How to feel better about myself

[ZA Dater]

 I guess this is a fairly stupid question in some respects, in order to keep this fairly brief I have sort of created a life devoted to others rather than myself. I have made a lot of sacrifices with the benefit of others rather than myself my belief of course being to give to others and help others where I can.

Ostensibly I like to do good where I can. I always thought this was a good way to go through life but lately it just feels like I give and give to people but there is little to no appreciation. My life is very full,  by design I created this monster where work take precedence over everything else but in truth I use work to hide the fact I simply do not have anything else. I have few to no friends, my down time once again involves arranging things for the benefit of others.

All around me every single day I see people take advantage of others for their own benefit, I have never done that because my thinking is recognition would come from loyalty and giving yet the people who take advantage are in a far better situation life wise than me. 

I am chronically lonely but even when I did date someone, this entire life structure makes it fairly impossible to date, there are endless people who need for me this and that and I cant just walk away. 

More and more I am becoming aware I have simply just wasted life and achieve nothing. Yes other people have benefitted but I am pretty much going nowhere.

Every so often I meet someone who shows me the better part of life but its fleeting at best because inevitably they are just after something I can offer them, once received they move off and I am once again left back where I started.

People have told me I have done so well, the reality is I have not, I take these comments in the same context as being told I was handsome growing up, if that were the case I would not find it impossible to date. Now I also have to live with the fact the ONE chance I had at having a relationship I messed up, I carry around so much baggage so much stress day to day but when I sit back its not like any of the stress is giving me any inherent benefit.

One thing I do try to do is appreciate people around me, which is ironic because  I never really feel very appreciated. 

[glows]

I was in your shoes in another lifetime. Something had to change so I quit the job I was working at the time and did what I dreamt of doing. Never looked back except with gratitude. The idea I have is to never stop growing. If you feel you’re lagging or aren’t doing what you should, change.

[ZA Dater]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

I was in your shoes in another lifetime. Something had to change so I quit the job I was working at the time and did what I dreamt of doing. Never looked back except with gratitude. The idea I have is to never stop growing. If you feel you’re lagging or aren’t doing what you should, change.

The problem in many respect is the boat sailed long ago. I have lots and lots of regrets, opportunities I did not see at the time, lots of unspoken words and a sense that the world offered me what I needed but was too stupid at the time to take.

Its very very tough going through life alone and when I look around for the most part I feel completely out of step with the world. A good example of what I mean, I have not been on holiday in 20 odd years because being alone would take an enjoyment away, its not so much me be alone but rather having nobody to share things with. 

To be frank my life template was built on the premise of having the financial freedom to tick off some of the things I want to do, unfortunately things have not really worked out like that so I am relegated to look at pictures of events and places I will probably never see in my lifetime. 

[basil67]

All in all, you've missed balance.  It sounds like you've worked hard to be able to afford the life you want, but working hard has also meant that relationships came second and you had nobody enjoy your goals with.  Even now, you say that you struggled to maintain this relationship because of family and work demands.

There is some truth to the expression "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".   

A good work/life balance involves delegation and boundaries.  

[ZA Dater]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

All in all, you've missed balance.  It sounds like you've worked hard to be able to afford the life you want, but working hard has also meant that relationships came second and you had nobody enjoy your goals with.  Even now, you say that you struggled to maintain this relationship because of family and work demands.

There is some truth to the expression "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".   

A good work/life balance involves delegation and boundaries.  

Which I still do not have and probably will never have.

I am just feeling really down at the which I course I just hide from everyone as best I can, I try each day to find something to smile out but mostly its the accomplishments of others. Or being able to help someone in some small way.

A good example of a typical day, put tons of work into something and it still does not work out. Yet around me people are living the life they want, dating people they want, feeling wanted in the world, me I just sort of sit looking on, the seasons change, year change but no matter what I try everything remains the same, I cannot forgive myself for making a mess of the best chance I ever had of dating someone. Nothing I can seemingly do can reverse that, that hurts even more.

I'll go so far as to say the things that bring me real joy in life are all unattainable so I am left scratching around for anything to sort of paper over those enormous holes. 

 

[glows]

It may help to see that they are attainable rather than not. That changes things quite a bit if you’re able to see things as a series of opportunities. If something isn’t working it’s an opportunity to try something different/new.

That is also a good point about balance. What Basil is mentioning.

As an aside, my family keeps me grounded. You can’t really replace that kind of loyalty or love. Is there family you can spend time with? 

I’m not sure why you can’t vacation solo. I’ve been doing it off and on for over 20 years and enjoying it, met a lot of people too. Try it.

Edited November 1, 2022 by glows

[ZA Dater]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

It may help to see that they are attainable rather than not. That changes things quite a bit if you’re able to see things as a series of opportunities. If something isn’t working it’s an opportunity to try something different/new.

That is also a good point about balance. What Basil is mentioning.

As an aside, my family keeps me grounded. You can’t really replace that kind of loyalty or love. Is there family you can spend time with? 

I’m not sure why you can’t vacation solo. I’ve been doing it off and on for over 20 years and enjoying it, met a lot of people too. Try it.

My family consists of two parents who are quite sickly and heavily reliant on me. Something I worked hard on this morning fell apart, I'd hoped it would work because it would allow me to actually do a few of the things I want to do but again everything I seem to try just falls apart. The flip here is I get some degree of joy helping others succeed and seeing the fruits they get from that success. 

Going on holiday on my own has no appeal at all. Never really had anyone do much nice for me either, this lady I dated for a bit actually showed me a great degree of kindness and this was the first year in many I actually received a wrapped up surprise birthday gift.

[glows]

I can empathize quite a bit. I was the caregiver for both my parents before they passed away. I’m sorry to hear about your parents. Be there for them but take care of yourself also. There should be support groups in your area. 

Come back to that thing you were doing next week with fresh eyes. I’m assuming it’s a side project, not work related. If it’s work, try again the next day or ask someone if they can lend a second pair of eyes. That helps quite a bit. It’s good that you gain fulfillment from helping others succeed. You have to help you succeed too in whatever capacity to whatever extent you see fit too. It can be through anything, big or little.

If you’ve not tried going on holiday on your own, take a short trip first. I started out like that with short boat/kayak trips one or two hours long, then half a day which turned into overnighters, which then turned into expeditions. And now I usually enjoy more relaxed travel but for me it started as a broke student with no car but I did know how to paddle and I rented boats. You can take a short trip an hour outside of town too and go anywhere you like. Try new things. 

Edited November 1, 2022 by glows

[Weezy1973]

23 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I'll go so far as to say the things that bring me real joy in life are all unattainable

 

How would you know those things will bring you joy if you’ve never been able to attain them? You’re falling into a trap that many do. The “if only…then I’d be happy” trap. If only I had a life partner, then I’d be happy. If only I could lose those pesky 10 pounds, then I’d be happy. If only I had more money, then I’d be happy. 
 

As has been stated many times before, happiness comes from within. It’s more to do with how we frame our lives, feeling gratitude for the things we have and recognizing things could be a lot worse. Finding joy in the small day-to-day things yields much better results than saving up your joy hoping for something epic. 
 

It’s a mindset. And yes, for you, it will take a lot of work to change your mindset. I can recommend some things that might help if you’re interested. That being said, you have a tendency to want to wallow in misery instead of actually taking advice that people give you on here. So do you actually want help with this? Or do you just want to vent / complain?

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

How would you know those things will bring you joy if you’ve never been able to attain them? You’re falling into a trap that many do. The “if only…then I’d be happy” trap. If only I had a life partner, then I’d be happy. If only I could lose those pesky 10 pounds, then I’d be happy. If only I had more money, then I’d be happy. 
 

As has been stated many times before, happiness comes from within. It’s more to do with how we frame our lives, feeling gratitude for the things we have and recognizing things could be a lot worse. Finding joy in the small day-to-day things yields much better results than saving up your joy hoping for something epic. 
 

It’s a mindset. And yes, for you, it will take a lot of work to change your mindset. I can recommend some things that might help if you’re interested. That being said, you have a tendency to want to wallow in misery instead of actually taking advice that people give you on here. So do you actually want help with this? Or do you just want to vent / complain?

I think this is true to only a certain extent. Its all very well to have gratitude but in all honesty if I have to make myself feel better by saying "well it could be a lot worse" is much the same as telling myself I am an attractive person because ostensibly I am not. My view is if something not great then simply just own that and see it for what it is rather than trying to make it seem a bit better by looking at what could be worse.

Fact is the one thing which does make me feel good it to accomplish things, however this seldom actually happens. I have to resort to framing things I do not really see as important as being important to try and make myself feel better. For example a good meeting with a contractor, its nothing in my life because there is ostensibly no benefit.

I am fairly convinced I was put on this planet to just serve others at the expense of myself because EVERY time I set my mind to accomplish something it falls flat and I then need to try make myself feel better by putting some fake positive on the disappointment.

At the end of the day only I can pick myself up and somehow get rid of a lifetime of disappointment. That is really what it is about.

[glows]

This is called catastrophizing. Did you work through that thing yesterday that didn’t work earlier? You had mentioned it fell apart a couple of posts up.

Make smaller bite sized goals. It’s possible to find fulfilment and enjoyment out of life but you have to dig deeper and be willing to put yourself outside your comfort zone at times. Disappointment is normal when something doesn’t turn out as expected but have faith you’ll find a solution. 

Edited November 2, 2022 by glows

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, glows said:

This is called catastrophizing. Did you work through that thing yesterday that didn’t work earlier? You had mentioned it fell apart a couple of posts up.

Make smaller bite sized goals. It’s possible to find fulfilment and enjoyment out of life but you have to dig deeper and be willing to put yourself outside your comfort zone at times. Disappointment is normal when something doesn’t turn out as expected but have faith you’ll find a solution. 

Thanks.

The inherent problem here is nothing actually works out. The issue yesterday unfortunately cannot be revived and can only simply be scrapped, it was once again an opportunity which simply did not work out, as none of them ever do.

My to do list runs to over a page and becomes all consuming, even when I am not doing these things I still know I have to do them so there is no real down time ever. At the end of the day I also need to live with the fact I simply wasted my life chasing things I simply cant accomplish, when I take out those goals there is really nothing else. Its really, really tiring to go about each day trying and trying and not giving up but getting nowhere at all. There just never seems to be any sort of satisfaction with anything, just mountains and mountains of things to do and for years I did them until  a series of events recently made me ask why I am doing them and for what purpose and for what benefit and whose benefit.

Whats really hurt me badly is the sense I pretty much bet everything on one particular outcome, that is the foundation upon which I hoped to build everything else but as years go by I have simply realised that outcome is not likely to happen. I have put everything into trying to make that work but every step of the way I get kicked in the face.

I have watched many of these so called motivational speakers and they all share one thing in common, they speak from a position of success so its easy to throw out cliche after cliche but would they really say the same things if they had not accomplished any success, I doubt it. 

The real problem now is the sense everything is broken and I cant fix any of it, no amount of words or gestures from me can fix the very fundamental mistakes I have made.

Maybe I have just woken up the fact we do not all get to live the life we actually want but have to try and content ourselves with something lesser.

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Maybe I have just woken up the fact we do not all get to live the life we actually want but have to try and content ourselves with something lesser.

This has been your default position pretty much since you’ve been posting. You circle around and your brain keeps coming back. You haven’t just “woken up” to this. It’s your default position and more importantly, right in the centre of your comfort zone. 
 

Also, can you please be a bit more specific. You speak in these broad generalities that don’t seem to pertain to anything. Are you talking about work / career? The recent end of your relationship? Hobbies? 
 

You bet everything on one particular outcome? What was that specifically? 
 

I know it’s hard to see - but your most recent relationship was actually a significant success. Hard to get that so soon after the break up. But you were convinced that it was impossible to date someone where there was mutual attraction. Then it happened. You didn’t believe successful, happy relationships existed. And then you met her friends and realized they do. You were fixated on younger women, and broadened your parameters to date a woman that’s older than you, and indeed saw that your attraction could grow after getting to know someone better. 
 

These are all huge wins. You don’t see it as such, but it is. If you reframe to life being a learning experience, you’ve learned a lot in the last year. Well done. 

[NuevoYorko]

You are very stuck.  Your thought patterns are defeatist.  It is your defeatist thought patterns that have you stuck, NOT your "altruistic" place in the world of being a helper to everyone at the expense of yourself.  That is disingenuous.   In fact, you are very self absorbed and not altrusitic.  Sorry.  But I have been reading your threads for years, it seems, and my main takeaway is that you are not willing to take the risks or do the work that it would require for you to improve your lot, so you are using this as an excuse.

Do you believe you are on an autism spectrum?  I am not trying to diagnose you or say that you are.  I have no idea.  But I have some experience with a person close to me who is (they also have OCD) and you have things in common.   I know that for him, it takes more work and it's MUCH more uncomfortable to do social, romantic, and otherwise interpersonal things than it is for more "neuro-typical" people.  He has to really want to gain the results, and then he will do what is necessary and succeed.  

Whether you have the spectrum thing in common with my relative or not, you, so far, have not been willing to challenge yourself enough to change your social and romantic prospects in life.  You hate to come out of your comfort zone more than the average human, I'd say.  

Your defeatist mantras are helping you avoid doing so.

It "never" works, you so often say. SO often.  Yet, you have hardly begun trying.  At all.  

I just read about a triple amputee who finished the Ironman triathlon.  I can't even imagine.  I can't do a triathlon.  Not even one part of it.  I have all my limbs.  I can't do it because I don't care enough about that to struggle with trying.  This man must have REALLY wanted it to get there.

You don't seem to want things to be different  enough  to put in the work required.   Granted, it might be much more work for you than it is for some others.

That's OK.  But, it's not really cool for you to wallow in self pity like you do.  That would be like me making multiple threads over years complaining that I can't complete a triathlon. 

[Foxhall]

Always fascinating so they are your thoughts,

You remind me of myself in a lot of ways- I am such an oddball actually in real life,

Perhaps a lot of your troubles stem from not having that circle of male friends- you beat yourself up too much about difficulties with the ladies,

men are from mars and women from venus at the end of the day, your going to get things wrong in relationships all the time.

Personally there are a few women I get on good with and I dont hide that I am an oddball- they seem to appreciate that if anything,

Anyway Im not far enough advanced to offer you any meaningful advice, but wish you luck as always and hope you can turn your fortunes around in due course and come back and explain how you did it,

I also would echo the thoughts of once your healthy and well you are still pretty much ok.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This has been your default position pretty much since you’ve been posting. You circle around and your brain keeps coming back. You haven’t just “woken up” to this. It’s your default position and more importantly, right in the centre of your comfort zone. 
 

Also, can you please be a bit more specific. You speak in these broad generalities that don’t seem to pertain to anything. Are you talking about work / career? The recent end of your relationship? Hobbies? 
 

You bet everything on one particular outcome? What was that specifically? 
 

I know it’s hard to see - but your most recent relationship was actually a significant success. Hard to get that so soon after the break up. But you were convinced that it was impossible to date someone where there was mutual attraction. Then it happened. You didn’t believe successful, happy relationships existed. And then you met her friends and realized they do. You were fixated on younger women, and broadened your parameters to date a woman that’s older than you, and indeed saw that your attraction could grow after getting to know someone better. 
 

These are all huge wins. You don’t see it as such, but it is. If you reframe to life being a learning experience, you’ve learned a lot in the last year. Well done. 

Not sure how I actually won at anything, a year later I am exactly where I started. For me success is being a better position that I was and I am not in a better position at all, I simply back to where I have always been, in fact probably worse off because things that I long suspected would be deal breakers ultimately were deal breakers. This is however a good example of what I am going on about, I put the effort in and landed up in a situation exactly where I was.  Rinse and repeat for pretty much everything. 

The outcome I bet on was being materially successful enough to simply do the experiences I want to do to sort have at least that potential. Add in to some extent the trust fund kids I find myself around and honestly the idea that working hard and working smart as the keys to success is laughable, the key to success is actually luck. 

For want of a better way to put this, most of what I do leads to huge benefits for others but never actually any benefit for me, throughout life people have promised me things, these turned out to be empty promises which just loads on more sense of disappointment. I do not know about you but I think it would be nice sometimes to actually get some praise, all I get in life is "its  not good enough". As I kid I got teased for years and years because I was not like everyone else, my interests were not the same and that feeling of being an inferior outsider has never really gone away. This is why I hate bars and OLD in equal measure. Its also where my superficial outlook based attraction idea comes from, its easy to look around and rationalize why things are how they are, its a LOT harder to accept those things. 

Where it does mostly go away is when I am around people who are hugely successful in life, they have nothing to prove to anyone so its not Chad sitting in the bar with the blond telling everyone how great is life is and rubbing everyone else's nose in it.  The worth of me as a person is only determined to the degree I can benefit someone else, that much I have learnt.

Just about the only thing which keeps me going is that just sometimes for a fleeting moment I can sort of live the life I want to live.  Maybe a good example of this was a weekend away I did with her, for perhaps the first time in 20 years I could just be me, enjoy simple things, did not really mind if I looked silly, we cooked (I am terrible at it) and just did things which were different. But once again I managed to mess that up.

[Wiseman2]

Take some classes and courses to learn new things or master new things.

Join some groups and clubs to experience new friends and new adventures.

Take an interest in sports and fitness. Become good at one of them.

Get your CV tuned up. Get a good profile on LinkedIn. Connect to alumni, co-workers, former co-workers, etc. For fun, see what is out there these days.

Volunteer for an organization that you're interested in. Animals, the environment, etc.

The more vocational pursuits and advocations you are happy with and feel good about the more you're heading in the right direction.

Keep in mind that ruminating or overanalyzing is akin to being on a treadmill that wears you out all the same but without going anywhere.

 

Edited November 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not sure how I actually won at anything, a year later I am exactly where I started. For me success is being a better position that I was and I am not in a better position at all, I simply back to where I have always been, in fact probably worse off 

100% your choice to view your life experiences as "worthless" because you didn't get to a "better position" through them.  Defeatist.  Linear to a ridiculous degree, as life and humans don't work like that. 

Quote

For want of a better way to put this, most of what I do leads to huge benefits for others but never actually any benefit for me,

So STOP WHINING about it and change your life.  At least quit your job and get a different one.  That's how it's done when people are miserable with THEIR OWN LIFE CHOICES.  They change things up.  You are not unique in this.  

[ZA Dater]

41 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

100% your choice to view your life experiences as "worthless" because you didn't get to a "better position" through them.  Defeatist.  Linear to a ridiculous degree, as life and humans don't work like that. 

So STOP WHINING about it and change your life.  

Really easy to do in theory, much less practical in reality. For me success is being a better position, if I am in the same position there is no success.

As for the last part, boat sailed ages ago just need to try make the best of this disappointing life. My question really is how to make the best of it.

 

[glows]

If your work isn’t fulfilling or paying you well I’m puzzled why you’re still doing it? Is this a work in progress - I’m curious if you’re looking for solutions? 

Life is full of disappointments and challenging moments. Find a way through and do things better next time. It’s ok to feel down. Just don’t stay there. Ask for help. Speak with your doctor, other professionals, figure a way out. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 For me success is being a better position, if I am in the same position there is no success.

Oh dear, no wonder you're miserable.   I would argue that most happy people don't see life as a series of rungs on a ladder to be climbed.  Rather, they enjoy the good things they have and ride the waves of successes and challenges as part of the journey.   

Unfortunately, you seem determined to reject the notion of counting your blessings or making positive changes in your life.   Do you realise that you have a circular approach here where you bemoan your life, we offer support and suggestions, you reject it all and then continue the circle.   What does posting here give you when you refuse our suggestions?

At this point, I think you need to discuss your mental health with your doctor.  I think you've been suffering depression for so long that it's become your 'normal'

Edited November 3, 2022 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Really easy to do in theory, much less practical in reality. For me success is being a better position, if I am in the same position there is no success.

I did not suggest that you stay in the same position.  I suggest that you change your position.  You are 100% miserable.   Find a job where you will be only 96.8223% miserable.  That will be "better" and you can feel a sense of success rather than simply wallowing in self pity.  

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

As for the last part, boat sailed ages ago just need to try make the best of this disappointing life. My question really is how to make the best of it.

 

You're on the path you chose and you refuse to do "make the best of it."  So ... there you go.  

Have you ever considered what it might feel like to take responsibility for your own circumstances like the rest of us do?   You'd man up pretty fast if you did that.  Too bad you won't try.

[ZA Dater]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

Oh dear, no wonder you're miserable.   I would argue that most happy people don't see life as a series of rungs on a ladder to be climbed.  Rather, they enjoy the good things they have and ride the waves of successes and challenges as part of the journey.   

Unfortunately, you seem determined to reject the notion of counting your blessings or making positive changes in your life.   Do you realise that you have a circular approach here where you bemoan your life, we offer support and suggestions, you reject it all and then continue the circle.   What does posting here give you when you refuse our suggestions?

At this point, I think you need to discuss your mental health with your doctor.  I think you've been suffering depression for so long that it's become your 'normal'

For me life is about rungs up a ladder and success to be accomplished, mostly those are the only things which do make me feel good. I tried an alternative to that but I was even to stupid to make the best of that either so. I tried making positive changes and ultimately as with most other things it simply was not enough or I simply did not do it well enough. 

Implementable solutions are the real problem, I had an interesting conversation with someone the other day who has nothing and his comment to me was, "people tell me everyday to get a job but they do not actually tell me how", all this man wanted was someone to give him some money to get to an interview, I gave him that and a bit more. My point here is and its been much the same really and got hammered home to me with the recent debacle, if someone does not know HOW to do something, you cant bemoan the fact they do not know how or expect them to know how if they do not.

Every single day I juggle multiple things, work long hours and my brain never ever switches off from this cycle because when I am not at work my brain is at work. 

Maybe I should actually elaborate why I detest therapists, I have been to a few, the first being when I simply did not fit in at school, I had no friends, did not have the same outlook as any of the other kids and I sat in front of this therapist and within 10 minutes I knew this was nonsense, words out of a text book applied in some sort of blanket form and I did a few hours of this and never went back, I should say I felt much worse of this. Rinse and repeat the next time and the next because what was being offered had no value to me because practically speaking its irrelevant one solution fits all. Every single one of them took more confidence away from me.

Throughout my life, I am always looked as lesser, I have to some extent mitigated that by simply keeping a very small social circle of successful older people who I share interest with but when people here have told me to go out and do meetup and that, I have tried that but again I just get treated as lesser which is not a nice feeling. Take the dinner I had with the gf's friends, that was probably one of the worst "lesser" feelings I have had in many years, it was impossible to communicate, I was pretty much ignored for long periods of time and even when I tried to communicate it was not reciprocated. 

Do you blame me for looking at that and thinking I am better off just chasing the ladder  because while getting nowhere there is bad, its actually "better" than going out and feeling lesser. Its why I believe I will never ever find anyone else to date, I need to live with the mess I made and the fact it cannot be fixed. Its wonderful to go to some parties, I rarely go to more than one a year and see the glam, the pretty people but I know the best I can do is look because I am incompatible with that.

All I can really do is hope that someday I sort of achieve what I want to make the endless bad lonely day worth it.

 

[glows]

Lesser meaning ? Are you meaning financial wealth? Wealth in what way? Nevermind with the shallow or materialistic acquaintances. That’s why other members have asked you to try new things and find other ways to measure happiness. Hobbies, interests - not just romantic relationships and financial wealth. 

Yet you say you have no interest, don’t want to, defeat yourself or talk yourself down. Talk to a doctor (not a therapist) and be more open about finding solutions.

Edited November 4, 2022 by glows

[ZA Dater]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

Lesser meaning ? Are you meaning financial wealth? Wealth in what way? Nevermind with the shallow or materialistic acquaintances. That’s why other members have asked you to try new things and find other ways to measure happiness. Hobbies, interests - not just romantic relationships and financial wealth. 

Yet you say you have no interest, don’t want to, defeat yourself or talk yourself down. Talk to a doctor (not a therapist) and be more open about finding solutions.

The obvious solution is finding the success I am looking for to be honest to romantic relationships and financial wealth are to me foundations from which I can build.

Lesser meaning inferior.