Concerns about my new boyfriend [UPDATE: I ended it. Now working through emotions]

[BaileyB]

I will say, I had a rather embarrassing moment during sex and the way my partner reacted with such kindness and humour, I remember thinking - I love him. We hadn’t said it yet, but I just remember thinking… this is a really good guy and I really love him. 

Honestly, this is only one moment in your life and I’m sorry to say, only the first embarrassing moment that you will share with this guy if you keep him around… Be kind to yourself, try to laugh it off, and let it go. It will be ok, a guy who loves you will be more concerned with helping you to feel ok about it than anything else. 

[stillafool]

I've never fallen off the bed.  Things started in the bed and ended up on the floor and that's about it.

[Mike B.]

It will all feel better once the swelling goes down. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is nothing. As long as you're injured it's quite funny.

But let me see here:  I broke up with her because she accidentally fell out of the bed. Or ... I really like her, but I'm really unhappy that she fell out of bed during sex. 

My friends would think I was nuts. All of them!

You gotta cut yourself some slack. There are many funny moments with partners. You're a bit into perfectionism ... thinking you have to be a perfect robot in order to keep someone's interest. Uh no. You can be human. You could drop out of bed and then later walk into a wall, and that's not going to destroy someone's attraction to you. 

Edited November 14, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

Oh honey, you've got to learn be be able to laugh at yourself.   Falling off the bed during sex should be a moment of hilarity!   Or at least it was last time I did it

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Oh honey, you've got to learn be be able to laugh at yourself.   Falling off the bed during sex should be a moment of hilarity!   Or at least it was last time I did it

Totally agree. It is actually a good story. You got your first sex injury too. Wear it with honor.  😊

Edited November 14, 2022 by Mrin

[CalipsoRose]

During the initial talking/dating phase, my bf of 2 months told me that no, he didnt have kids when I asked him. We never talked about the subject again. Well, last week I was with him and noticed a tattoo on him with a girls name. I asked him who that was and he said its my daughter, and told me she is 8 years old but he doesn't see or talk to her and I got the impression that he has no relationship with the mother too because he said he doesnt talk to her either. I didnt want to pry and ask too many questions after that because I was kind of in shock soaking it all in. what would you do in this situation? I was so in shock that I asked what's her name? again, and he said take a guess and showed me again (I was like 🤯) 

Edited November 14, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[BaileyB]

I would ask him for more information. If you are going to date the guy, you should be able to ask if he sees his child. I would be seriously unimpressed that he lied about having children.

Huge red flag - he lied to you. second potential huge red flag - he has a child that he does not see. Does he pay child support? These are things you will want to know if you are considering something serious with this man.

[glows]

How do you feel about him lying, having no relationship with his 8 year old daughter and having a child? 

I’d be wondering how many more there are and what else he’s lied about.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dump him. He lied to you. You "forgive him" for this one, trust me: he'll feel comfortable mentioning many more lies.

And ... he might be lying about the tattoo. Could be the name of a gf, former or current!

This is where people get into trouble: continuing after a blatant lie. Dump him. You let this go and the lesson he learns: you'll let anything go. 

[ExpatInItaly]

That would be an immediate deal-breaker for me. 

Lying about having children is seriously messed-up. I wouldn't date a person who is dishonest about such an important matter. 

[ZA Dater]

I'd walk, if he did not tell the truth here, what else going forward will he not tell the truth about.

 

[Alpacalia]

It could be an ex's tattoo that he doesn't want to reveal to you. Then he made up a story about never seeing his child since the child was most likely "made up." It's in your best interest to seriously reconsider dating this individual, regardless of the reason.

He wasn't forthcoming about having a child.

Not seeing his child means he either doesn't wish to be involved in the life of his child or that his ex does not want him around her or their child. Neither is good.

That or he has a separate family (i.e. wife, child) that he is still very much a part of that he does not want you to know about.

Edited November 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

, last week I was with him and noticed a tattoo on him with a girls name.

How often do you see each other in person? Where is the tattoo?

The issue with dating is that it's much harder to know someone in their real day-to-day lives.

8 weeks dating is a good time to cut your losses when you observe a red flag like this.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I just felt so stupid and awkward and it was hard to get back in the moment. 

Don't worry about "getting back in the moment". You can just take a break and cuddle or whatever. He didn't seem to comfort you at all, preferring to make a joke rather than seeing if you are ok.. Rethink the relationship. 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

what would you do in this situation?

I would have said "you told me you didn't have any kids?".  Why didn't you call him out on lying about the that?  I have no respect for people who hide their kids.

[introverted1]

Bad as lying about it is, I'd be even more worried about what led to his not being in his daughter's life any more.

[Alpacalia]

It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I am more concerned that instead of asking how you are instead he asks if you are on drugs?

I know, you probably don't want to hear this, but that sounds like a jerk move on his part.

Most adults know that accidents sometimes happen during playtime.

You're being intimate with each other so it wouldn't hurt for him to show a little more tact and tenderness.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Bad as lying about it is, I'd be even more worried about what led to his not being in his daughter's life any more.

This was my thought too^^^^.  I would punt him to the curb. total deal breaker. 

Edited November 14, 2022 by smackie9

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I didnt want to pry and ask too many questions after that because I was kind of in shock.

Well, how "did" you respond?  

@CalipsoRose that wouid have been the perfect opportunity to assert boundaries, specifically about lying. 

I had this happen once, not about children, it was about him being previously married.   And I immediately told him that if our relationship was to succeed (at that point it was 8 months) - NO lying.  

That I don't care what it is, that we always be truthful with each other even if it's not something he thinks I want to hear.

And that I would do same.

Say this kindly but assertively.

Our relationship lasted two more years after that incident and he never lied again, to my knowledge and I'm pretty perceptive, l understand body language etc. 

If he continues being untruthful or shady about anything after that, then dump.

That said, in your case it's only two months, the observation stage.

And if you feel like this is dump-worthy, and you could never trust him again, then move on. 

It really depends on how close you are and how great (or not so great) your bond is.

Me?  I like to use these incidents as opportunities to communicate, define boundaries and build intimacy and trust.  Which also includes details re his daughter, why he never sees her, etc. 

Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions; if he cares, he will answer.

If his lying continues after that, it's a straight dump. 

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

 

Edited November 14, 2022 by poppyfields

[Els]

Major red flag. Lying, especially about something THIS big (we're not exactly talking about a small white lie here), would be a dealbreaker for many people. And for good reason, too.

I would leave and block him immediately. If he can lie about having kids, there's literally nothing else that he can't lie about. Currently married? Has HIV? Has 6-figure debt? All of those things are well within his capability to lie about.

I'm also perplexed that you would make both this thread and the "falling off the bed" one at the same time... how are you even worrying about a funny little accident on your part when he's uttered such a huge lie to you??? It makes no sense.

Edited November 14, 2022 by Elswyth

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I feel really embarrassed because I fell off the bed during sex for the first time ever in front of my new boyfriend of 2 months.

Is this the same guy who lied abut not having kids when he has a daughter?  If so, I think falling out of bed is something you should do permanently, and then go on to fall out the door.

[CalipsoRose]

31 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Is this the same guy who lied abut not having kids when he has a daughter?  If so, I think falling out of bed is something you should do permanently, and then go on to fall out the door.

🤣😂

[poppyfields]

Not sure why you were embarrassed, it was a funny moment between you and my take is he was totally teasing you about being on drugs.  

Gotta learn to laugh a bit more at such things; if your relationship continues, I'm sure there will be many more to come!

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

14 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

During the initial talking/dating phase, my bf of 2 months told me that no, he didnt have kids when I asked him. We never talked about the subject again. Well, last week I was with him and noticed a tattoo on him with a girls name. I asked him who that was and he said its my daughter, and told me she is 8 years old but he doesn't see or talk to her and I got the impression that he has no relationship with the mother too because he said he doesnt talk to her either. I didnt want to pry and ask too many questions after that because I was kind of in shock soaking it all in. what would you do in this situation? I was so in shock that I asked what's her name? again, and he said take a guess and showed me again (I was like 🤯) 

asking about having kids means are you responsible in some way with them.

 

some will say in situations like he is in where he has a child but does not have weekends taking care of her which interrupts dating life.  You don’t know his situation.  He could have been just a sperm donor for a lesbian couple to have a child.  Maybe he found out much later that  he was a parent but his name isn’t even on her birth certificate or itwas part of an affair he had with a married woman who gave birth and it says her husband is the father.