Twice broken and left for dead

[vervy27]

I am feeling shocked, depressed and confused.  I need a fresh perspective of what is going on 

So here is my story - 

I met him (let's call him Javier) in the US where each of us moved individually from different countries to take up new jobs. 

We first met in May 2018 and sparks flew. I thought this was the guy I wanted to marry and have a future with. 

We had an 8-month relationship in the US until late January 2019 when I came to know Javier had been married in his home country and my world was shattered in an instant.  I broke up immediately, went no-contact and spent the next three years crying and depressed. I could not believe he had been untruthful about such an important fact, yet, I still loved him despite what happened.

Javier returned to his wife in April 2019, I thought I would never hear from him again. During the next 3 years we had no direct contact but he was regularly keeping tabs on me from afar using social media.

This year, in February (about 3 years after we parted ways) out of the blue, I received an invite to connect over LinkedIn from no one other than Javier.  This time he was reaching out from his home country and I was on another continent, so our entire communication was virtual. 

He apologized profusely for the harm he had inflicted upon me years earlier offering me explanations and closing with "I am divorced now and a changed man. You are still the woman I want to be with". I was still in love and wanted to believe in him so badly that we started communicating gradually once again.

By August we agreed I should buy my flight ticket to his home country and we will likely get engaged. And then marry within the following year.  I was due to board my flight to go and see him by this early December and felt very happy and optimistic about the future. 

Then, 5 days ago I received a text out of the blue from a woman asking me if I was Javier's girlfriend. I froze looking at the WhatsApp screen.  When I asked her who she was, her response: "I am the woman Javier met 2 months ago, we have been living together ever since we met and we are engaged"

I remember feeling nauseous, really sick. But then I thought, "wait, this must be a joke, right? I am due to be with Javier in 3 weeks and WE are getting engaged."  The other woman went on to say that she got access to his phone as she was suspecting him of hiding things from her. And rightly so, the first WhatsApp conversation on his phone was me. After the initial communication, she kept messaging me herself with all kinds of stories about my 'fiancé' - how he patiently waited for her  hormonal bleeding to end so that he can make love to her, how he acts in bed with her, how her youngest son cannot go to sleep anymore without having Javier by his side. Each word of hers was a heavy blow to my scalp - I blocked her number out of sheer despair. 

I reached out to him and asked when he was planning to tell me the truth. He did not have any useful answer really. He tried to blame me for his terrible doing and accused me of not really trusting him anymore and being too cautious with my feelings to the point that he was not sure it would work out romantically between us. Then he met 'her' 2 days after I had bought my ticket to fly to meet him - and he has been living with her and her 3 children (fathered with 2-3 different men) ever since. Which means he had been having a virtual relationship with me while physically living with her. They got engaged within the 2 months of meeting for the first time. 

My world was shattered instantly, once again. This was the second time Javier had broken me.

Until last week he was referring to me as "my future wife and the mother of my kids" and making plans for the time we would be together. Now he is happily announcing his engagement to this other woman on Facebook and they keep flirting on Twitter (even though they live in the same house). 

I decided to close all my social media accounts and take my time to grieve. It hurts to the bone to see him and her publicly professing their undying love for each other within such a short time of meeting each other. I refuse to believe this is the 'real' thing. 

For the past 5 days I have been unable to function normally - I am losing too much weight because I feel sick to my stomach all the time - I can neither sleep nor eat. 

I am the abandoned woman with lacking self-worth and I feel good for nothing. I feel too weak to get up again and pick up the pieces. 

I have tried to find a therapist in my city but unfortunately my insurance does not cover therapy and I can't pay the asking price for the sessions. So, I am stuck. 

 

- How the heck did things get here and what have I done wrong from my side? 

- Why the abrupt changes in his behavior towards me?

- Getting engaged with a woman he met just 2 months ago while being with me at the same time, what the heck?  What love is that by the way?

- Will he genuinely be happy with her on top of the betrayal and destruction he subjected me to?

 

Please help me see things in a clearer light. I kindly ask you to be sympathetic and please, do not just tell me the usual "forget and move on" , this is not what I am asking.

Thank you, 

Lora

 

 

 

 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am sorry you are hurting.

People never change.  You should know this.

He blatantly lied to you the first time.  Once a liar, always a liar.  Why did you even let him back in?

You really need be angry with him not sad.

He is a bad person.  It is good for you that you did not marry him.

[FMW]

34 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

How the heck did things get here and what have I done wrong from my side? 

You gave him a second chance after he lied to you the first time.  In this case, as in many, he most certainly did not deserve that chance.  Unfortunately once someone treats you badly, it's usually best to move along and never look back.  

- Why the abrupt changes in his behavior towards me?

Because he got caught and wasn't willing to accept any blame.  So he turned it back on you.

- Getting engaged with a woman he met just 2 months ago while being with me at the same time, what the heck?  What love is that by the way?

It doesn't sound like he knows how to really love anyone but himself. 

- Will he genuinely be happy with her on top of the betrayal and destruction he subjected me to?

You shouldn't give that a thought whatsoever.  Try to forget about him, he's treated you - and these other women - badly.  Whether he's happy or not shouldn't cross your mind.  

I know all that is easy to say and hard to put into practice, but that's what you are going to have to do.  As @lonelyplanetmoonsaid, be angry, not sad.  And then let the anger burn off and put him out of your mind for good.  

You are very lucky he's out of your life.  

[vervy27]

25 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I am sorry you are hurting.

People never change.  You should know this.

He blatantly lied to you the first time.  Once a liar, always a liar.  Why did you even let him back in?

You really need be angry with him not sad.

He is a bad person.  It is good for you that you did not marry him.

Thank you!

When he showed up in my life again after 3 years of no-contact, he made me feel like he had been waiting to talk to me again for all this time...

I still loved him and thus wanted to believe he could change if he truly wanted it himself...

All the three years he kept tabs on me from afar - it just confused me as I thought I was special to him in some way, he cannot forget me and he may truly wants a real relationship this time around. 

But when we got soooo close to actually making it happen, he sabotaged it in an instant knowing that it's game over for us. We just exhausted our chances to ever be together. 

Do you think he might suffer from attachment anxiety or something? Which results in these instances of self-sabotage?

[vervy27]

13 minutes ago, FMW said:

I know all that is easy to say and hard to put into practice, but that's what you are going to have to do.  As @lonelyplanetmoonsaid, be angry, not sad.  And then let the anger burn off and put him out of your mind for good.  

You are very lucky he's out of your life.  

I was due to fly over to see him in a few weeks - now,  I am trying hard to change the destination of the ticket to avoid losing almost 1000 $

So, I am wondering - had this woman not reached out to me now, any idea when he would have told me the truth? Would he really have let me spend a fortune to get there for nothing?

Do you see any narcissistic traits in his behavior? 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Well he was married, right?

So no I don’t think he had any attachments issues.

‘Some people are just users.  He obviously is one.  He used you to satisfy his ego and when he did not need you anymore he replaced you without a thought or care about your feelings.

it is possible he is a narcissistic.  What an awful person.  He would have kept lying and had you fly there etc.  just wow so awful.

‘You have to know that the connection and love you had with him was fake.  Some people are good at deceiving and making the other person feel good etc.  but it is acting and not authentic.

[vervy27]

5 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Well he was married, right?

So no I don’t think he had any attachments issues.

‘Some people are just users.  He obviously is one.  He used you to satisfy his ego and when he did not need you anymore he replaced you without a thought or care about your feelings.

it is possible he is a narcissistic.  What an awful person.  He would have kept lying and had you fly there etc.  just wow so awful.

‘You have to know that the connection and love you had with him was fake.  Some people are good at deceiving and making the other person feel good etc.  but it is acting and not authentic.

He was married but cheated on his wife with me and I was clueless about it for 8 months. 

He is definitely not a good person, for sure...

What I really struggle with at this time is: why did he repeatedly ask me to buy my ticket only to start a new relationship 2 DAYS after I purchased the damn ticket? 

And another thing that hurts like hell: Why is he acting as being head over heels with her on social media within such a short time of meeting her? They live in the same house now apparently, yet, they flirt on Twitter in 1-to-1 conversations? How weird is that? It makes me nauseous just thinking about it

 

[vervy27]

2 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

He was married but cheated on his wife with me and I was clueless about it for 8 months. 

He is definitely not a good person, for sure...

What I really struggle with at this time is: why did he repeatedly ask me to buy my ticket only to start a new relationship 2 DAYS after I purchased the damn ticket? 

And another thing that hurts like hell: Why is he acting as being head over heels with her on social media within such a short time of meeting her? They live in the same house now apparently, yet, they flirt on Twitter in 1-to-1 conversations? How weird is that? It makes me nauseous just thinking about it

 

More over, they listed their Facebook status as "engaged" AFTER I found out the truth about the other woman. In fact, I can conclude that given that they met 2 months ago, they did not really have a relationship to start with, they just started with an engagement - which again is so weird.....nothing makes much sense to me

[vervy27]

One further point I would like to make is that I blame myself for not flying over to see him right after we got in touch virtually. So, I should have met him by June. 

[Just to clarify that where he lives makes it hard if not impossible for him to fly out himself]

I feel upset with myself because I waited too long for this trip to happen given that we last met in person nearly 4 years ago. 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, vervy27 said:

- How the heck did things get here and what have I done wrong from my side?  You've done nothing wrong.  You're just dealing with a cheater who was caught by his girlfriend.

- Why the abrupt changes in his behavior towards me? Because he was caught by his girlfriend.  You were fantasy and she is his real life.  When caught he quickily threw you under the

   bus.  That is what cheaters do when they are caught.

- Getting engaged with a woman he met just 2 months ago while being with me at the same time, what the heck?  What love is that by the way?  That isn't love and he was never in 

   in love with you.  He may not be in love with her either but she's the one he choses to be with.                                                                                                                                                                                                          

- Will he genuinely be happy with her on top of the betrayal and destruction he subjected me to?   He isn't feeling guilty about what he did to you.  I have no idea if they end up happy  

   or not.  It's likely you weren't the only other girl he's been chatting with and promising things.  Some of them may have already travelled to see him and didn't get caught.

First how old are you and him?  Also there is free online therapy.  Google it.  I hope you've finally blocked him from contacting you.  You need to stop viewing their social media so you can heal from this.  It will be impossible if you continue to snoop on them.  In the future it's best to date and see men in close proximity to you so you can have a better idea if they are fake or not.

[Mrin]

18 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

One further point I would like to make is that I blame myself for not flying over to see him right after we got in touch virtually. So, I should have met him by June. 

So... the above and other things you have said make it sound like you feel like you "missed out". That there was a real possibility to have a healthy committed marital relationship with this man. Even now it feels like you believe that. Right?

Let me give you a different thing to try on. Instead, I would look at this as that you got played by a con-man. The man you fell in love with? Fake. That happy future you were working towards? Was never there. Just part of the scam. His current fiance? She didn't win. She is just another one of his victims... His current victim in fact. He is a predator. Count yourself lucky that you found out when you did. That lovey dovey romance you see between them online? That's basically the scam in action. A public assault if you will.

Honestly.. I think this is a more accurate and healthier way to look at the situation. I know it sucks because it means that you fell in love with a lie and spent a lot of years being emotionally torn up about a lie. But honestly it's the truth. 

 

 

[vervy27]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

First how old are you and him?  Also there is free online therapy.  Google it.  I hope you've finally blocked him from contacting you.  You need to stop viewing their social media so you can heal from this.  It will be impossible if you continue to snoop on them.  In the future it's best to date and see men in close proximity to you so you can have a better idea if they are fake or not.

We were in our mid-late 30s when we first met in person in 2018. 

You are right about the social media - it's like venom to my heart seeing them showing off their romance when just last week I was his future wife and the mother of his future children. 

He completely changed his tune instantaneously once I found out about the other woman. I am seriously struggling with such abrupt changes of attitude. 

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

He was married but cheated on his wife with me and I was clueless about it for 8 months. If he could cheat on his wife who he made vows to in front of friends and family why would you ever think he would't cheat and lie to you?

He is definitely not a good person, for sure...

What I really struggle with at this time is: why did he repeatedly ask me to buy my ticket only to start a new relationship 2 DAYS after I purchased the damn ticket?  He probably was going to have his last fling with you and when you went back he'd start up with this girl and do what they're doing now.  Get married.  I'm sorry but he was just using you.

And another thing that hurts like hell: Why is he acting as being head over heels with her on social media within such a short time of meeting her? They live in the same house now apparently, yet, they flirt on Twitter in 1-to-1 conversations? How weird is that? It makes me nauseous just thinking about it  Don't look at it.  I don't know why I guess because they are getting married.   Who cares this guy was bad news for you.  Just make sure you never get involved with him again no matter what.  You can do that by blocking him everywhere.  Have you already blocked him from contacting you?

 

 

Edited November 10, 2022 by stillafool

[vervy27]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

 

The other woman is not really a 'girl' per se - she is a mother of 3 children [ ] 

Sorry, I am not getting it - he was "using me for what exactly'? We have not met in person for the last 4 years. 

Edited November 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shaming

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, vervy27 said:

The other woman is not really a 'girl' per se - she is a mother of 3 children

Sorry, I am not getting it - he was "using me for what exactly'? We have not met in person for the last 4 years. 

I meant to go back and change "girl" to "woman" but forgot.\

Using you for "extra sex".  I wouldn't be surprised if he's watching several women on line who he's involved with.
 

Edited November 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edit quote

[vervy27]

11 minutes ago, Mrin said:

So... the above and other things you have said make it sound like you feel like you "missed out". That there was a real possibility to have a healthy committed marital relationship with this man. Even now it feels like you believe that. Right?

Let me give you a different thing to try on. Instead, I would look at this as that you got played by a con-man. The man you fell in love with? Fake. That happy future you were working towards? Was never there. Just part of the scam. His current fiance? She didn't win. She is just another one of his victims... His current victim in fact. He is a predator. Count yourself lucky that you found out when you did. That lovey dovey romance you see between them online? That's basically the scam in action. A public assault if you will.

Honestly.. I think this is a more accurate and healthier way to look at the situation. I know it sucks because it means that you fell in love with a lie and spent a lot of years being emotionally torn up about a lie. But honestly it's the truth. 

 

 

Thanks for sharing this perspective. Harsh but useful. 

It does hurt big time having been emotionally tied to this man for the last 4 years only to find out it came to nothing at all. Perhaps, out of everything, this is precisely the most painful blow for me. With that said, I am hurting to see how happy he appears to be on social media after a devastating betrayal because he should be the one who suffers not me. 

Of course, the other painful aspect of it all is the fact that he "got engaged" within 2 months of knowing her for the first time - when he and I were supposed to get engaged. So, indirectly, he is basically trying hard to show me what less of a woman I am, how little I am worth.

[vervy27]

6 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

The other woman is not really a 'girl' per se - she is a mother of 3 children fathered by 2 or 3 different men. 

Sorry, I am not getting it - he was "using me for what exactly'? We have not met in person for the last 4 years. 

That's precisely the thing I am struggling to accept. After all, he was the one who re-surfaced in my life after 3 years of silence. Why on earth to do all this sh*t when he can get sex so easily locally? 🙂

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

Of course, the other painful aspect of it all is the fact that he "got engaged" within 2 months of knowing her for the first time - when he and I were supposed to get engaged. So, indirectly, he is basically trying hard to show me what less of a woman I am, how little I am worth.

Don't think that way , I can assure you what they're doing online has nothing to do with you.  

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

That's precisely the thing I am struggling to accept. After all, he was the one who re-surfaced in my life after 3 years of silence. Why on earth to do all this sh*t when he can get sex so easily locally? 🙂

Maybe it's a game to him.  Getting women to fall for him and them paying to come to another country to have sex with him is quite the ego boost for a man.

[vervy27]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Don't think that way , I can assure you what they're doing online has nothing to do with you.  

Perhaps I was unclear in my statement. What I meant is that by him getting engaged to her within just 2 months of knowing her when in reality it should have been me who gets engaged to him - looks like he is trying to prove something - 

Anyway, I have all my doubts about the sustainability of such an engagement - 

[NuevoYorko]

55 minutes ago, vervy27 said:

Anyway, I have all my doubts about the sustainability of such an engagement - 

I have doubts about the sustainability of any relationship this guy has.

The thing that really stood out to me when I read your OP was 

3 hours ago, vervy27 said:

spent the next three years crying and depressed.

(after you found out he was married).

Please don't do that again.   You've wasted enough time and tears on this man.  I know he played you badly and hurt you a lot, but you can leave this behind you.  I understand that you fell in love with him, but in reality you spent 8 months together.  You can get past this.  You just need to follow certain steps.

Stop thinking about the woman and his relationship with her.  It's not pertinent to you at all.  Probably he will always cheat on anyone he's with.   I'm kind of surprised that this lady doesn't appear to be upset with him for keeping you on the line while at the same time getting involved with her.  It doesn't matter though.   He's a bad guy who is messing around with women's hearts to give himself a  big ego boost.  He would have done the same thing to you if you'd ever actually gotten together.  Guaranteed.  So you really can consider yourself lucky.  

DO NOT CRY FOR 3 MORE YEARS.   

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, vervy27 said:

But when we got soooo close to actually making it happen, he sabotaged it in an instant knowing that it's game over for us.

Eh, not exactly. He just doesn't care. Sabotage suggests he cared and got scared or something, but what I see is a slimey man who does not give one damn about anyone's feelings. He also sounds very immature and impulsive, so when he met another woman locally, he went for it. 

6 hours ago, vervy27 said:

had this woman not reached out to me now, any idea when he would have told me the truth? Would he really have let me spend a fortune to get there for nothing?

Probably, yes. This is a man who let you believe he wasn't married, don't forget. He is that bad. 

7 hours ago, vervy27 said:

How the heck did things get here and what have I done wrong from my side? 

Talking to him ever again after you found out he was married. That should have the end of all conact, forever. 

7 hours ago, vervy27 said:

Will he genuinely be happy with her on top of the betrayal and destruction he subjected me to?

OP, he doesn't care about the betrayal. I realize that hurts to hear, but if he cared about that sort of thing, he wouldn't have betrayed you to begin with, all those years ago. He will probably be fine, yes. His empathy just doesn't go that deep. 

You need to cut off any point of contact with him, including all social media. And I would kindly and respectfully suggest some therapy. There is something going on inside you if you let a man like this back into your life, and fell for sweet words when you haven't even seen him for years. I sadly think he took advantage of your lack of boundaries and self-respect, but when you restore those, you will have no problem seeing red flags and bad apples for what and who they are, and running away from them. 

You dodged a huge bullet. This would not have resulted in Happily Ever After for you, even if he hadn't met this other woman. He is not loyal so he would have definitely found another secret side-piece sooner or later, even if you were married to him. It would have been a terrible marriage, in other words. 

Edited November 10, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Stret]

If you and him ended up together you would be the one in the role of his wife or his now fiancé - cheated on and lied to. So thank that new woman to have run into him and taken your spot. You avoided a much bigger pain in the future.  

I'm more concerned about you having spend 3 years crying about a man who cheated on his wife and lied to you. Whatever you think he was - he wasn't. There is nothing to cry about in that sense.

However, I do think you might have some underlying issue that you're not addressing. I wonder about your childhood trauma, emotional pain and hurt that your parent(s) caused you early on, something that broke your self-esteem. Did you have anything like that if you look at your childhood? By finding out the root cause of your own behaviour and by focusing on yourself and not him, you will start your healing process. Your reaction to him and your going back to him after what he did to you, are just symptoms of something deeper. If this sounds feasible, let me know and I might have a couple of good resources to recommend. 

Sorry for what you're going through - hang in there, believe in yourself regardless of what any inner voice that was implanted in you long ago says, and don't ever again allow your emotions to pick a man for you when your brain is telling you "no, don't go there!". Emotions of others are easy to play with for those that don't have them, like sociopaths and narcissists who learn to mimic love and emotions, say the right words without feeling them, even cry to make you believe what they want you to believe. Don't care what was his reason and don't try and justify or understand him by wondering if he might be avoidant or anxious in his attachment style. One day, not too many years ago, I learned to accept the fact that I cannot understand everything and everybody, that many people are lying, manipulative, free of any guilt or consciousness. Why are they like that? Not my problem, not my concern, not the excuse for them to treat others badly and be aholes. Turn to those that treat you well. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, vervy27 said:

We had an 8-month relationship in the US until late January 2019 when I came to know Javier had been married in his home country 

Sorry this happened. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. He seems like a bit of a scammer looking for whatever is to his own advantage.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist, if it's covered by your insurance.

Also ask about affordable support and support groups.

[glows]

It’s possible he never did expect you to buy a ticket because he thought you were “overly cautious”. You were only being cautious because he hurt you in the past.

When someone shows you what they are the first time, believe it.