would have been fake on his end.   It really wasn't working for either of you.

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 It also makes me feel bad that maybe I should have been the one to open him up or something. I have no idea how to feel right now other than sad and confused. 

In a good relationship BOTH have to open to EACH OTHER.  In this case, it sounds like neither of you vibed with the other, hence the lack of opening, caring and communication.   And the thing I'd suggest you do now is figure out why you got so attached to someone who really wasn't working for you

Edited November 17, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

Good for you.

Your entire relationship has been characterized by being complacent with him.

He initially succeeded in keeping you by lying to you about a child. There are a lot of things he would have to answer for. I'm sure he tried to elude this. Here's the thing, the next man you date, if he has a child/ren, a wife, a girlfriend, a separated or divorced spouse, an STD, run from the law, been to prison, sells drugs, or anything that should be known, expect to be informed upfront. Telling someone about important things in your life, especially about children, is not a matter of waiting for the right time.

I’m glad you ended this relationship and moved on, and it will be hard, but be very thankful you had a fortunate end to this novel encounter.

Don’t rush anything or force relationships to happen. Continue to maintain your focus on your career, your goals, and having fun and enjoying life. Continue to date, and keep it casual and let this be a lesson for you.

Edited November 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[CalipsoRose]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 

He initially succeeded in keeping you by lying to you about the child. There are a lot of things he would have to answer for. I'm sure he tried to elude this. Here's the thing, the next man you date, if he has a child/ren, a wife, a girlfriend, a separated or divorced spouse, an STD, run from the law, been to prison, sells drugs, or anything that should be known, expect to be informed upfront. Telling someone about important things in your life, especially about your children, is not a matter of waiting for the right time.

 

He....he actually did in fact inform me up front that he had been to prison.

Its eye opening to get a fresh look at the summary of the relationship from everyone and actually made me laugh at some points, thank you. We would text all day every and send pictures to each other and face time and call, so yeah for 3 months of that you get used to it and I DID feel like he was my boyfriend despite the lack of in person interactions. I feel bad now that I overstayed my welcome and made him uncomfortable in his own home. He said his stint in prison made him really closed off and he was very stoic in person. I was supposed to stay for 5 days, took a plane there. Honestly he was a 10/10 in terms of exactly my "type", he was drop dead gorgeous to me AND I loved his background in spirituality which was also his business, which I too am in the same field. Its not like we had nothing in common or that there was a lack of emotion throughout those 3 months. The end part just sucked. 

Edited November 17, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

I feel bad now that I overstayed my welcome and made him uncomfortable in his own home. 

Girl please.  Don't feel bad for him.  Feel bad for yourself for putting yourself through that.  It sounds excruciatingly uncomfortable for both of you, frankly.  

[basil67]

@CalipsoRose Have you ever had a good relationship (even if it eventually ended) to use as a baseline for what is reasonable to expect?

And may I add that you have pretty low standards for a 10/10 type?   Being good looking and having one thing in common is an extremelylow baseline.  Looks are only surface deep and being spiritual doesn't say anything about who he is as a person.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

Honestly he was a 10/10 in terms of exactly my "type"

Does you type include:

-men who've done time in prison
-men who pretend they don't have kids
-men who disappear randomly and invent stupid BS about being on an "enjoyment fast"
-men who chat up hot women on social meida

Girl. You need to get real with yourself. This guy sucks. He was not a catch and you overlooked and rationalized away a significant number of red flags. The truth is that you barely know each other. You have spent, what, 9-10 days together in person? That's partly why it was so awkward together - you are practically strangers. Texting isn't dating, and it turns out you don't mesh well in person - and thank goodness for that, because he's not boyfriend material at all. 

I would take time off dating. Work on raising your standards. It's not worth tossing away reasonable, basic expectations just so you can say you have a boyfriend. 

[CalipsoRose]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Does you type include:

-men who've done time in prison
-men who pretend they don't have kids
-men who disappear randomly and invent stupid BS about being on an "enjoyment fast"
-men who chat up hot women on social meida

Girl. You need to get real with yourself. This guy sucks. He was not a catch and you overlooked and rationalized away a significant number of red flags. The truth is that you barely know each other. You have spent, what, 9-10 days together in person? That's partly why it was so awkward together - you are practically strangers. Texting isn't dating, and it turns out you don't mesh well in person - and thank goodness for that, because he's not boyfriend material at all. 

I would take time off dating. Work on raising your standards. It's not worth tossing away reasonable, basic expectations just so you can say you have a boyfriend. 

Ok and get this too, during the break up talk, he was trying to actually give me advice about my life?? By saying I need to focus on my work and do a "dopamine detox". The dude was honestly preachy, judgmental and hyper critical. He thought he knew everything and gave advice to everyone because of what he did for a living.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, CalipsoRose said:

The dude was honestly preachy, judgmental and hyper critical. He thought he knew everything and gave advice to everyone because of what he did for a living.

Maybe, but you chose this guy to be your boyfriend. 

Why? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said:

....he actually did in fact inform me up front that he had been to prison.

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps 

What was he in prison for?  Unfortunately it seems almost like you were drawn in by superficial insincere charm and whatever Svengali like effect he had on you.

You dodged a bullet. Rest, relax and reflect. Run from red flags sooner rather than later.

Edited November 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Els]

Hey, sorry to hear that. You tried and it failed. These things happen, no need to beat yourself up over it.

In the future, I definitely think it would be beneficial for you to be less forgiving, at least at the beginning. If a brand new person is showing you all these red flags, that likely means that you need to run. I know it sucks, especially if you already built up rapport, but that's what the initial phases of dating are for. They are for you to assess this person and to see whether or not they are a good match for you.

I wish you all the best in your next R.

[Gaeta]

It's hard to understad why you liked him at all. 

Sounds like you were attached to the idea of being in a relationsip, certainly you could not be attached to a man that's as cold as a dead fish. This man looked down on you et he's the one with a criminal record and dead beat father.

You need to have higher standards for yourself when you date.

The hurt will pass. It's not love, this man cannot possibly generated feelings of love in you. It's likely emotional depency on your part.

Also who cares what he thinks? He's a nobody! Who lied, treated you badly, ex criminal, why would his opinion of you mean anything? Get that out of your head. 

[Weezy1973]

11 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Honestly he was a 10/10 in terms of exactly my "type", he was drop dead gorgeous to me…

So this is why I often preach that initial attraction / chemistry shouldn’t be taken as all that important when dating. Your thread is a perfect example, yet you see it time and time again. People claiming they NEED that super strong attraction. And they’ll twist things and ignore red flags to be with someone who clearly is not going to be a good partner.

 

I’ll also say that women in general are better at looking at a guy for both relationship qualities and balancing that with attraction. Men tend to be more sex / attraction focused initially so it’s usually women that get to choose from the pool of men that are attracted to them. For those women where sexual attraction is the driver and relationship qualities don’t play a role in their overall attraction, they’re unfortunately more prone to this type of situation happening over and over again. Not sure there’s an easy solution.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

Ok and get this too, during the break up talk, he was trying to actually give me advice about my life?? By saying I need to focus on my work and do a "dopamine detox". The dude was honestly preachy, judgmental and hyper critical. He thought he knew everything and gave advice to everyone because of what he did for a living.

Unfortunately there were many exit signs on this highway, that were missed. Distance. Prison. Lying about a tattoo. 'Internet detox" story, etc. That's ok, you finally got off this highway so you did the right thing. 

[poppyfields]

@Calipso, I am truly sorry.   And I wont fault or judge you because I've been there too -- allowing my emotions (based on hormones and intoxicating chemistry) to drive my ship. 

That intoxicating chemistry can be so dangerous, it can play mind tricks with us causing us to believe things that have literally no basis in reality, which is what I think happened here.

It wasn't easy and took loads of internal work, introspection and self-reflection, but once I started incorporating logic into my thought process combined with emotion, I began making better decisions and my relationships improved, all leading to my husband who I married last July.

That is my hope for you.  That you will learn from this and begin doing the necessary introspection and self-reflection allowing you to make wiser choices.

I realize as women, we are often driven by emotion, however it is so important to incorporate logic as well.  Again, not easy but so necessary.

Good luck Calipso and hope you feel better soon, time heals I promise you!

Hugs.

 

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[CalipsoRose]

Thanks everyone. I honestly had to drink while I was there that 5 days just to feel even slightly comfortable in his presence. I also realized that we only had sex once...I cant believe that didnt dawn on me...maybe I was acting like a "ghost mentally" or whatever he said...maybe I was acting aloof...maybe it was because I was drinking just to feel at ease there so I dont remember everything...I am trying to remember if we were intimate a second time but I cant. How??? How did we go 5 days without any real intimacy...and how did I not notice at the time how strange that was? must have really been on autopilot from my anxiety and panic levels (I have anxiety disorder). 

I guess thats what he meant. But he was acting the exact same way. We didnt really have any in depth talks or sweet exchanges...he wouldnt really kiss me deeply it was just pecks...was this all me giving him a strange vibe or was it him?? I dont know! I DO know that every time I tried to give him a hug it was me walking towards him to hug him, not him giving me a hug. Thats when I would pat his back and he would say "No patting! No patting...I'm not a dog." Maybe its a prison thing.

Edited November 17, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[basil67]

3 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I guess thats what he meant. But he was acting the exact same way. We didnt really have any in depth talks or sweet exchanges...he wouldnt really kiss me deeply it was just pecks...was this all me giving him a strange vibe or was it him?? I dont know! I DO know that every time I tried to give him a hug it was me walking towards him to hug him, not him giving me a hug. Thats when I would pat his back and he would say "No patting! No patting...I'm not a dog." Maybe its a prison thing.

May I kindly suggest you stop analysing?  The disconnect was mutual - and this is all the knowledge you should need to be able to walk away from it all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

But he was acting the exact same way.

Exactly. He was puposely avoiding you. You can't get intimate with someone who doesn't want to get intimate with you. 

7 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

.maybe I was acting like a "ghost mentally"

No. This is a weird phrase he invented to deflect from the fact that he's lost interest and is likely talking to other women. Stop blaming yourself, and start paying more attention to the red flags when you see them. 

[CalipsoRose]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

What was he in prison for?  Unfortunately it seems almost like you were drawn in by superficial insincere charm and whatever Svengali like effect he had on you

Attempted murder via vehicle. I am doing my best to move on today but still rehashing everything in my mind. I feel embarrassed that he said I acted like a ghost mentally, whatever that means. Aloof I guess. It was a ptsd response because I kept going into the bathroom to avoid having a panic attack. The whole 5 days there was extremely stressful for me since I'm a homebody and being thrown into such a weird environment was challenging to say the least. Sometimes I would even take a drink with me into the bathroom. I just feel bad. I also feel sad that he's now calling someone else beautiful every morning and texting and FaceTiming other women (I know, I know, but feelings still exist). 

Im embarrassed that he saw me that frazzled and he thinks I probably have a mental issue now because he claims I was just going with the motions and he "didnt know what was going on"...god...it makes me never want to date again. It just sucks.

[Alpacalia]

Just now, CalipsoRose said:

Attempted murder via vehicle.

🤦‍♀️Oye.

You've left me speechless.

[basil67]

You are seriously worried about what a guy who was jailed for attempted murder thinks of you?   And rather than being sad that he's not thinking of you, why aren't you worried for whatever new woman he's speaking to? 

I say this kindly - are you working through this in therapy?  I know feelings aren't always rational, but you're taking it to the extreme here

[CalipsoRose]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Exactly. He was puposely avoiding you. You can't get intimate with someone who doesn't want to get intimate with you. 

No. This is a weird phrase he invented to deflect from the fact that he's lost interest and is likely talking to other women. Stop blaming yourself, and start paying more attention to the red flags when you see them. 

He was kinda distant the first trip I saw him though too. He claims it was because of his 8 year prison stint. He said his mind isn't right yet because he just go out a year ago and is still trying to adjust. I knew right when he got on instagram last month, which is basically a dating site, that its like letting the flood gates open for a guy who is starved for women. It doesnt hurt that he's kinda a big deal in the metaphysical community and tons of women are clamoring to be with him because they literally think he's like a messiah or something. I'm not kidding. He's got his own little fan girl group adding him every day on there.

Wanna know the funny part? Him getting an instagram was an idea I accidentally gave to him. So this is basically my fault.

Edited November 18, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

He was kinda distant the first trip I saw him though too. He claims it was because of his 8 year prison stint.

Calipso, why on earth did you keep "dating" this guy?

That's a sincere question. I am curious to hear your response.