How to feel better about myself

[Foxhall]

Its interesting too that contradiction that always comes up,

You are clearly not a party animal  you are whatever the opposite of that is, yet you crave to be the one enjoying yourself at the party with the beautiful girl beside you and all that,

Perhaps if you make peace with that in your own mind- you are shy, you are a loner, but as you point out your genuine and helpful- you have other positive qualities,

You have to forget about the parties- focus on finding yourself a nice quiet girl who is pretty looking (likes going for walks- no interest in parties)- it should not be that hard really.

its unusual that you have not met anyone like that online- funnily enough I found also online- that it tended to be a demographic of predominantly  outgoing women rather than more introverted reserved ones,

you have to spread your net wider at any rate- focus on the types you might find in a library or somewhere- sign up for a language class,

You dont have any baggage either-other than in your head- so your a decent enough prospect for someone

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 

Do you blame me for looking at that and thinking I am better off just chasing the ladder 

 

Blame?  No.  See you as 100% responsible for your lot in life right now?  Yes.   

Things happen to people that they have no control over. No doubt you have those in your life, including the "package" of characteristics you were born with, the family you were born into, etc.   All of your complaints here are about things which are under your control to change and improve.  You might try something halfway for  a few days or couple of weeks and then you just say "it doesn't work" and go back to full time self pity.  

You are no different from an out of shape person who lives in front of the television and complains constantly about their fitness - but absolutely refuses to change eating habits or do any type of exercise.  

 

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Its interesting too that contradiction that always comes up,

You are clearly not a party animal  you are whatever the opposite of that is, yet you crave to be the one enjoying yourself at the party with the beautiful girl beside you and all that,

Perhaps if you make peace with that in your own mind- you are shy, you are a loner, but as you point out your genuine and helpful- you have other positive qualities,

You have to forget about the parties- focus on finding yourself a nice quiet girl who is pretty looking (likes going for walks- no interest in parties)- it should not be that hard really.

its unusual that you have not met anyone like that online- funnily enough I found also online- that it tended to be a demographic of predominantly  outgoing women rather than more introverted reserved ones,

you have to spread your net wider at any rate- focus on the types you might find in a library or somewhere- sign up for a language class,

You dont have any baggage either-other than in your head- so your a decent enough prospect for someone

I had someone who was pretty much perfect but I could not make that work. I will not find that again and worse than that I cant fix what I did wrong either.  There was almost perfect compatibility but again as in many instances in other life areas, I had exactly what I really liked but fleetingly. That for me is where it all starts. 

Again today it was a case of having my face rubbed in it, so and so married, kids, house in the suburbs and all a for for awesome. 

In part you are right, let it all go but when I do that nothing has any particular purpose to it.  For years I did life on the idea that if I kept trying I would eventually actually sort of maybe accomplish some of the things I want to, in truth I have accomplished nothing I set out to accomplish. Dunno why it bothers me so much but go out and have dinner on your own, all around are couples and families, this hurts but if I want actually eat out I have to do it. Join a restaurant club someone once said, once again I go along and its near impossible to converse because well once again I am the outsider.

Of all the feelings in life, that feeling is one of the worst for me, the other is never being good enough. 

In a lot of ways a lot of this is cured by simply living vicariously.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I had someone who was pretty much perfect but I could not make that work.

Go back and read your posts again while you were dating her. You certainly didn’t consider her perfect at the time. And of course she wasn’t because perfect doesn’t exist. 

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I will not find that again and worse than that I cant fix what I did wrong either. 

You of course can find it again. Remember you used to consider it impossible to date someone with mutual attraction. You were wrong. You were convinced you would never get a second date with someone you were attracted to. You were wrong. And you’re wrong about this too. Pretty much everybody here has been through a breakup or five. And then they find someone they want to date again. The only thing limiting you in this regard is your own mind. 

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Of all the feelings in life, that feeling is one of the worst for me, the other is never being good enough. 

In a lot of ways a lot of this is cured by simply living vicariously.

Yes interesting the human mindset,

I used to have a fascination with characters from soap operas and for a while live my life through them 

Its empowering however when you can leave all that behind and start living your own life,

Ive come across a few women who also have the doubts about not being good enough- despite on the surface having their beauty and brains or whatever-but still those doubts linger 

so your not alone at least in having doubts,

meeting a soulmate or a girl that understands you is the challenge I guess, but as others are saying there, you have at least taken the first few steps (recent relationship) towards that,

You have been meeting the wrong type of women for you over the years probably,  the ones that are more suitable are sitting at home and your paths are not crossing,

Anyways plenty of time.

 

[basil67]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

For me life is about rungs up a ladder and success to be accomplished, mostly those are the only things which do make me feel good. I tried an alternative to that but I was even to stupid to make the best of that either so. I tried making positive changes and ultimately as with most other things it simply was not enough or I simply did not do it well enough. 

Yes, we know that rungs of a ladder is how you do things.  But it's clearly not working for you because you're still depressed about life.  What was the alternative you tried?  

 

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 My point here is and its been much the same really and got hammered home to me with the recent debacle, if someone does not know HOW to do something, you cant bemoan the fact they do not know how or expect them to know how if they do not.

Humans aren't born with innate knowledge of how to do something.  When it comes to interpersonal relationships, we learn by making mistakes.  The fact that you made mistakes and (hopefully learned something) makes you no different to anyone else.   Mind you, you still haven't taken on board that she made mistakes too.  Putting 100% blame on yourself is a huge error on your part, one which you seem determined to double down on.   

 

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Every single day I juggle multiple things, work long hours and my brain never ever switches off from this cycle because when I am not at work my brain is at work. 

I can't help you switch off your brain, but why are you working such long hours?   Why not delegate?   And from a practical standpoint, what happens to your job if you get hit by a bus tomorrow? 

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Maybe I should actually elaborate why I detest therapists, I have been to a few, the first being when I simply did not fit in at school, I had no friends, did not have the same outlook as any of the other kids and I sat in front of this therapist and within 10 minutes I knew this was nonsense, words out of a text book applied in some sort of blanket form and I did a few hours of this and never went back, I should say I felt much worse of this. Rinse and repeat the next time and the next because what was being offered had no value to me because practically speaking its irrelevant one solution fits all. Every single one of them took more confidence away from me.

Yeah, you've pretty much told us that our advice is nonsense and cookie cutter too.  

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Take the dinner I had with the gf's friends, that was probably one of the worst "lesser" feelings I have had in many years, it was impossible to communicate, I was pretty much ignored for long periods of time and even when I tried to communicate it was not reciprocated. 

This isn't about you. Rather, it's about the poor social skills of the people you were with.  Most of us have been in groups where we are ignored or the others show no interest in us.  I have only a small number of friends who make a point to talk with others and ask about their interests and life.   Yes, I understand that their rudeness makes you feel sad and left out, but you need to get real about them being the problem in this case.

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Do you blame me for looking at that and thinking I am better off just chasing the ladder  because while getting nowhere there is bad, its actually "better" than going out and feeling lesser. Its why I believe I will never ever find anyone else to date, I need to live with the mess I made and the fact it cannot be fixed. Its wonderful to go to some parties, I rarely go to more than one a year and see the glam, the pretty people but I know the best I can do is look because I am incompatible with that.

I think the highest amount of blame is with you not going to the doctor to get medication for what is very likely chronic depression.  Or if you have done that and it didn't work, go back or get a psychiatrist to help you.  Your depression which has probably been with you since you were at school, and stayed with you for so long that this has become your 'normal'.   

[ZA Dater]

On 11/4/2022 at 10:13 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Go back and read your posts again while you were dating her. You certainly didn’t consider her perfect at the time. And of course she wasn’t because perfect doesn’t exist. 

 

You of course can find it again. Remember you used to consider it impossible to date someone with mutual attraction. You were wrong. You were convinced you would never get a second date with someone you were attracted to. You were wrong. And you’re wrong about this too. Pretty much everybody here has been through a breakup or five. And then they find someone they want to date again. The only thing limiting you in this regard is your own mind. 

Sure but most had actually had a relationship before the age of 38! 

I cant be bothered really, sitting with numbers which benefit others gives me some degree of solace, for the rest, well hopefully one does get some sort of second life.

[Weezy1973]

On 11/9/2022 at 5:34 AM, ZA Dater said:

Sure but most had actually had a relationship before the age of 38! 

 

Nobody cares about this, except you. The amount of experience you have is a complete non factor. 

[basil67]

On 11/10/2022 at 12:34 AM, ZA Dater said:

Sure but most had actually had a relationship before the age of 38! 

The fact that you're 38 doesn't mean you get a free pass to have your first relationship be successful.  

[glows]

On 11/9/2022 at 5:34 AM, ZA Dater said:

hopefully one does get some sort of second life.

Yes. I say this with kindness - your thoughts are unusual and distorted. It’s a good idea talking with someone. Start with your doctor. 

It’s very hard to make it in this life without friends and family. I know you mentioned your parents are ill but you didn’t mention any other family members like siblings. You seem very isolated and depressed. You probably won’t like this and will refuse help but I hope you reconsider it. There’s no shame in asking for help or talking about what you’re going through.

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/2/2022 at 12:25 PM, ZA Dater said:

 

Maybe I have just woken up the fact we do not all get to live the life we actually want but have to try and content ourselves with something lesser.

That's  BS. 

 It seems like you formed an image of "the life you want" at some point in your childhood and you are just clinging onto that.  It's your excuse for everything.

"WE" learn that some of the most rewarding things and parts of our lives are not what we envisioned when we were 12 years old.   "WE" are learning as we go through life and I will venture to say that some of the most important lessons involve a paradigm shift where we really see the value in things that we may have dismissed in our pasts, and the hollowness of some of the things that we'd elevated.'

You seem to be committed to NOT learning, and to just looking at and clinging your black and white, one dimensional  diagram as the only acceptable template for a "good" life.

FYI, our relationships with other people are all part of this learning path (which, in fact, is the entire point of human life - to learn).   If we have a very long lived relationship, it's about learning the whole time - not like we GOT what we WANT and now can be satisfied with our our "acquisition."   The person we find ourselves married to 15 years in is often extremely different than who they were, and / or who we thought they were, when we got started.  So are we.  

Your recent relationship was obviously an opportunity to learn.   When you were first getting to know her, you were writing on a giant thread.  Look it over.  I had to stop reading it.  It was very painful to read your negative judgements of this woman.  The main gist was that being with her would be a tremendous disappointment because she was at such a substantially "lower" level than "what" you would "want."  That went on and on.

Evidently your experience with her caused a shift in your perception.  Recently you have described her as "almost perfect" for you.  Or similarly.  So you learned to value greatly  a person who you initially saw as an object inferior to the "better" objects around them. 

If you could carry this forward with you in your life, not just in "romantic" situations , it  would serve you well.  That is up to you.

Edited November 12, 2022 by NuevoYorko