Hes Scared

[GiveMeAClue]

Met a guy late 30's. (I'm same age). He said from the start he'd been badly hurt in the last 2 relationships he'd been in. Wanted to have a relationship but slowly as he's previously jumped in head first. We were exclusive for 9 months. Things going well. Speaking everyday and texting all day. Couple of weekends away. Meeting up approx once a week or every other weekend due to us both having kids from previous. Met each others kids and friends. Things were going steadily in the right direction.

 

We had a little falling out. Something he did upset me and i basically went in a mood for the rest of the night and didnt talk to him.

Once i'd cooled off the next day i called him but he didnt answer. Sent a text asking can we talk. He replied straight away not tonight hes tired after work and we'll talk tomorrow.

Next day tried again, he was reponsive to texts but could tell he'd thrown a wall up. 

This went on a few days before i said.... are you done with me? He said he was overwhelmed so i gave some space. I feel ive triggered something in him to protect himself.

Maybe a week later he text saying he was sorry, you are amazing, im so scared of being in a relationship and you know why (which i do) and that he hoped he hadnt ruined things and he missed me, that he'd just been blocking everything out and wasnt in a good place. I replied that i missed him too and we'd talk about this more as it was quite late at night. (A work night so not like a drunken saturday night text).

 

By the next day the wall was back up. No texts again and when i asked how he was feeling he said that he hadnt really been thinking just concentrating on work.  I tried to get him talking again but he'd shut down.

 

Basically finished with me saying i'm always here if you need to talk. He thanked me and that was 2 weeks ago. Felt the need to give him space. Nothing since. No idea if were still together or not. 

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, GiveMeAClue said:

Basically finished with me saying i'm always here if you need to talk. He thanked me and that was 2 weeks ago. Felt the need to give him space. Nothing since. No idea if were still together or not. 

What does this mean?  Did he break it off with you and tell you he's there if you need to talk or the other way around?  If he broke up with you you are no longer together.  Don't beg him just let him go.

Edited November 2, 2022 by stillafool

[GiveMeAClue]

My apologies, the text exchanged ended with me saying im here if you need to talk.

 

To clarify, he text late one night saying he was so sorry, missed me, doesn't know what's wrong with him, blocked everything out, wasn't in a good place. That i'm amazing, he's sorry again and hope he hasn't ruined things between us.

The next day when i tried to follow up  he'd closed down again. I asked how he felt about things and can we talk. He said he hasn't been thinking abiut things just concentrating on work, didn't feel like himself right now. This convo finished with me saying im always here to talk. I couldnt get anything out of him, i tried. No "official break up" or anything like that. Just no communication for 2 weeks neither. I did not want to overwhelm him more so thouggt best to give him some space.

Edited November 2, 2022 by GiveMeAClue
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[flitzanu]

well if he hasn't reached out or talked to you in 2 weeks, i'd say it is safe to assume the relationship is over

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, GiveMeAClue said:

I did not want to overwhelm him more so thouggt best to give him some space.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.  Do not contact him again unless he reaches out to you.  I agree if he hasn't gotten back to you in 2 weeks it's pretty much over.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, GiveMeAClue said:

 He said from the start he'd been badly hurt in the last 2 relationships he'd been in.

Sorry this happened. He seems to live in his own head too much. It's interesting he comes with this disclaimer about poor previous relationships. See that as a red flag for what he is doing to you now.

[GiveMeAClue]

Yeah i think it is over sadly. We've never not spoken for even a day before this.

Maybe that night he text me he was just feeling nostalgic, a bit down or felt guilty who knows.

Just the limbo of not knowing, and i asked him it he was done with me, but he never said he was or that it was over.

 

2 weeks though.... it's over im sure.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, GiveMeAClue said:

i asked him it he was done with me, but he never said he was or that it was over.

Guys rarely come out and hurt a woman's feelings saying "I'm done with you" they fade off, no longer return calls or texts in hopes she gets the message. 

[NuevoYorko]

It seems like he has no ability to resolve conflicts.  In any case, he's not motivated to do so now.  I'm sorry.  It's a sad ending.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is his cowardly way of breaking up with you. 

He is showing you very clearly he is absolutely incapable of being in a relationship at this time. He led with fear from the beginning, which is never a good sign. It indicates he still has too much emotional baggage to work through, and it was bound to show up sooner or later. And now here you are. 

I am sorry you're going through this. For my own peace of mind, I would consider myself done with him because this behaviour is a dealbreaker. 

But out of curiosity and perhaps for more context, what did he do here? 

15 hours ago, GiveMeAClue said:

Something he did upset me

 

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, GiveMeAClue said:

Yeah i think it is over sadly. We've never not spoken for even a day before this.

Maybe that night he text me he was just feeling nostalgic, a bit down or felt guilty who knows.

Just the limbo of not knowing, and i asked him it he was done with me, but he never said he was or that it was over.

 

2 weeks though.... it's over im sure.

You at least deserve some closure though. 

Text him and ask him to clarify that things are over between you, and if he doesn't want it to be over then you both need to talk.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, GiveMeAClue said:

2 weeks though.... it's over im sure.

Sadly I think you're right.  Walk away with dignity. Just block and delete him. Even if he were to contact you, the same nonsense would just recur.

[GiveMeAClue]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

But out of curiosity and perhaps for more context, what did he do here? 

 

Of course, his job someyimes requires him to work away. He got notice that he'd be away for 3 months. He had the weekend to pack and spend time with the kids. He said he was taking the kids out for tea and did i want to come. I politely declined as it was time/meal with his kids before going. I genuinely thought he'd of made time elsewhere but he didnt and we never saw eachother and off he went for 3 months. I was hurt and didnt speak to him the rest of the day he left. (Not my greatest hour). I reached out the next day but this is where the problem stemmed from. It must of triggered something or a need to protect himself.

[GiveMeAClue]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

You at least deserve some closure though. 

Text him and ask him to clarify that things are over between you, and if he doesn't want it to be over then you both need to talk.

 

I'm hesitant to do this if im honest. Right now im treating it as hes decided its over. I feel if i open that convo it may put me back in limbo land. My last message to him was that im here if he ever wants to talk and he thanked me. 

Im treating it in my head as a breakup, processing and healing, i cant deal with limbo land it eats away at me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't call or message him again either, OP. 

He knows exactly where you are, and he's chosen not to get in touch. That says it all, sadly. I think you are wise to treat this as a break-up, as I would personally be done with this man even if he came back around. His behaviour here is unacceptable. 

[GiveMeAClue]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't call or message him again either, OP. 

He knows exactly where you are, and he's chosen not to get in touch. That says it all, sadly. I think you are wise to treat this as a break-up, as I would personally be done with this man even if he came back around. His behaviour here is unacceptable. 

I don't plan to reach out no.

I understand he's been hurt before, scared of being hurt again. (Everyone has a sore relationship history in some way or other). But for me, id always be worried going forward if he did it again or always had one foot out the door. So i can't see a future even if he did pop back out of his bubble.

Thank you for the feedback btw, its always good to hear other non biased opinions.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, GiveMeAClue said:

I understand he's been hurt before, scared of being hurt again. (Everyone has a sore relationship history in some way or other). But for me, id always be worried going forward if he did it again or always had one foot out the door. So i can't see a future even if he did pop back out of his bubble.

I'm not understanding why you are saying he's scared of being hurt from what you've written.  Where does he indicate that?  

[GiveMeAClue]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm not understanding why you are saying he's scared of being hurt from what you've written.  Where does he indicate that?  

I know this from previous converstions. We'd talked about previous relationships and what happened and he was hurt badly.

 

Also when he reached out that night by text saying he was sorry, he missed me, im amazing, hope he hadnt ruined everything. He again said im scared of being in a relationship.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, GiveMeAClue said:

. He again said im scared of being in a relationship.

Try not to let this combination of "so wounded and damaged" along with "you're amazing", trick you into his attempt to reduce you to FWB.

In the future, part ways with anyone who doesn't want what you want. It's not worth the headaches and heartaches.

[glows]

You can end it yourself because it’s not working for you and bring yourself closure. His actions have already told you he’s not able to be in a communicative or functioning relationship. You don’t actually need to hear him say another word.

What was his coparenting situation like with his ex? 

[GiveMeAClue]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You can end it yourself because it’s not working for you and bring yourself closure. His actions have already told you he’s not able to be in a communicative or functioning relationship. You don’t actually need to hear him say another word.

What was his coparenting situation like with his ex? 

In all fairness to him, he's very good with her. They'll never be best friends or anything but considering the hurt she caused him i can't fault the guy here. He's a good dad too.

 

You're absolutely right, i can call it a day. I pretty much have been treating as so too.

 

Did have a bit of a panic today (omg he's gone, that's it, we'll never speak again) felt rough but just the process of a break up i guess.

 

2 weeks and 2 days no word, no coming back from that!!

[poppyfields]

OP, I never bought this theory that a man is so scared of getting hurt that he dumps his girlfriend.  It makes no sense and goes against human nature and common sense.

Yes fears are real but people do not fade, ghost or dump people they are attracted to and care about. 

What fears can sometimes do is trick the brain into finding flaws and faults in their gf/bf and becoming turned off.

That's why they dump.  They are turned off. At that moment. 

It's the opposite of what you're thinking - that he cares so much, he's afraid to get hurt. 

I understand it's more comforting to think that, it lessens the pain of rejection.

But thinking this way will keep you stuck and prevent you from moving on. 

The guy is a coward.  He doesn't care and may have even found another woman.  In fact, could almost guarantee it. 

I'm so sorry, it hurts, it sucks.

But it's the reality, sadly 

 

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

5 minutes ago, GiveMeAClue said:

In all fairness to him, he's very good with her. They'll never be best friends or anything but considering the hurt she caused him i can't fault the guy here. He's a good dad too.

 

You're absolutely right, i can call it a day. I pretty much have been treating as so too.

 

Did have a bit of a panic today (omg he's gone, that's it, we'll never speak again) felt rough but just the process of a break up i guess.

 

2 weeks and 2 days no word, no coming back from that!!

He doesn’t need to be best friends with his ex. Clear boundaries are a good indicator they are managing their coparenting. 

The issue is not seeing the red flags early on in regards to his fearfulness and referencing his exes or past. That might have put the brakes on. Why date people who take so much work like this? It’s not your problem that he has trust issues or can’t communicate. Be more focused on you and changing how you approach dating. He’s in the past now and I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave that door open. Block and delete the contact. It’s time to move on.

[Acacia98]

On 11/3/2022 at 12:55 AM, stillafool said:

Guys rarely come out and hurt a woman's feelings saying "I'm done with you" they fade off, no longer return calls or texts in hopes she gets the message. 

This is true. But it's often more hurtful than just coming out and saying it.

 

4 hours ago, glows said:

Block and delete the contact. 

I totally agree with this.

OP, leaving you in limbo is a pretty cruel and effed up thing for him to do. I hope you soon find the resolve to shut the door once and for all. Blocking and deleting is one of the most empowering things you can do in such a situation.