glows Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 22 hours ago, llorona79 said: I am not in denial, I can own my own part in this. I know he needs to get out of the affair fog and that it won’t work out unless he deals with his own issues and shows remorse. I’m puzzled why it’s so hard to work through an “affair fog”. Doesn’t he realize what he has at home? (You) Does he have any idea about what this has caused or is it repeatedly all about him and his personal problems? The problem is he’s hasn’t cared that much about the marriage or you. How much of this are you going to excuse due to mental health issues or depression? His issue may be with you and a marriage that isn’t working. Please do get checked for STDs and see a lawyer in private so that you have the information you need should you decide to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 On 11/6/2022 at 8:54 PM, llorona79 said: This is the second affair that I have discovered in 5 years. The last one we reconciled and I thought we were doing well, but he told me on our 9th anniversary date that he was having another affair and this time is “real”. The funny thing is that he is using the exact same language to describe this woman that he used to describe the last (soul mate, never loved me, blah, blah, blah…). The only difference this time is that he is being colder and meaner towards me than last time. I can own my part and acknowledge that I contributed by not being vulnerable, but this one hurts more. I’m sure we will get through it, but he is refusing to cut contact with her. Just needed to vent. Cold and mean? So let me get this straight. He cheats on you and then has the bloody nerve to emotionally and verbally abuse you for something he’s doing wrong? why are you putting up with that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 On 11/7/2022 at 10:38 AM, Will am I said: I didn’t read anything about him asking for a divorce. Whatever he is trying to do in regard to his marriage, I think it’s not viable. If he’s smart, he’s getting out. If she’s smart, she’s kicking him out. If he’s smart, he’ll admit to himself that being a one woman man may not be a good fit for him. He’ll also do some soul searching into why he thought it was a-okay to be so cruel to the op. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 (edited) OP, you are essentially playing what we would call “the pick me dance.” You are being the dutiful wife - waiting around for your husband to fall out of love with his affair partner and “pick you.” The challenge is that while he has apparently told you that he really wants to pick you/your marriage, he’s still having a hard time doing that. So, here you are - waiting dutifully, making excuses for him including the fact that he’s depressed and that he just needs more time for the affair fog to lift such that his affair will fizzle out… There is a poster on this board who has not yet chimed in who tried to save her marriage with her serial cheat of a husband because they had children and what she thought was a good life together - she has shared many times, she found herself sitting on the bathroom floor one day with a bottle of pills. Don’t stay such that you find yourself in a similar position. Forgive us, because while we share your assertion that marriage is something worth fighting for - keeping your marriage should not come at the expense of your self respect and mental health. Edited November 10, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted November 11, 2022 Share Posted November 11, 2022 (edited) OP, do you realise he might be saying the same thing to his AP, that she’s the one he wants to be with, but this depression is stifling his ability to act and leave you? Keeping you both in play, telling each of you what he thinks you want to hear, to buy him more time before he needs to “choose” - and hoping that that decision gets made for him by time and fate…? Yes, depression kills agency - and hopefully he’s getting treated for his - but sometimes it’s reactive. It sounds to me like he’s stuck in a situation he doesn’t know how to resolve and that is keeping him stuck in his depression. You can wait it out and hope that this affair resolves, like the last one, and like the next one will eventually do too. It may, or it may not. How many years, decades and affairs are you prepared to wait through to find out? Edited November 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted November 11, 2022 Share Posted November 11, 2022 Do you have kids? Is he the earner? Is that why you're afraid to leave him? The guy's not even remorseful for being involved with someone else. They probably talk about you behind your back, he tells her how miserable he is and how much he can't wait to be with her. That would make me sick to my stomach. I wouldn't sleep nor eat and I'd make him move out of the house immediately if he wasn't remorseful and at the VERY LEAST go complete no contact with her. Otherwise you have nothing to work on or any place to work from. He's not willing to give her up, you're going to have to grow a sack and kick him out if you want him to take you seriously! Fool me once, and all of that... a second affair is most definitely a dealbreaker unless you're willing to live your life as a shell of yourself, learning how to be just one compartment for your H in his family life. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 11, 2022 Share Posted November 11, 2022 2 hours ago, Allupinnit said: a dealbreaker unless you're willing to live your life as a shell of yourself, learning how to be just one compartment for your H in his family life. This^OP you might want to look up a thread by the Username Edith and see what life is like living this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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