Concerns about my new boyfriend [UPDATE: I ended it. Now working through emotions]

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said:

He has PTSD.

Is he in therapy for this?

[CalipsoRose]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 

How is your head not spinning? I think you really need to rein yourself in and get clear on some things.

My head has been spinning so much the last few days I actually have a headache lol. I agree. I'm matching his energy and pulling back. Thats why I'm not going to reach out to him today (we usually speak every day) and see how long it takes for him to reach out. Who knows when that'll be. Thats causing my regular anxiety to go through the roof.

[CalipsoRose]

Just now, introverted1 said:

Is he in therapy for this?

Not that I'm aware of, but I havent specifically asked.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said:

3 months. He's in another state. I spent 4 days with him the first time and then 5 days with him last time. No he's never disappeared before.

Take your time and reflect if this is someone who you want to explore further. He seems high maintenance already.

It's been two long dates so this  still seems casual. He may be talking to/seeing others locally. Slow down and just observe.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

Not that I'm aware of, but I havent specifically asked.

Then there is no point to continuing. The problems you are describing are not the type someone can just will away.  He needs professional help. His problems will sink you both. 

[FMW]

His actions and words (listen to them all, not just the lovey ones) are telling you where he's at in life right now.  Listen and pay attention.  That includes anything he says that isn't backed up by action.  You naturally want a regular dating relationship and progression forward.  He's not the guy to invest in for that.  If you stay with him you have to be ok with where he is, right now, not how things might change or improve.  Not many women, or anyone for that matter, would be ok with what you have.  

Don't make yourself crazy trying to be understanding and caring when he is showing he's not got a lot to invest in you or a relationship.  This is what he's offering.  It's up to you to accept it or to move along.  Never hold on expecting things will change for the better.    

Focus on you and your needs.  If he's not providing you what you need in a relationship, don't hang around.  It's only been three months.  It will only get harder if you keep hanging on and get more invested.  

[Alpacalia]

18 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

My head has been spinning so much the last few days I actually have a headache lol. I agree. I'm matching his energy and pulling back. Thats why I'm not going to reach out to him today (we usually speak every day) and see how long it takes for him to reach out. Who knows when that'll be. Thats causing my regular anxiety to go through the roof.

I wouldn't be matching his energy. I would be rethinking this whole thing if I were you.

[CalipsoRose]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I wouldn't be matching his energy. I would be rethinking this whole thing if I were you.

Yes, I definitely am. It just really sucks. I was ready to stick by his side through the good and the hard times, because thats life. But if he really doesnt give me much the next few days then "the talk" will have to happen eventually.

[Alpacalia]

20 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

Yes, I definitely am. It just really sucks. I was ready to stick by his side through the good and the hard times, because thats life. But if he really doesnt give me much the next few days then "the talk" will have to happen eventually.

I have PTSD. I think it's wonderful that you are compassionate towards that.

Meanwhile, you're uprooting your life, you're in the dark about a lot of things. The responsible thing for him to do is to get treated for it and stick with it, and you are uncertain whether he is even doing that.

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

Yes, I definitely am. It just really sucks. I was ready to stick by his side through the good and the hard times, because thats life.

Not really. With a guy like this, it's you having very few boundaries. 

It sounds like he could do nearly anything and you would find a way to excuse it or justify it. People will him will absolutely take advantage of that. You are going to learn the painful way that this is not how good relationships are built. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, CalipsoRose said:

But with him, he told me that he went an entire year this year without dating anyone

This is the same man who also told you he didn't have children.

In other words, you already know he's perfectly capable of telling you things that aren't true. It sounds to me like he might be spending time with someone else right now, and invented the "enjoyment fast" to keep you (or her) from catching on. 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

So he said he needs to work a lot more on his business and he has to "go into the lab for awhile". He told me yesterday that he is going to do an "enjoyment fast" where he doesnt watch tv or go online at all unless its for his business. I think he included me in that enjoyment fast, because he said he will be turning his phone notifications off for "most of the day" and will be putting his phone away (he made it sound like he's going to do this every day, for awhile) "just fyi if I dont respond to you" so he can focus on his online business.

Does this^ sound legit to you?  It sure doesn't to me, not by a LONG shot.   

Common sense tells me he will be spending that time with another woman and doesn't want any intrusion.

@CalipsoRoseit appears you are doing quite a bit of mental maneuvering attempting to make the unacceptable, acceptable.   You say you are afraid to confront for fear you will put "pressure" on him and drive him away; girl that is one of the BIGGEST mistakes a woman could ever make and will result in the opposite happening.

He can sense your fear and it's causing him to lose respect for you.  Which may be why he's pulling back now, telling you a story about "going into the lab," and won't be accessible, what a crock of you know what, c'mon.

What you are doing is loving HIM, caring about HIM more than you love and care about yourself, may I ask why?

You have value, you are worth a man wanting to talk to you, to spend time with you and NOT make up stories to avoid you.

You are only 2-3 months in, very early stages.  This is the time for observing and determining if he (or any man) is the right fit for long term.

Please don't allow chemical hormones OR your emotions to drive your ship here which is what I sense you are doing, HUGE mistake.

If this were me, after a man I have been dating 2-3 months fed me this load of garbage, I would see right through it and dump no matter how intoxicating the chemistry.

I have done it!  And that's my advice to you, at least consider it.  If you don't, I can almost guarantee that eventually HE will.

Choose wisely from the get go and avoid disappointment, hurt and heartbreak later.

Edited November 15, 2022 by poppyfields

[CalipsoRose]

Welp...he hasn't texted me all day, so I decided to check his instagram for the first time in weeks. If you go to someones "following" tab on a computer (not on the phone) it will show you in chronological order when the last people who were added were after you. He has added a TON of ONLY hot women on there. Like over 50 of them. Granted, its his business instagram but this means that whenever someone adds him because they're a fan of his work, he's ONLY adding back the hot attractive girls. 

Even if he isn't actually cheating, this is still very disrespectful because at the very least, it means he's looking for eye candy and possibly messaging them. 

I think I will break up with him tomorrow.

[NuevoYorko]

2 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

I think I will break up with him tomorrow.

Whoa.  Well, I'm not arguing; if you feel like breaking up that's what you should do.  But you JUST said you wouldn't even initiate a conversation with him about his being a parent because you are trying to not put pressure on him.  

I guess the point I want to make is that you will need to handle relationships in a mature way very soon.  That means talking about the hard stuff and making good decisions for yourself based on what you learn.  It seems to me like you just avoided all the hard stuff; you have been trying to make excuses for everything and not get clarity on any of it.  And now you are ready to just - poof!  

Again, it might not be a bad idea at all but you sure did an about face quickly without talking to this person.

 

[CalipsoRose]

Ive been feeling him pulling back for days...no more good. morning or good night texts, barely being affectionate. I have honestly been crying today because of it and I even cried in the taxi ride home because something just felt off and he seemed cold, I guess it was a chemistry issue even though he was incredibly handsome. Idk. Just saying its not really an about face. Ive seen this type of behavior before where a guy adds a ton of hot girls on instagram and in my past relationship it has always meant one thing - cheating.

I am going to send him a lengthy text tomorrow being open and honest and I'll leave some room for an open ended response from him, in other words not completely breaking up with him but I AM going to say if "you're not on the same page then we shouldn't continue this any further"

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

I am going to send him a lengthy text tomorrow being open and honest and I'll leave some room for an open ended response from him, in other words not completely breaking up with him but I AM going to say if "you're not on the same page then we shouldn't continue this any further"

Didn't you just post that he will be on an "enjoyment fast" and in his lab for the next few days or longer?   

I wouldn't send him anything.  Just consider it over and when he returns from his enjoyment fast or whatever the heck it is, and gets in touch, IF he gets in touch, tell him this isn't working for you anymore, wish him well and walk.

If this were a LTR, I might have a different suggestion but there have been so many red flags with him, after only 2-3 months, I don't think anything needs to be said.  No lengthy protracted text messages, he probably won't read anyway, he's done.

Walk away with your head high and learn from this, that's all you can do. 

You don't need his permission or approval to end your involvement @calipso.

 

 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

am going to send him a lengthy text tomorrow being open and honest and I'll leave some room for an open ended response from him, in other words not completely breaking up with him but I AM going to say if "you're not on the same page then we shouldn't continue this any further"

But why?

Just block him and don't look back. You had 2 fun trips over there. It was good while it lasted. At a couple of months datings a relationship has to grow, not hit bottom!

Please find a local man to date.

[Alpacalia]

This isn't about "being on the same page."

He lied to you about not having a child.

He has no involvement in his child's life.

Instagram is a networking platform for hot women.

His social media account is filled with random strangers, yet he claims to be in financial chaos because he fell for a scam?

There is a scam going on here, it sounds like he is running it.

[mortensorchid]

He lied to you about this.  He has a tattoo of a woman's name on himself and he doesn't expect others to ask him who she is?!?!?!!  It doesn't matter what kind of relationship he does or doesn't have with her, he lied.  Why did he lie?  To be more attractive to you or others thinking he has no children?  It doesn't make sense.

He will lie about something else to you if you ignore it.  Fact.  So run away now.

[ExpatInItaly]

So him following a bunch of eye candy on social media is a problem for you, but lying about having children isn't?

OP. With respect, it might be wise to take time off dating and work on resetting your priorities. They're all over the place and you are going to continue to attach yourself to bad apples if you don't sort it out. I would have dumped this guy the moment he revealed he did in fact have kids, but you managed to make that okay for yourself. Now he's showing you another red flag. 

This is why you need higher standards for the men in your life. Run the first time you encounter a major red flag (like lying about having children) Don't let them pile up until you get where you are now. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I am going to send him a lengthy text tomorrow being open and honest and I'll leave some room for an open ended response from him.

Please don't do this. He already told you he's on a "vacation from the internet". You won't reel him back in with something like that. It will leave you even more hurt when he ignores it.

His story about being incommunicado sounds like BS and at some level you sense this.

Step far away and reflect if chasing someone like this is just another heartache in the making. You're angry and hurt already. Pouring your heart out in a text replete with ultimatums won't resolve your pain.

Take a vacation from him yourself and simply reflect on what makes you happy or unhappy.

Keep in mind, it's entirely up to you how much you want to put up with from him. He'll just keep dishing out whatever nonsense works until you put an end to the nonsense.

Edited November 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would have dumped this guy the moment he revealed he did in fact have kids, but you managed to make that okay for yourself.

Well he is handsome so doing mental gymnastics to date a handsome guy seems reasonable if it’s just an abandoned child we’re talking about. If he’s following attractive women on Instagram on the other hand, that’s just unacceptable no matter how handsome he is! 

[bene]

18 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

his ptsd causes him to make rude remarks to me sometimes I think. I cant tell if he's joking or serious so I brush it off or laugh it off,

Mental health issues are not a free pass to treat people like a jerk. 

Don’t waste your time saving men who are not your husband or close family (and even then there’s a line). I know that it’s easy to reason along the lines of “I’ll be the only one who treats him right and he will fall madly if love with me in return”. Sadly, it often doesn’t work out this way. People are not projects.

[bene]

18 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

I dont want to lose him and I feel like if I start putting any pressure on him right now while he's going through all this, he'll just leave.

This is just painful to read. Whenever you have any questions or concerns you’re walking on eggshells because he might leave. How long can you keep doing that? Why is he not putting his best foot forward to keep you from leaving?

[glows]

He isn’t talking to you so why write him a lengthy text? Mute the contact or block and delete everywhere. Most people can smell a scam before the stink pongs the daylights out of a room. For someone who thinks online dating apps are trashy and then turns around adding plenty of random women on social media seems hypocritical. I’d also question whether he himself is a scammer or has gambling issues. 

Don’t give him any money either. If you want to move do it for your own reasons and get rid of this guy. You don’t have to do it with many words either. Make your technology work for you.