Ex interested again or leading me on/'breadcrumbing' me?

[synergy226]

Hi everyone. I'm sure most people on this forum are pretty familiar with the "stages of a breakup" for the dumper and dumpee as well as "stages of dumpers remorse".

Background information: I'm the dumpee. My ex-fiancé broke up with me back in June, 5 months ago. Things were pretty rocky between us the few months leading up to the breakup...we were fighting a lot and work and home life were pretty stressful the few of months prior. Despite that being the case, I was still shocked and blindsided by the breakup due to the fact that he had called off an entire engagement and that he was still telling me how much he loved me just earlier that morning. We had/have a dog together as well as several things under both our names so while no contact would have been best, we chose to stay in limited contact for those "binding" things. He definitely went through the typical stages for a dumper. I moved out soon after the breakup and he started off in his "relief" stage and was already flirting and talking to a girl that he works with just days after we ended, he went through the stage of elation/happiness soon after and was working out, being the "new and improved him" without a care in the world for me. He turned extremely cruel and mean towards me the moment we broke up. Extremely cold and distant. Months passed and he finally seemed to "neutral out". He no longer seemed to hold so much anger and hatred towards me. It wasn't until recently, the lease for his apartment finally ended and I still had some things there that I had to get, that we finally had some time alone. I met up with him at the apartment and after packing everything up, we caught up. He actually seemed friendly and warm. He opened up about some struggles he has been going through in his personal life and even told me he hasn't been that happy. I assume things with his "rebounds" didn't pan out the way he hoped either. He didn't ask me about my love life at all but I did tell him about my work, family, etc. He had to travel out of state for a work trip soon after moving out of that apartment. Throughout the past week, he has texted me almost everyday. Nothing major but he would send me small updates throughout his day such as him letting me know he had boarded his plane, a photo of what he was eating for lunch, photo of his hotel room view, his daily schedule, etc. When he sent me a photo of the pizza he had for lunch, he even mentioned it wasn't as yummy as the pizza we had in New York(nostalgia?). He hasn't said anything in terms of missing me, wanting to be with me again, etc....but I'm wondering why is he being so warm and friendly with me suddenly? Is he trying to be friends all of the sudden? Or is this a renewed romantic interest and could possibly lead to reconciliation? I try to match his energy but I also don't want to get my hopes up. From him being a complete a**h*** to me to this is a big shift....So I'm a bit confused.

 

I also want to add that we did get into a bit of a disagreement today over something completely unrelated to us. We both got pretty heated and he ended up saying "We were doing so well until this. Guess we are back to leave me alone days. Good stuff." to me....Does this show that he's bothered we're gonna go back to how we were before and not be as close anymore?

[glows]

What were all the old disagreements about? 

What was this recent disagreement about?

He sounds lonely to me and you’re someone familiar. It happens. It doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to be with you again.

Without coming to any resolution on what broke you both apart you’re likely to keep repeating the same patterns like what you see here - heated arguments.

Since you haven’t said much about what your original problems were, the relationship has a lot of question marks and sounds very dubious.

Edited November 7, 2022 by glows

[synergy226]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

What were all the old disagreements about? 

What was this recent disagreement about?

He sounds lonely to me and you’re someone familiar. It happens. It doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to be with you again.

Without coming to any resolution on what broke you both apart you’re likely to keep repeating the same patterns like what you see here - heated arguments.

Since you haven’t said much about what your original problems were, the relationship has a lot of question marks and sounds very dubious.

The old disagreements were honestly just senseless fights and bickering at home due to stress and exhaustion. He'd work long hours and I would resent him for it over time and it would cause nagging and frustration, etc.

The recent disagreement today was over our dog and the vet we take him to. We had a slight disagreement over something regarding that and he started giving me attitude and that's when I put my foot down and told him he wasn't allowed to walk all over me anymore (I was extremely submissive and passive the first couple of months following the breakup because I was hoping he would take me back so I let him treat me poorly) but I confronted him this time and it turned into a fight over his attitude. Now we're distant again.

[La.Primavera]

I agree with the previous poster who also thought that he was reaching out because he is lonely.  Perhaps, like you considered, things didn't work out with the other prospects, which would explain the timing.  I know that's not the most romantic answer, but it seems plausible.

You might be feeling a bit disappointed about the fight, but honestly, I think it was actually a really good thing.  You stood up for yourself and made it clear how you have become more assertive in the past few months.  It might have felt easier to just agree with him and keep him happy in order to "win" him back.  If he had any ideas about picking up where he left off, he was given a wakeup call.  Good.  These are the things both of you would need to think about before entertaining the idea of reconciling anyway.  Have things changed too much to go back or are all the old problems and resentments still there.

I'm not really seeing what he has to offer you though, especially after he ended the engagement.  Not sure I could trust a man after that.  Would you find it possible to let that go? I'd just be very careful allowing him to get that close to you again.

[synergy226]

21 minutes ago, La.Primavera said:

I agree with the previous poster who also thought that he was reaching out because he is lonely.  Perhaps, like you considered, things didn't work out with the other prospects, which would explain the timing.  I know that's not the most romantic answer, but it seems plausible.

You might be feeling a bit disappointed about the fight, but honestly, I think it was actually a really good thing.  You stood up for yourself and made it clear how you have become more assertive in the past few months.  It might have felt easier to just agree with him and keep him happy in order to "win" him back.  If he had any ideas about picking up where he left off, he was given a wakeup call.  Good.  These are the things both of you would need to think about before entertaining the idea of reconciling anyway.  Have things changed too much to go back or are all the old problems and resentments still there.

I'm not really seeing what he has to offer you though, especially after he ended the engagement.  Not sure I could trust a man after that.  Would you find it possible to let that go? I'd just be very careful allowing him to get that close to you again.

I guess my question is, do you feel he is intentionally trying to lead me on and how should I proceed with him? Distance myself and go cold?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, synergy226 said:

I guess my question is, do you feel he is intentionally trying to lead me on and how should I proceed with him? Distance myself and go cold?

No, I think he got dumped by his new girlfriend and is trying to see if you'll lick his wounds until he meets the next woman he wants to date. 

I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but this is absolutely not someone you should even consider reconciling with. I think he and this other woman had something going before he dumped you, and when he was available to actually date her, it didn't go as expected. Think about what that says about his commitment to you - it was long gone. This is a man who was already checking out of your relationship. The other woman was a symptom of that, but not the actual problem. His heart and mind haven't been with you for a long time

So yes, you need to distance yourself and let him go. He had no problem letting an entire engagement go, so I would take that as your sign that there is just no future here and he won't stick around even if you try to date again. Work on healing, so you can one day meet a man who would cherishes you enough not to call off a marriage for someone else. This one just isn't that man for you. Don't let yourself learn that the hard way. 

Edited November 7, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Alpacalia]

While I am not certain what transpired between you, it seems as if he harbors a great deal of animosity toward you.

Ultimately, you need to remember the fact that he broke up with you and you're still feeling the effects of the consequences of that breakup. That puts you in a very precarious position because he can easily use that to his advantage.

If he broke up with you, grieve his loss. Give yourself as much time as you need. Then realize that you ought to be with someone who appreciates you and communicates with you.

It serves no benefit to replay the relationship of what went wrong. Trust me, I am well versed in the replay. Once you have healed, you’ll see that he wasn’t right for you anyway and you will be happier that it ended so you CAN find a partner who is reciprocal in his love and adoration for you.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, synergy226 said:

I guess my question is, do you feel he is intentionally trying to lead me on and how should I proceed with him? Distance myself and go cold?

Sorry this happened. Have you severed all ties now? 

Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. Lonely, dry spell, just got dumped, wants easy sex.

If he wanted to reconcile, it would be crystal clear, but why would you want to be with someone you don't get along with?

The best way to put this in the past is to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Set yourself free from false hope and hanging on a corpse. 

Have fun. Go out on dates. Meet new people. Enjoy your life again without the drudgery of playing house.

[stillafool]

He wasn't in a rebound relationship with the other girl.  Rebounds happen to the dumpee not the one doing the dumping.  I think at this point it sounds like he's just being friendly and since you're not pestering him about anything why not be friendly.  If he were interested in you romantically he would have given you and indication of that by trying to kiss you, asking you out or come right out and saying he made a mistake by breaking up.  The fact that you speak about having "alone time" with him says you aren't over him yet.  He should be blocked so you can heal.  It's rather odd to share a dog with someone who has broken up with you.  Why didn't you just ask him for the dog?  If he's the one calling for the break up you at least deserve to have the dog.  Any other items at his apartment should have been collected by you when you left.  How is sharing the dog going to work when he and a girl move in together?  Please don't get your hopes up because it's very doubtful he's going to want you back.  You need to start accepting that fact and go no contact.

[synergy226]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

He wasn't in a rebound relationship with the other girl.  Rebounds happen to the dumpee not the one doing the dumping.  I think at this point it sounds like he's just being friendly and since you're not pestering him about anything why not be friendly.  If he were interested in you romantically he would have given you and indication of that by trying to kiss you, asking you out or come right out and saying he made a mistake by breaking up.  The fact that you speak about having "alone time" with him says you aren't over him yet.  He should be blocked so you can heal.  It's rather odd to share a dog with someone who has broken up with you.  Why didn't you just ask him for the dog?  If he's the one calling for the break up you at least deserve to have the dog.  Any other items at his apartment should have been collected by you when you left.  How is sharing the dog going to work when he and a girl move in together?  Please don't get your hopes up because it's very doubtful he's going to want you back.  You need to start accepting that fact and go no contact.

I'm still under his health insurance and I'm co-signed under several things. After our fight yesterday, I remained cold and stayed away he ended up texting me youtube videos to watch tonight. The thing is, he's not the type to string someone along so this is all very confusing. There is a Christmas lights event he got us tickets to before our breakup and it's for this Friday and he still asked me to go with him. He claims it's "because he already paid for it and the tickets weren't cheap"....

[NuevoYorko]

12 hours ago, synergy226 said:

I guess my question is, do you feel he is intentionally trying to lead me on and how should I proceed with him? Distance myself and go cold?

 

Why would he intentionally try to lead you on.  That would not make any sense.  It seems like you'd get back with him if he wanted that.   Do you think he's just a malicious person?  

[synergy226]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

Why would he intentionally try to lead you on.  That would not make any sense.  It seems like you'd get back with him if he wanted that.   Do you think he's just a malicious person?  

Dumpers lead dumpees on all the time...in case nothing else works out for them, they keep the dumpee as a back up option.

[NuevoYorko]

1 minute ago, synergy226 said:

Dumpers lead dumpees on all the time...in case nothing else works out for them, they keep the dumpee as a back up option.

I don't know where you got all of this info on the dumping stages etc. but I think you're taking it to heart a bit too much.

You've known each other for a long time.  He probably felt lonely like others have been saying.  Also he might miss you. Why not.  You had good times, right?  It doesn't mean he wants to get back together.  If he wants that, he'd make it happen, since clearly you'd agree.   Neither does it mean that he's trying to play cruel games because he's just an evil  Machiavellian  person.  

Even though he broke up with you,  a broken engagement is a lot to process for most anyone.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry to tell you but if you two can't figure out what each other means at this point, you are NOT--definitely NOT--in any way compatible.

Take the opportunity to move on. You will know you're in a good relationship because among many other things, you will at least know what the other person means and feels even if you are confused about it. 

[glows]

On 11/6/2022 at 8:49 PM, synergy226 said:

The old disagreements were honestly just senseless fights and bickering at home due to stress and exhaustion. He'd work long hours and I would resent him for it over time and it would cause nagging and frustration, etc.

The recent disagreement today was over our dog and the vet we take him to. We had a slight disagreement over something regarding that and he started giving me attitude and that's when I put my foot down and told him he wasn't allowed to walk all over me anymore (I was extremely submissive and passive the first couple of months following the breakup because I was hoping he would take me back so I let him treat me poorly) but I confronted him this time and it turned into a fight over his attitude. Now we're distant again.

He gave you attitude or took advantage of your good graces at the start and walked all over you, in your own words. Then he ended the engagement dumping you, you had to leave your shared home and now you’re wondering if he’s toying with you? This man is not good news. At all. 

Anytime you feel uneasy, lean into those instincts. They’ve been warning you since the beginning. I’d also make a note here that changing old dynamics is hard and it takes two.

This was supposed to be a reconciliation of sorts not a merry go round/repeat of the same issues. He doesn’t seem to have any clue nor show any interest or even an awareness of how you feel disrespected. You found your self-respect but it’s not being met on the other side. This is too one-sided. The communication seems very poor from beginning to end and even now. You’re both not communicating what your needs are or if you are, not being respected on either side.

The problems keep recurring like this because there isn’t enough respect for one another or understanding. 

Edited November 8, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, synergy226 said:

The thing is, he's not the type to string someone along so this is all very confusing.

I imagine you also didn't think he was the type to dump you for someone else either. And not the type to call off an engagement and then be a royal jerk to you after. 

But here you are. He is that type. I am quite astonished you're even talking to him, let alone thinking of reconciling. You are going to get hurt all over again. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, synergy226 said:

I'm still under his health insurance and I'm co-signed under several things. 

Can you get your own health insurance? What other things are still shared and why?

[synergy226]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you get your own health insurance? What other things are still shared and why?

My current job does not have health insurance but I did recently get a job offer that does have it and for some reason, he was against me switching...He kept telling me I'm fine under his insurance and that I'm already covered so no need to have my own which is confusing.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, synergy226 said:

My current job does not have health insurance but I did recently get a job offer that does have it and for some reason, he was against me switching...He kept telling me I'm fine under his insurance and that I'm already covered so no need to have my own which is confusing.

Why do you listen to him?  Who cares if he's against you switching, don't you want to be independent?  Make your own decisions.

[ShyViolet]

On 11/8/2022 at 2:22 PM, synergy226 said:

My current job does not have health insurance but I did recently get a job offer that does have it and for some reason, he was against me switching...He kept telling me I'm fine under his insurance and that I'm already covered so no need to have my own which is confusing.

It's not "confusing", you are an adult and he shouldn't be making these decisions for you.

It's time for you to get out of this unhealthy limbo where you are letting the bad dynamic of this relationship repeat itself over and over.  All these entanglements that you still have to him are just excuses.  These are not reasons to stay involved with him.  Make a plan to get off his health insurance as soon as you can.  And it's time for one person to take full responsibility for the dog.  You should not be sharing a dog with an ex boyfriend.  Either you keep the dog or he keep the dog.  And then if the other person wants a dog, get another one.  The shelters are full of dogs desperate for homes.  It's way past time to move on and cut off these lingering ties with him.

 

[stillafool]

I hope you aren't using the dog, health insurance and his breadcrumbs as an excuse to try to stay next to him in hopes he will take you back and marry you.  He would have said so by now if he had those intentions.  There's nothing at all keeping him from getting back with you except himself.   Continuing to try to hang on to him is going to set you up for unbelievable pain when he moves on to another girl.

[glows]

On 11/8/2022 at 11:22 AM, synergy226 said:

My current job does not have health insurance but I did recently get a job offer that does have it and for some reason, he was against me switching...He kept telling me I'm fine under his insurance and that I'm already covered so no need to have my own which is confusing.

Arrange for your own insurance. Never in my life depended on a partner’s insurance. I know you’re still in love with him or have feelings. This is different. Take care of yourself.

[mark clemson]

On 11/6/2022 at 8:19 PM, synergy226 said:

 He turned extremely cruel and mean towards me the moment we broke up. Extremely cold and distant. Months passed and he finally seemed to "neutral out". He no longer seemed to hold so much anger and hatred towards me.

...but I'm wondering why is he being so warm and friendly with me suddenly? Is he trying to be friends all of the sudden? Or is this a renewed romantic interest and could possibly lead to reconciliation? I try to match his energy but I also don't want to get my hopes up.

From him being a complete a**h*** to me to this is a big shift....So I'm a bit confused.

Some people make you "the bad guy" when they break up. It tends to be (but isn't always) an unconscious "defense mechanism" - there's nothing wrong with me, you must be bad. That accounts for all the problems, etc. 

Unless there are very valid alternate reasons for his behavior (such as drug dependence or mental illness), that's a red flag that he's not going to make a good partner. (And those other things are red flags too.) It seems to me that by becoming his shoulder to lean on during lonely times you MIGHT get him back. You might also end up an "orbiter" instead - liking him, but essentially friendzoned.

IMO the REAL question is SHOULD you want him back. You should probably ask yourself why you're willing to accept someone who turns on you and dishes out emotional abuse when the relationship ends, instead of breaking up with reasonable maturity and aplomb.

Only you can decide what to do here, but it very much sounds like he needs therapy before he can become a safe partner. You might consider therapy too to explore what makes you take back a partner like this when presumably there are alternatives available if/when you start looking to date.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/8/2022 at 2:22 PM, synergy226 said:

I did recently get a job offer that does have it and for some reason, he was against me switching...

Ok then you have to communicate for this reason. It's not "breadcrumbs". It would be wise to place your healthcare insurance in your own hands in the event he discontinues it suddenly and you get ill before a new insurance is in effect. An ex should not control major or important areas of your life. It doesn't matter what he wants. 

[LynneVicious]

On 11/7/2022 at 1:05 AM, synergy226 said:

I guess my question is, do you feel he is intentionally trying to lead me on and how should I proceed with him? Distance myself and go cold?

I would not make any assumptions at all. There could be many reasons why he’s reaching out again and being nice. You mentioned you let him walk all over you in the past. Sounds like he’s used to getting his way and he has the power in the relationship. 

I would thrust ask him why he’s talking to you again. He may have an answer of “just trying to be nice”. Whatever you do, don’t assume he is interested in you romantically. You’ve had several months to hell you heal and move on from the relationship. Don’t destroy that with hopium.