My GF got blackout drunk, kissed another man, and told me about it.

[Dasher94]

This whole incident happened about 1 month ago, and I am still quite rattled by the whole thing. I've spoken to a counselor and a few close friends, but really value the advice and opinion of third parties. 

My girlfriend of 3 years - up until this incident - has been an extremely loyal and supportive woman. I love her very much and we have been living together for the past 2 years. One of her self-admitted issues is that she sometimes can have a tendency to over-drink when she is sad, depressed, or anxious. I have always been aware of it, but to be honest, probably never took it seriously enough until this incident. 

Here is what happened:

She was out of town for a week for a sporting competition that she was apart of. We talked on the phone every day and things were good. No fights, no issues, nothing out of the usual. She ended up performing very poorly in the competition and understandably was super upset. She called me in tears afterwards. The next night there was a big wrap-up party in town. She told me she was going, and that she was meeting up with a group of girls for pre-drinking before hand - I told her great! Have fun and be safe.

The day after the party, I went to pick her up. As soon as I arrived I knew something was wrong. She told me "I got really drunk last night" - which immediately concerned me. After the drive home, I asked her - did anything happen last night? She sat down and started to cry. She said something bad had happened. She said this guy had Kissed her. I was obviously upset, and was asking for more details - where did it happen? Who was there? How long was it? She genuinely did not have these answers. She had blacked out much of the evening. It seems like an excuse to some, but I know my GF and I've seen her black out before, and I fully believe that she doesn't remember all the details. I told her she needed to call the guy and find out what had happened because the not knowing would drive me crazy.

The next day she called the guy and got all the details. It turns out it was worse than she rememberd. Apparently they walked home from the party together (they were staying in the same area) and she ended up in his house. The way he put it "they hooked up on the couch" - then had a moment of clarity and said - "I can't be here, I have to go" and left his house and walked home. She didn't remember any of this. All she remembered was him leaning in for a kiss. So she told me this update and I was crushed. I broke up with her. It was awful, she was crying and telling me it was the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn't understand herself how it could have happened. 

Back story here - the other "guy" in this situation is someone she trusted, a friend she has had through work for about 7 years. They no longer work together, but they kept in touch from time to time in a friendly way. I was always concerned with his intentions, but my GF never hid their communications from me or anything like that so I was always OK with it. I think this is why she eneded up walking home with him - she trusted him - and he was probably flirting with her and making her feel good about herself when she was in a very drunk and depressed state. I still will never know or understand how she ended up in his house, on his couch, and that really hurts.

We had been broken up for about 5 days - she went to her mothers house for the time being. We connected regularly and she expressed deep regret, remorse, and ownership of her actions. She also fully admitted her problem with alcohol and expressed true desire to change for the better. I was starting to entertain the idea of forgiveness, but was still very hurt, angry, and betrayed.

THEN the next day I literally almost run into the other GUY. It was as if the universe wanted me to talk to him. I really feel that way because he lives in a different city and the odds of us running into each other where we did was really low. I had a mini panic attack and then approached him and said we need to talk. I told him I was very upset and that my GF couldnt remember everything and I wanted to know what had happened. He told me everything. There was nothing pre-planned or pre-meditated. He told me about the phone call he had with her where she told him she couldnt remember anything and he felt really awful about what had happened. I could see by the look on his face he realized he had done something wrong. I asked him directly - Did you have sex with her? and he said NO. I asked him again - are you sure you didn't have sex with her? He said NO - then he said - we made out on the couch, I had my hands down her pants, I had a put a condom on, but it never got to that point. She apparently said "I can't be here, I have to go" and left. This conversation changed my whole perspective on what had happened. It really sounds like this man was taking advantage of her in a drunken state - and although my GF is also guilty - she no longer held 100% of the blame in my head. If my GF was consenting to sex there would have been no condom (she has an IUD), and they would have been in the bedroom, not on a couch. This made me realize that there was no conversation had - no consent given. Yes, she made a mistake, yes she kissed him, but everything past that sounded more like it was happening to her, then her participating in it. 

I also spoke to a couple of her friends that were at the pre-drink with her. They both confirmed that she was really drunk and that this guy was acting very flirtatious and "sketchy" towards her. I was upset that her friends didn't look out for her given the circumstances.

In light of all this information I decided I owe this woman another chance. I went to see her. I told her about the conversation I had with the guy and she broke down crying. She was so relieved to know that they had not had sex. I couldn't imagine what that would feel like - to know you hooked up with someone, but not know what had happened to your body or how far it went. She was genuine. She made a vow to change for the better - she promised me that she would embrace sobriety, make a serious change with her drinking for once and for all. She also started seeing a counselor to work through her insecurities, depression, and relationship with alcohol. So I took her back.

We have now been back living together for 3 weeks. She hasn't had a drop of alcohol and I do see a true change in her. That said, I am plagued by replaying that evening over and over again in my head and over analyzing everything. We talked about it lots, but sometimes she gets really down when we talk about it because of she feels ashamed and guilty about it. 

Do you think I made a mistake giving this woman another chance? 

Do you think in time I will forget about that evening and feel normal again?

<3

 

[stillafool]

Yes. You've accepted she made a mistake and forgiven her.  She's no longer drinking so....

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Dasher94 said:

she promised me that she would embrace sobriety, make a serious change with her drinking for once and for all. She also started seeing a counselor to work through her insecurities, depression, and relationship with alcohol

Sorry this happened. Not everyone who has a drinking problem is "an alcoholic", but blackouts a self-medicating are red flags. As far as what happened it sounds like he was taking advantage of her inability to consent.

[BrinnM]

She seems genuinely sorry and remorseful, she told you about it right away, which she didn’t have to, because you would’ve never found out. And she is so embarrassed that she doesn’t even drink anymore. Not even a little bit. So no, I don’t think you made a mistake by giving her another chance. I think she deserves another chance. Her honesty and the way she tried to turn that ship around immediately, by calling him and clarifying the situation, these things mean a lot. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Dasher94 said:

Do you think in time I will forget about that evening and feel normal again?

No, I don't. 

I say that because this changed the goalposts in your relationship. That's not to say that you won't be able to move past it, but events like this won't be forgotten. I would not have expectation that things will go back to the way they were before. Things will be different from now on, with her needing to demonstrate better judgement and boundaries in a way she didn't need to previously. You will likely also find yourself a lot less trusting of her, which is normal. It's going to take time to regain that. The dynamics have shifted now, so I would be realistic with yourself in accepting that this is now part of your story together as a couple. It sucks, but it is what it is. Again, that doesn't mean you both can't move on from it. You can. But be prepared for future triggers, so that you can find a healthy way to cope with the bad feelings when they come up. 

[Alpacalia]

It's kind of unclear to me how the two of them ended up connecting that evening, so I'm wondering how that came about.

There is a strange thing about how it is that she left town for a sporting event, and the next evening there was a party in the town where he lived. To meet up, they had to get in touch at some point, right? Or was he at the same afterparty and they ran into each other?

It sounds innocent enough I suppose I'm just a bit confused about that part.

You're most likely not going to know for certain so there will most likely always be that looming question in the back of your mind. Of course, the drinking is another issue altogether. Albeit, related. Kind of like waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Hopefully this was a wake-up call for her and sounds like she's taking proactive steps to correct it. I'm assuming she's also ended her friendship/association with this individual?

Edited November 10, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Dasher94]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

There is a strange thing about how it is that she left town for a sporting event, and the next evening there was a party in the town where he lived. To meet up, they had to get in touch at some point, right? Or was he at the same afterparty and they ran into each other?

Alpacalia,

Without giving away where we live or where this all took place, I can tell you that they did not have to get in touch at some point in order for this to happen. It is a small town and they were both involved with the sporting competition and it sounds like they just ran into each other. They both could have assumed that the other would be there.

I've read her text messages with the guy and there was no meet-up planned. She had deleted her instagram conversation with him, but promised me there was nothing on there and they hadn't corresponded in months before this incident. The other guy also said the same when I talked to him in person.

The hard part is not knowing how much she played a role in it - was she a passenger in the whole thing, or did she lean into it? If she was the one who initiated it, if she was the one that was trying to make this happen, wouldn't the guy have said that to me to make himself look more innocent? I will never know for sure, but in my heart I believe that he was the one who made the pass, made the move, and wanted this to happen. The not knowing is painful.

 

 

 

[Dasher94]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'm assuming she's also ended her friendship/association with this individual?

Yes - he messaged her a couple days after this all blew up to check-in with her and she said "I think its best if you and I don't speak anymore, all I want is to make this right with D"

[smackie9]

You yourself are in a difficult place, feelings of being deceived, you lack trust, and are suffering from heartbreak. Life has changed and it's not easy to deal with right? She's not the only one that needs counselling. I suggest you have yourself a few sessions set up. 

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, Dasher94 said:

Alpacalia,

Without giving away where we live or where this all took place, I can tell you that they did not have to get in touch at some point in order for this to happen. It is a small town and they were both involved with the sporting competition and it sounds like they just ran into each other. They both could have assumed that the other would be there.

I've read her text messages with the guy and there was no meet-up planned. She had deleted her instagram conversation with him, but promised me there was nothing on there and they hadn't corresponded in months before this incident. The other guy also said the same when I talked to him in person.

The hard part is not knowing how much she played a role in it - was she a passenger in the whole thing, or did she lean into it? If she was the one who initiated it, if she was the one that was trying to make this happen, wouldn't the guy have said that to me to make himself look more innocent? I will never know for sure, but in my heart I believe that he was the one who made the pass, made the move, and wanted this to happen. The not knowing is painful.

 

 

 

It's a tough spot for you.

Inhibitions are lowered by alcohol. I'm not sure it magically makes you want things you don’t really want, nor does it cause you to believe that Joe over there is actually Steve. Yes, a person can get blackout drunk and do dumb things or put themselves in a vulnerable position, but those actions tend to stem from somewhere.

It would be very concerning if she actively kissed him for longer than 10 seconds while out partying. If she did not want to kiss him, she would have reacted within five seconds and stopped him from kissing her further. Her regret for what she did would have led her to feel sick with guilt about the mistake and apologize to you. Which she did.

It's okay to forgive her, I mean, that ultimately has to come from you if you have the fortitude and know she would never do such a thing again and it was more his doing. It's wonderful that you are choosing to stand by and support her.

It could be seen as a mistake she made by getting too drunk once in a lifetime and dismissed as nothing to worry about.

If, however, your gut instinct tells you she would happily kiss him again, let her go.

Edited November 11, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Dasher94 said:

Yes - he messaged her a couple days after this all blew up to check-in with her and she said "I think its best if you and I don't speak anymore, all I want is to make this right with D"

He probably would like it all to go away since it comes quite close to sexual assault if she was too drunk to consent.

[JTSW]

In my opinion, this wasn't her fault. That guy took advantage.

She's genuinely remorseful over this and is doing so much to change for the better.

You need to stop replaying it all in your mind and let it go.

Move on and look to the future together. 

[Weezy1973]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

.It would be very concerning if she actively kissed him for longer than 10 seconds while out partying.

Agree that the most concerning part is that it went past just a short kiss. If she really didn’t want anything to do with the guy she would have panicked and stopped things immediately, but she actively participated in moving things further, including going back to the guys place. If she was feeling bad about herself, it likely was for the validation of feeling attractive and wanted, as well as being distracted from her bad feelings more than wanting to be with the guy. Any guy would have done the trick, but she did trust this guy. Trust that he would hurt her (which he didn’t). I don’t buy that he took advantage of her. They were both active participants until she stopped things at which point he stopped too. 
 

The only question is can you trust her again. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship. I believe she is truly remorseful. But that’s not necessarily enough. There has to be a core belief that it won’t happen again ever no matter how bad she’s feeling about herself etc. and not matter the situation. She’s not a victim here though - so don’t let that sway you.

[glows]

On 11/9/2022 at 8:54 AM, Dasher94 said:

One of her self-admitted issues is that she sometimes can have a tendency to over-drink when she is sad, depressed, or anxious. I have always been aware of it, but to be honest, probably never took it seriously enough until this incident. 

….

Do you think I made a mistake giving this woman another chance? 

Do you think in time I will forget about that evening and feel normal again?

 

It isn’t just her binge drinking. It’s the self-described anxiety and depression she told you about that needs to be addressed with her healthcare provider, a doctor, not just a therapist/counsellor. She may be more interested in seeing her doctor and describing her moods, addictions, loss of control. 

I think there’s a lot more than just what happened that night under the surface. Do I think your relationship won’t work? There’s a slim chance it might but she needs help and work recognizing her anxiety and depression.

To add to this, you are here wondering if you made a mistake taking her back. If you or her don’t even know what are the root causes that propel her to binge drink, be at these parties, have such so-called “friends” or the causes that trigger her to feel anxious and depressed, of course you’re unsettled and uneasy. This is a bit like walking forwards anyway even if it’s pitch black darkness and you don’t know the way. You’re taking a chance but it’s not an educated or informed one as neither of you know what exactly is bothering her. 

I agree with the earlier comment that things will be different for awhile. Time may smooth out the rough edges if she’s able to make better decisions but you may always be wondering why this had to happen in the first place. Sometimes not accepting mistakes that are too huge and too large is a product of facing reality. I wonder if you both reconciled too quickly without taking more time to process what is going on between both of you as a couple and as individuals.

[emotionallybroken9]

1) Did you make a mistake giving her a second chance?

No. From what you’ve written, this woman sounds like a keeper. I’ll explain after. 
 

2) Will you ever forget and return to normal?

No. You’ll be a better version of yourself at the end, BECAUSE you can never forget. 
 

You’re gonna go through what we betrayed spouses have gone through. The 5 stages. The grief. The distrusts. The fights. The self reflection. All of it. It’s all in the infidelity forum.  
 

At first, you’ll be replaying the mental video of the night pretty much any time you’re not distracted by a screen or a task. When you’re with her. When you have a drink alone. When she kisses you. When his name is mentioned. It’s hell. True f***ing hell. 
 

But… it does get better. Maybe next week you only think about it 20 hours a day. Next week only 10 hours. maybe next week it’s only a day or two. Maybe next week it comes back to full days of hell, but then it dies out again. Eventually, it’s no longer a thought that gets popped in whenever it wants. It won’t be forgotten, but it won’t be on you mind anymore!

Kinda like wearing clothes, you know? The human body is very efficient at not wasting energy. You don’t actively FEEL the clothes you’re wearing unless something draws attention to it, and EVEN THEN, we’ve been so accustomed to wearing clothes that we just don’t feel them. 
 

same will happen with this bad imagery. Ur brain will get tired of replaying it cuz it already knows what that feeling is like

 

As to why she’s a KEEPER: She’s doing everything right! I mean, I’ve read thousands of threads during my lifetime from WS and BS and this girl is showing more remorse and actions of change than 90% of the posts I’ve read on here.

she got so blackout drunk at a party with friends to drown her bad performance that her close friend had to walk her home to get her there safely, and instead decides to take her back to his place, while he appears to have drunk sooooo much less that he remembers the details of the night, and proceeds to take advantage of her. THEN, while blacked out, she somehow beats the alcohol to recognize that what’s happening is wrong, and she left. THEN, she immediately confesses. THEN, gets you all the details she can, shows true remorse, quits drinking alcohol, AND goes to counselling. 
 

She’s taking the right steps to regain your trust. Now it’s time for you to go to your own counselling to deal with the hell you’re about to go through. 
 

You may come to realize in 2 years that this didn’t have a chance. Or maybe you’ll just be thankful that she wasn’t fully assaulted and you’re both able to grow and be amazing together forever! 
 

There aren’t kids, right? Then just go for it and be careful Of pregnancies lol. That way, if it just isn’t working out for you, the break up will be easy peasy and you could at least say you gave it a try. Worst case is you just wasted a year or two.

At least choose to leave her because she’s displaying present qualities that you don’t like. You already gave her the chance, now it’s time to see how it’ll turn out in a year or two

 

Good luck! Whether you get over her cheating or not, both are okay! You’re allowed to not be with someone that’s cheated on you! Lord knows I’ll never go back, but others have and they’re so happy! Not for me, but I also gave her second chance (9 months or so), so I don’t have any regrets that it ended. I KNEW it wasn’t the relationship for me! 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

I don't understand how a person knows they kissed someone if they were blacked out drunk.  Hmmmmmm

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand how a person knows they kissed someone if they were blacked out drunk.  Hmmmmmm

There's a message "This members profile is no longer active" regarding the OP.

[Andy_K]

On 11/29/2022 at 4:27 PM, stillafool said:

I don't understand how a person knows they kissed someone if they were blacked out drunk.  Hmmmmmm

It's not always an absolute state... there are often flashes of recollection or a feeling that something happened, particularly if it was out of the ordinary.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

It's not always an absolute state... there are often flashes of recollection or a feeling that something happened, particularly if it was out of the ordinary.

Oh really? I've never been "black out drunk" so I assumed it meant you drank so much alcohol that you blacked out.  I thought that's why people who were in that condition said they couldn't remember anything that happened because they were "BOD".  

[Andy_K]

Black out drunk is a state where alcohol interferes with your ability to form new memories, with the result that you struggle to recall anything longer than 5 or 10 minutes ago, unless it was before the blackout. You can be perfectly lucid and coherent during a blackout, and there's no real way to tell if someone is experiencing it or not. You might get home and not remember how you got there. You might have been to a bar and seem fine while you are there, but have no recollection of it afterwards. It might be there are only small patches of memory loss... or it could be there are only small patches of things you actually remember, or nothing at all.