What should I tell my nieces when they keep asking about my age gap relationship?

[ironpony]

My nieces keep constantly asking why me and my gf have a significant age gap.  They are only 7 and 8, and I don't know what to tell them so I just say maybe it's better to talk to your mom about that.

But they still ask me and it's been three times that they really want me to talk about it though.  I don't think my sister approves of the gag gap in my relationship so I wasn't sure how to respond to the nieces.

But when they ask again, I could tell them that well, when some people fall in love not everything about them both is the same, and there are going to be differences between you and the person who you are in love with, but that is natural and happens.

Should I say that perhaps if that's good?  Thank you for any opinions on this.  I really appreciate it.

[basil67]

Kids that age are unlikely to notice an age difference, so I bet your sister has been discussing this in front of them and creating trouble. 

Anyway, it's not a good choice to teach other people's children something which is the opposite of what their parents believe.   Frankly, I find their questioning of an adult about their relationship to be inappropriate and I wouldn't give them an answer.   Frankly, I'd simply tell them that this is your own personal business. 

[ironpony]

Oh it's just I felt that if I were to tell them it's not their business that that might come off as a little abrasive to them at their age and I don't want to give them that impression if that makes sense?

[basil67]

To be clear, I didn't recommend saying "it's not your business".  I said to tell them "this is my own personal business".   There is a difference.

Either way though, their behaviour is inappropriate and it's OK for you to set boundaries

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 2, 2022 by basil67

[ironpony]

Oh yes I see.  That makes sense.  Thanks, I can do that!  Thanks.

[ShyViolet]

I'm an early childhood teacher.  I've been working with kids for about 20 years.  As a general rule, and of course there might be exceptions to this, we should always answer children's questions honestly.  There is no need to shield children from reality.  We can be honest and sincere with children, but of course leave out the gory details and phrase things very simply and in age-appropriate language.  I see no reason to be "secretive" about this or avoid the question.

You can have honest, sincere conversations with children about just about anything... about death, about parents getting divorced, about bad things happening in the news.  It's all about phrasing it in simple, age-appropriate language.

On 11/1/2022 at 9:05 PM, ironpony said:

But when they ask again, I could tell them that well, when some people fall in love not everything about them both is the same, and there are going to be differences between you and the person who you are in love with, but that is natural and happens.

Yes, this.  I think this is totally fine.  

[S2B]

You really don’t need to answer their question.

how old someone you date is NONE of their business! Not as young children and not as adults.

seriously, this is private info and they should get a blank stare from you when they are asking - it’s inappropriate of them!

[Alpacalia]

They are 7 and 8 years old. Inquisitiveness is a natural characteristic of children.

Little kids are like sponges, they just want to absorb.

Kids should feel safe asking questions. But I feel they also need to be empowered to find their own answers. Next time they ask you a personal question, you might gently ask what they think the answer might be.

I kind of look at it similar to the way children absorb information when they eat an apple. Rather than eating the whole fruit in one sitting, they nibble at it, take breaks, then circle back around to it again after they have taken a break.

A future response of "we like each other, that's why" should suffice.

[Weezy1973]

On 11/1/2022 at 6:05 PM, ironpony said:

My nieces keep constantly asking why me and my gf have a significant age gap.  They are only 7 and 8,

I’m surprised they would even care to tell you the truth. My guess is their parents have made some comments about it and that filtered to the kids. In my experience with kids, they kind of see one big blob of adults and don’t really have a concept of different ages. It would have to have been pointed out that it was somehow “different” than the norm, likely by their parents. 
 

And that being said, the answer you’ve come up with is good. 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/1/2022 at 10:57 PM, ironpony said:

 I don't want to give them that impression if that makes sense?

That's an odd observation for children that age. Defer any type birds and bees type of questions for their parents. 

[ironpony]

Well I did try to defer it to the parents but they asked me again after that, and feel they will do it again.  But if my sister is being judgmental of the relationship as pointed out, it has made me more bitter about this.  I feel like next time they ask, I might just tell them that their Mom has always been able to have a large selection of guys, so it's easier for her to pick who she wants and can afford a very "normal" relationship, where as some of us do not have a large number of people to choose from and end up falling in love with someone that would be  a more controversial relationship.  But maybe I shouldn't say this, even if I am bitter if my sister thinks bad of me?

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, ironpony said:

But maybe I shouldn't say this, even if I am bitter if my sister thinks bad of me?

Don’t say that. For one, your nieces won’t really get it, or they’ll misunderstand. Secondly, they’re not the ones to talk to about this if you’re bitter - it’s your sister. Talk to her. 

[NuevoYorko]

Just tell them "Once people are adults, age is just a number.  It doesn't matter."

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, ironpony said:

Well I did try to defer it to the parents but they asked me again after that, and feel they will do it again.  

Have you ever bluntly, directly answered their question with a simple answer like "because we like each other and the age difference doesn't bother us"

If not, then next time they ask, do that.  They might keep asking because you haven't given them a simple answer.

And if they ask again after that, you reply, "You have already asked me this multiple times and I already answered you.  You don't need to keep asking me the same question over and over. I already answered it.  I don't want to keep talking about this."  And then you stick to that boundary and you say that if they ask again.

[stillafool]

Have you told your sister that they keep asking you that question and you find it inappropriate and that it's making you uncomfortable?

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

And if they ask again after that, you reply, "You have already asked me this multiple times and I already answered you.  You don't need to keep asking me the same question over and over. I already answered it.  I don't want to keep talking about this."  And then you stick to that boundary and you say that if they ask again.

This ^  .  Or as I say to my son "what did I say the last time you asked me that?"

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, I can do it this way.  Thank you.

[S2B]

I don’t know why it isn’t obvious to point out to them that their question is rude.

pointing out age in relationships is rude.

i would simply answer in a kind voice “be polite - asking about age isn’t polite”.

They need to know what they are asking is inappropriate. 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

They need to know what they are asking is inappropriate. 

I completely agree.  Me as an adult would never ask a question like that of anyone so it's definitely inappropriate for a child to ask.  That is why I said tell their mom so perhaps she can correct them.   It's rude.

Edited November 12, 2022 by stillafool

[basil67]

Agree with the above.  I certainly answered loads of questions from my kids....but that doesn't mean you have to answer all questions.  It's perfectly acceptable to teach them that certain questions are inappropriate.  

[glows]

On 11/10/2022 at 9:45 PM, ironpony said:

Well I did try to defer it to the parents but they asked me again after that, and feel they will do it again.  But if my sister is being judgmental of the relationship as pointed out, it has made me more bitter about this.  I feel like next time they ask, I might just tell them that their Mom has always been able to have a large selection of guys, so it's easier for her to pick who she wants and can afford a very "normal" relationship, where as some of us do not have a large number of people to choose from and end up falling in love with someone that would be  a more controversial relationship.  But maybe I shouldn't say this, even if I am bitter if my sister thinks bad of me?

There’s no need for the long explanation. Just tell them your gf and you love each other and that’s why you’ve decided to be together. It has nothing to do with your ages. It’s what you feel for each other so end it there, full stop. 

Leave the bitterness you feel about your sister’s opinions out of any interaction with the kids.

If you want to discuss about the comments from her children then do it privately with your sister. 

Edited November 13, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/11/2022 at 6:45 AM, ironpony said:

  I feel like next time they ask, I might just tell them that their Mom has always been able to have a large selection of guys, so it's easier for her to pick who she wants and can afford a very "normal" relationship, where as some of us do not have a large number of people to choose from and end up falling in love with someone that would be  a more controversial relationship.  

They are way too young to get any of that, OP. That's the sort of answer you might give an adult. 

Just tell them you love each other so it's okay. Full stop. I have a feeling mom is putting the bug in their ear and that's the real reason they keep asking. I don't think it's likely they would otherwise be that interested.