My boyfriend went to dinner with another woman and pecked her on the cheek. Should I be upset?

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

So you think he’s doing this with more women? 

 

Who knows?  He had no particular connection with this one lady - one date which "went nowhere" but he felt like "catching up."  Why not others?  Sorry, but he's a useless boyfriend and I don't think you have anything more to consider beyond  whether you want to be in an "open relationship" with a guy who didn't  talk to you about it before starting to practice it.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Imaginary excuse said:

I’m losing a lot here. I’m just...shocked

I can understand your disbelief. This behaviour is obviously not in line with the man you thought you knew. 

But something has changed for him, somewhere along the way. A man who is invested in your future as a couple doesn't go fishing for dinner with a woman he had one date with three years ago. 

He's already got one foot out the door, sadly. If she asked him to meet her and gave him signals she was interested in seeing him again, he would bite. Guaranteeed. And even if she doesn't, you now know very clearly that he is not committed to you anymore. There is no future with a man like this, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

We’ve even talked about marriage and kids. We rarely fight. I’m losing a lot here. I’m just...shocked. 

Do you live together? How old is he?

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Imaginary excuse said:

We rarely fight..

Just want to say this^ is not necessary a good thing.  Never or rarely disagreeing or arguing (in a healthy way of course) suggests a certain emotional distance and coldness in the relationship. 

I am not suggesting having a screaming match but when two individual and separate human beings come together, and they share an emotional (and passionate) bond, there are bound to be things they will disagree with and argue about.  This is normal and healthy.

If I were to venture a guess, it would be your boyfriend became bored and complacent, a feeling of meh, and intentionally sought this woman out hoping to somehow reawaken this internally lonely existence he's living in now.  Emotionally.

He's good at going through the motions and keeping up appearances (on social media for example) but something's missing, for him.

Again, just a guess but something to consider.

Given you are part of each other's family (so to speak) and social circle, perhaps you'd be better off good friends.

 

 

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Stret]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Regardless of where the dinner was on the innocent - guilty spectrum, it was not done in way that respected your relationship. 

That being said, the relationship doesn’t have to end. But you will need to communicate some very clear boundaries. Don’t worry about being perceived as the “crazy jealous girlfriend” because you’re not. You’re just establishing what you believe to be appropriate boundaries when in a serious relationship.

And then see how he reacts. If he tries to spin this around on you, gaslight etc. then the relationship is over. If he apologizes, owns up to the mistake, genuinely sees the error of his ways, offers to delete her off his social media etc. then I think it can be salvaged. 

I second this opinion. 

The sole reason that he went out to dinner with her is because she's attractive, and that in itself is disturbing for his relationship with you, OP.
She was not his friend. They have no history together. They are not business partners. If she were unattractive, he would have never gone to dinner with her.  

As Weezy said it - have a calm conversation with him and draw your boundaries, see how he acts after that. If he tests you still, and ignores your boundaries, it is time to end it. You have to respect your own boundaries too and not let him cross one after another. 

 

[poppyfields]

JMO as always OP, but I believe certain boundaries are a given when in a committed relationship, such as reaching out to people you had one date with years ago, taking them to dinner, kissing them, flirting with them over email and SM.  Etc.

I am not understanding why such boundaries need to spelled out, again they are a given or should be.

This man disrespected those boundaries OP, plain and simple.

I see no point in discussing this, pack your bags (or his) and LEAVE.

As I said earlier, if you attempt to talk about your feelings, he will either deny, label you as too sensitive, suspicious and distrustful, or any number of things to deflect blame and take responsibility.

He's gone imo, it's over or on its way to being over.

Again, I am truly sorry.

Please keep us updated and hang in, time heals, and I speak from experience when saying that.

 

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

It's really important that you stop focussing on and trying to analyze the details of what was said and done on this one date with this woman.  What is meaningful is that your boyfriend thinks this is appropriate and went ahead and engaged in it.   You have to accept having a boyfriend that is going to reach out to women he's interested in for any reason and take them out on a date if he feels like it, if you are going to stay in this relationship.  Even if he told you all of the details after and told her about you.  It doesn't sound like you are down with that.