Gullibleidiot Posted November 8, 2022 Share Posted November 8, 2022 Hi everyone. I'm finding writing about this really hard as I a pretty private person, but because I don't share feelings and situations with family and friends, I decided to sign up here for some advice. Im almost scared of the responses I'll get, as I think it will confirm what I've tried to push to the back of my mind,but I need to get this off my chest. So here it goes... The short version... My wife is beautiful... My perfect so to speak, but always felt like I'm punching above my weight. We met in 2004 at work and got together the next year. She also moved jobs at this time and that was the first time I caught her "cheating" with someone at her new job, which she completely denied. Even though I had copies of messages sent, she still denied it. In early 2007 I then again caught her messaging someone from work, and the excuse this time was that the guy was going through a break up a she was just a shoulder to cry on. Yet again, I concede to making this work, but deep down I feel like a complete idiot. Had our first child in 2008 and married in 2011 and everything seemed great. Then our second child was born in 2012 and had a family holiday the next year. This is when I found another guy messaging her... I will keep this short, so basically this happened twice more until last month. This is when I called her out on deleting photos and messages on her phone as she didn't realise her phone was linked to my daughter iPhone, which I monitor regularly. This is when, and after a very heated argument, that she finally comes clean, and says she craves attention from guy's and always wants to be noticed. She also said that she loves me, but not in love with me, which hurt like you can't believe. At that point I said I wanted her to leave, but with the kids in the forefront of my mind, I said let's sort out how this end tomorrow, so the kids didn't wake up without her being there. The next day she was different. Like a weight of her... But I was at my lowest point ever. She wanted to fall back in love with me, and realised what she had done mentally to me over the years. She's now attending counselling, but me being me, have kept this to myself, and almost driving myself mad constantly thinking about all the times I've been right, but just been taken for a complete mug. I think I know the responses I'm going to get, and apologies for using this as an outlet Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 9, 2022 Share Posted November 9, 2022 No need to apologize, that's what this is for. So is it just messaging guys, or is there more... like sexting, emotional affairs, or actually meeting up and having sex with them? Have you read the messages or just seen that they exist? You need to figure out where you draw the line. The deception alone is enough to kill a relationship, but if there's more to it then... This need or propensity to seek attention from other men is not going to go away just because she's seeing a therapist. The behavior might be curtailed somewhat, and she might be able to be more honest with you going forward, but the fundamental tendency is a personality feature. You're going to have to decide what you can and cannot live with. You'll probably never get beyond being suspicious, more or less depending on circumstances. Honesty is going to be key here. You definitely need someone to talk it out with. You would almost certainly benefit from getting your own therapist. Keeping a journal would probably be good for you too. Sorry you're having to deal with this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2022 Share Posted November 9, 2022 I'm sorry, OP. What a painful realization and revelation. I believe there's not much here to work with, if she's always been seeking out other men and now tells you that she is not in love with you. She has never been committed the way a partner should be and you have evidence of that from right back to the beginning. I am not sure why she chose to stay with you when she's had one foot out the door the whole time, essentially, but I think it's time to free yourself of this. It's been too damaging over the years and she's shown time and again she's just not invested. Counselling isn't going to create a connection (from her to you) that was not there to begin with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2022 Share Posted November 9, 2022 8 hours ago, Gullibleidiot said: .She's now attending counselling, If you both agree to work things out to rebuild love and trust, then you both need to be committed to that. You'll both need marriage therapy in addition to individual counseling. You can't undo the past. You also can't just kick someone out of the marital home. If that's what you want you'll need an expensive divorce with child support. You'll need to examine the marriage itself and what caused this rift and lack of communication. So either get in with both feet or contact an attorney. There's really no in between. Was she physically cheating or were these inappropriate connections for attention? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 9, 2022 Share Posted November 9, 2022 Are you open to marriage counselling or is this too far gone for you? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 9, 2022 Share Posted November 9, 2022 I'm so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. Therapy cannot make your wife fall in love with you. To me that is the bottom line. Without her being in love with you and craving the attention of other men it's only a matter of time before she falls into the arms of another man. Is she a good mother? I ask because abovementioned makes it sound like she'll be the one who has to leave and you'll keep the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gullibleidiot Posted November 9, 2022 Author Share Posted November 9, 2022 Thanks for the replies everyone. There's a lot to take in after reading your comments, and have felt like there is a whirlwind in my brain ever since. Using a keyboard, and posting openly on a forum I haven't herd of before (probably because the need never arose till now) has been an outlet for me, but sitting in front of someone, talking about this, isn't me, or the way I'm used to dealing with things in life. Most people will probably read this and say that's exactly what I need, but deep down I know, that it will open floodgates that I emotionally won't have the strength to close.... Hope that makes sense... What I'm waiting for is the feeling in the pit of my stomach to dissappear. That will happen when I know we're on a path forward, and I see that sparkle in her eye when she looks at me. Soppy I know, but that's how I knew. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 But she’s never changed - she’s just made empty promises yet kept cheating on you! get your kids dna tested as soon as possible! Seriously, get them tested! stop accepting her unacceptable behavior! She isn’t a good partner and she certainly isn’t wife material. divorce her knowing she will always need way more attention than any ONE man can provide! sorry you are in this situation - it’s HER fault not yours. Stop believing her lies. Expose HER bad behavior to family now! Keeping all of her bad behavior has ONLY allowed her to think it’s ok. It’s not! no one should have to live in a marriage with a cheater like her - do yourself a favor and divorce her knowing she lies and will continue cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 9 hours ago, Gullibleidiot said: What I'm waiting for is the feeling in the pit of my stomach to dissappear. That will happen when I know we're on a path forward, and I see that sparkle in her eye when she looks at me. But that isn't sustainable, as you have seen. It's fleeting for her, and she's always sought the attention of other men. Having a sparkle in her eye is nowhere near enough to support a marriage. This is not just about being "in love" or not. It's also about her lack of respect for you and her flimsy boundaries with other men. That's been a problem from the beginning of your relationship. I would get real with yourself that she is just not the sort of wife you want her to be, and chances are that is not going to change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 10 hours ago, Gullibleidiot said: but deep down I know, that it will open floodgates that I emotionally won't have the strength to close.... Hope that makes sense... Yes, it does make sense. That’s why individuals bury their heads in the sand. It’s why there’s a thing called denial. It’s why ordinary people put up with extraordinary situations like cheating, abuse, mistreatment, barely surviving and still saying they’re happy or doing all right. For as long as she has been looking for attention elsewhere, you too have been deflecting issues in the marriage in your own way. Both of you aren’t dealing with the underlying issues, the flood behind the floodgates. Without the resolve to face all of that it’s likely nothing changes. At the very least try reconsidering private counselling for yourself to figure out where you stand and what’s going on with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted November 10, 2022 Share Posted November 10, 2022 18 hours ago, Gullibleidiot said: Thanks for the replies everyone. There's a lot to take in after reading your comments, and have felt like there is a whirlwind in my brain ever since. Using a keyboard, and posting openly on a forum I haven't herd of before (probably because the need never arose till now) has been an outlet for me, but sitting in front of someone, talking about this, isn't me, or the way I'm used to dealing with things in life. Most people will probably read this and say that's exactly what I need, but deep down I know, that it will open floodgates that I emotionally won't have the strength to close.... Hope that makes sense... What I'm waiting for is the feeling in the pit of my stomach to dissappear. That will happen when I know we're on a path forward, and I see that sparkle in her eye when she looks at me. Soppy I know, but that's how I knew. Are you 100 % sure those gates should be closed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gullibleidiot Posted November 12, 2022 Author Share Posted November 12, 2022 Sorry I haven't replied everyone. Been having some thinking time. You guys on here are absolutely right and shouldn't Bury my head in the sand and shouldn't defelect. I obviously know I need to talk, and shouldn't keep those gates closed, which is probably why I came on here Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 13, 2022 Share Posted November 13, 2022 It's time you are honest with yourself: you aren't going to have the sort of marriage you want. Not with this woman. She just doesn't have those feelings for you, and it doesn't sound as though she ever really has. Other men would never have been a factor otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
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