Why would a guy suddenly get self conscious around me?

[TNGirl78]

I’ve been talking to an admittedly shy, reserved guy for a while. In the beginning he was very chatty, made jokes, and even sent some dirtier texts. In person he’s only ever kissed me and nothing more. My humor hasn’t changed but he’s suddenly taking my joking serious. Especially if I imply he’s anything other than innocent and quiet. Yet, he shoot’s down anything nice I say about him. Even if it’s not a direct compliment.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, TNGirl78 said:

I’ve been talking to an admittedly shy, reserved guy for a while. In the beginning he was very chatty, made jokes, and even sent some dirtier texts. 

Have you met in person? How old is he? Does he want to date or just sext? What is it you would like to see happening with him?

[TNGirl78]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? How old is he? Does he want to date or just sext? What is it you would like to see happening with him?

He’s in his 40s. We’ve met in person a few times. He doesn’t sext anymore, but we talk often. He hasn’t ever tried to do anything more than kiss me or put his arms around me. He will keep his distance if others around me. Especially men. I do like him and would like to see where it goes. 

Edited November 8, 2022 by TNGirl78

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, TNGirl78 said:

He’s in his 40s. We’ve met in person a few times. He doesn’t sext anymore, but we talk often. I do like him and would like to see where it goes. 

Are you dating regularly? Perhaps lay back on the texting so you can get to know each other in person more.

[TNGirl78]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you dating regularly? Perhaps lay back on the texting so you can get to know each other in person more.

We’ve been out a few times but we do live a little far from each other. Talking on the phone and texting is our main communication for now. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This guy sounds like someone you should RUN FROM  as fast as possible.

Anyone who cannot handle a compliment--run. Fast. Non-stop. Without looking back. Run. Why are you putting up with this?

People who reject compliments are often people who reject love. In other words, you can tell the and show them how much you appreciate them and it all hits a wall. Doesn't get in. You're getting key information with his weird reactions. Pay attention! This is the most important information you're getting. 

Run. 

[glows]

Given the distance you may not be meeting each other as often. There is a lot of room for misunderstandings or reading too far into things.

For all you know he has other worries on his mind. He’s not going to share that with you because you’re not a couple. Does he ask you out and do you know when you’ll see him next?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, TNGirl78 said:

We’ve been out a few times but we do live a little far from each other. Talking on the phone and texting is our main communication for now. 

How many dates have you been on? How far apart are you? Are either of you in other relationships? 

How did you come across each other? Dating apps? Why have you opted for a distance situation?

Unfortunately this doesn't seem to have enough foundation to build anything. Texting and sexting is not dating.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, TNGirl78 said:

He hasn’t ever tried to do anything more than kiss me or put his arms around me.

That's pretty assertive, what else do you want him to do?

[TNGirl78]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How many dates have you been on? How far apart are you? Are either of you in other relationships? 

How did you come across each other? Dating apps? Why have you opted for a distance situation?

Unfortunately this doesn't seem to have enough foundation to build anything. Texting and sexting is not dating.

6 dates. We are about an hour apart. Didn't really plan on being long distance. We met through mutual friends as he's from my area but he temporarily is living in a different city for work. I'm not seeing anyone else and he's made it clear to me a few times that he isn't either. 

[TNGirl78]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That's pretty assertive, what else do you want him to do?

I haven't really expected anything in particular. I was just wondering why he'd all of a sudden become more sensitive to things I say in conversation. 

[glows]

Ask him if he’s feeling down about anything or if something is on his mind. Don’t read into this being about anything specific you’ve said.

[TNGirl78]

11 hours ago, glows said:

Given the distance you may not be meeting each other as often. There is a lot of room for misunderstandings or reading too far into things.

For all you know he has other worries on his mind. He’s not going to share that with you because you’re not a couple. Does he ask you out and do you know when you’ll see him next?

Good point. He does make time to see me. He opens up in small doses and will tell me about things that are stressing him out. But he's very quick to brush them off if I acknowledge it. Almost as if he thinks I'm going to think less of him for being stressed out. 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, TNGirl78 said:

Good point. He does make time to see me. He opens up in small doses and will tell me about things that are stressing him out. But he's very quick to brush them off if I acknowledge it. Almost as if he thinks I'm going to think less of him for being stressed out. 

I’m sorry - this doesn’t sound like a guy who’s ready or ok with opening up to you but it may not be you. He’s just not ready. He may realize it’s inappropriate also if his issues have to do with another relationship such as financial struggles, coparenting, an ongoing divorce or an ex-wife. Is it any of those things? 

Do you mind me asking where is it that you see him in person or mix in social circles? 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, TNGirl78 said:

6 dates. We are about an hour apart.We met through mutual friends as he's from my area but he temporarily is living in a different city for work. I'm not seeing anyone else and he's made it clear to me a few times that he isn't either. 

Ok this sounds doable. Perhaps lay back on confusing texting if signals are being crossed as far as humor. Try other avenues such as calls, videochat, etc.

[TNGirl78]

38 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m sorry - this doesn’t sound like a guy who’s ready or ok with opening up to you but it may not be you. He’s just not ready. He may realize it’s inappropriate also if his issues have to do with another relationship such as financial struggles, coparenting, an ongoing divorce or an ex-wife. Is it any of those things? 

Do you mind me asking where is it that you see him in person or mix in social circles? 

I agree with you. I figured out a while ago that he doesn’t open up easily. Not just with me. He doesn’t have kids. He’s been divorced for awhile and it was amicable from what I know. I’m not in a rush as I’ve enjoyed the time I do spend with him. It just got my attention that he suddenly took everything I said seriously as if he was doing something wrong or was worried about how I saw him. 
 

We been with friends a few times but mostly when we’ve seen each other it’s just us two. 

[TNGirl78]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok this sounds doable. Perhaps lay back on confusing texting if signals are being crossed as far as humor. Try other avenues such as calls, videochat, etc.

Thanks. I’ll try to do that. 

[Lotsgoingon]

If you do decide to go out with him again, then spell out your concerns. No beating around the bush.

This gives him a chance to respond. And he may have a good response and then adjust his behavior--or not. 

And btw: just because he opens up some doesn't mean he's right for you. That's just one element of things. 

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: the language you want to us is not "You get really weird when I discuss x." No! That's accusatory.

The language you want is along the lines of "I NOTICE that you seemed to be uncomfortable when we talk about X and Y."

"It seems like you are suddenly taking seriously things I say that you used to see the humor in."

You can also add an ending that goes along the lines of "Can you say how you feel about this?"

So you're sharing the impressions you're getting and you're seeking clarification from him about what he's feeling. Totally legit. 

 

[TNGirl78]

11 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

BTW: the language you want to us is not "You get really weird when I discuss x." No! That's accusatory.

The language you want is along the lines of "I NOTICE that you seemed to be uncomfortable when we talk about X and Y."

"It seems like you are suddenly taking seriously things I say that you used to see the humor in."

You can also add an ending that goes along the lines of "Can you say how you feel about this?"

So you're sharing the impressions you're getting and you're seeking clarification from him about what he's feeling. Totally legit. 

 

I do have to chose my words carefully when approaching anything serious. You can tell he gets uncomfortable. Not just with me, but anyone. Those are good examples to use! 

[glows]

It’s better to gain clarity directly from him rather than guessing anything.

I have a strong feeling you may not be seeing who he really is due to distance. Divorce is rarely amicable. Two individuals may be able to sign papers civilly or apply for a desk order/uncontested divorce but there may be very strong undercurrents of betrayal, devastation and distrust. A divorce means things haven’t worked and a life otherwise planned together has been cancelled. Be careful you’re not getting emotionally involved with someone you don’t see often and as a result don’t really know. 

Open communication helps but with this distance and using the phone often it’s difficult to say whether there is enough opportunity for either of you to date realistically.