Multiple passwords

[meezo99]

Ok, so my partner and I have been together for the better part of 8 months. There have been some ups and downs, mainly to do with her lack of honesty in the beginning (no chesting).She lied about some of her guy friends history together, and some exaggerated dates and times. But, for the most part we're good now. 

Recently I noticed that when she logs into her iPhone, she has multiple passwords to login. I of course do not go through her phone, but i cant help but to notice different number patterns and it worries me. I'm an android user, so I don't know what the benefit would be to having multiple pin codes, but what comes to mind is if she has certain things hidden on different profiles on her phone. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting, but my gut tells me there's a reason to be at alert. 

I suppose maybe I subconsciously want to be wrong about this 

Thoughts?

[Alpacalia]

I am not an iPhone user but I think this is a pretty standard option with Apple for two-factor authentication.

How about just asking her?

If you suspect her of something, ask her about it. 

[basil67]

I've used iphones since they started.  To my knowledge, there aren't options for multiple profiles

[Alpacalia]

Is this what you're referring to?

Content and Privacy Restrictions.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sean With The Wind said:

 what comes to mind is if she has certain things hidden on different profiles on her phone. 

8 mos is a good time to access the relationship and how well you get along. How old is she?

Both of you should have password protected devices. Set yours so that after a certain time of inactivity it automatically locks. Phones have too much personal data to be unsecured.

Sadly you already seem suspicious of her and her phone activities.  

Once a relationship devolves into suspicions about phone activities, it's over. Obviously you don't want to ask her why she uses appropriate security measures on her phone. Does she ask about your phone activities or security settings?

[Alpacalia]

[ ] 

OP sometimes, suspicions of being cheated on stem from past relationships or personal insecurities.

So, this may have more to do with you than it does her.

Edited November 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[glows]

You can search the App Store on any smartphone and see that there are apps to add another layer of protection for various reasons. 

You distrust her and have a history of not trusting her. Before proceeding ask yourself whether you want to be with someone you can’t trust? What was it about her guy friends history that made you uncomfortable? 

She may be immature and naive believing her lies or omissions at the start don’t have an impact. That’s extremely common especially when someone is in the rebound or just thoughtless in general.

Edited November 4, 2022 by glows

[meezo99]

Thank you all for the replies. There is a layer of us that is absolutely wonderful. Then there is one where she's very protective or herself, which is totally fine. 

To be clear, its not a two factor authentication. Recently we were on a bus from Boston to New York. She used a pin code to unlock her phone to check a map. But maybe 20 minutes later, I noticed she used a different pin code to unlock her phone to check her messages. It just seemed odd. 

Typically we don't hang out much during the week, so Im planning to talk to her this weekend, just wanted to see how a stranger viewed this. 

Also, this doesn't stem from trauma in a past relationship. It's more, things that have happened during the course of this relationship. 

She is 45, I am 42.

[Alpacalia]

Either you have reason to be suspicious or you're not affording her privacy.

If you are having concerns, be mature enough to talk with her about the specific behavior(s) that cause you to doubt her integrity. If you still can't trust her, don't date her!

Edited November 4, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

You’ll have to use your own discretion here and figure out whether the companionship of this relationship, having her as a partner or on your travels is worth the headache. She may be a decent person but you don’t feel comfortable around her.

Talking about it is fine but stop when it comes to the point where you’re both going around in circles. You don’t want to come across as controlling, paranoid and distrustful forever. Know when enough is enough and walk away rather than continuing the charade.

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, Sean With The Wind said:

Ok, so my partner and I have been together for the better part of 8 months. There have been some ups and downs, mainly to do with her lack of honesty in the beginning (no cheating). She lied about some of her guy friends history together, and some exaggerated dates and times.

I think your suspicions most likely stem from this^.

I realize when we first meet someone we are attracted to, it's very difficult walking away when you discover things like what you discovered about your girlfriend very early on.  However, it's a BIG mistake to not do so, for exactly what is happening now.

Confusion, suspicion and distrust.  

The early stages (first six months or so) are for observing behavior and evaluating if this person is a good fit for you long term.

Here, clearly, with her lack of honesty and lying, she is not.  As such, next time you encounter a woman like this, maintain your self-respect, hold yourself to higher standards and walk.

This will avoid hurt, pain, confusion, disappointment, suspicion and distrust later.

In this case, the best advice is to follow your gut, your own intuition based on what is happening and has happened in THIS relationship, not what you have experienced in other relationships in the past.

If me (after dating many years and learning), whenever I met a man who very early on had been dishonest and lied, he would have been gone from my life immediately. 

I walked away before getting too invested and involved.  Saved me a lot of heartache and a whole lot of unnecessary BS such that you are experiencing now, with passwords and *.

Take from that what you will, and good luck whatever you decide. 

 

 

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sean With The Wind said:

I noticed she used a different pin code to unlock her phone to check her messages. It just seemed odd.  It's more, things that have happened during the course of this relationship. She is 45, I am 42.

What happened that you feel suspicious about? The phone thing and layers of security is not odd at all. If she wanted to cheat she doesn't need added phone security to do so.

Edited November 4, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

Long term iPhone user. An iPhone does not come with multi account support, where separate codes give access to separate profiles.

There are apps that hide behind a benign user interface such as a calculator and contain a vault of photos etc. hidden behind a code. But that code is punched into the app, not the lock screen.

 

[ShyViolet]

I find it strange that you are so fixated on this "multiple passwords" thing.  I am not aware of any options to have multiple passwords on an iPhone.  But whatever the reason for the different password, honestly what does it matter?  Why is it your business?  And I am not seeing your logic.... how would that translate to her being "dishonest" with you or somehow possibly cheating?  It doesn't even make sense.  

[meezo99]

It makes sense to me, which is why I am reaching out to strangers for opinion on the questions I asked, rather than opinions on my character or logic.

This history is of not telling the truth and hiding things. I noticed the multiple passwords thing and it seemed super odd to me. Not being an iPhone user, I wondered if there was some way of having multiple profiles on one. Clearly there are trust issues within the relationship, that we are working on. Dishonesty can be traumatic. 

For me, I am open and honest always. Though sometimes, I do take a moment to gather my thoughts, like with this now. Knowing who she is publicly and privately,  I do not see a reason to be that protective of privacy. We know practically everything about each other and there's no one to hide her phone from at work. She's introverted and doesn't really see anyone else besides me outside of work. 

I just find it interesting that while on vacation i.e. together 24/7, she suddenly has multiple passwords. Me having the same pass code for like 8 years, and that she knows, it seems very protective to have multiple. Plus, the initial question was if someone can login to different profiles with different screen unlock codes.

Why is it my business? Because this is my partner, and if I or someone is making her feel the need to hide something, and after a few weeks she doesn't come to me about it, I feel it's my duty as her partner to check in, make sure everything is OK. If it is not, then we need to discuss what the next step is in our relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sean With The Wind said:

  I do not see a reason to be that protective of privacy.  .

Why is it my business? Because this is my partner, 

Privacy is dignity and boundaries. However you seem to feel it's dishonesty? 

It's important not to be this invasive in budding relationships. That is coming from your issues not hers.

It's also important to respect rather than control or police. Forcing overexposure is not honestly nor will accelerate the relationship. 

You need to let people unfold in their own time. Work on whatever trust issues or control issues you feel you have. It's not her job to allow someone she knows 28 weeks to pry into her phone.

[meezo99]

So, to be clear, we've moved past that point in our relationship. So to revert to that kind of privacy seems weird to me, which is why I am reaching out. Again, I'm not trying to go into her phone. But, for her to suddenly goto that extent of security, seemed odd to me. It wasn't like that with us before. 

[]

Edited November 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, meezo99 said:

Why is it my business? Because this is my partner, and if I or someone is making her feel the need to hide something, and after a few weeks she doesn't come to me about it, I feel it's my duty as her partner to check in, make sure everything is OK. If it is not, then we need to discuss what the next step is in our relationship. 

You're not checking in with her though.

Be open with her, and acknowledge your own feelings and where this is coming from.

“Just make sure” you aren't seeking out ways for her to be guilty because of your suspicion or uneasiness, so you aren't reacting on a moment's whim rather than assessing everything objectively.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

There is no such thing as multiple accounts on an IPhone. I have an IPhone 7S and I don't need a pass code to open my phone, it's done with my thumb print (touch ID). Newer ones are Face ID. So she's not unlocking her phone, she's unlocking some apps unless she's using some crappy old IPhone 4.

 

 

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, meezo99 said:

Why is it my business? Because this is my partner, and if I or someone is making her feel the need to hide something, and after a few weeks she doesn't come to me about it, I feel it's my duty as her partner to check in, make sure everything is OK. If it is not, then we need to discuss what the next step is in our relationship. 

OP, I agree with this^, communication is key.  

Re privacy, personally I am an extremely private person, I have no social media at all anymore which many people find strange and even my husband at first questioned if I had something to hide.

I don't, I just feel my and my family's life and personal business are no one's else business but ours.

Among other reasons, but thats the main one.

My original opinion remains that your feelings now stem from the early days when your girlfriend was dishonest and lied about a few things. 

My suggestion is to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her about privacy in relationships, trust and honesty.

It's possible you may not be quite so compatible in this regard and if so then decide what you want to do, stay or leave.

I have no advice about IPhone passwords and frankly think it's a merely a symptom of the larger issue, that you don't quite trust her, which is understandable given her dishonesty early in.

 

Edited November 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

If you already have trust issues at just 8 months in, you're not in good relationship with a healthy future in front of you. This password thing is just a symtpom of the much bigger problems between you. 

A new relationship that is already having these sorts of problems stands little chance of making it long-term. Zoom out and focus on what your gut is trying to tell you. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[glows]

On 11/5/2022 at 12:53 AM, meezo99 said:

So, to be clear, we've moved past that point in our relationship. So to revert to that kind of privacy seems weird to me, which is why I am reaching out. Again, I'm not trying to go into her phone. But, for her to suddenly goto that extent of security, seemed odd to me. It wasn't like that with us before. 

[]

The point is unfortunately that you have doubts and it’s so early at 8 months. Questions to be asking yourself: do you trust this person’s character? Their decisions? Do they seem to have any motivation and interest in their life? Do you even like who she is as a person? Do you respect her? Any similarities in your hobbies and interests or the way you approach life in general? 

Please don’t stay hung up about these details -think big picture. You’re going for someone you match with not someone you can tolerate on a daily basis. 

[flitzanu]

sorry, i'm with the "why does it matter" crowd.  it is her phone, and her data and property, it seems weird that you think that is being dishonest.  does she have access to your phone?  does she know your passwords and security features?  

i'm not misunderstanding your question or your concern, because you think it is suspicious behavior to have multiple ways to open things or secure things on her device and you see that as a sign that it is being locked away from YOU.

the phone is irrelevant, the issue is you are suspicious and believing she is doing something that you don't like or approve of. 

so the basis of your question, is it weird?  no, it's her phone.

now, if you said, "my girlfriend is out all hours of the night, locked in conversations on her phone and not paying attention to me, silencing phone calls, turning away from me to answer texts" or other behavior that would indicate an obvious intent to hide something from you, then yes, "it is weird"