My boyfriend went to dinner with another woman and pecked her on the cheek. Should I be upset?

[Mike B.]

51 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

He messaged her asking her if she was a freak....

This is my point. Why would he voluntarily tell you something such as this?

 Something is missing in the scenario. I think it is the baseline functioning of your relationship with your boyfriend. This unfolded in this manner for reasons that probably haven't been divulged here yet. However, if he was really after her or could have her, he would not have volunteered all of this information. You would have to discover it yourself.

[Imaginary excuse]

13 minutes ago, Mike B. said:

This is my point. Why would he voluntarily tell you something such as this?

 Something is missing in the scenario. I think it is the baseline functioning of your relationship with your boyfriend. This unfolded in this manner for reasons that probably haven't been divulged here yet. However, if he was really after her or could have her, he would not have volunteered all of this information. You would have to discover it yourself.

He didn’t volunteer the message part. I saw their messages.

[Beachead]

If the person I was with, was going out for dinner with another man, it would bother me as well.  I think a lot of people would feel that way including him and the woman he went out with, if it were to be done to them.  Certain acts can put a lot risk and unnecessary stress on the security of a relationship.   Taking the opposite sex out to dinner is one of those things.  It's something you do if you intend to show the other person you're interested so this to me is screwing with boundaries, which is likely why you're upset.

If I wanted to catch up with the opposite sex and I was in a relationship, I'd have done it over a phone call; maybe lunch or coffee at most, but that's after mentioning it to my partner and seeing how she feels about it.  If my partner isn't cool with it, which she is completely allowed to say to me, I wouldn't do it.   

Bottom line, it's upset you and that's what matters here.  You should talk to him about how you feel.  Based on his responses or what he decides to do afterwards, you can then decide if this is working for you or not.

Hope that helps.

Edited November 4, 2022 by Beachead

[Imaginary excuse]

4 minutes ago, Beachead said:

If the person I was with, was going out for dinner with another man, it would bother me as well.  I think a lot of people would feel that way including him and the woman he went out with, if it were to be done to them.  Certain acts can put a lot risk and unnecessary stress on the security of a relationship.   Taking the opposite sex out to dinner is one of those things.  It's something you do if you intend to show the other person you're interested so this to me is screwing with boundaries, which is likely why you're upset.

If I wanted to catch up with the opposite sex and I was in a relationship, I'd have done it over a phone call; maybe lunch or coffee at most, but that's after mentioning it to my partner and seeing how she feels about it.  If my partner isn't cool with it, which she is completely allowed to say to me, I wouldn't do it.   

Hope that helps.

Thanks. I checked his phone and saw that he sent her a message asking her if she’s a freak...

[Alpacalia]

Who paid for dinner? Clearly he paid for the Uber.

[Imaginary excuse]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Who paid for dinner? Clearly he paid for the Uber.

He paid for the dinner as well 

[Beachead]

4 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

Thanks. I checked his phone and saw that he sent her a message asking her if she’s a freak...

He crossed the line there and kept it from you. 

Also paying for her Dinner and Uber is not good.   How is this any different from a date?

More importantly, seems his actions are leading you to snoop meaning you don't trust him.  Without trust, there is no relationship.  

Edited November 4, 2022 by Beachead

[S2B]

I think he’s been inappropriate and is completely willing to disrespect you to have a date with her.

he also didn’t OFFER the real details until AFTER their date!

he’s not being trustworthy! I’d proceed with caution - he’s about to start dating her.

he’s really not treating you right if you are supposed to be his girlfriend. 

he’s also pretty ballsy throwing it right in your face and expecting you to act like this is a normal business type of dinner meeting. It’s not!

[princessaurora]

If this woman was an old school friend or coworker it might make sense he's  meeting up with her to " catch up." . But there is no reason a committed man should be meeting a woman for dinner and paying for it as well as her ride home when the only history they have is 1 date three years  ago. Then he asks her if she's a freak? I'm pretty sure you know what the intent was with that comment. This situation will not bode well for you if you stay in it. 

[S2B]

25 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

Thanks. I checked his phone and saw that he sent her a message asking her if she’s a freak...

What are YOU planning to do about this now?

[Alpacalia]

37 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

He paid for the dinner as well 

Even though he's kept in touch with her for all these years, he's only been out with her once? Neither of them have a prior relationship, children, or anything else that ties them together before they got together. Their exchange is clearly flirtatious. It was he who wanted to invite this lady to dinner since he first met her all these years ago.

Are you two getting closer to marriage?

Catching him sending those messages to this woman and the exchanges between them and dinner get together may be a troubling standout event in your relationship, but ultimately, you’re better off looking at his character and whole persona than you are if you instead isolate this event too much.

How do you feel about this guy? Would you consider him to be really special or would you consider him one which is involved in things he shouldn't be involved in and behind people's backs...

Edited November 4, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

This is looking worse. Unless he is rich and routinely pays for dinner for people who are not as rich as he is (I have a few friends who are rich and always treat), he should not have paid for her dinner or her uber.

Red flag. Major red flag. Major. 

That you had never heard of this woman--red flag. Anytime I'd go out with a friend, I want to make sure my partner knows about the friend and the friend's role in my life--no weirdness or surprises. He did not share about her ahead of time appropriately. And I would never tell any of my women friends that they are "gorgeous." Just would not do it--I'm not in friend land. Instead, I might say, "you look nice." Mostly I say something like, "You seem good" as in their mood. And they the same. Some of my friends might say "I like your hair this way." But gorgeous? Oh no! You're not in friendzone calling someone "gorgeous."

So I'm taking a harder line than I did initially. Time to really move towards dumping this guy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope, this is sketchy. 

He took another woman on a date, followed by asking her if she's a freak. This is not a man having an innocent, friendly catch-up with an old friend. It's your boyfriend testing the waters with a woman he apparently isn't exactly friends with, to see if she might be up for some fun. 

I'm sorry, OP. Your instinct about this appears to be spot-on. 

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, princessaurora said:

If this woman was an old school friend or coworker it might make sense he's  meeting up with her to " catch up."

This, 100% spot on.

There isn’t any shared past between them, so the only thing they have to explore in their dinner conversation is the possibility of a shared future.

I don’t think anything inappropriate happened necessarily, but the whole dinner date is so fishy it should have been at a lobster bar.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

 I had no problem with. He owns a fairly large company so he is always meeting people, having dinners, and networking.

How long have you been dating? How old is he? 

If they met on a dating app, this was a date, not business networking. He also did not mention that he met her on dating apps.

Are you in an open relationship? Why are you attempting to be ok with him dating other women and old flames?

[Imaginary excuse]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? 

If they met on a dating app, this was a date, not business networking. He also did not mention that he met her on dating apps.

Are you in an open relationship? Why are you attempting to be ok with him dating other women and old flames?

Hes 34 and we’ve been together 2 years and no, we don’t have an open relationship. She’s 32. They met on a dating app years ago and that’s why they had the first date.

Edited November 4, 2022 by Imaginary excuse

[Will am I]

Two years, that's not really just "dating" anymore right? Most relationships are in a committed state after that time.

And really... he's reaching out to a girl he dated one time, 3 years back (and they didn't have that spark back then)? What was in his head?

 Or did she reach out?

[Imaginary excuse]

14 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Two years, that's not really just "dating" anymore right? Most relationships are in a committed state after that time.

And really... he's reaching out to a girl he dated one time, 3 years back (and they didn't have that spark back then)? What was in his head?

 Or did she reach out?

He reached out to her. This is what I saw in their messages:

 

Before the dinner he laughed at one of her posts and said he couldn’t wait to see her. The freak question she responded with “yea I am lol” but then followed up “you shouldn’t be texting and driving”. Then he brought up something about him laughing at him spilling his drink. Then asked if she made it home safely. They exchange a few more messages - nothing crazy. She asked why he was still up he responded the next morning saying he ended up falling asleep. She liked the message and that was it. This morning he laughed at one of her stories. She hasn’t said anything to him and neither has he.

[Classicfiction]

He's either trying to end the relationship or establish with you that this is the kind of thing you will have to accept if you stay with him long term.

He most certainly will not do this one time and that be it.  He enjoyed being able to go on a date with an attractive woman while in a relationship.  He enjoyed telling his significant other about his date.

I really don't get it when people respond to these type of posts saying the poor man is oblivious to how his going on a date might affect his significant other.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m sorry OP, but I think you’ve just discovered that your boyfriend is checking out of your relationship. 
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Imaginary excuse said:

He reached out to her. Before the dinner he laughed at one of her posts and said he couldn’t wait to see her. The freak question she responded with “yea I am lol” but then followed up “you shouldn’t be texting and driving”. Then he brought up something about him laughing at him spilling his drink. Then asked if she made it home safely. They exchange a few more messages - nothing crazy. 

Of course you hope it's just "dinner with a friend", but he hid the fact that this is a former flame and this was certainly not a 'business and networking' dinner. They are sending flirty texts and this was a date. "Just a friend" is a red flag.

[BaileyB]

Men in relationships typically don’t date other women because their girlfriend would typically have a problem with it. But, that sounds like that’s what has happened here - he was more than likely testing the waters to see what it would be like and whether she is interested. I’m sorry. 

In my relationship, I don’t flirt and secretly meet long term social media friends out of respect to my partner. Your partner didn’t offer you the same respect, and that would be a problem for me. 

Edited November 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

I don’t think this is worth a further discussion as a couple. He did make plans to see someone in more of a dating capacity under the guise of friendship. 

You are going through his phone. I agree with a previous comment this is over. Forget her for a second and think carefully about the life you want to live. Is it like this? Do you truly see your existence unfolding before you checking the phone or looking over your shoulder with a partner?

[Weezy1973]

Regardless of where the dinner was on the innocent - guilty spectrum, it was not done in way that respected your relationship. 

That being said, the relationship doesn’t have to end. But you will need to communicate some very clear boundaries. Don’t worry about being perceived as the “crazy jealous girlfriend” because you’re not. You’re just establishing what you believe to be appropriate boundaries when in a serious relationship.

And then see how he reacts. If he tries to spin this around on you, gaslight etc. then the relationship is over. If he apologizes, owns up to the mistake, genuinely sees the error of his ways, offers to delete her off his social media etc. then I think it can be salvaged. 

[BrinnM]

10 hours ago, princessaurora said:

there is no reason a committed man should be meeting a woman for dinner and paying for it as well as her ride home when the only history they have is 1 date three years  ago.

This 💯 - totally agree with @princessaurora

How did anybody miss this? He proactively reached out to somebody he dated three years ago? Not even dated – they met once for a first date. There is literally nothing to catch up on. There’s no friendship. He obviously has some other sort of interest in her. As there’s no history between them, him reaching out, treating her to dinner and paying for her Uber (seriously?), his intentions are to “build” something. Build a friendship, build some sexual tension, build some romantic interest, maybe an FWB sitch, or whatever. There’s no past foundation, and he’s apparently looking to build something for the future. For whatever reason. We don’t know the end goal (I’m assuming sex or an affair), but his actions clearly indicate he’s got something in mind.

And don’t get fooled by the “he was honest with me” thing. It’s a strategy where he pretends to be honest and open, while doing what he pleases with whomever he pleases, because he is “keeping you in the loop”, so don’t make a fuss. You have known all along, so no reason to “act up” now. Right?

[Plus, don’t forget, you don’t know what he’s really told her (about you and other things they “caught up on”).]

I definitely don’t think he’s trying to make you jealous. You’ve been dating 2 or 3 years, so I’m sure he feels secure in the relationship. All he wants is some extra, and/or a smooth transition to something he perceives as “better”.

You have very few options here, unfortunately. You can put up with it and play it cool/indifferent, you can put your foot down and say that that’s not acceptable (but you’re not his mom, so…), or you can break up, because honestly, if the guy you’re in a serious relationship with shows that much interest in a random date from years ago, and makes that much of an effort and spends money on her, then that’s probably not the end of it yet. You should feel disrespected and act accordingly. 
And yes - I understand that breaking up can be considered as an overreaction. Because it only happened once (as far as you know), but look at his motives. What is he trying to accomplish? Why is he doing this? Why is he making an effort to meet a random date from literally years ago? Would he have said no if she had invited him into the Uber that he paid for? Yeah, I doubt it.