Concerns about my new boyfriend [UPDATE: I ended it. Now working through emotions]

[Alpacalia]

Being locked up will change a lot of things in your head. Baggage is a fact of life, and everyone has it, but there are some types of baggage that have to be discussed more often than others. Particularly true for those who have served prison terms.

You don't know how and if he received any treatment while he was in jail, or after being released. In the short time you got to know him, you were planning to move closer to him. Really, what were you thinking? That is such an irresponsible and impulsive act on your part.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

 He claims it was because of his 8 year prison stint. 

Delete and block him first and foremost.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for STD testing. You don't know who's he's been with, especially in prison.

Discuss the drinking as a way to cope with panic attacks. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

There's no reason to worry or wonder about your impression on him. Especially if you describe him as similar to Charles Manson.

Just curious. Did you start correspondence with him while he was in prison? Many prisoners seek out vulnerable women to prey on when they get out so use their best sociopathy skills with charm, letters, etc. to secure that.

[CalipsoRose]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Calipso, why on earth did you keep "dating" this guy?

That's a sincere question. I am curious to hear your response. 

I genuinely liked him and even though he had a rough past when he was younger he managed to create a big business and is on the path to a better life so thats what I saw in him and was willing to forgive certain indiscretions. I thought he would open up more and his stoic demeanor was from prison.

Edited November 18, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[CalipsoRose]

56 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 

You don't know how and if he received any treatment while he was in jail, or after being released. In the short time you got to know him, you were planning to move closer to him. Really, what were you thinking? That is such an irresponsible and impulsive act on your part.

He lived in an area that I had wanted to move to 3 years ago so I figured it would have been the perfect opportunity and since I am self employed I was able to consider it. But its not happening now, so...relieved about that cuz I dont feel like moving house soon honestly but wanted to be closer to him. I know. Stupid. Thats what falling for someone will do to you I guess. 

[CalipsoRose]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Just curious. Did you start correspondence with him while he was in prison? Many prisoners seek out vulnerable women to prey on when they get out so use their best sociopathy skills with charm, letters, etc. to secure that.

No. Hes a year out and we met online

Edited November 18, 2022 by CalipsoRose

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

was willing to forgive certain indiscretions.

Is this not the same man who also lied about having kids?

That is not an "indisrection." That's a major deception. You need to have boundaries, OP. 

This is an honest question, but have you had a boyfriend before? 

[CalipsoRose]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is this not the same man who also lied about having kids?

That is not an "indisrection." That's a major deception. You need to have boundaries, OP. 

This is an honest question, but have you had a boyfriend before? 

I have honestly never really had a healthy long term relationship before. I have had bad relationships that ended in cheating usually so my self esteem is on the floor and the trauma I have from childhood is why I have an anxiety disorder. I know, therapy.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, CalipsoRose said:

I have honestly never really had a healthy long term relationship before. I have had bad relationships that ended in cheating usually so my self esteem is on the floor and the trauma I have from childhood is why I have an anxiety disorder. I know, therapy.

Yes, therapy would likely help you with you anxiety.

But it would also help you in learning to avoid bad seeds just to have a relationship. You seem rather desperate for a boyfriend, or rather, desperate to be loved - and I would imagine that’s why you’re attaching yourself too quickly to a guy who paid attention to you and said some sweet words. That’s not a shot at you, to be clear. But your decision to overlook so many bad things about this man indicates you are not in a good place to date right now. Your bar is too low. 

In the future, stay away from men who are this far away. You can’t get to know them on any reasonable level. I imagine you know only the tip of the iceberg even about this one, and what you do know is pretty bad. You need to a draw a line someone or you’ll continue to attract low-quality men like this one. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

He lived in an area that I had wanted to move to 3 years ago so I figured it would have been the perfect opportunity and since I am self employed I was able to consider it. But its not happening now, so...relieved about that cuz I dont feel like moving house soon honestly but wanted to be closer to him. I know. Stupid. Thats what falling for someone will do to you I guess. 

We all like to think we make generally good choices but sometimes we just don't.  Even if you know this dude was basically the worst human being you could ever hope to be romantically attached to, it doesn’t always stop you from falling for him. Not trying to beat you up over it I'm just hoping this will be a huge wakeup call.

Give yourself a break— you can’t force your emotions to go one way or the other.

Count your blessings that you got out of this. It just may have saved your life. I'm really glad that you did. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, CalipsoRose said:

No. Hes a year out and we met online

Did you meet through an online dating site? In the meantime, I suggest you stick with real-life connections and steer clear of online dating.