I can't stop skipping school or being absent

[Tidesurfer]

Hey there, so uh for context I am currently in year 10 and I go to school in Australia where stuff like this is taken very seriously. I really don’t know where to talk about this or who to turn to because my mum is already sick of me and my attendance and my dad would whoop my ass if he knew. 
 

I have an attendance now of what I’m guessing is 30%? Every week this year I have had at least one day off from school maybe two or three. I’ve seldomly gone for a whole week and if I do I go home half way through the day on the excuse that I am sick. I have bad health and often get stomach aches and or cramps where I cannot move or barely walk, and my mum has taken me to the doctors heaps of times and they can never find out what is wrong with me. I have had in the past severe depression and anxiety and recently it has built up again so doctors suspect I have been getting abdominal migraines because of my anxiety, which as one could guess doesn’t do good for my already declining attendance.

Everyday that I wake I constantly have a battle with myself about whether or not I should go to school or stay I get frustrated at myself for even thinking about it. I often message my mum in the morning an hour before my school starts asking if I can stay the day for varying excuses, sometimes it’s my stomach being sore, I feel nauseous, I injured my foot, my mental health is bad, or even that I’ve got a cold or my period cramps really hurt. When in reality I’m fine, I feel nothing and I’m not actually sick. 
 

I have been skipping like this for 3-4 years now, since I started high school, first it started with actual reason, that being my depression and anxiety being so bad I couldn’t do anything and I was so insecure I didn’t want to go, then after a while my anxiety and depression cleared up a bit because I was put on medication, so the excuses still revolved around that but it wasn’t the truth. And now I just make up excuses left and right to get out of it.

To be honest there isn’t one particular reason I don’t want to go there is a few. My anxiety (not so much depression) has really come back full swing, I think because I only have 2 more years before I graduate and I think it’s getting to me, another reason is because I don’t particularly like the people at my school, it is filled with airheaded and obnoxious people and who smoke a bunch and pick on people who are different for what ever reason, if you know Australian slang you’d probably know them as mullet wearing “eshays”, and another reason probably being that I have done it so long and so much I can’t break the habit.

As I’m typing this I am again staying home, I had an internal battle with myself whether or not I should go, I even made a list of all the pros and cons and yet I stayed home again. My mum had recently started working again so as she is away working as I am here laying in bed and typing this out. Of course I’m shitting myself because she comes back at 1:00 pm and she’ll see I’m here, I want to lie to her and tell I did in fact go to school, that I just went home sick at recesses or something, but the more I think about it the more I think I’m a shitty daughter for even doing it in the first place let alone lying to her about it.

Every-time I ask to stay home I see that she dies a little on the inside, sometimes she even tells me how miserable it makes her to see my text at 7:10 in the morning asking her if I can stay. She says I still get good grades and that’s why she allows it, but only some of my classes are great, at best I’m a C so I don’t know why she allows it. But yet, even knowing how she feels about my absences I still chose to stay home again, even after spending yesterday at home as well. 

God, I hate myself for it every time. And it’s not like I know I can get away with it either. Like  I said before my school is very strict, they are constantly sending out emails and letters to my mum about my poor attendance, and if you don’t text the office that you are sick and not coming they will send a letter to the parent asking where the kid and why they aren’t at school, and I know that is what’s going to happen today as obviously she doesn’t even know I’m at home.

I want to tell her the truth but I don’t want her to be more stressed out than she already is, even though ironically she would find out eventually be stressed anyways. But even so I cannot stop, I don’t know why I want to stay all the time, why I have so little regard for my mums feelings and my work ethic. I don’t know if I’m addicted, if there is something mentally wrong with me or I just lack impulse control. 
 

I need advice, I need someone to please tell me how to cope or try or even just let me know why I feel the way I do. Because everyday I do it the more I disappoint her and myself and I can’t keep living my life like this. I have to graduate year twelve with I think at least 70% and above attendance over the two years to be able to graduate I don’t know how I’ll manage if this is how I go about it. I feel like such a shitty person and daughter and I don’t know what to do. I have no one else to turn to.

 

please be honest with me, I need help and fast. I just needed to get this off my chest.

[Alpacalia]

Maybe try a different school?

I attend higher education (late career move) and I look forward to going now that my class and work load is manageable and I enjoy the people I have class with. Studying overwhelms me at times but it's really the stuff afterwards that I don't feel like doing. Like today, I am pushing myself to go back out in the pouring rain and get to exercise class.

The thing is, the more you skip the more you fall behind so you're really just doing yourself a disservice. Especially if you have plans to attend college after high school.

Are you receiving treatment for the depression/anxiety?

 

[basil67]

Ah yes, I remember those stress induced stomach pains from school very well.   It's horrible, and I understand you taking time away.    However, you need to talk with someone.  Thing is, the longer this goes on, the worse it gets.   

Given that your mum is aware of your absences (via the absentee notices), I'm not sure why she hasn't got you back with a counsellor or psychologist to work though and try to find answers to the issues which aren't working for you.   Regardless, I think you need to talk with her and ask her for help.   If you're being honest with her and asking for support, I very much doubt she'd be mad.  Or at least, not mad for very long.  

I'm Australian too. You sound like you're in the public school system, so can you speak with the Head Teacher Welfare?  Or Deputy Principal?  Or School Counsellor?  Perhaps together with your mum, they can support you to find the help you need?

@Alpacalia's idea of a new school might help too.  A fresh start can be so very helpful.  One thing to be careful of is that if you're outside their catchment area, they may not have space for you.  Perhaps your mum could afford for you to try a low cost Catholic school in your area?   I don't know what your religion is, but they do take students from diverse religious (and non religious) backgrounds.    Alternately, maybe you could look at TAFE and do your HSC in an adult learning environment?

May I ask if your dad is part of your life?  

 

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by basil67

[Tidesurfer]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Alternately, maybe you could look at TAFE and do your HSC in an adult learning environment?

May I ask if your dad is part of your life?

1) I wanted to do TAFE when I was looking at my subject selection for next year but I couldn’t find a place that interested me because everything was for like plumbing and construction and not sometime art related, I did end up picking a certificate.

2) I don’t know if moving is the right option for me either, like I mean I could but I only have two years left at this school ( and yes it’s public) I feel it would be a waste, especially as I have already chosen the subjects. They are all subjects I absolutely adore unlike the ones I have now so I was considering just riding it out and see how it goes.

3) and yeah my dad is in my life, but he’s one of those narcissistic, everything has to perfect military guys and I usually avoid him cause he’s a drab. And he doesn’t understand how to deal with issues, his first solution is to be angry at everything, so I can’t really tell him anything and my mum doesn’t either.

 

Thanks so much for responding, even @Alpacalia, I appreciate it. She’s going to come home soon and I don’t even know how to go about it either, do I upfront say I didn’t go or do I lie first and then like later tell the truth. Man I am panicking, guess that’s on me though lol

[basil67]

Sorry to hear your dad isn't going to be helpful

Perhaps next year when you have subjects you love, you'll be happier about school?  As I said, if you talk to your mum and present this as something you need help with (counsellor or psychologist), I would expect she will be far more compassionate than if you were rude or refusing to cooperate.

 

Edited November 8, 2022 by basil67

[glows]

Sadly I think your mother has been enabling this for awhile and hasn’t told you that not going to classes is not a choice. You’ve been manipulating her so why not just tell yourself you don’t have a choice and go? 

I’d encourage you to stop with the excuses and lies (those lies you tell your mum are lies you also tell yourself). And you ultimately end up hurting yourself. All that internal conflict causes the anxiety you feel. 

You’re a C average not failing and seem to love your courses so just go for it. Put your whole heart into your studies and doing better for yourself in your remaining two years and don’t look back. Look forwards to the rest of your future knowing you did your best.

When you feel overwhelmed, think about your longer term goals and forget the lousy crowds at school (empathize with you here as I saw my fair share). In a short handful of years you’ll likely see huge disparities in lifestyle and choices. You go on and make your own choices and be proud of who you are and anything you’ve accomplished. As long as you’re doing it wholeheartedly and not lying to yourself, those conflicts and anxieties will likely disappear.

[Tidesurfer]

You are right and I think I needed to hear that. I’ve been doing this s*** for so long I forgot what it was like to go to school and try. I talked to my mum and she said that she isn’t disappointed in me and infact happy that I went and talked to her instead of lying to her. Said I had balls to come out into the open but she did also say she realised she had been letting it go on for so long only because she was stuck with dealing with everything and everyone else she didn’t have the energy nor patience, she said she was glad I want change.

Shes going to see if she can get a psychologist I can speak to do I can learn to cope and stuff and help my mental health, and my uh manipulation I guess. It might take some time to get used to it, you know going everyday and not bailing out but I think I can do it.

I only have 6 weeks of this school year remaining, but I’ll still try. For the next two years I’m going to bust my ass off and try my best like you said. I really appreciate the advice I have gotten on here, especially you; @glows, it was the best so far and it really stuck with me, I’ll keep your advice in my mind, thank you all. This is probably the last time I’m going to reply to this thread.

[glows]

I don’t think you need a psychologist. You just need more direction and discipline.

Ask yourself what you’d like to do with your life, is there a counsellor at school you can discuss career goals with. Have any interests and hobbies? Stay motivated and join a club. Boost your confidence outside of school. Socialize and be with other youth who also enjoy the same hobbies/sports etc. Don’t be afraid. 

The point eventually is not to keep living with your mum and be self-sufficient one day. There’s no reason why you can’t do anything you want to do. 

Some advice my dad gave me when I was around your age was to look at the way athletes perform on a professional level and start applying the same type of professionalism to whatever you do. You may be in school but start now. You may not be an athlete but you’re training for life so be honest with yourself and do your best.

I was oddly also very sickly in high school, always sick with the flu, cold, never a bug I didn’t catch, headaches and asthma. Oh I was sick of being sick and things changed eventually as I also got stronger in my 20s. If anything don’t be afraid and keep improving and growing.

Whatever you are now, you do not have to be all the time. I also want to commend you for asking for help. The real help is helping yourself and changing what you’re doing. Do not give up on yourself. Wishing you all the best.