My boyfriend went to dinner with another woman and pecked her on the cheek. Should I be upset?

[Imaginary excuse]

So my boyfriend told me he was having dinner with a friend, which I had no problem with. He owns a fairly large company so he is always meeting people, having dinners, and networking.

The next day, after the dinner, I asked him how it was. He said, “it was good catching up with her”. As soon as he said “her” I started asking questions. I never heard of her before and asked when and how they met. He said they had one date 3 years ago but nothing came of it. I asked him if they’d stayed in contact developing a friendship. He said yea, they’ve stayed friends on social media. This brought me to my next question - how did this dinner come up and he said he messaged her asking her how she’d been. They exchanged the perfunctory catching questions and he mentioned how they had a good time last time and asked if she wanted to get dinner. He said he brought me up at dinner. I asked in which way. He said I asked how her dating life was going, what kind of guys she’s into. She asked him how his dating life was going. He told her, “It’s going really well. I hadn’t want to get married until this relationship. I want to to address the elephant in the room. I asked you here just to see how you’d been”. Then he went into how he and I met. I was annoyed but felt relieved that he told her about us. I don’t think he’s lying because I’m plastered all over his social media and he just posted a picture of us 3 days ago where he’s kissing my forehead with the caption ‘I love you’, so it’s obvious I’m in the picture. I left it there and didn’t care about him going to dinner with her anymore because it really did seem like they were catching up.

Although I wasn’t really bothered anymore I was still just a tiny bit curious what she looked like so I asked him to show me her insta. He pulled her up and she is drop dead model gorgeous. She looks just like Halle Berry except younger with beautiful curly hair. This ended up bothering me, so this lead me to asking me more questions. I asked him if anything happen. He said no the most they did was hug and he pecked her on the cheek when he got her an Uber home and was walking her to the car. I got pretty annoyed at this. Pecked on the cheek?? So, I flat out asked him if he thought she was attractive. He paused and said, “ I mean...she’s objectively attractive”. And I asked him if she was attracted to him and he said, “I don’t know. Doubt it. She told me I was attractive but I didn’t get the vibe she’s attracted to me. We’re friends”. I asked when she told him he was attractive. She told him he was attractive when they had dinner the night before. I asked him how that even come up and he said it’s because he was making fun of her height (she’s short) and he said, “5’2 looks good on you though. You’re very attractive and she said oh you’re attractive too”. Obviously this made me pretty mad.

I talked to my best friend she said my boyfriend told her about me and he’s not trying to keep me hidden, so I have nothing to worry about. She also said the peck on the cheek was just him being a gentleman and if he wanted to go further he would’ve. Basically, she said that it’s understandable that I’m annoyed but I have nothing to worry about. What are your thoughts?

[stillafool]

I don't see where he's done anything wrong.  He has been totally transparent.  If she looks like a young Halle Berry it's doubtful she's desperate for a man.  I don't think you should be angry or worried.

[BaileyB]

Maybe I missed it, but how does he plan to move forward? Are they going to stay social media friends and like each other’s photos for the next three years? Or are they planning to meet again? 

[Imaginary excuse]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Maybe I missed it, but how does he plan to move forward? Are they going to stay social media friends and like each other’s photos for the next three years? Or are they planning to meet again? 

Well they’re still friends on social media again and he didn’t say anything about them meeting up again.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

Well they’re still friends on social media again and he didn’t say anything about them meeting up again.

But didn't he say they were already friends on social media and there's no reason to meet again because they already caught up.

[Trail Blazer]

Had he told you he was catching up with a "her" beforehand, how would you have felt?

Do you believe that he intentionally neglected to mention he was meeting a woman before this happened?

My view is that if everything transpired exactly as though he stated, then you have nothing to worry about.

However, I know that if I were in his position, I wouldn't forget to mention that I was meeting another woman.

Your boyfriend clearly thinks he's done nothing wrong.  In my view, it wasn't right to not mention he was meeting a platonic female friend.

I understand how you could be feeling jealous.  I'd be very surprised if he didn't consider this as a possibility.

In any case, I suggest you speak with him and tell him how you're feeling.  If anything, he just needs to be aware that his transparency would be appreciated before and after in future.

[Imaginary excuse]

8 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Had he told you he was catching up with a "her" beforehand, how would you have felt?

Do you believe that he intentionally neglected to mention he was meeting a woman before this happened?

My view is that if everything transpired exactly as though he stated, then you have nothing to worry about.

However, I know that if I were in his position, I wouldn't forget to mention that I was meeting another woman.

Your boyfriend clearly thinks he's done nothing wrong.  In my view, it wasn't right to not mention he was meeting a platonic female friend.

I understand how you could be feeling jealous.  I'd be very surprised if he didn't consider this as a possibility.

In any case, I suggest you speak with him and tell him how you're feeling.  If anything, he just needs to be aware that his transparency would be appreciated before and after in future.

Thanks. My thing is, why would he tell her she’s “very attractive”?

[Alpacalia]

Clearly, you're upset.

Does it change things? Not really.

Why? For one thing, because even if he has lingering feelings for her, there’s nothing you can do about it. Not. A. Thing.

Bottom line, he clearly loves you. But probably what’s really going on is that he enjoys having dinner with her. It sounds a bit flirtatious too.

Truth is, only YOU can decide what's appropriate and comfortable for you. Your boyfriend may disagree with you, and that’s his right. And maybe, through the conversation (or conversations, plural), you both gain a clearer understanding of the other’s perspective. And maybe there isn’t a solution that feels 100% comfortable — you may never like when your boyfriend spends time in the company of his ex, for example — but at least you can discern intent and feelings.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Imaginary excuse said:

So my boyfriend told me he was having dinner with a friend, which I had no problem with. He owns a fairly large company so he is always meeting people, having dinners, and networking.

The next day, after the dinner, I asked him how it was. He said, “it was good catching up with her”. As soon as he said “her” I started asking questions. I never heard of her before and asked when and how they met. He said they had one date 3 years ago but nothing came of it. I asked him if they’d stayed in contact developing a friendship. He said yea, they’ve stayed friends on social media. This brought me to my next question - how did this dinner come up and he said he messaged her asking her how she’d been. They exchanged the perfunctory catching questions and he mentioned how they had a good time last time and asked if she wanted to get dinner. He said he brought me up at dinner. I asked in which way. He said I asked how her dating life was going, what kind of guys she’s into. She asked him how his dating life was going. He told her, “It’s going really well. I hadn’t want to get married until this relationship. I want to to address the elephant in the room. I asked you here just to see how you’d been”. Then he went into how he and I met. I was annoyed but felt relieved that he told her about us. I don’t think he’s lying because I’m plastered all over his social media and he just posted a picture of us 3 days ago where he’s kissing my forehead with the caption ‘I love you’, so it’s obvious I’m in the picture. I left it there and didn’t care about him going to dinner with her anymore because it really did seem like they were catching up.

Although I wasn’t really bothered anymore I was still just a tiny bit curious what she looked like so I asked him to show me her insta. He pulled her up and she is drop dead model gorgeous. She looks just like Halle Berry except younger with beautiful curly hair. This ended up bothering me, so this lead me to asking me more questions. I asked him if anything happen. He said no the most they did was hug and he pecked her on the cheek when he got her an Uber home and was walking her to the car. I got pretty annoyed at this. Pecked on the cheek?? So, I flat out asked him if he thought she was attractive. He paused and said, “ I mean...she’s objectively attractive”. And I asked him if she was attracted to him and he said, “I don’t know. Doubt it. She told me I was attractive but I didn’t get the vibe she’s attracted to me. We’re friends”. I asked when she told him he was attractive. She told him he was attractive when they had dinner the night before. I asked him how that even come up and he said it’s because he was making fun of her height (she’s short) and he said, “5’2 looks good on you though. You’re very attractive and she said oh you’re attractive too”. Obviously this made me pretty mad.

I talked to my best friend she said my boyfriend told her about me and he’s not trying to keep me hidden, so I have nothing to worry about. She also said the peck on the cheek was just him being a gentleman and if he wanted to go further he would’ve. Basically, she said that it’s understandable that I’m annoyed but I have nothing to worry about. What are your thoughts?

 

all you shared was they had one date once.

 

did they meet online or through work where they have established business relations??

he was open and honest about this and is not hiding things

stop being jealous 

 

my ex- gf showed some jealousy once seeing my Facebook page and seeing a woman respond to one of my posts snd she was like who is this person. She’s my first cousins wife.

[Imaginary excuse]

7 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

all you shared was they had one date once.

 

did they meet online or through work where they have established business relations??

he was open and honest about this and is not hiding things

stop being jealous 

 

my ex- gf showed some jealousy once seeing my Facebook page and seeing a woman respond to one of my posts snd she was like who is this person. She’s my first cousins wife.

They met on a dating app...

[Imaginary excuse]

Well apparently he sent her message after their dinner ask if she’s a freak...this is  great 😂

Edited November 4, 2022 by Imaginary excuse

[Lotsgoingon]

He should have talked about her to you before going out with her. But I count this as small.

I pretty much kiss all my women friends on the cheek with a peck and usually a hug. God, I remember a friend from the old days, whenever I'd see her (and yes she was attractive) she'd stick that cheek out almost demanding that I kiss it. It was just part of her greeting. She wasn't hitting on me or flirting.

OK, so friend's gorgeous ... well I bet you have a friend or coworker, a man, who is equally gorgeous. 

You were good to ask questions. He should have normalized this with you though by bringing her up before. He probably was afraid to do so. 

You do want to figure this out. I mean, I have lots of close women friends, so anyone I've dated had to know that. And my ex didn't like that and that did not go well with me, felt very confining. I have good male friends too but when I want to get deep and raw about what's going on emotionally, I hit up my women friends. I can do this with my male friends, but it's more indirect and takes more time. 

Figure this out before you guys take any bigger steps forward. Is he the type of guy who will be inviting women out to dinner? BTW: he should not be paying.for their meal. (I will pay for my women friends only for a special occasion--a birthday ... or oddly, a death in their family ... and vice versa that's when they pay for me.)

Are you OK with him being that type of guy? 

 

 

[basil67]

I think it's concerning that he didn't tell you he was catching up with her.  However, I'm wondering if there has been issues with your jealousy before.  Whether it be him doing all kinds of suspicious things and you being justifiably worried....or if you get jealous easily.   It could all be part of the how open he is.

Also, as you knew she was stunning, why did you ask him if he thought she was stunning?   You've put him in a no win situation: If she says he doesn't find her attractive, then he's lying.  If he admits she's attractive, then he's also in trouble.  

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

Well apparently he sent her message after their dinner ask if she’s a freak...this is  great 😂

How do you know this?

[Imaginary excuse]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How do you know this?

I checked their messages

[basil67]

Well if you're at the point of spying, this relationship is already done.

[Imaginary excuse]

8 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He should have talked about her to you before going out with her. But I count this as small.

I pretty much kiss all my women friends on the cheek with a peck and usually a hug. God, I remember a friend from the old days, whenever I'd see her (and yes she was attractive) she'd stick that cheek out almost demanding that I kiss it. It was just part of her greeting. She wasn't hitting on me or flirting.

OK, so friend's gorgeous ... well I bet you have a friend or coworker, a man, who is equally gorgeous. 

You were good to ask questions. He should have normalized this with you though by bringing her up before. He probably was afraid to do so. 

You do want to figure this out. I mean, I have lots of close women friends, so anyone I've dated had to know that. And my ex didn't like that and that did not go well with me, felt very confining. I have good male friends too but when I want to get deep and raw about what's going on emotionally, I hit up my women friends. I can do this with my male friends, but it's more indirect and takes more time. 

Figure this out before you guys take any bigger steps forward. Is he the type of guy who will be inviting women out to dinner? BTW: he should not be paying.for their meal. (I will pay for my women friends only for a special occasion--a birthday ... or oddly, a death in their family ... and vice versa that's when they pay for me.)

Are you OK with him being that type of guy? 

 

 

And he paid for her Uber back home...

 

do you tell the women friends that you’ve pecked on the cheek that you think they’re attractive?

[Imaginary excuse]

Just now, basil67 said:

Well if you're at the point of spying, this relationship is already done.

So I’m wrong for checking but not him for asking her sexual question?

[basil67]

Just now, Imaginary excuse said:

So I’m wrong for checking but not him for asking her sexual question?

I didn't say you were wrong.  What I mean is that if things are so bad that you need to spy, then the relationship is already done.  

Are you actually thinking of continuing with him?

[Mike B.]

If he was significantly interested in her in a romantic way, you would have never known about her until it was too late.

The real question is why did he tell you so much about this situation? He probably overshared.

I think it is the responsibility of both individuals in a relationship to make their partner feel secure in that relationship. This is being aware of anxiety inducing information and how to deliver it if it needs to be discussed.

The whole time I read your post, I pictured a guy casually taking off his coat and tie and hanging it up in the closet as he nonchalantly told you he just had dinner with a woman he went out on a date with in the past. He then moved to the master bedroom sink to brush his teeth as you ran up behind him in your pajamas. As he is brushing his teeth, he casually tells you with a mouthful of toothpaste and water and you staring at him from the bathroom doorway in your jammies that he kissed her on the cheek at the end of the night. When you protest, I can just see him saying "Ayyyyy," like the Fonz, "it was just a peck on the cheek."

Anyone would have to know this would cause a level of anxiety and insecurity in their partner but maybe it didn't go down exactly like that. Right?

[poppyfields]

A bit of a different take.

If me, when he replied “it was good catching up with ‘her’ I would have responded “I’m glad you had a good time” (or something like) and left it at that.

Why so detached?

Because it was a jealousy test; he was seeking a jealous reaction and boy did you give him one!  You fed right into it – immediately asking probing questions, becoming jealous and I bet my right arm he loved every minute of it!  That was his intention.

God only know what he actually told HER.  Despite what he told YOU he told her.

He has created a situation where he’s got two women now vying for his attention and playing the two of you against each other.  There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever about that.

This is not only immature but cruel and not someone I personally would want to move forward with, but your call on that.

I dated a guy who used to play these games, being elusive about certain things and creating jealousy scenarios. I was younger and it took me awhile to catch on, but I eventually caught on that his intention to was to create jealousy and two women competing for him.

No thank you!  I broke up with him soon thereafter.

I don’t envision this getting better OP, in fact given how you gave him EXACTLY the jealous reaction he was seeking, he might even up the ante.

If you’re intent on remaining with him, let this go, no more questions.  

And if he brings her up or does anything like this again, IGNORE IT.  In one ear and out the other, do not allow it to affect you.   

Be better than that and have higher standards for yourself.

It’s a game, a * test all the way and it was intentional.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Imaginary excuse]

6 minutes ago, Mike B. said:

If he was significantly interested in her in a romantic way, you would have never known about her until it was too late.

The real question is why did he tell you so much about this situation? He probably overshared.

I think it is the responsibility of both individuals in a relationship to make their partner feel secure in that relationship. This is being aware of anxiety inducing information and how to deliver it if it needs to be discussed.

The whole time I read your post, I pictured a guy casually taking off his coat and tie and hanging it up in the closet as he nonchalantly told you he just had dinner with a woman he went out on a date with in the past. He then moved to the master bedroom sink to brush his teeth as you ran up behind him in your pajamas. As he is brushing his teeth, he casually tells you with a mouthful of toothpaste and water and you staring at him from the bathroom doorway in your jammies that he kissed her on the cheek at the end of the night. When you protest, I can just see him saying "Ayyyyy," like the Fonz, "it was just a peck on the cheek."

Anyone would have to know this would cause a level of anxiety and insecurity in their partner but maybe it didn't go down exactly like that. Right?

He messaged her asking her if she was a freak....

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

He messaged her asking her if she was a freak....

I rest my case.....

[Imaginary excuse]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I rest my case.....

He sent her the message right after their dinner/before he and I talked today 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Imaginary excuse said:

He sent her the message right after their dinner/before he and I talked today 

I don't see how it matters when he told her.  The fact is he messaged her, he took her to dinner which he neglected to tell you about until AFTER the fact (knowing the reaction he'd get), he kissed her, and is now sending her messages asking if she is a freak. 

Again intentionally creating jealousy and anxiety/insecurity in you.   WTH.  Seriously.

This is NOT very nice or loving thing to do, it's selfish and ego-driven.

I see nothing good or positive about this at all but again your call and good luck.

 

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields