My long term friend jealous of my new bf?

[poppyfields]

On 11/21/2022 at 6:57 AM, Gaeta said:

I replied to his 'good morning' that I expected more than a couple of words after the way he attacked my character by accusing me of gaslighting him to then disappearing 1 month. His good morning is not enough. I added him and I may have different communication styles and may not agree on certain topics but him looking down on me and questioning my character like he did wasn't warranted. 

Gaeta, my take on this is his "good morning" text was a 'feeler' text after a period of NC, a way to feel the situation out and get a sense of where your head was at before diving into a discussion about what went down between you prior. 

To be fair, your response above was a bit of an attack on him, at least that is how HE most likely interpreted it. 

This told him you're still angry and that it's probably best he continue laying low, he didn't want to deal with it.

Hence his curt reply. 

I won't judge you for your response but after a long period of NC, good friends don't typically respond to a gesture to reconnect (which is what he was attempting to do with his 'good morning' text imo) with a lecture on how and what they "shouid" have messaged and that what they did text did not meet your expectations.

TBH, it sounded like a mother scolding her son. 

I'm sorry to say but if I were the recipient of that type of response from a friend after reaching out trying to break the ice and reconnect, I might be pulling back too. 

This friendship is done G, it's just not how good friends treat each other.  Goes both ways. 

We attempt to understand (or try to) and forgive each other after inadvertently hurting each other, without harsh judgment.  

Who knows why he initially reacted the way he did?   Maybe he's secretly in love with you and he felt jealous and hurt.

You may not ever find out, again I think this friendship is most likely over and done, sadly. 

I'm sorry. 

 

Edited November 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

@poppyfields: You are right and making a good point but if I had hurt my friend's feeling and wanted to reach out, I would not 'feel' him with a good morning, I would say 'good morning, can we talk about what happened'?, Sometimes when you <feel> things you get bit and I bit him because the words he told me were very very disrespectful and hurtful and I have not calm down yet. 

This friend brags all the time about being an amazing communicator, how he's trained in psychology, can you tell what an amazing communicator he is? me neither. 

I waited 3 days to reply to his good morning. Enough time for him to add a little something like let's talk. 

You're right, that's not how real friends treat each other, it's not the first time he's rude with me 'mansplaining', telling me I'm a bad communicator, blah blah. I have my limits being pushed around. 

[Stret]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

but if I had hurt my friend's feeling and wanted to reach out, I would not 'feel' him with a good morning, I would say 'good morning, can we talk about what happened'?,

But this is you, and what you would do. People are different.

Three days of not hearing back from you and wanting yet another message - I don't get this part either. His style is different than yours, and this might have been his way of trying to open up the communication and apologize. 

He just told you he was ill and had difficulty breathing and all you could think is "oh my God, he hasn't told me what I expected him to tell me". Think about it. He might have not had mental energy to engage is anything that can stress him out and make his breathing situation worse. Aren't you concerned about him at least a bit? I would be and would forget about teenage fight we had and ask him if he were ok and if he needed anything - but that's just me. 

[IrinaM]

Gaeta I also kinda think you're expecting a little too much from your friend. He doesn't seem like he has a high level of emotional intelligence or self-awareness, and that's not likely to develop at 50+. It's just who he is. He's jealous but unaware that he's jealous. He wants to make up with you without apologizing or re-hashing the topic. None of this should be surprising, as this is also the same man who enjoys having a fwb for sex while experiencing emotional closeness only within a platonic relationship. Doesn't speak to much maturity. And that's okay, he still might be a good friend, but you need to accept him for who he is.

I'm going to throw this out there--is there maybe some small part of you that knew he would have this nuclear reaction when you texted him the photo of your new earbuds?

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

I'm going to throw this out there--is there maybe some small part of you that knew he would have this nuclear reaction when you texted him the photo of your new earbuds?

I think you are right about his level of emotional maturity. I joked once that he must be on the spectrum, he's book smart but he seems unanle to relate to people's feelings.

Concerning the earbuds: No, l did not expect this reaction at all, l thought he'd laugh and say *finally* 

[glows]

You gave him a few chances and he just isn’t levelling with you. I do think you’ve both grown apart. 

[Wiseman2]

If you feel friends and family consistently "rain on your parade", it may be best to not discuss your dating life as much with them.

[Alpacalia]

If you feel that he lacks emotional maturity and that he is insensitive of how you feel about this matter, then there is probably little point in continuing the discussion with him further. It doesn't sound like you respect him much. Let your friendship end.

I don't see the point in dissecting him. Considering he just told you he is ill and is having breathing problems.

Edited November 24, 2022 by Alpacalia