My boyfriend went to dinner with another woman and pecked her on the cheek. Should I be upset?

[Imaginary excuse]

17 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

It's totally inappropriate on his part.

He already has a girlfriend... you. 

Would he be ok if you went out on a date with another guy that you met online? 

He is disrespecting you by going out on an intimite dinner with another girl. He should have been taking you out for dinner, not her. He is attracted to her and eventually, it will turn physical between him and her even if you are in the picture. 

It's clear he want to date other women. How many other women is he talking to and taking out to dinners behind your back?

They haven’t spoken in two days....(I’ve been checking and Instagram shows if messages have been unsent), so if he wanted her wouldn’t he have continued to say something to her? The last communication after their dinner was him laughing at her post and that’s it. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

He reached out to her. This is what I saw in their messages:

 

Before the dinner he laughed at one of her posts and said he couldn’t wait to see her. The freak question she responded with “yea I am lol” but then followed up “you shouldn’t be texting and driving”. Then he brought up something about him laughing at him spilling his drink. Then asked if she made it home safely. They exchange a few more messages - nothing crazy. She asked why he was still up he responded the next morning saying he ended up falling asleep. She liked the message and that was it. This morning he laughed at one of her stories. She hasn’t said anything to him and neither has he.

This is why I suggested that you avoid getting bogged in the details.

You're getting lost in the weeds and losing the big picture.

If you know he has crossed the line and you want to be done with him, let it burn!

[LynneVicious]

Truth is, you have no idea what he actually said on their ‘date’. He could have made anything up to you. He probably lied to you but threw a bone about telling her she was attractive because he figures you’re not stupid. 
 

the ‘freak’ text does him in. As does the reaching out to her after years and paying for their date. He should want to date any other woman while with you. 
 

im sorry, but the writing is clearly on the wall. He’s branching out. 

[poppyfields]

I'm not sure he wants to date other women (plural), but his behavior strongly suggests he wants to date this women. 

My take is the reason he didn't mention the date beforehand was because he didn't know how it would pan out, it he would feel an attraction and want to pursue it..

After the date, he did know.  He's attracted and does want to pursue it, so he mentions "her" when talking about it which gets your wheels spinning, asking questions, anxious and jealous. 

Thus creating something called "triangulation."

Triangulation happens when one or both of the people involved in the conflict try to pull a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of: deflecting some of the tension. creating another conflict to take the spotlight off the original issue. reinforcing their sense of rightness or superiority.

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

They haven’t spoken in two days....(I’ve been checking and Instagram shows if messages have been unsent), so if he wanted her wouldn’t he have continued to say something to her? The last communication after their dinner was him laughing at her post and that’s it. 

He could have bought a phone with pre-paid minutes or set up a private Gmail account, any number of things to hide what he's doing. . 

Please please don't go into denial about this,  something is going on.

For me, being as experienced as I am with this type of thing, I would simply wish him well and walk.  

Leave them to it. 

Just my way, I'm sure others would disagree with that approach, but I have zero tolerance for games and any sort of deception.

Talking about my feelings never worked in this regard. He would deny, blame me for being too "sensitive," flip the script; talking about my feelings ended up making it worse!

That's typically how it goes down when you attempt to discuss/confront deception.

Just walk. 

Trust is huge for me! 

Just from reading, I am sensing such strong negative vibes and I'm not a distrustful person by nature.

Again, don't go into denial, which is so easy to do. 

All the best. 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're getting lost in the weeds and losing the big picture.

Agree. Don’t let the fact that they haven’t spoken in two days distract you from the fact that your boyfriend went on a date with another woman. That is not a sign of reassurance that it meant nothing - that all is well - 

Edited November 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[Imaginary excuse]

Aaaaand she just posted a video of herself in this black top and a black mask (covid) with the caption “feel like a ninja today”...my boyfriend commented the laughing crying emoji

 

and he just told her she looks good. Wtf. 

Edited November 4, 2022 by Imaginary excuse

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

my boyfriend commented the laughing crying emoji

Why is this guy still your "boyfriend"? I'm curious what you're waiting for?  

Lord, if this were me, I would be so gone by now. 

Please have some self respect, it's insulting what he's doing. 

Don't you think? 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Mike B.]

Well, he says it was one date. He can't say it was 2 dates or more since a bomb will definitely go off on this one.

[glows]

25 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

Aaaaand she just posted a video of herself in this black top and a black mask (covid) with the caption “feel like a ninja today”...my boyfriend commented the laughing crying emoji

 

and he just told her she looks good. Wtf. 

She’s not the focus, OP. It’s your apparent “boyfriend”. It may be helpful to go back to the basics and ask yourself what type of boyfriend, relationship or life you want out of this. Don’t get dragged down with the trainwreck.

[NuevoYorko]

I wonder if he'll be going on "catch up" dates with  other women he's met even just once while doing OLD over the years.  That would keep a person quite busy.  

 

[Imaginary excuse]

16 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I wonder if he'll be going on "catch up" dates with  other women he's met even just once while doing OLD over the years.  That would keep a person quite busy.  

 

So you think he’s doing this with more women? 

[LynneVicious]

19 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

So you think he’s doing this with more women? 

Does it really matter? He’s actively courting another woman while on a committed relationship with you. 

Now you have the facts. You can either be okay with it and carry on deal with the next steps he has planned with her, or you can nip it in the bud and send him his walking papers. 

[Weezy1973]

Question OP - what is his “normal” social media behaviour like? Is this outside his normal, or is he someone that “play flirts” pretty regularly? 

[Alpacalia]

My guess is that right now, this woman occupies your headspace more than your boyfriend does.

Your focus continues to be on monitoring their interactions and providing play-by-plays.

[IrinaM]

1 hour ago, Imaginary excuse said:

So you think he’s doing this with more women? 

yes probably. but what's more important is that he disrespects you. Please don't stay in denial about this.

[Will am I]

6 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

He reached out to her. This is what I saw in their messages:

 

Before the dinner he laughed at one of her posts and said he couldn’t wait to see her. The freak question she responded with “yea I am lol” but then followed up “you shouldn’t be texting and driving”. Then he brought up something about him laughing at him spilling his drink. Then asked if she made it home safely. They exchange a few more messages - nothing crazy. She asked why he was still up he responded the next morning saying he ended up falling asleep. She liked the message and that was it. This morning he laughed at one of her stories. She hasn’t said anything to him and neither has he.

That giggly dynamic between them would make me uncomfortable.

It’s like they’re establishing a secret language like couples have.

The “freak” remark is apparently a reference to something that was talked about privately between them. The “text and drive”, maybe too? 

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Imaginary excuse said:

So you think he’s doing this with more women? 

OP, I have a question (based on your sad emoji) which I ask for understanding as frankly I am a bit baffled at your reactions.

I understand you're sad, and perhaps hurt, but my question is, why are you not angry?   Heck I am angry for you!

This man is not only disrespecting you and your relationship but his behavior with respect to this woman is also quite demeaning to you and as I said insulting.

And the fact he is so blatant about it, right on social media for all to see, good gawd!  Has this man no shame?

Anyway, not judging, again curious to what your thought process is about all this.

It's not uncommon for people to tell themselves "stories" to justify bad disrespectful behavior as acknowledging the reality can be quite painful.

And wondering if that is, at least in part, what you are doing now.  A form of denial and avoidance.

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Imaginary excuse]

Just now, poppyfields said:

OP, I have a question (based on your sad emoji) which I ask for understanding as frankly I am a bit baffled at your reactions.

I understand you're sad, and perhaps hurt, but my question is, why are you not angry?   Heck I am angry for you!

This man is not only disrespecting you and your relationship but it's alsao quite demeaning and as I said insulting.

And the fact he is so blatant about it, right on social media for all to see, good gawd!

Anyway, not judging, again curious to what your thought process is about all this.

It's not uncommon for people to tell themselves "stories" to justify bad disrespectful behavior as acknowledging the reality can be quite painful.

And wondering if that is, at least in part, what you are doing now

 

I think because I’m such shock. I’m so close to his family, especially his mom and our lives have become so ingratiated. My friends are his friends and vice versa and now we’re all just one big group of close friends. We’ve even talked about marriage and kids. We rarely fight. I’m losing a lot here. I’m just...shocked. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

he just told her she looks good. Wtf. 

They are flirting and  going on dates. It's unclear why you believe she is "just a friend".

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

I think because I’m such shock. I’m so close to his family, especially his mom and our lives have become so ingratiated. My friends are his friends and vice versa and now we’re all just one big group of close friends. We’ve even talked about marriage and kids. We rarely fight. I’m losing a lot here. I’m just...shocked. 

JMO but I think you lose more by remaining.  Your self-respect and your own moral compass.

I do understand your shock though.   

That's why sometimes, friends want to shake us, or even get angry at us, to wake us up from our shock.

Being close to his family, sharing the same social circle, discussing marriage and kids doesn't mean much.

I mean couples can be married for years and years, share the same friends, have planned to spend their entire lives together, and this happens.

I would strong urge you to wake up and face reality, it just doesn't look no matter how you slice and dice.

I am truly sorry. 

 

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

If my husband did this his clothing and crap would be on the front lawn on fire. Your BF is being inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship. Maybe you should show him the door. 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

So you think he’s doing this with more women? 

 

Who knows?  He had no particular connection with this one lady - one date which "went nowhere" but he felt like "catching up."  Why not others?  Sorry, but he's a useless boyfriend and I don't think you have anything more to consider beyond  whether you want to be in an "open relationship" with a guy who didn't  talk to you about it before starting to practice it.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Imaginary excuse said:

I’m losing a lot here. I’m just...shocked

I can understand your disbelief. This behaviour is obviously not in line with the man you thought you knew. 

But something has changed for him, somewhere along the way. A man who is invested in your future as a couple doesn't go fishing for dinner with a woman he had one date with three years ago. 

He's already got one foot out the door, sadly. If she asked him to meet her and gave him signals she was interested in seeing him again, he would bite. Guaranteeed. And even if she doesn't, you now know very clearly that he is not committed to you anymore. There is no future with a man like this, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

We’ve even talked about marriage and kids. We rarely fight. I’m losing a lot here. I’m just...shocked. 

Do you live together? How old is he?