do men feel more connected if they open up/show vulnerability?

[Stret]

On 11/5/2022 at 3:24 PM, Runninggirl said:

Not a spesific situation, but more a general question.

Based on my previous experiences with men in general, both those Ive been interested in, and not interested in, has been that the men that feel like they can open up and be vulnerable with me quickly catch feelings/gets hooked. 

Im not sure its love, but more that men are taught they have to be stoic and hard and not show too much emotion, that the relief of having someone to actually talk makes them feel connected and confuse this with infatuation. I more often experience this with guy friends, because Im more comfortable being open and honest with them than someone Im dating - where there are actual stakes, they reciprocate and open up, and they admit they are in love with me. 

I also had an ex boyfriend who broke up with me over text. I told him I wanted that talk done in real life. When we met up the relationship was already over, so it was much easier to be really open and honest about everything we should have talked about before. We ended up having a three hour conversation where he for the first time really just talked without feeling embarrassed or awkward, just admitted to all the things that he had felt throughout the relationship. He was the one who ended it, but when he left he was a complete mess. We cut off contact as one should, and he took it way harder after, regretted everything, missed me like crazy and felt so lonely without me. 

So Im curious about how you guys feel about this? 

And also, is volunerbility in women attractive?

As a woman I feel more connected to the guy, but I dont catch feelings for a guy friend just because I feel like I can open up, but maybe because I also have girlfriends to talk to? 

I can only mention that in my experience it doesn't really matter. What a person feels inside often doesn't show outside and the fact that someone has opened up to you and showed you their vulnerable side, doesn't mean they will change their feelings about you. It might only mean that they are used to opening up, that they might have grown up in the family where that is a normal thing. And vice versa. If they don't open up, it doesn't mean they don't feel less connected. I had the most connected relationship in my life purely on intuitive basis - 7 years that were actually nice and it never even crossed my mind that he might not love me. He did and I knew it, he felt connected and so did I, but neither of us ever really engaged in deep talks - we exchanged a few words about some things and that was enough. We knew. 

One thing though that I wanted to mention is to be careful to avoid trauma bonding (in the definition given to that concept by Nicole LePera). You might not have a connection, but trauma bond with someone...  and it leads to unhealthy relationships. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

 

One thing though that I wanted to mention is to be careful to avoid trauma bonding (in the definition given to that concept by Nicole LePera). You might not have a connection, but trauma bond with someone...  and it leads to unhealthy relationships. 

This 100%, I call it false intimacy... I agree it is very an unhealthy way to start a relationship but so many do it...feeding off each others misery from the past, it drains self worth/security. Relationships should start with joyfulness, excitement, stability.

[NuevoYorko]

I actually take some exception to you trying to put the failed relationships on your own lack of communication, while at the same time saying that you attract "avoidants."   

The thread you recently posted is an example of a situation that needed to be shut down quite a long time before you wrote about it here.  No amount of communication or "closeness" from you would have made that guy a good candidate for a relationship with you, simply because he was not invested enough.  Trying harder would have been a mistake.   You actually need to try less and learn how to read and understand the information you are getting so you can cut your losses.

Stop trying to overcomplicate things and be in the present with whatever man you are dating. 

 

[basil67]

I think your mistake is in thinking that the guys in general are stoic and don't show emotion.   Truth is, some men keep their feelings inside.  Some men have verbal diarrhoea and there's everything in between.   A guy who keeps his feelings in isn't going to change because you give him a safe place.  And the guy who overshares will overshare regardless of what you do.  

 

[poppyfields]

@Runninggirlin my experience, the dynamic in all my relationships has been different based on both our natures, how we communicate, how comfortable we are together, our particular chemistry and TRUST. 

Are we able to trust our innermost thoughts and feelings with this person and each other?   Do we feel safe doing so?

I have absolutely experienced a stoic man opening up with me whereas with prior girlfriends he did not. 

My husband is a perfect example.

Same for me.  I am an open person  by nature, but with certain men, I felt closed.  I shut down and ended the relationship.

In those instances, I did not trust them emotionally, I did not feel safe.  Nor did they with me most likely. 

That's how it goes typically, it takes two. Both of you.  You and him. Your dynamic.

What I've learned is if you seek change in your relationships, first change yourself. 

If you want men to open up then open up yourself.  NOT ad nauseum, it's always a balance, especially in early stages.

Feel it out and trust your intuition. 

Become the type of person you yourself would like to date. 

Personally, I dislike lumping people in boxes - once stoic, always stiic, once open, always open. 

We all have the capacity for change and to become better versions of ourselves (or worse versions) depending on the dynamic we have  created with our partners. 

It's takes TWO.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Runninggirl]

On 11/6/2022 at 6:10 AM, NuevoYorko said:

Wow.  They ALL did this? Sounds like you have a whole village full of lovesick ex boyfriends.  Why are you still single?  More importantly, why were you recently with a man who showed little interest in you?

Not a village. Still single because they all broke up for a reason. Its only three real relationships, and they all regretted it and came back. Two I didnt give the chance again, because to me the trust was broken. 

You ask a good question. I think I almost feel more comfortable with someone not liking me, than the ones that do. 

On 11/6/2022 at 12:52 PM, Wiseman2 said:

I'm not s fan of relationship postmortems or exit interviews.

The time to talk about what's going on is during the relationship, not after.

The reason is that if someone dumps you, their opinion is skewed and therefore useless and self-serving.

Dragging breakups out is not a good idea, especially if they use lines to keep someone in the FWB zone.

Basically people don't break up with someone they care about and then tell them after the fact that they love them more after the break up.

It simply makes no sense and at best seems manipulative and gratuitous.

Talk and listen freely during a relationship. Have you ever heard the adage about closing the barn door after the horses escaped? Well postmortem relationship discussions are that to a tee.

Just to clear up, these post break up convos where they confessed their regret was not of my choice. I would either meet them by accident and they would tell me, they would text and call me and so on. 

On 11/6/2022 at 4:22 PM, Weezy1973 said:

How many exes are we talking here? It seems unlikely that they’d all dump you, then talk to you about why, and then fall in love with you. So maybe you’re projecting a bit? Did you get back together with any of them after they fell in love with you because they told you why they dumped you?

Three. One of them I got back together with several times, I could never resist him when he came back, I really believed he meant it every time and I wanted it so badly to be true. 

On 11/6/2022 at 4:48 PM, poppyfields said:

@RunninggirlI think what's more likely is these men always loved you, but dumped you because they didn't feel safe opening up and talking to you. 

Perhaps they felt you would negatively judge or openly (or silently) criticize them for their vulnerable feelings.  

Or they weren't feeling anything back from.you. 

Once it was over, you then felt safer opening up and/or listening and by doing so, that is when they felt safer verbalizing their already existing feelings. 

Just a theory but something you might want to consider and explore.

 

You could definitely be onto something. I did feel safer opening up after the break up. I was somehow much better at expressing my feelings freely. I really have no idea how to "address the elephant in the room", or bring up and issue. I think during the relationship I would be so afraid they would leave that I would avoid it until it became the lack of communication would be the reason for the break up