My long term friend jealous of my new bf?

[Gaeta]

Hello all, 

I have a male friend of a few years. Him & I usually talk every day and we have a very open  exchange. We talk about the 'real stuff' of life, our struggles, our successes, our hopes and dreams. 

Him & I used to talk on the phone often and I usually don't sit during our conversation, there is just so many hours in a day so while we talk on the phone I cook, clean, run errands. For about a year now he's been telling me to purchase wireless earbuds because I will end our conversation short sometimes because I need my hands to be free of my phone. I still use wired earphones I find the sound is better and the batteries never die. 

So last month my new boyfriend noticed I was still functionning with old earphones so he bought me a set of wireless earbuds. The following day I took a picture of my new earbuds and sent it to my friend and told him looks like I have no choice now but to get with the program!

His reaction was....mind blowing! I thought he'd laugh and be happy that finally I won't have to cut our converstation short but his reaction was very agressive. His words were: I've told you for almost 2 years to get wireless earbuds and you did nothing but now that there's a new man in your life getting earbuds is a great idea???!

I've defended myself the best I could. I did not buy earbuds because I have a new man, these were a GIFT, it's not my doing. 

He ended our conversation with I'm gaslighting him and as far as he's concerned our conversation is over!

That happenned 3 weeks ago and not a peep out of him since. I did not try to contact him, I mean he was rude to me, but my daughter even my new bf think I should contact him and not let a friendship of 7 years end.

I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

Thanks!

[basil67]

I'm sorry this all exploded.   In my experience, long daily phone calls only exist in romantic relationships, so I reckon he had a thing for you and got jealous.  He's also likely realised that you and he will never be an item and walked away from it all.   If my guesses are correct, it's such a shame he ended it with a hissy fit instead of saying something like "I've grown to care for you.  I realise that I'm not the guy for you, so I need to walk away in order to move on"

Meanwhile, it's unusual that your new boyfriend didn't see this as a red flag.  Obviously, he sees that you have boundaries....but surely he must have found it odd. 

[Gaeta]

I think it's jealousy too. I was puzzled to hear the word 'gaslighthing' out of his mouth. 

He's used of listenning to my failed dating stories and than comes along my now bf who's been doing everything right and my friend probably knew our dynamic (him and l) was about to change a great deal. 

My bf thinks my friend is being territorial but not in a romantic way, he feels bad his coming into my life may have ended a long term friendship. I assure him he has no responsibility in this, some friendship have an expiration date. 

[BrinnM]

I think your BF is awesome. He got you a thoughtful gift, and he’s not jealous of your (ex-)friend. I like a man who is confident & knows his worth. He shows this by not restricting you, and even encouraging you to reach out to said friend. What a man! ❤️

As far as the friend, I’m sorry he acted that way. Not something we would expect from somebody who supposedly cares about us, and our happiness, right? I don’t want to bash him, but what he did was selfish and insensitive. He should be happy for you. Not jealous. And he acted like a jealous husband. Not cool.

Just like somebody else said above, I think he was hoping for more, and maybe he just realized that a certain ship has sailed. I’m sure he feels bad, and sad, and that’s why he lashed out. It was an emotional reaction, out of hurt, certainly, but I’m not sure if I would contact him again. Sure, a 7-year-friendship that was very close is not nothing, and usually worth saving, but dealing with people who are hurt and angry doesn’t usually result in the outcome we wish for, sadly. 
 

Sorry, @Gaeta  😍
 

 

[ShyViolet]

The response from your friend was unbelievably rude.  I wouldn't contact him.  If anything he owes you a big apology.  If he doesn't take it upon himself to contact you and profusely apologize, then you are better off without him.  No one needs friends like that. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think it's jealousy too. I was puzzled to hear the word 'gaslighthing' out of his mouth. 

Have a look around here at all the posters who say their ex or friend who whoever was gaslighting or narcissistic or BPD or whatever.  They are a dime a dozen.  Thing is, too many people are reading popular blogs and try to patholigise behaviour instead of looking at the basic issues.  Most commonly, things such as misunderstanding/having different needs/not clearly communicating/etc.   And in this case, it sounds like this guy had hopes and expectations of you which weren't communicated clearly so that you could deal with them in whatever way.

We can only guess why he reacted in the way he did, but even if he came with an apology and explanation, I would advise against giving him a second chance.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

The response from your friend was unbelievably rude.  I wouldn't contact him.  If anything he owes you a big apology.  If he doesn't take it upon himself to contact you and profusely apologize, then you are better off without him.  No one needs friends like that. 

I agree with all of the above. 

You had no need to defend yourself (and your new earbuds) to this person, but his reaction says everything you need to know. He's not a good friend anymore, and I would personally not make space for him in my life. 

[Alpacalia]

I have somewhat of a different take.

Your situation reminds me of giving a friend guidance.

An example would be akin to bringing up events from the past repeatedly. Your friend totally helps you out and offers/finds a solution. In response, you're like, "Okay, I'm fine." And then maybe a month later you bring up the same issue again. In response, your friend says, "We discussed this." "We talked about what you might do." And then you go relive it all over again.

Since she seems stuck, I don't know how else to help her. So what do I do? I don't want to seem insensitive and say, "Well, we discussed this a few times. This is what we discussed and here's a solution." I want her to know I am here for her, but it feels like she's trapped.

The same tire blows, the same ditch, the same pothole...

Sure, it's just earbuds. It might not actually be about the earbuds.

Your friend needed to believe you were on the right track. He doesn't have to change it. He does not have to fix it. Your friend needs to see you as a capable and strong person. That was his job. This may mean accepting your boyfriend's solution rather than his.

Friends come and go, they leave a mark. Once their role is complete, they leave our lives. People who belong in your life will be there. Enjoy yourself and your life while you have the people you love in it. 

Edited November 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

On 11/5/2022 at 12:54 PM, Gaeta said:

but my daughter even my new bf think I should contact him and not let a friendship of 7 years end.

I just want to add that I think it's really sad that your daughter and bf think you should put your self-respect on pause and run back to a person who treated you like garbage.  Very misguided advice there.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I just want to add that I think it's really sad that your daughter and bf think you should put your self-respect on pause and run back to a person who treated you like garbage.  Very misguided advice there.

My bf is new and  just knows l have a friend of many years that got upset over his gift. He's not going to tell me to block a friend that's been in my life many years before his arrival. 

I spoke to my daughter about it today and she changed her mind, She doesn't want l get in touch with him anymore. When it happenned she thought he had a knee jerk reaction and he'd apologize right away. 

Earlier this summer this friend and l had a fall out. I had told him To stop *mansplainnig me*. We did not speak for a couple of weeks. He was becoming very cocky with me and l didn't like it. I think our friendship was on the decline.

[Els]

On 11/6/2022 at 2:54 AM, Gaeta said:

Him & I used to talk on the phone often and I usually don't sit during our conversation, there is just so many hours in a day so while we talk on the phone I cook, clean, run errands. For about a year now he's been telling me to purchase wireless earbuds because I will end our conversation short sometimes because I need my hands to be free of my phone. I still use wired earphones I find the sound is better and the batteries never die. 

This 100% sounds to me like something that a romantic couple would do, so I can understand why he got mixed messages. Frankly I think that calling each other throughout the day every day like this is a way stronger "signal" than inviting someone to your house.

That being said, he was incredibly rude about it, and you're probably better with him out of your life, especially if you want to have a romantic relationship with someone else.

[Stret]

Not sure what is going on but one thing seems clear - this is not about earbuds. They are just a metaphor for something. So what else it might be about?

The reaction like this (he was a bit of a diva) can be about him being a beta orbiter, or it can go back to his parents and childhood. Was he the child that never got heard and listened, while a sibling was favourited? If I learned anything from all the psychology I read, it is that people's reactions of this kind often relate to trauma response, from something that shaped them early on, or something that happened in their lives. It can have very little to do with you. Was he lied to by many of his girlfriends, so that he learned people lie and everyone is BSing him (including you about something so irrelevant like earbuds)? 

Whatever it is about, he shouldn't have reacted like that and he owes you an apology. Boundaries between you two clearly don't exist and I see that as a problem too. Friends who talk all the time, every day are in an enmeshed relationship and that is never healthy. 

There is a good chance that your new bf is just trying to be cool. He might not really be alright with it. Even he can see that another man who is so omnipresent in your life has gotten mad in the style of some who has feelings... He might not have feelings, but it is the first thing everyone will think of. If your new bf doesn't see it that way, that can be a bad sign too. I my case it was that I was with someone who deep down didn't value the same things as I did, and was overly concerned at how he was perceived by others. It can be a sign that a guy is naïve, or unintuitive, or unaware of people's relationship psychology and will never be able to understand your inner life (really just trying to help you brainstorm, while relying on my experience and observation of people). 

 

[Alpacalia]

Is this the same male friend that set you up with that one man that was like "really hot?"

I agree with the comment about this friend of yours was a bit too enmeshed in your life.

Talking routinely with each other about struggles and fears are pretty heavy topics.

Edited November 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Is this the same male friend that set you up with that one man that was like "really hot?"

He set me up with one of his friends yes. A  friend acquaintance let's say.

Turns out that man lovebombed me then stood me up. My friend got mad and told him he will never disrespect him like this again and blocked him. So he made it about him...

Him and l text hello every day, spoke on the phone a few times a week. If him or l went through something difficult we spoke every day yes. 

He does not want a relationship, he has not been wanting one for years. He's happy with his fwb. I guess the closeness we all find in a romantic partner he finds in his friends. He told me often with no hesitation l was important to him and that he loved me (as a friend).

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

He set me up with one of his friends yes. A  friend acquaintance let's say.

Turns out that man lovebombed me then stood me up. My friend got mad and told him he will never disrespect him like this again and blocked him. So he made it about him...

Him and l text hello every day, spoke on the phone a few times a week. If him or l went through something difficult we spoke every day yes. 

He does not want a relationship, he has not been wanting one for years. He's happy with his fwb. I guess the closeness we all find in a romantic partner he finds in his friends. He told me often with no hesitation l was important to him and that he loved me (as a friend).

I'm not sure. No man who liked me romantically set me up with another guy. That doesn't mean your friend isn't romantically jealous. It's certainly possible. Sounds like he was on his period.

There needs to be certain barriers between yourself and male friends. The reason why I bring that up is because when you're there for someone and spend a lot of time with them, relaying problems with one another and opening up with one another, waters get murky.

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is step back from this friend and don't confide in him about your lovelife. Save that for trusted friends and family.

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is step back from this friend and don't confide in him about your lovelife. Save that for trusted friends and family.

I've learn to not share details of my love life with family. Family always take your side and never forget. They will hold on to little stuff you talked about 30 years ago. 

[glows]

It sounds like his outlet and source of emotional intimacy comes from his friendships and the daily talks are a source of that for him. Does he chat daily with other friends also (not just you)?

You found him cocky earlier this year. Arrogant, selfish, cocky and obnoxious may be this man’s whole mood - who he is. How can a friendship grow if he’s usually only thinking about himself?

I’d distance myself and if he messages you or calls as if nothing has happened just don’t respond or pick up. I think he used you as a verbal punching bag for whatever was going on in his life. He took the wireless earbuds too personally as an affront towards him because his view on friendships is unusual. I doubt this has anything to do with you.

[Gaeta]

@glows: He speaks to other friends but not as much. He always said l'm the only stable person in his life. 

I don't want to spread his personal life on here. 

Of course he was good to me before, l'd say he became less fun from when l met my bf. 

Before when l met men he would always find something negative to say, and l do recognize l dated weirdoes earlier this year but when l met my current boyfrend and my friend started putting stuff in my head like he's too nice, he gives to much, don't tell him anything about yourself, let him figure you out on his own, don't have sex for 6 months.....then l started wondering if he was trying to sabotage me. 

I don't intent on reviving our friendship. I'm not distressed about it. I think it has reached its expiration date.

[flitzanu]

as a guy that has tons of very close female nonromantic friends, this is weird, @Gaeta and i can't quite work out what angle your friend is coming from.  sure, i've been jealous of guys if i'm being a bit of an "orbiter" like, if i've said something for years that is ignored and suddenly some new guy says it and it is gospel, that's frustrating you know?  

BUT, that's not what it sounds like the way you described it.  he isn't sounding like an orbiter, so i wish i had better ideas of why.  i mean, he could have bought you some airpods if this were really about the airpods.

i'm probably against the grain a bit, i don't think you did anything wrong, though with such a timely friendship i don't think i'd just throww it away either.  just see if he reaches out again and see what he has to say before making a decision.  some people just have bad days, maybe his reaction wasn't actually about "you" and it was just a catalyst to throw him in a tizzy.

or...he's a lunatic and maybe the friendship does need to end.

 

[mark clemson]

On 11/5/2022 at 9:54 AM, Gaeta said:

His reaction was....mind blowing! I thought he'd laugh and be happy that finally I won't have to cut our converstation short but his reaction was very agressive. His words were: I've told you for almost 2 years to get wireless earbuds and you did nothing but now that there's a new man in your life getting earbuds is a great idea???!

 

..then l started wondering if he was trying to sabotage me.

Yeah, you getting the earbuds was clearly NOT the problem here.

I do think he was likely being an orbiter "friend" and trying to play the long game. It's also possible he didn't start as that, but eventually developed feelings for you, which certainly can also happen.

Now he sees you slipping away. He wasn't chosen, he's losing patience, and so jealousy is rearing its head. Since he isn't acknowledging his feelings for you (possibly not even to himself, although I wouldn't put money on that) it's coming out "sideways" in what you are seeing here.

Edited November 7, 2022 by mark clemson

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I don't intent on reviving our friendship. I'm not distressed about it. I think it has reached its expiration date.

While there certainly are friendships that reach their expiration date, I'd not jump to that conclusion in this situation based on what you've said. My perspective is that real friends are valuable and you shouldn't toss them away based on one mistake or hiccup.

I think the guy is feeling possessive and left out with the new boyfriend in your life. I'm not sure jealousy is the right word, not in the usual sense, and I don't necessarily think he has a thing for for you beyond the close friendship you've developed. I do think he was out of bounds with the comments he made, but I don't think it was unforgivable. I'm not advising one way or the other –– it's a decision that you have to make yourself. All I'm saying is don't do so lightly, due to one unfortunate reaction on his part. Give it some careful consideration and decide if it's necessary given the length of time you've been friends and the dedication he's demonstrated. Wishing you the best, I know it's not easy.

[Gaeta]

When l started dating my now bf he became distant and not reaching out to say hello. I inquired what was going on and he said he assumed l was spending my time with new bf and didn't want to be a bother. That's passive aggressive to me. I said bf and l have 2 dates a week l'm not the type to turn my life upside down for a new man...and he knows that. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I mean, I might point out to a friend that I had made a recommendation earlier. But there would be no anger in my voice. 

Frankly though, this "friend's" reaction sounds like the reaction of someone who is (despite denials) very attracted to you or in love with you. And therefore jealous and possessive. Some guys are really good at hiding (even from themselves) that they are in love with a friend.

About 15 years ago, I had a friend that sometimes I felt friendship feelings for and other times more than that. She had no attraction feelings.  I ultimately had to go NC with this friend. Lost a good friend, but gained a ton of sanity. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

When l started dating my now bf he became distant and not reaching out to say hello. I inquired what was going on and he said he assumed l was spending my time with new bf and didn't want to be a bother. That's passive aggressive to me. I said bf and l have 2 dates a week l'm not the type to turn my life upside down for a new man...and he knows that. 

It could also mean that he is trying to not interfere in your budding relationship.

My male friend from childhood tends to fall off the map too, either when I'm in a relationship or he's in one.

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by Alpacalia